Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[Am4Real]

Or everything is just fine...those relationships do exist out there somewhere

 

 

Typically in a relationship that is void of conflict, one person is giving to much.

[Softie]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

So there we go.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

I don't care if you like what I have had to say or don't. Its my experience and what I think. Its not right, its not wrong. Its just some guy thats come thru lifes a** hole, and sharing his take on it all.I haven't gone into a lot of detail about the events that unfolded for me, but rest assured its made for tv movie worthy. Luckily most of you arent going to have to endure what I did. So I can assure you... you are going to be ok.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently.

 

Do whatever you can do to look after yourself, as long as it's legal, not a danger to others or yourself or has long term implications,

 

Scream, shout, punch a pillow, work out, get a massage, have a bath, try some alternative therapies, make some plans with friends & family, seek professional help if needed, take an online course.......I have literally and will always do whatever I can to get better but work through all the stages.

 

Taking care of oneself gives you the strength needed to get past the worst and then treat you as you start to come out the otherwise.

 

Life is hear to live, yes it's hard without the one we once loved but life is not over, it's just going to be different. ITS UPTO TO YOU AND YOU ALONE TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT FABULOUS, THAT IS IF YOU CHOOSE TOO.

 

Might not be easy, I've sure had my down times, but they get less and less and are easier to deal with now that I am a bit stronger and healthier.

[SadNLonley]

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

I believe this to be so true. When my bf and I broke up, i started thinking about all the great things we did in our 3 years together. He came over one night 4 months after the breakup. We both talked about the things we thought about and how great it was. How we always kept looking through pictures of us. Etc.

 

About 3 weeks after that, he told me he longer had feelings for me and he questioned our entire relationship and we should move on and see other people.

 

Funny how one person in the relationship holds onto all those memories and feelings and CANT move on, and yet the other can.

 

He was not the best at communication though. That was one issue we had. He always wanted to be strong for me and hear all my issues and take all me fear/ worry away. He would have a crappy day or something not so great going on in his life, and he would just keep it to himself. He told me it was because he didn't want to bother me with this stuff.

 

So, maybe he just needs to be the macho man and move on without feelings or letting me know his feelings just so he doesnt seem weak.

 

Either way, moving on is hard to do when you had so many positive memories and only a couple bad.

[Fredflintstone]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

So there we go.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

I don't care if you like what I have had to say or don't. Its my experience and what I think. Its not right, its not wrong. Its just some guy thats come thru lifes a** hole, and sharing his take on it all.I haven't gone into a lot of detail about the events that unfolded for me, but rest assured its made for tv movie worthy. Luckily most of you arent going to have to endure what I did. So I can assure you... you are going to be ok.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently.

 

Reading this has given me a different perspective on my situation, it's been brutally helpful. Thanksvery much.

[oracle]

Reading this has given me a different perspective on my situation, it's been brutally helpful. Thanksvery much.

 

 

Your welcome, thanks for the feedback.

[shainrict]

47/f - 37/f after 20 years and a child. Yep, this really f***ing hurts.

 

Simplify rule#2 - he who loves the least, controls the relationship.

 

Can't breath. Only been 8 days since complete no contact

 

Yep, this really f***ing hurts

[oracle]

I am sorry to hear you are suffering. You have a long hard road ahead, but there will be positive parts to it and experiences you will not otherwise have been able to have. I know this all sounds like weak sauce right now.

 

I like how you reworded your take on Rule 2, but I think that is stepping backwards. You control everything, when you understand why it is we stay and seek when it is never going to be fully available.

 

The big question is: if I had mister perfect, who loved, admired and respected me and found me hotter than anything... would I be happy? Honestly, I think not. Which begs the question. how the F can I rewire myself to be less f'd up?

 

47/f - 37/f after 20 years and a child. Yep, this really f***ing hurts.

 

Simplify rule#2 - he who loves the least, controls the relationship.

 

Can't breath. Only been 8 days since complete no contact

 

Yep, this really f***ing hurts

[oracle]

Yea people put way to much into the concept of people "changing." Everything in life is changing. We evolve a bit and we behave and react differently with age and experience. But there rarely is a dramatic change, that person was typically always in there on varying levels.

 

Another word of advice. Look closely at the family. There is no escaping what they are the sum of.

 

Im reading this and wondering if I fell into this category? While I had my own life and hobbies/activities outside of the relationship, my partner DID NOT. He dependent on me for all of his happiness. Everything was dramatic with him, and he was someone who played victim and blamed everyone else for his problems. Our phone conversations and time together almost ALWAYS consisted of him being negative and pessimistic, and complaining and lieing about what was going on in his life. He never seemed all that interested in having an actual "adult" conversation or really even a friendly one. He was very immature, and everything was "me, me, me" and "listen to my problems."

