Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[oracle]

No no no no no no no no NO.

 

That link you posted is on a site selling gamey methods of "getting your ex back" That is a business that preys on desperate people. I lived with my ex for 4 years of divorce, do you think I didn't have the knee jerk reaction and try all this crap at the beginning? I did.. so learn from me.

 

Did you even read that BS?? Point 4 "Open lines of communication keeps the energy flow between you and your ex...."

 

>BARF< This is just pure nonsense.

 

LISTEN.. you are posting in my thread so I get to be a bit of a harsh prick about this, and there is a reason why this thread has been pinned to the top of the section for a year and a half.

 

I lived and worked with my ex for 3.5 years while divorcing. (JUST the DIVORCE PERIOD - thats more than the duration of many people's relationships posting on here.) It was a twilightzone, we were friends on and off, sexual.. it was a messy purgatory. I learned the hard way. You will NEVER heal and start building a new life if you keep that tie going.

 

Go build your life.. You can come back and MAYBE be friends with your ex in 5 or 10 years.

 

 

I think that everyones situation is different. Not everyone advises NC. Less contact, and very little until you are in control of your own emotions, definitely, but there is a school of thought that doesn't agree with the hard line NC. I'm not knocking all the advice for NC, but everyone, and every situation, is different.

 

4 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

I am now back in contact with my ex, on an infrequent basis. BUT I have realised that our relationship would not work anymore, and this acceptance has made me much more rational with him. We were friends before we were lovers, and we were LDR too, which was one of his reasons for ending the RS. We have ongoing family connections - I can't possibly avoid him forever, BUT I finally realised that I can be friends with him (eventually, not yet, I need more time and certainly have no desire to see him as yet) without any hidden agenda.

 

I did give him time and space - a good few weeks - before making contact. But I must emphasise, this is a guy very hurt still from his divorce, he is NOT a bad person, just an idiot in some respects and I did a lot of things wrong in the RS too. If the circumstances had been different, I'm sure NC would have been the way to go.

 

This break up has been a real wake up call for me to get my OWN Life in order, before I can expect anyone else to love and respect me.

[oracle]

This break up has been a real wake up call for me to get my OWN Life in order, before I can expect anyone else to love and respect me.

 

 

Wisest thing you have said. I wish the best to you.

 

Hang in there, it gets better

[Summerrose2013]

I didn't mean to offend you, it's just that everyones break up is different. I was not married, nor even living with my ex, and it was only a year long RS, and a lot of our reasons for break up were 'circumstantial' - although had our RS been stronger, or more even, perhaps we would have worked through those issues. It was VERY different circumstances to your own and I was really really unhappy with the way we left it - I hated the way I had let him see me at the end of our RS and I wanted to prove to him that I am a strong woman who would not let him break me. I had known this guy on and off for 20 years before we got together. I had done things wrong in the RS, same as he had.

 

We have 'sort of' made peace with either other and delayed and very little and not very often contact worked better for me than NC and helped me to regain my self respect and self esteem. He is talking about 'our future' now (breadcrumbs or not I'm not biting - and that is in BIG part thanks to the other experiences people have shared on these threads) and I'm the one having to back away now because I can only now see how unhealthy our RS had been for ME.

 

These threads have been a MASSIVE help to me, I just don't think that NC should be a blanket rule for ALL cases and that threads are here for discussion and interaction.

 

If there are links to what I have been reading to sell me stuff, they are totally wasted on me and I never noticed them, and I'm never going to trust anyone who make me pay for their so called 'get your ex back systems' - these make me cringe and I would NEVER EVER CONDONE anyone else following these either, you simply don't need to. The RS coach I spoke to did NOT charge me for his services.

 

I'm sending you all big hugs, but I'm a BUSY woman now, I have my cycling group, yoga class and meditation groups I have to get to ((-:

Edited May 14, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[BC1980]

I didn't mean to offend you, it's just that everyones break up is different. I was not married, nor even living with my ex, and it was only a year long RS, and a lot of our reasons for break up were 'circumstantial' - although had our RS been stronger, or more even, perhaps we would have worked through those issues. It was VERY different circumstances to your own

 

One thing I have consistently noticed on LS is people believing their breakup is different than anyone else's, and, while that may be true to some extent, people usually behave in the same way. Despite the circumstances, the vast majority of behaviors and consequences displayed on LS (and in real life) are similar to an almost uncanny degree. The majority of people who have enforced NC for the duration are the ones who have moved on, and that is true on LS and in my real life. To each his own, but I think you are making a huge mistake by not completely severing the bond between you and your ex. NC would be to your benefit.

 

Like this first post in this thread says, the three rules canbe applied to any situation, and they ring true.

[Summerrose2013]

One thing I have consistently noticed on LS is people believing their breakup is different than anyone else's, and, while that may be true to some extent, people usually behave in the same way. Despite the circumstances, the vast majority of behaviors and consequences displayed on LS (and in real life) are similar to an almost uncanny degree. The majority of people who have enforced NC for the duration are the ones who have moved on, and that is true on LS and in my real life. To each his own, but I think you are making a huge mistake by not completely severing the bond between you and your ex. NC would be to your benefit.

 

Like this first post in this thread says, the three rules canbe applied to any situation, and they ring true.

 

Funnily enough I do agree with you. Following some contact though now I have moved much closer to closure and actually can't be bothered to be in contact with him anymore. I see it now as backwards step in my life and realise that he still thinks I am hoping we will get back together - need to nip that one in the bud.

 

What I meant was that getting over a shorter RS is likely to be a much faster process than getting over a long marriage, especially where you are still living and working together during the break up. I'm only still a matter of a few months from my break up and I'm already seeing the light. When I broke up from a 3 year RS, it took me a lot longer to recover.

Edited May 15, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[oracle]

Not offended at all...

 

Enjoy your busy life... best thing for you.

 

Im off to 8 cities over the next 6 weeks.

 

Have a great summer!

