Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[Estylo]

Oracle,

 

I've read the entire thread and whole heartly agree with everything you've shared up until this*point. Your words are wise and hit the mark spot on.

 

Whatever happens in December, I am sure u will come out of this ordeal, relieved and with more drive. After all, we are humans and we can adapt to anything. Life will make us move regardless if we are still, overthinking, scared etc etc...like u said, it is what it is.

 

Cheers

 

Ps: I am at a phase in my life, where i am growing and putting all the focus on my goals and ambitions. Loved the read!

[oracle]

Thanks for the posting.. It puts a smile on my face knowing that people can connect and share the ideas and come at it with somewhat similar experiences.

 

Im gonna admit, my anxiety levels are running fairly high at the moment, and I am having trouble caring about much or being motivated on any levels. I feel like im being pulled out to see by the current at this point.. Lets hope there is a nice island out there waiting

 

All the best to you on your new phase.

 

 

Oracle,

 

I've read the entire thread and whole heartly agree with everything you've shared up until this*point. Your words are wise and hit the mark spot on.

 

Whatever happens in December, I am sure u will come out of this ordeal, relieved and with more drive. After all, we are humans and we can adapt to anything. Life will make us move regardless if we are still, overthinking, scared etc etc...like u said, it is what it is.

 

Cheers

 

Ps: I am at a phase in my life, where i am growing and putting all the focus on my goals and ambitions. Loved the read!

[Narcissistic Nobody]

Bravo! ..........well said!

[wwwwww]

Oracle.

 

I also wanted to express my appreciation for your well gathered thoughts on the subject matter.

 

Halfway through reading, but it's giving me solace in the early stages. Thank you kind sir.

[oracle]

Thank your for your kind feedback. I am happy to hear you are finding some solace in it

 

 

 

Oracle.

 

I also wanted to express my appreciation for your well gathered thoughts on the subject matter.

 

Halfway through reading, but it's giving me solace in the early stages. Thank you kind sir.

[siankat]

Hey dude

 

I hope your final split has not left you feeling worse, and that you can still enjoy the holidays

 

xx

[hermitinator]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

 

 

 

 

I appreciate your post on the post break-up and it does give me a refreshing outlook on how to approach a break-up without romanticizing or sensationalizing it.

 

I recently got out of a two year relationship and am looking on ways of moving on and am looking for tips as to do this. I feel like you just stated your opinion, referencing your relationship with your ex-partner, but not giving any helpful tips as to how someone else could approach their post break-up experience.

 

For example, even if I am devastated, hurt and wished it worked between my partner and I, I know that breaking up was the right decision for both of our sakes. This doesn't mean that just because it was the right decision, that the healing process is going to be easy. Is there a way to approach the healing process with ease, tips as to make it not as painful?

[oracle]

Nope.. Like I said numerous times through-out this thread.. There is no short cut. Its a process, a very personal one. Its unique to every person.

 

The 3 rules are a way to help you understand to look at this objectively and to understand the logic behind the way you are emotionally reacting. I think that in and of itself is a way to ease the process.

 

But there is no magic cure. no short cut.

 

Time

 

It does get better, but it takes its chunk of flesh.... and I don't think you ever see that lil part of you back.

 

Hang in there

 

I appreciate your post on the post break-up and it does give me a refreshing outlook on how to approach a break-up without romanticizing or sensationalizing it.

 

I recently got out of a two year relationship and am looking on ways of moving on and am looking for tips as to do this. I feel like you just stated your opinion, referencing your relationship with your ex-partner, but not giving any helpful tips as to how someone else could approach their post break-up experience.

 

For example, even if I am devastated, hurt and wished it worked between my partner and I, I know that breaking up was the right decision for both of our sakes. This doesn't mean that just because it was the right decision, that the healing process is going to be easy. Is there a way to approach the healing process with ease, tips as to make it not as painful?

[oracle]

Thanks for thinking of me and checking in, its touching.

 

I dunno what I am feeling.

 

If you or anyone else was wondering, the actual end - something I dreaded for 3.5yrs - was EXTREMELY COLD and uneventful.

 

I opened the back door of his car to look at my 13yo dog one last time and pat him on the head before going inside to get the keys together to meet with my realtor to hand over possession.