 

Naturally, after catching on to all of this, I began showing less and less attention. One, because I started to notice a lot of variations in a story he would tell multiple times. Two, because it really brought me down with him, and I saw my optimism and happiness diminishing because the wrath of his sadness was relentless. When I would offer advice, or try and help him through life and problems, he was always "right." and, my opinion and advice really didn't matter, because he already had it figured out anyways.

 

However, when he broke up with me, he stated I didnt "give him enough attention." But, after 15 months, and he's talked about his parents divorce (that's just one example) that happened 4 years prior, every single day..... Or, when he talks about how AMAZING he's doing in school, only to find out, he actually flunked out..... I think the "CORE TRAITS" are beginning to make a lot more sense to me now?

[Never Again]

The big question is: if I had mister perfect, who loved, admired and respected me and found me hotter than anything... would I be happy? Honestly, I think not. Which begs the question. how the F can I rewire myself to be less f'd up?

 

If you figure it out, please share.

 

I had "miss perfect" in a sense. She loved, adored and respected me and thought I was gorgeous...and was I happy? For awhile, and then I got bored.

 

I became lazy and withdrew a little, acted a little weak and unattractive because I "had" her. She never complained, but I'm sure my bad behavior killed those romantic feelings and away she went, crying the whole time.

 

I'd love to be rewired to avoid that kinda stuff.

[jphcbpa]

That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind. - Oracle

I can see this now. Am I missing her or the fantasy of her and what I had built up in my mind?

 

It seems, I unfairly assigned her magical qualities. That is my doing. But I can forgive myself for being human. Learn from it and be better equipped for the future.

[BC1980]

I like how you reworded your take on Rule 2, but I think that is stepping backwards. You control everything, when you understand why it is we stay and seek when it is never going to be fully available.

 

The big question is: if I had mister perfect, who loved, admired and respected me and found me hotter than anything... would I be happy? Honestly, I think not. Which begs the question. how the F can I rewire myself to be less f'd up?

 

Why do we stay and all but sell our souls when it's clear these people are not investing as much as we are? It makes it that much worse when it ends.

[oracle]

I don't know if thats it for me...

 

Nothing in life that comes easy... typically feels worth having.

 

I think I need a bit of drama and flair and to be kept on my toes and not always get what I want.

 

 

 

 

Why do we stay and all but sell our souls when it's clear these people are not investing as much as we are? It makes it that much worse when it ends.

[sheilaxy]

His birthday is coming up and I'm still on NC. I feel a littel better but still hurt..For the first week of NC I was pretty sure that I don't want to talk to him ever again..But it's been afew days that i feel I miss him.. I hate this feeling of being left in a limbo. Why do i feel like this? Now his BD is cming up and I'm not sure what to do..should I text him a simple HB text or just save my dignity and move on? I know it's sound childish but at this point I don't know what to do.

[oracle]

Nope, you ignore his bday like I ignored my ex's bday a few weeks ago for the first time in 16yrs.

 

Im 3 months no contact as of yesterday.

 

His birthday is coming up and I'm still on NC. I feel a littel better but still hurt..For the first week of NC I was pretty sure that I don't want to talk to him ever again..But it's been afew days that i feel I miss him.. I hate this feeling of being left in a limbo. Why do i feel like this? Now his BD is cming up and I'm not sure what to do..should I text him a simple HB text or just save my dignity and move on? I know it's sound childish but at this point I don't know what to do.

[Cheerbabe93]

those are some good tips, thank you, exactly what i need right now

by the way can someone please help me out and answer my question??

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/465802-he-dumped-me-out-blue

[L1ght]

Once the reality of the situation hits home, things shouldn't matter because the presence of love doesn't actually exist.

If there is absolute clarity that the love doesn't exist any more then people really have no reason to keep holding on.

Facing the truth is liberating and it will set you free

Edited March 13, 2014 by L1ght

[oracle]

I would have to disagree with your premise.

 

While I understand and agree for the most part with the logic, I think the reality is far from the concept (like the idea of communism lol)

 

I find that this is particularly what sets people off, when they realize that their ex NO longer loves them enough... they look back over the years and can't quite grasp how that happens, especially when it hasn't happened on their end (atleast not to that level) Also this is what really triggers the skewed perceptions on ex's and the historical relationship. So I don't think that "Clarity" as you describe it, sets anyone free.. for the most part it sends people on a spiral. What people CAN DO however is make a choice, that their ex doesn't love them like they once did and that they need to choose to turn their back and more forward from the ex. That is perhaps the clarity you meant, but it is not an easy path to walk for most.