 

I didn't mean to offend you, it's just that everyones break up is different. I was not married, nor even living with my ex, and it was only a year long RS, and a lot of our reasons for break up were 'circumstantial' - although had our RS been stronger, or more even, perhaps we would have worked through those issues. It was VERY different circumstances to your own and I was really really unhappy with the way we left it - I hated the way I had let him see me at the end of our RS and I wanted to prove to him that I am a strong woman who would not let him break me. I had known this guy on and off for 20 years before we got together. I had done things wrong in the RS, same as he had.

 

We have 'sort of' made peace with either other and delayed and very little and not very often contact worked better for me than NC and helped me to regain my self respect and self esteem. He is talking about 'our future' now (breadcrumbs or not I'm not biting - and that is in BIG part thanks to the other experiences people have shared on these threads) and I'm the one having to back away now because I can only now see how unhealthy our RS had been for ME.

 

These threads have been a MASSIVE help to me, I just don't think that NC should be a blanket rule for ALL cases and that threads are here for discussion and interaction.

 

If there are links to what I have been reading to sell me stuff, they are totally wasted on me and I never noticed them, and I'm never going to trust anyone who make me pay for their so called 'get your ex back systems' - these make me cringe and I would NEVER EVER CONDONE anyone else following these either, you simply don't need to. The RS coach I spoke to did NOT charge me for his services.

 

I'm sending you all big hugs, but I'm a BUSY woman now, I have my cycling group, yoga class and meditation groups I have to get to ((-:

[SomeHeart]

This is a great piece.

 

Im currently contemplating ending my 1 year relationship , Id ideally like to try and repair it first but if thats not possible its nice to read some practical advice on how to deal with it if it doesnt work out. Thank you for sharing.

[oracle]

Thanks for your feedback

 

Good luck with that difficult decision.

 

 

This is a great piece.

 

Im currently contemplating ending my 1 year relationship , Id ideally like to try and repair it first but if thats not possible its nice to read some practical advice on how to deal with it if it doesnt work out. Thank you for sharing.

[roe007]

Hi I read this thread everyday to keep myself from getting depressed and get back to normal life. I need a small help in realizing something. I was in a 6 month relationship but I know her for my life time she was my childhood friend. When we started our relationship she was recovering from an abusive 4 year long relationship with her ex. I didn't know about that until after break up though because we haven't met for quiet sometime after I moved to another country. So when I came back and we had started talking like frequently and meeting up I really thought about getting back a lost friend.

 

But she said she always had a thing for me which started long ago in our school days and couldn't tell me. Well I had feelings too but I kept it to myself and never realized it but once we started talking about it we hit it off well and was in a relationship which was a good one. During the relationship she was very open about her life and she often talked about her bitter experiences in past relationship and how happy she was with me.

 

Well after break up which happened for reasons unknown she dumped me literally when I am going through a difficult crisis myself. I am a bit all over the place have serious family issues my dad is not well and financially there is a crisis but she broke it off right in the middle of all this without any provocation. We never had a problem even the day before the break up.

 

Initially I tried to talk her out of it asked her reasons and I got the tailor made answers like she is not ready for a relationship. She want to concentrate on her career I don't know nothing made sense. But finally i realized it is over and I stopped the contact right away. But she kept on the contact and I was not enjoying that so finally last week I told her I am not comfortable with her keeping on messaging. I clearly said I don't want a friendship and she was furious she said she will delete my number. After that she never messaged and I never bothered to check on her too. I asked her why she is still contacting and asked if she loves me? but she said no she don't.

 

Your thread was helpful in realizing a lot of things but when I feel better then suddenly I would be clouded with thoughts. I feel betrayed sometimes. Anyway gone are those thoughts but what was this relationship? was it a rebound?

[life-is-short]

I just posted this on another thread before realizing it is probably more relevant here:

 

My BU is still fresh (three weeks ago), but the relationship was always up and down since it started in the fall so the actual breakup wasn't shocking or earth shattering. I wanted relationship to work and I was willing to keep working at it, but my ex-gf wanted to be free (GIGS) so the relationship ended.

 

1) NC has been crucial. In my last serious relationship before this one, I dragged on communication (daily) four months BU. This time I vowed to learn my lesson and I've been strict NC since BU. Helps a lot.

 

2) From the beginning, I was very clear to myself that the relationship was over and that I didn't have any hope to salvage it. I feel this is a crucial step. Even if my ex gf asked me to date again now, I would say no. I tried my best during the relationship, but she didn't want me so no need to waste any more time.

 

3) I've found it helpful to think back to previous BUs and to remember that as difficult as they were, I made it through them. In other words, I have the resilience to make it through this BU, too. I also looked back and realized that for each of my past BUs, I'm better off now not being with those ex gfs. It was hard to see this at the time, but it is clear now. So I try to remind myself that eventually I'll come to realize that I'll be better off in the future without my ex gf.

 

4) In my introspection, I've tried to separate out how much I miss being in a relationship vs. how much I miss my ex gf. I do feel lonely at times and I wish I was in a relationship, but I don't wish I was in a relationship with my ex gf. I journal daily and this has been very helpful and to read my thoughts from the first few days until now. Things are progressing, slowly but surely.

 

5) Seeing a therapist has been immensely helpful for me. I've been able to process relationship and look at where I made errors and also look at where I didn't (helps to have someone normalize). It's clear my ex wasn't ready for a mature relationship and I didn't respect myself by staying in the relationship so long when this was clear early on. My therapist has also used EMDR with me and it's amazingly helpful. I strongly recommend therapist!

 

6) I have a good friend who is going through a BU and corresponding with her has helped me keep perspective. She's been very patient with me when I'm feeling down or sad and I know that I can trust her and I also know that she won't be annoyed if I want to share how I'm feeling (sometimes with other friends/family, I feel like I can be a burden if I'm constantly sharing my problems/sadness about BU).