 

My Ex couldn't even look me in the eye. He said "Ok Bye" as he was walking thru the foyer out the front door. I didn't even reply.

 

And that was it. I left the kitchen, went out the front door locked it and drove away. My ex was still in the driveway.

 

I didn't shed a single tear and haven't since that day. I was filled with bitterness and anger and I have kept myself extremely busy getting my new places setup for myself, but as I slowly get settled my mind drifts back over it.

 

It wasnt the end I wanted, but perhaps it was the best outcome. There isn't anything more to say at that point.

 

I feel like the purgatory continues tho.... Nothing really feels much different from when I was living with him.

 

Time will tell.

 

Its been less than 2 weeks

 

Hey dude

 

I hope your final split has not left you feeling worse, and that you can still enjoy the holidays

 

xx

[headinthecloud]

Hey Oracle, while I'm sorry to hear the end was disappointing I am glad to hear that you are moving forward and recasting a new mould for your life. Perhaps this new chapter in will be filled with adventures unlike any you could have imagined. I find the numbness is life's reality, and it is our imagination that creates joy and excitement. perception is reality. Choose to dream. You are a gift. Thank you for all you do. Hugs.

[oracle]

Thanks, I appreciate it.. means a lot.

 

 

 

Hey Oracle, while I'm sorry to hear the end was disappointing I am glad to hear that you are moving forward and recasting a new mould for your life. Perhaps this new chapter in will be filled with adventures unlike any you could have imagined. I find the numbness is life's reality, and it is our imagination that creates joy and excitement. perception is reality. Choose to dream. You are a gift. Thank you for all you do. Hugs.

[lovebirds]

.............

Edited December 19, 2013 by lovebirds

[WYSWYG]

This thread gave me a better perspective of my BU and has been a guiding light at the end of this dark tunnel. Especially at this time of the year.

 

I wonder how you are nowadays , Oracle.

[oracle]

I am glad it has helped bring things into perspective for you.. The holidays can be a period when our minds run wild.

 

I am fairly ok for the most part. I - like most - ride in and out with the tide.

 

For the most part I am enjoying living downtown and being on my own.

 

I find having negative experiences with people in the dating / hookup realm brings my ex and old life into focus.. but that - thankfully - only seems to be the main trigger....well, that and I am wondering how he is, if hes ok, how my dog is.. how hes coping back east - I will confess, I have kept enough tabs to know what city hes ended up in for now.. Those kinds of things. Its only been a month after all, and those old habits of mine will die hard.

 

I wonder... like probably most do, if he thinks on the same terms about me. I remind myself - wtf does it matter anyway. Its finally done.. Stop. Live

 

 

 

 

 

This thread gave me a better perspective of my BU and has been a guiding light at the end of this dark tunnel. Especially at this time of the year.

 

I wonder how you are nowadays , Oracle.

[Am4Real]

Hang in there Oracle.

 

 

 

I am fairly ok for the most part. I - like most - ride in and out with the tide.

 

 

 

I wonder... like probably most do, if he thinks on the same terms about me. I remind myself - wtf does it matter anyway. Its finally done.. Stop. Live

[Elias33]

I hope your own wisdom may help you through difficult times ahead. I really agree with your line of thinking.

[oracle]

Thanks. Appreciate it. Doing far better though than i imagined I would. So thats a big plus

 

Hang in there Oracle.

[oracle]

Thanks for writing. hopefully the difficult times are all behind me, and its just the trepidation of the unknown that lies ahead

 

I hope your own wisdom may help you through difficult times ahead. I really agree with your line of thinking.

[WYSWYG]

...

 

....well, that and I am wondering how he is, if hes ok, how my dog is....

 

I wonder... like probably most do, if he thinks on the same terms about me. I remind myself - wtf does it matter anyway. Its finally done.. Stop. Live

 

 

I wonder the same w/ my ex. She's w/ our good-looking, bohemian acquaintance now. I saw the BU coming but also needed to get out of that toxic RS. She's a defined sociopath and I'm apparently a codependent. Thank you internet..

 

"I'm looking at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways" (Michael Jackson).

[GorillaTheater]

There is a very simple shift some of you need to make in your thinking that will completely and forever change how you perceive or respond to a breakup.