 

Furthermore, I don't always agree that the presence of love doesn't exist anymore. Relationships - especially very long term ones - are complex and dynamic beasts. Its not always about love, and just because a relationship ends and people go their separate ways doesn't mean the love and caring for each other died and went away. It just wasn't enough, and sometimes after some time - or a lot of time - life is just easier apart.

 

Just my 2cents.. thanks for sharing your ideas! Love hearing from others and discussing the topic

 

 

Once the reality of the situation hits home, things shouldn't matter because the presence of love doesn't actually exist.

If there is absolute clarity that the love doesn't exist any more then people really have no reason to keep holding on.

Facing the truth is liberating and it will set you free

[L1ght]

I would have to disagree with your premise.

 

While I understand and agree for the most part with the logic, I think the reality is far from the concept (like the idea of communism lol)

 

I find that this is particularly what sets people off, when they realize that their ex NO longer loves them enough... they look back over the years and can't quite grasp how that happens, especially when it hasn't happened on their end (atleast not to that level) Also this is what really triggers the skewed perceptions on ex's and the historical relationship. So I don't think that "Clarity" as you describe it, sets anyone free.. for the most part it sends people on a spiral. What people CAN DO however is make a choice, that their ex doesn't love them like they once did and that they need to choose to turn their back and more forward from the ex. That is perhaps the clarity you meant, but it is not an easy path to walk for most.

 

Furthermore, I don't always agree that the presence of love doesn't exist anymore. Relationships - especially very long term ones - are complex and dynamic beasts. Its not always about love, and just because a relationship ends and people go their separate ways doesn't mean the love and caring for each other died and went away. It just wasn't enough, and sometimes after some time - or a lot of time - life is just easier apart.

 

Just my 2cents.. thanks for sharing your ideas! Love hearing from others and discussing the topic

 

Disagree. I mean what else is left when someone looks you in the eye and tells you that they no longer love you and that your affections are not wanted at all? Lol its such an awkward and embarrassing situation and anybody who doesn't see it as a huge wake up call has questionable judgement

I mean if a person continues to pursue after that then they are pretty much walking into stalker territory.

 

When its over its over and the realisation from the feeling that love is not reciprocated at all should be nothing more than liberating. You've done your best and it wasn't enough. Time to move on

 

As far as clarity? Perhaps the problem is that people who leave the relationship often take a very long time to clarify that they are no longer in love either through lack of communication or because they are genuinely in a bitter internal struggle with their emotions.

Once they do actually become verbal and express that they have nothing left for you despite your best efforts then walk away and don't look back.

Edited March 14, 2014 by L1ght

[oracle]

I still disagree.

 

Your primary argument was that the "truth" of them not loving you should be a liberating experience. That is an over simplification that is so far from realty and doesn't really help anyone.

 

Should be ya, but human nature makes it so that it isn't

 

LIBERATING is when you have moved forward from it and you can consciously recognize that you have made serious progress in the opposite direction. Like waking up one day and realizing that its not an EMPTY bed... but YOUR bed.

 

I will agree with everything you said in your last paragraph.

 

From experience I did it the very hard way. I lived with my ex for 3.5yrs of divorce.. we knew about all of each others forays into the dating experience with others.. we watched each other build independent lives.. all while still having sexual interactions on an ongoing basis and playing house for the most part. Its NEVER cut and dry, and regardless of what is SAID in life, the emotions and reality are also very different aspects.

 

But regardless... when they say its done.. you treat it likes its done.

 

 

Disagree. I mean what else is left when someone looks you in the eye and tells you that they no longer love you and that your affections are not wanted at all? Lol its such an awkward and embarrassing situation and anybody who doesn't see it as a huge wake up call has questionable judgement

I mean if a person continues to pursue after that then they are pretty much walking into stalker territory.

 

When its over its over and the realisation from the feeling that love is not reciprocated at all should be nothing more than liberating. You've done your best and it wasn't enough. Time to move on

 

As far as clarity? Perhaps the problem is that people who leave the relationship often take a very long time to clarify that they are no longer in love either through lack of communication or because they are genuinely in a bitter internal struggle with their emotions.

Once they do actually become verbal and express that they have nothing left for you despite your best efforts then walk away and don't look back.

[L1ght]

I still disagree.

 

Your primary argument was that the "truth" of them not loving you should be a liberating experience. That is an over simplification that is so far from realty and doesn't really help anyone.

 

Should be ya, but human nature makes it so that it isn't

 

LIBERATING is when you have moved forward from it and you can consciously recognize that you have made serious progress in the opposite direction. Like waking up one day and realizing that its not an EMPTY bed... but YOUR bed.