 

7) I've been reading the BU forums on LS multiple times per day. Reading that other people are in similar situations to me has helped give me perspective and also helps me to build empathy for other people on here experiencing sadness, anger, suffering, and pain (and those who are on the other side and are experiencing happiness and joy again).

 

8) Repeating daily affirmations to myself is very helpful.

 

9) I've been reading a lot of different books. I might start a thread sometime about books that have been helpful through the BU. Several books have been light houses to me in this otherwise dark, tumultuous waters of the BU.

 

10) I've been exercising several days per week and eating a very healthy diet. This seems crucial for both detoxifying (BU are so stressful on physiology so being able to expel the excess chemicals such as cortisol is so important).

 

11) Time and patience is the crucial factor. My mind seems very clear about the situation. My emotions and physiology aren't there yet and there is no magic way to rush them to heal. So I give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm mad, I let myself be angry. If I smile or feel happiness, I allow myself to feel it. I know things will be up and down over the next several months and I will be gentle with myself. There is no rush.

 

12) I started a journal to my future love. I don't know who she is. I don't know when I'll meet her. But she is out there somewhere. So when it feels right, I jot down notes to her. It may sound strange, but it is a form of visioning and I'm surprised how helpful it is to me.

 

13) I've also started a journal thinking about key qualities, values, principles that I'm looking for in my next relationship, especially regarding things that I want to screen for during dating so that I don't waste my time or the other person's time.

 

14) I try to constantly bring myself back to the moment. Mindfulness seems very important to helping with BU. It can be very easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future. When I start doing this, I focus on my breathing and try to bring things back to RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. Focusing on being in the moment seems crucial.

 

15) Even though I'm sad at times, I try to make an effort every day to talk to more people than I used to before. I smile, joke, flirt, and engage in conversation with strangers. It boosts my confidence immensely. I'm friendly and more outgoing than usual and try to stretch myself to be out of my comfort zone. I'm authentic and keep my integrity in these connections. I think all humans are born to connect and be social and during BUs, our inclination is to disengage when this is the time that it is most important to realize that you are not alone and that there are so many people out there. Your ex was just one person of seven billion on the planet. Life is very short (thus my handle on LS) and there are so many people out there to have as friends (and possible future lovers). So it may not work out with one person, oh well. There are so many others out there. My ex-gf isn't the only person in the world that I can love.

 

16) I've been going out on several dates. I don't want a rebound relationship, but it is helpful to get back out there and connect with women and realize that I'm still attractive and it helps me to get my confidence back. I've also already found a couple of women who provided amazing contrast to my ex-gf and they have personality attributes and temperaments that my ex didn't.

 

17) In the end, I yearn for feeling blissful indifference towards my ex gf and more importantly, to feeling gratitude for myself and getting my self-esteem/self-confidence back to where it was before the relationship. I'm an amazing man and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is as generous, giving, capable, mature, loving, smart, healthy, and happy as me! She's out there some where. I'm committed to working on being the best man I can be. I'm working on all attributes of me (physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual).

 

I'm alive. I will survive. I will thrive. I will find love again. One step, one day at a time. I'm a magnificent man capable of loving and being loved.

 

Blessings to all of you going through a BU. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but I know we all can do it!

[Oregon_Dude]

Amazing post. Thanks for sharing. I will be re-reading this.

 

I just posted this on another thread before realizing it is probably more relevant here:

 

My BU is still fresh (three weeks ago), but the relationship was always up and down since it started in the fall so the actual breakup wasn't shocking or earth shattering. I wanted relationship to work and I was willing to keep working at it, but my ex-gf wanted to be free (GIGS) so the relationship ended.

 

1) NC has been crucial. In my last serious relationship before this one, I dragged on communication (daily) four months BU. This time I vowed to learn my lesson and I've been strict NC since BU. Helps a lot.

 

2) From the beginning, I was very clear to myself that the relationship was over and that I didn't have any hope to salvage it. I feel this is a crucial step. Even if my ex gf asked me to date again now, I would say no. I tried my best during the relationship, but she didn't want me so no need to waste any more time.

 

3) I've found it helpful to think back to previous BUs and to remember that as difficult as they were, I made it through them. In other words, I have the resilience to make it through this BU, too. I also looked back and realized that for each of my past BUs, I'm better off now not being with those ex gfs. It was hard to see this at the time, but it is clear now. So I try to remind myself that eventually I'll come to realize that I'll be better off in the future without my ex gf.

 

4) In my introspection, I've tried to separate out how much I miss being in a relationship vs. how much I miss my ex gf. I do feel lonely at times and I wish I was in a relationship, but I don't wish I was in a relationship with my ex gf. I journal daily and this has been very helpful and to read my thoughts from the first few days until now. Things are progressing, slowly but surely.

 

5) Seeing a therapist has been immensely helpful for me. I've been able to process relationship and look at where I made errors and also look at where I didn't (helps to have someone normalize). It's clear my ex wasn't ready for a mature relationship and I didn't respect myself by staying in the relationship so long when this was clear early on. My therapist has also used EMDR with me and it's amazingly helpful. I strongly recommend therapist!

 

6) I have a good friend who is going through a BU and corresponding with her has helped me keep perspective. She's been very patient with me when I'm feeling down or sad and I know that I can trust her and I also know that she won't be annoyed if I want to share how I'm feeling (sometimes with other friends/family, I feel like I can be a burden if I'm constantly sharing my problems/sadness about BU).

 

7) I've been reading the BU forums on LS multiple times per day. Reading that other people are in similar situations to me has helped give me perspective and also helps me to build empathy for other people on here experiencing sadness, anger, suffering, and pain (and those who are on the other side and are experiencing happiness and joy again).

 

8) Repeating daily affirmations to myself is very helpful.

 

9) I've been reading a lot of different books. I might start a thread sometime about books that have been helpful through the BU. Several books have been light houses to me in this otherwise dark, tumultuous waters of the BU.