 

Recognize that you may have done nothing wrong at all. Just because it didn't work out, doesn't make it your fault.

 

If you did screw up royally, such as didn't meet his or her needs for communication, affection, attention, intimacy etc ... or something more egregious like you cheated, you have addiction issues, were abusive, disconnected ... then you need to own your sh*t and deal with it.

 

If you truly think you did something wrong, then sure, think about how you could have handled it differently.

 

But ... don't beat yourself up over a break-up. And don't necessarily believe that the person dumping you knows you better than you know yourself.

 

I've been dumped plenty. I've dumped plenty. If a relationship just didn't feel right, or wasn't working, then I respectfully exited.

 

Doesn't mean she wasn't a great person. She just wasn't the person for me ... and that isn't anyone's fault.

 

I'm big on being a good 'ender'. You need to know how to break up gracefully, and be broken up with.

 

For example, if a woman told me that she can't see me anymore, I never asked "Why?" What I did say, was "Ok, I appreciate you being honest with me."

 

It isn't worth trying to change their mind. It isn't worth chasing them, or trying to get them NOT to do the thing that they had to screw up the courage to do ... be honest about the fact that the relationship isn't what they want.

 

Don't ruminate about why you suck as a partner. Focus on the fact that someone chose to not waste any more of your time and you can go find that person with whom you do match.

Edited January 7, 2014 by GorillaTheater

[Never Again]

Focus on the fact that someone chose to not waste any more of your time and you can go find that person with whom you do match.

 

While I support most of this post, I'll supplement it with this:

 

Many relationships that "don't feel right" have hidden problems that people are simply unaware of and are unwilling to investigate. Most often, this is a problem with TRUE communication.

 

Not just "hey, how was your day?" stuff, but true, open, honest, emotional conversation about feelings and all that stuff that's usually avoided in conversation. Problems with other communication, intimacy, affection, ect, could easily be fixed if they were addressed early on.

 

Many simply choose to let them fester until they become outright WRONG.

 

A GOOD significant other calls you out on your BS. It's called setting boundaries. If you continue to screw up after they do this, then shame on you. However, if they bail without so much as a word of discontent beforehand, then understand that their poor communication skills were more to blame than you ever could be.

 

Take this as a lesson for all future relationships - nothing may ever be how it seems, but you'll never even know how it seems unless you look...and your partner will never know how you THINK it seems unless you TALK.

[GorillaTheater]

A GOOD significant other calls you out on your BS. It's called setting boundaries. If you continue to screw up after they do this, then shame on you. However, if they bail without so much as a word of discontent beforehand, then understand that their poor communication skills were more to blame than you ever could be.

 

I'm not sure we disagree, but my point remains the same: why would you want to be with a person whose communication skills suck like a Hoover? They've done you a favor, freeing you up to be with an adult.

[Never Again]

I'm not sure we disagree, but my point remains the same: why would you want to be with a person whose communication skills suck like a Hoover? They've done you a favor, freeing you up to be with an adult.

 

I think we largely agree - just wanted to toss in that most other problems COULD be corrected if folks bothered to open their mouths.

 

I mean, lapses in attention, intimacy, communication and affection can all happen - stress and life gets to us all, and sometimes we're too close to it to see how it's really affecting our partner.

 

I've seen many extremely-compatible couples completely dissolve because the unsatisfied partner silently forgave and tolerated the problems until they felt they NEEDED to end it because non-confrontation causes feelings to fade like nothing else.

 

I cannot tell you how many "adults" seem to suffer from this.

[Lizzay03]

Love this, starting to live by it now

[oracle]

Typically in a relationship that is void of conflict, one person is giving to much.

 

 

I think we largely agree - just wanted to toss in that most other problems COULD be corrected if folks bothered to open their mouths.

 

I mean, lapses in attention, intimacy, communication and affection can all happen - stress and life gets to us all, and sometimes we're too close to it to see how it's really affecting our partner.

 

I've seen many extremely-compatible couples completely dissolve because the unsatisfied partner silently forgave and tolerated the problems until they felt they NEEDED to end it because non-confrontation causes feelings to fade like nothing else.

 

I cannot tell you how many "adults" seem to suffer from this.