 

10) I've been exercising several days per week and eating a very healthy diet. This seems crucial for both detoxifying (BU are so stressful on physiology so being able to expel the excess chemicals such as cortisol is so important).

 

11) Time and patience is the crucial factor. My mind seems very clear about the situation. My emotions and physiology aren't there yet and there is no magic way to rush them to heal. So I give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm mad, I let myself be angry. If I smile or feel happiness, I allow myself to feel it. I know things will be up and down over the next several months and I will be gentle with myself. There is no rush.

 

12) I started a journal to my future love. I don't know who she is. I don't know when I'll meet her. But she is out there somewhere. So when it feels right, I jot down notes to her. It may sound strange, but it is a form of visioning and I'm surprised how helpful it is to me.

 

13) I've also started a journal thinking about key qualities, values, principles that I'm looking for in my next relationship, especially regarding things that I want to screen for during dating so that I don't waste my time or the other person's time.

 

14) I try to constantly bring myself back to the moment. Mindfulness seems very important to helping with BU. It can be very easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future. When I start doing this, I focus on my breathing and try to bring things back to RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. Focusing on being in the moment seems crucial.

 

15) Even though I'm sad at times, I try to make an effort every day to talk to more people than I used to before. I smile, joke, flirt, and engage in conversation with strangers. It boosts my confidence immensely. I'm friendly and more outgoing than usual and try to stretch myself to be out of my comfort zone. I'm authentic and keep my integrity in these connections. I think all humans are born to connect and be social and during BUs, our inclination is to disengage when this is the time that it is most important to realize that you are not alone and that there are so many people out there. Your ex was just one person of seven billion on the planet. Life is very short (thus my handle on LS) and there are so many people out there to have as friends (and possible future lovers). So it may not work out with one person, oh well. There are so many others out there. My ex-gf isn't the only person in the world that I can love.

 

16) I've been going out on several dates. I don't want a rebound relationship, but it is helpful to get back out there and connect with women and realize that I'm still attractive and it helps me to get my confidence back. I've also already found a couple of women who provided amazing contrast to my ex-gf and they have personality attributes and temperaments that my ex didn't.

 

17) In the end, I yearn for feeling blissful indifference towards my ex gf and more importantly, to feeling gratitude for myself and getting my self-esteem/self-confidence back to where it was before the relationship. I'm an amazing man and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is as generous, giving, capable, mature, loving, smart, healthy, and happy as me! She's out there some where. I'm committed to working on being the best man I can be. I'm working on all attributes of me (physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual).

 

I'm alive. I will survive. I will thrive. I will find love again. One step, one day at a time. I'm a magnificent man capable of loving and being loved.

 

Blessings to all of you going through a BU. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but I know we all can do it!

[scobro]

Wow Oracle I sat here for 2 hours and read all your posts and took notes.Thanks for this and if anyone is going to be well grounded and get through this type of tough time its you.I really appreciate all your advice and thoughts on this thread....Cheers!!! and thank you

[artsygirl78]

I just posted this on another thread before realizing it is probably more relevant here:

 

My BU is still fresh (three weeks ago), but the relationship was always up and down since it started in the fall so the actual breakup wasn't shocking or earth shattering. I wanted relationship to work and I was willing to keep working at it, but my ex-gf wanted to be free (GIGS) so the relationship ended.

 

1) NC has been crucial. In my last serious relationship before this one, I dragged on communication (daily) four months BU. This time I vowed to learn my lesson and I've been strict NC since BU. Helps a lot.

 

2) From the beginning, I was very clear to myself that the relationship was over and that I didn't have any hope to salvage it. I feel this is a crucial step. Even if my ex gf asked me to date again now, I would say no. I tried my best during the relationship, but she didn't want me so no need to waste any more time.

 

3) I've found it helpful to think back to previous BUs and to remember that as difficult as they were, I made it through them. In other words, I have the resilience to make it through this BU, too. I also looked back and realized that for each of my past BUs, I'm better off now not being with those ex gfs. It was hard to see this at the time, but it is clear now. So I try to remind myself that eventually I'll come to realize that I'll be better off in the future without my ex gf.

 

4) In my introspection, I've tried to separate out how much I miss being in a relationship vs. how much I miss my ex gf. I do feel lonely at times and I wish I was in a relationship, but I don't wish I was in a relationship with my ex gf. I journal daily and this has been very helpful and to read my thoughts from the first few days until now. Things are progressing, slowly but surely.

 

5) Seeing a therapist has been immensely helpful for me. I've been able to process relationship and look at where I made errors and also look at where I didn't (helps to have someone normalize). It's clear my ex wasn't ready for a mature relationship and I didn't respect myself by staying in the relationship so long when this was clear early on. My therapist has also used EMDR with me and it's amazingly helpful. I strongly recommend therapist!

 

6) I have a good friend who is going through a BU and corresponding with her has helped me keep perspective. She's been very patient with me when I'm feeling down or sad and I know that I can trust her and I also know that she won't be annoyed if I want to share how I'm feeling (sometimes with other friends/family, I feel like I can be a burden if I'm constantly sharing my problems/sadness about BU).

 

7) I've been reading the BU forums on LS multiple times per day. Reading that other people are in similar situations to me has helped give me perspective and also helps me to build empathy for other people on here experiencing sadness, anger, suffering, and pain (and those who are on the other side and are experiencing happiness and joy again).

 

8) Repeating daily affirmations to myself is very helpful.

 

9) I've been reading a lot of different books. I might start a thread sometime about books that have been helpful through the BU. Several books have been light houses to me in this otherwise dark, tumultuous waters of the BU.

 

10) I've been exercising several days per week and eating a very healthy diet. This seems crucial for both detoxifying (BU are so stressful on physiology so being able to expel the excess chemicals such as cortisol is so important).

 

11) Time and patience is the crucial factor. My mind seems very clear about the situation. My emotions and physiology aren't there yet and there is no magic way to rush them to heal. So I give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm mad, I let myself be angry. If I smile or feel happiness, I allow myself to feel it. I know things will be up and down over the next several months and I will be gentle with myself. There is no rush.

 

12) I started a journal to my future love. I don't know who she is. I don't know when I'll meet her. But she is out there somewhere. So when it feels right, I jot down notes to her. It may sound strange, but it is a form of visioning and I'm surprised how helpful it is to me.

 

13) I've also started a journal thinking about key qualities, values, principles that I'm looking for in my next relationship, especially regarding things that I want to screen for during dating so that I don't waste my time or the other person's time.

 

14) I try to constantly bring myself back to the moment. Mindfulness seems very important to helping with BU. It can be very easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future. When I start doing this, I focus on my breathing and try to bring things back to RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. Focusing on being in the moment seems crucial.

 

15) Even though I'm sad at times, I try to make an effort every day to talk to more people than I used to before. I smile, joke, flirt, and engage in conversation with strangers. It boosts my confidence immensely. I'm friendly and more outgoing than usual and try to stretch myself to be out of my comfort zone. I'm authentic and keep my integrity in these connections. I think all humans are born to connect and be social and during BUs, our inclination is to disengage when this is the time that it is most important to realize that you are not alone and that there are so many people out there. Your ex was just one person of seven billion on the planet. Life is very short (thus my handle on LS) and there are so many people out there to have as friends (and possible future lovers). So it may not work out with one person, oh well. There are so many others out there. My ex-gf isn't the only person in the world that I can love.

 

16) I've been going out on several dates. I don't want a rebound relationship, but it is helpful to get back out there and connect with women and realize that I'm still attractive and it helps me to get my confidence back. I've also already found a couple of women who provided amazing contrast to my ex-gf and they have personality attributes and temperaments that my ex didn't.

 

17) In the end, I yearn for feeling blissful indifference towards my ex gf and more importantly, to feeling gratitude for myself and getting my self-esteem/self-confidence back to where it was before the relationship. I'm an amazing man and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is as generous, giving, capable, mature, loving, smart, healthy, and happy as me! She's out there some where. I'm committed to working on being the best man I can be. I'm working on all attributes of me (physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual).

 

I'm alive. I will survive. I will thrive. I will find love again. One step, one day at a time. I'm a magnificent man capable of loving and being loved.

 

Blessings to all of you going through a BU. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but I know we all can do it!

 

 

 

Words cannot express how much I love this post!!!! Not only is it beautifully written - seriously, I feel like I should print this out in a large, fancy font and paste it on my bathroom mirror so I can read it every morning - your process and even your history seems to have an uncanny resemblance to my own. My BU happened 6 weeks ago and I swear your list came straight out of my head I have been implementing (finally) every single one of your points in my own life and this is the right way to go - thank you for sharing and stating so clearly and eloquently all that is working for you in your recovery and healing.

 

 

I would also say that especially in regards to #11, I am really learning the art of self-compassion. Healing is going to happen in its own time, and feelings will wash over me at seemingly random times, and I have to remember that the only thing to do is to sit with them and accept whatever comes up, as I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am also finding that a lot of my suffering is being created by my own fears, which I am healing with positive affirmation and therapy work, as well. I am learning to love and own all that I have to offer a life partner/husband, and take ownership of all that is special about me. The universe reflects to us in outside relationships, the mirror of our relationship to ourselves. The better you take care of yourself and love yourself, the deeper connection you will be able to make with others.

 

 

I love #12, too! I also started a journal to my husband - I was shopping in a specialty store and a beautiful bound book caught my eye, on the cover is "Faith Hope and Love", and it is wrapped in denim. For some reason I know that my husband is going to love it when I give it to him as a present on our wedding day

 

 

You indeed sound like a special, amazing guy and it is going to take a special woman who is mature, introspective, grounded, intelligent and sensitive to make your match. And she is out there and looking for you Good luck on your journey and keep us updated on your story!

[life-is-short]

Words cannot express how much I love this post!!!! Not only is it beautifully written - seriously, I feel like I should print this out in a large, fancy font and paste it on my bathroom mirror so I can read it every morning - your process and even your history seems to have an uncanny resemblance to my own. My BU happened 6 weeks ago and I swear your list came straight out of my head I have been implementing (finally) every single one of your points in my own life and this is the right way to go - thank you for sharing and stating so clearly and eloquently all that is working for you in your recovery and healing.

 

Thanks so much, Artsygirl78! I'm glad to hear that things that are working for me are helpful to others. I've so appreciated the wisdom, patience, thoughtfulness, empathy, and love that I've found here on LS. It's been a life saver. I keep the BU forum tab open in my Internet browser and check it at least once daily. There are people here on so many different parts of the healing journey and those farther along inspire me and I feel deep empathy for those who have just begun.

 

I would also say that especially in regards to #11, I am really learning the art of self-compassion. Healing is going to happen in its own time, and feelings will wash over me at seemingly random times, and I have to remember that the only thing to do is to sit with them and accept whatever comes up, as I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am also finding that a lot of my suffering is being created by my own fears, which I am healing with positive affirmation and therapy work, as well. I am learning to love and own all that I have to offer a life partner/husband, and take ownership of all that is special about me. The universe reflects to us in outside relationships, the mirror of our relationship to ourselves. The better you take care of yourself and love yourself, the deeper connection you will be able to make with others.

 

For me, I've found Brene Brown's books, including Daring Greatly and Gifts of Imperfection, very helpful for me in this regard. I absolutely adore the information in these books and I'm soaking it up like a dry sponge (and I wish I would have found sooner). The key to healing--and really, the key to being human-- is be be connected to others AND to be vulnerable. These are both challenging sometimes, but essential to heal and essential to connect with humanity. I think connecting to humanity is one of the most under-appreciated, but most important aspects to BU healing because we can get outside of ourselves and our problems. Check out these TED talks form her:

 

I love #12, too! I also started a journal to my husband - I was shopping in a specialty store and a beautiful bound book caught my eye, on the cover is "Faith Hope and Love", and it is wrapped in denim. For some reason I know that my husband is going to love it when I give it to him as a present on our wedding day

 

Yes, it is so comforting writing to my future wife, whoever she may be, and even though I don't *know* her yet, I know that I will meet her and I know that I'll be able to share this with her then. It is a way of connecting to the future, from the present. There is the old Mike and the Mechanics song, "The Living Years" about his deceased father. In that song is a great line, "So we open up a quarrel/ Between the present and the past/ We only sacrifice the future / It's the bitterness that lasts" and to me, I think such a journal to a future love is an antidote to such bitterness. The past is over. I can't change it. I can't change my ex-gf's feelings, even though I loved her deeply and wanted things to work. I could continue to dwell on this and hope/wish/pray that she would change her mind, but it won't work. And I don't want to waste too much of myself on being bitter or angry. She chose a different life path that doesn't involve me. It sucks and hurts to be rejected, but I'm also glad not to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't believe I'm amazing (how sad of a life would that be to be married or in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't think I am amazing). I really do wish my ex well. I don't want to have contact with her or see her (at least, not for a very long time) and I don't want to reconcile. It's over and I don't want to be back together even though I miss her. So I can only make choices and decisions for me and I'm choosing to focus forward. I still cry and get angry, but I also feel hopeful about future love in a reciprocal and fulfilling relationship.

 

You indeed sound like a special, amazing guy and it is going to take a special woman who is mature, introspective, grounded, intelligent and sensitive to make your match. And she is out there and looking for you Good luck on your journey and keep us updated on your story!

 

Likewise! Looking forward to keeping updated on your journey, too. We'll make it out of this. I told a friend of mine that I felt like the BU experience was like being stuck in that tunnel of s**t in "The Shawshank Redemption" - Once he broke out of his prison cell, the only thing separating him from freedom was a long tunnel of s**t! So crawling through this tunnel can be exhausting, claustrophobic, overwhelming, overpowering...but there are much better things on the other side! Here's a toast to getting out of this tunnel!

Edited July 11, 2014 by life-is-short

[JAG-UR]

Great points! Thanks for sharing :-)

[oracle]

Wow Oracle I sat here for 2 hours and read all your posts and took notes.Thanks for this and if anyone is going to be well grounded and get through this type of tough time its you.I really appreciate all your advice and thoughts on this thread....Cheers!!! and thank you

 

Im glad it has helped, and thank you for your kind feedback!

 

Best of luck to you !

[Summerrose2013]

Response to Life is Short post

Words cannot express how much I love this post!!!! Not only is it beautifully written - seriously, I feel like I should print this out in a large, fancy font and paste it on my bathroom mirror so I can read it every morning - your process and even your history seems to have an uncanny resemblance to my own. My BU happened 6 weeks ago and I swear your list came straight out of my head I have been implementing (finally) every single one of your points in my own life and this is the right way to go - thank you for sharing and stating so clearly and eloquently all that is working for you in your recovery and healing.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read this post...as has been said to me on this thread in my time of deep crisis, all BUs share many of the same paths and we all essentially travel the same journey.

 

I'm 3 months post BU and ONE MONTH NC (hoorah - I finally saw the light! Please don't say 'we told you so'....sometimes you have to learn the hard way), and my life is so very different to what is what before and even during my last RS. The end of my RS and the personal journey it has triggered has marked an amazing milestone towards the better life I am creating for myself.

 

I won't deny the BU was awful, I handled it badly BUT we all make mistakes and I have been on such a voyage of self discovery my closest friends can hardly recognise the new (and improved!) me. I had read a LOT of things - posts on here, RS advice websites (of varying quality), life coaching, etc etc - and the one big takeaway for me is the importance of having your OWN life, whether in or out of a partnership. I will never make my partner my life/hobby ever again. I will be the one to bring so much to my next RS, and I will set boundaries that I will expect to be respected. I will not over invest until my partners have proved themselves to me. I will not get too involved too quickly, making it too hard to pull away from another toxic RS.

 

The support of these forums was so important to me during that time so I wanted to come back and post this POSTIVE news.

I'm now in TWO walking and CYCLING Groups, I've done rafting, yoga, gym classes, salsa, motorbiking, etc etc - I would NEVER have done these things before. When I meet a new man, I will have raised the bar, and get me a better man (I hope!). I have nice new clothes, a firmer bum and thighs (!) and a vastly improved quality of life. Even my attitude at work has improved, and I'm getting more invites to places because I guess I'm now a more interesting and fun person to have around (I cringe when I think how BORING I must have been before.)

 

We can only work on the things WE can change and control and as I now realise, that is ME. I cannot change other people,or sort out their issues.

 

Take my 'new life challenge' with me that I set for myself - ONE NEW THING PER WEEK. Challenge yourself to do one thing every week that puts you outside of your comfort zone.

It won't make the pain of your BU go away, BUT it will make you a braver stronger person and give you other things to think about (or worry about). And then when you do finally come out the other side from the pain, rather than having a big wobbly bum from all that Ice cream you ate on the sofa, you will look and feel good for when you are ready to start a new RS.

[scobro]

I just posted this on another thread before realizing it is probably more relevant here:

 

My BU is still fresh (three weeks ago), but the relationship was always up and down since it started in the fall so the actual breakup wasn't shocking or earth shattering. I wanted relationship to work and I was willing to keep working at it, but my ex-gf wanted to be free (GIGS) so the relationship ended.

 

1) NC has been crucial. In my last serious relationship before this one, I dragged on communication (daily) four months BU. This time I vowed to learn my lesson and I've been strict NC since BU. Helps a lot.

 

2) From the beginning, I was very clear to myself that the relationship was over and that I didn't have any hope to salvage it. I feel this is a crucial step. Even if my ex gf asked me to date again now, I would say no. I tried my best during the relationship, but she didn't want me so no need to waste any more time.

 

3) I've found it helpful to think back to previous BUs and to remember that as difficult as they were, I made it through them. In other words, I have the resilience to make it through this BU, too. I also looked back and realized that for each of my past BUs, I'm better off now not being with those ex gfs. It was hard to see this at the time, but it is clear now. So I try to remind myself that eventually I'll come to realize that I'll be better off in the future without my ex gf.

 

4) In my introspection, I've tried to separate out how much I miss being in a relationship vs. how much I miss my ex gf. I do feel lonely at times and I wish I was in a relationship, but I don't wish I was in a relationship with my ex gf. I journal daily and this has been very helpful and to read my thoughts from the first few days until now. Things are progressing, slowly but surely.

 

5) Seeing a therapist has been immensely helpful for me. I've been able to process relationship and look at where I made errors and also look at where I didn't (helps to have someone normalize). It's clear my ex wasn't ready for a mature relationship and I didn't respect myself by staying in the relationship so long when this was clear early on. My therapist has also used EMDR with me and it's amazingly helpful. I strongly recommend therapist!

 

6) I have a good friend who is going through a BU and corresponding with her has helped me keep perspective. She's been very patient with me when I'm feeling down or sad and I know that I can trust her and I also know that she won't be annoyed if I want to share how I'm feeling (sometimes with other friends/family, I feel like I can be a burden if I'm constantly sharing my problems/sadness about BU).

 

7) I've been reading the BU forums on LS multiple times per day. Reading that other people are in similar situations to me has helped give me perspective and also helps me to build empathy for other people on here experiencing sadness, anger, suffering, and pain (and those who are on the other side and are experiencing happiness and joy again).

 

8) Repeating daily affirmations to myself is very helpful.

 

9) I've been reading a lot of different books. I might start a thread sometime about books that have been helpful through the BU. Several books have been light houses to me in this otherwise dark, tumultuous waters of the BU.

 

10) I've been exercising several days per week and eating a very healthy diet. This seems crucial for both detoxifying (BU are so stressful on physiology so being able to expel the excess chemicals such as cortisol is so important).

 

11) Time and patience is the crucial factor. My mind seems very clear about the situation. My emotions and physiology aren't there yet and there is no magic way to rush them to heal. So I give myself permission to feel whatever I feel. If I'm sad, I cry. If I'm mad, I let myself be angry. If I smile or feel happiness, I allow myself to feel it. I know things will be up and down over the next several months and I will be gentle with myself. There is no rush.

 

12) I started a journal to my future love. I don't know who she is. I don't know when I'll meet her. But she is out there somewhere. So when it feels right, I jot down notes to her. It may sound strange, but it is a form of visioning and I'm surprised how helpful it is to me.

 

13) I've also started a journal thinking about key qualities, values, principles that I'm looking for in my next relationship, especially regarding things that I want to screen for during dating so that I don't waste my time or the other person's time.

 

14) I try to constantly bring myself back to the moment. Mindfulness seems very important to helping with BU. It can be very easy to get caught up in the past or worry about the future. When I start doing this, I focus on my breathing and try to bring things back to RIGHT NOW. THIS MOMENT. Focusing on being in the moment seems crucial.

 

15) Even though I'm sad at times, I try to make an effort every day to talk to more people than I used to before. I smile, joke, flirt, and engage in conversation with strangers. It boosts my confidence immensely. I'm friendly and more outgoing than usual and try to stretch myself to be out of my comfort zone. I'm authentic and keep my integrity in these connections. I think all humans are born to connect and be social and during BUs, our inclination is to disengage when this is the time that it is most important to realize that you are not alone and that there are so many people out there. Your ex was just one person of seven billion on the planet. Life is very short (thus my handle on LS) and there are so many people out there to have as friends (and possible future lovers). So it may not work out with one person, oh well. There are so many others out there. My ex-gf isn't the only person in the world that I can love.

 

16) I've been going out on several dates. I don't want a rebound relationship, but it is helpful to get back out there and connect with women and realize that I'm still attractive and it helps me to get my confidence back. I've also already found a couple of women who provided amazing contrast to my ex-gf and they have personality attributes and temperaments that my ex didn't.

 

17) In the end, I yearn for feeling blissful indifference towards my ex gf and more importantly, to feeling gratitude for myself and getting my self-esteem/self-confidence back to where it was before the relationship. I'm an amazing man and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is as generous, giving, capable, mature, loving, smart, healthy, and happy as me! She's out there some where. I'm committed to working on being the best man I can be. I'm working on all attributes of me (physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual).

 

I'm alive. I will survive. I will thrive. I will find love again. One step, one day at a time. I'm a magnificent man capable of loving and being loved.

 

Blessings to all of you going through a BU. The road to recovery can be long and arduous, but I know we all can do it!

 

the book idea would be great. I too use reading as a great way to heal and improve myself.Awesome post!!

[scobro]

Thank you for that. I know there is a big chunk of people -especially older generations - who instantly click NEXT the minute they find out im gay when reading my post. I have actually seen replies to posts (which were rightly removed very quickly by moderators) stating along the lines that it isn't worth them addressing because they don't consider those real relationships. I am almost in awe sometimes of crap like that.. its a real shocker to me. I guess I take it for granted having grown up and lived in pershaps one of the most laid-back, liberal, open, socially and ethnically diverse citys in North America that I forget what its still like out there in the rest of the world.

 

Thank you

 

Vancouver is tied with Montreal as the 10th cleanest city in the world as well.Although Toronto is a great place to live as well!!

[Magnet]

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

Reading this thread has been like a cold, oddly pleasant smack to the face.

I was wallowing in self pity but it is hard to after reading this thread.

 

Thank you Oracle for keeping at it for two years- these nuggets of wisdom and insight have been a great read. I will re-read the whole thread for sure. I hope you are doing ok?

 

I couldn't truly grasp the depth of your experience with your ex, the scope and breadth is mind boggling; though I saw you asked an intriguing question- what would be preferable, a clean, sharp break, without having any questions answered, or a drawn out odyssey that leaves in no doubt the incompatibility- but with further pain endured?

 

I know my R of 2.5 years pales in comparison, but for me, I'm glad I tried again with my ex and stayed around. My ex wishes she stuck with a clean BU the first time around. But I'm glad I tried again because, aside from some good times, I learnt some ugly things about myself that I had to face- that I had some pretty deep-seated issues that wouldn't go away (even after having kicked my drug habits). I guess my answer is it was worth it because I learnt something new.

 

Which brings me to the above quote that I kept telling her that I would change. She kept saying no- people CAN'T change, that we kept clashing, our fundamental personalities clashed.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I was a miserable, needy POS at times with bad substance addiction and anger management issues. Sucks to say but she stuck around long enough for it to hurt enough to make me realise that I couldn't change and I needed massive work on myself. So that is what I am doing now.

 

I realise maybe I will always have that 'quick to anger' and 'quick to passion' in me- and I will always have a part of me that likes to stare down the abyss- but equally I have some really lovely traits such as being openly honest, self-aware, forgiving and friendly. I'm a package and if I accept my flaws, that's one step to self-awareness and recovery.

 

Accepting we can't fundamentally change is like seeing ourselves for the first time how we really are; only then can we really be true to ourselves and go in the right direction.

It's like pretending you drive through life like a Ferrari when in fact you need to accept you're a rusty clapped out Ford Fiesta (no shame in that heh). Don't know if this makes sense.

 

And what you said about families is bang on.

 

My father had substance addiction issues that in the end, he couldn't triumph over. My mother has an awful demon temper inside her that I have inherited. And our tendencies as a family to be dysfunctional communicators spill down in how I realise I am an erratic communicator.

I won't get too gloomy however; like you said happiness is a choice and I'm only truly seeing, realising what I have been, who I am, and who I want to be. It is frightening, ego-destroying and exhilarating to face myself and accept responsibility.

 

I am not planning on dating for a good while too- I've been dependent on other people for happiness for far too long.

 

Thank you for the good, cold smack, Oracle.

[oracle]

Thank you for your feedback and your very honest post.

 

Sometimes real growth in life is accepting who it is you are as a person, the good and the bad.

 

Don't forget, you CAN CHOOSE to control your behaviors. Just like I treat my ex as an addiction, I have chosen to never see or interact with him again.. I have also fought to avoid keeping tabs on him and his new life. So far I have done fairly well, but curiosity has gotten the better of me a couple of times. I am disappointed that after 9 months of NC, it still has a power over me at times.

 

As for me I am doing pretty well. I have been traveling non-stop since May. Been to about 20 different cities so far. I am seeing and doing things I never imagined I would.

 

I have grown as an individual and am perfectly content being alone, doing things on my own, and traveling on my own. It is such a breath of fresh air doing what I WANT - no compromises. (Keep in mind i went from living with my parents to living with my ex. Nothing in between).

 

My life is far richer now than it was with my ex - though just saying that makes me sad on some levels. Its funny how even though we are better off and having more fun, there is still that sadness and mourning of what didnt work out as planned.

 

I haven't had any type of significant relationship since the wheels fell off on my life (Over 4 years now). I have lots interested, and get more action than I can handle - however I don't think I will ever do 'it' again. So my focus now is more on accepting that likelihood .

 

Best of luck to you on your journey...

 

 

 

Reading this thread has been like a cold, oddly pleasant smack to the face.

I was wallowing in self pity but it is hard to after reading this thread.

 

Thank you Oracle for keeping at it for two years- these nuggets of wisdom and insight have been a great read. I will re-read the whole thread for sure. I hope you are doing ok?

 

I couldn't truly grasp the depth of your experience with your ex, the scope and breadth is mind boggling; though I saw you asked an intriguing question- what would be preferable, a clean, sharp break, without having any questions answered, or a drawn out odyssey that leaves in no doubt the incompatibility- but with further pain endured?

 

I know my R of 2.5 years pales in comparison, but for me, I'm glad I tried again with my ex and stayed around. My ex wishes she stuck with a clean BU the first time around. But I'm glad I tried again because, aside from some good times, I learnt some ugly things about myself that I had to face- that I had some pretty deep-seated issues that wouldn't go away (even after having kicked my drug habits). I guess my answer is it was worth it because I learnt something new.

 

Which brings me to the above quote that I kept telling her that I would change. She kept saying no- people CAN'T change, that we kept clashing, our fundamental personalities clashed.

I am also coming to terms with the fact that I was a miserable, needy POS at times with bad substance addiction and anger management issues. Sucks to say but she stuck around long enough for it to hurt enough to make me realise that I couldn't change and I needed massive work on myself. So that is what I am doing now.

 

I realise maybe I will always have that 'quick to anger' and 'quick to passion' in me- and I will always have a part of me that likes to stare down the abyss- but equally I have some really lovely traits such as being openly honest, self-aware, forgiving and friendly. I'm a package and if I accept my flaws, that's one step to self-awareness and recovery.

 

Accepting we can't fundamentally change is like seeing ourselves for the first time how we really are; only then can we really be true to ourselves and go in the right direction.

It's like pretending you drive through life like a Ferrari when in fact you need to accept you're a rusty clapped out Ford Fiesta (no shame in that heh). Don't know if this makes sense.

 

And what you said about families is bang on.

 

My father had substance addiction issues that in the end, he couldn't triumph over. My mother has an awful demon temper inside her that I have inherited. And our tendencies as a family to be dysfunctional communicators spill down in how I realise I am an erratic communicator.

I won't get too gloomy however; like you said happiness is a choice and I'm only truly seeing, realising what I have been, who I am, and who I want to be. It is frightening, ego-destroying and exhilarating to face myself and accept responsibility.

 

I am not planning on dating for a good while too- I've been dependent on other people for happiness for far too long.

 

Thank you for the good, cold smack, Oracle.