 

I will agree with everything you said in your last paragraph.

 

From experience I did it the very hard way. I lived with my ex for 3.5yrs of divorce.. we knew about all of each others forays into the dating experience with others.. we watched each other build independent lives.. all while still having sexual interactions on an ongoing basis and playing house for the most part. Its NEVER cut and dry, and regardless of what is SAID in life, the emotions and reality are also very different aspects.

 

But regardless... when they say its done.. you treat it likes its done.

 

Contradictory. "when they say its done you treat it like its done"

Yes absolutely.

 

That feeling when you just know....that feeling in the pit of your stomach that kinda makes you feel a little uneasy and nauseous....that's the feeling you get when it is so obvious that your presence or efforts of affection makes your ex lover feel uneasy and uncomfortable. That's what I'm talking about. That is the "truth".

 

People take many different methods to actually get to the truth but at that moment when it is staring you directly in the face any other action than to hold your hands up and admit "hold on....I need to take a serious look at myself and my actions here cos this is really not healthy" is clearly the wrong action to take.

 

As for your own open minded relationship where you still had sex with your ex-partner while moving on I don't really think that's the same thing.

My point is clearly about someone who wants to be done with it and does not want in any way, shape or form any level of intimacy with you......that actually is "cut and dry".

 

Lol on a more humorous note. You say you did it the hard way but at least you were still getting laid all while slowly but surely working your way out of the relationship.

The hard reality for a lot of people is that one day all that love, affection and sex can just disappear in a flash.

Edited March 14, 2014 by L1ght

[oracle]

Not contradictory...

 

Im not challenging the fact that it is sound advice. My disagreement with you is that its a liberating experience. It might be LIBERATING many months or years down the road, but sample any dozen or so on here that have been dumped in the past week and l assure you, liberating will not be a term used by anyone.

 

As for how I carried out the following years. Once it was done and was told that they didn't want to be with me etc. etc. etc. I lost all inhibitions when it came to sex. So i would push for it whenever I wanted and in whatever way I wanted.. I relented and eventually he gave in. Was usually shot down, but not always. Pride? Ego? I didn't give a rats ass about any of that.

 

Trust me.. it was the hard way. In fact, I questioned users if they would rather my way or a clean cut end (I believe it was back in this thread) - and I don't recall anyone having wished to have gone down this road. Also, a long time friend of mine that is quite a bit older than me that i met as a teen, she went thru a divorce after 20+ years and had to live with her ex for 2 months. Still, 15yrs later she describes it as an experience she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. But im not here to get into a pissing contest over who suffered the most. Not what this thread was for. There is always gonna be someone out there who has it worse. At the end of the day its a unique personal experience.

 

 

Contradictory. "when they say its done you treat it like its done"

Yes absolutely.

 

That feeling when you just know....that feeling in the pit of your stomach that kinda makes you feel a little uneasy and nauseous....that's the feeling you get when it is so obvious that your presence or efforts of affection makes your ex lover feel uneasy and uncomfortable. That's what I'm talking about. That is the "truth".

 

People take many different methods to actually get to the truth but at that moment when it is staring you directly in the face any other action than to hold your hands up and admit "hold on....I need to take a serious look at myself and my actions here cos this is really not healthy" is clearly the wrong action to take.

 

As for your own open minded relationship where you still had sex with your ex-partner while moving on I don't really think that's the same thing.

My point is clearly about someone who wants to be done with it and does not want in any way, shape or form any level of intimacy with you......that actually is "cut and dry".

 

Lol on a more humorous note. You say you did it the hard way but at least you were still getting laid all while slowly but surely working your way out of the relationship.

The hard reality for a lot of people is that one day all that love, affection and sex can just disappear in a flash.

Edited March 14, 2014 by oracle

[WYSWYG]

The hard reality for a lot of people is that one day all that love, affection and sex can just disappear in a flash.

 

This I know, is true to my experience tho I would say, I didn't disappear like a flash but a gradual change to indifference.

 

I got in touch w/ all my exes eventually and always shake my head asking "why the hell was I so crazy about that one?" at that point.

 

I have to say tho that, I definitely benefited from all the pains I went thru. Those times I spent working on myself generated a source of energy and enthusiasm that later enriched my life: I'm now better on the guitar from the recent BU. The blues got real when u feel it.

 

And thanks to the past exes who made me a surfer, mountainbiker, dancer, fitness-enthusiasts etc....

[L1ght]

This I know, is true to my experience tho I would say, I didn't disappear like a flash but a gradual change to indifference.

 

I got in touch w/ all my exes eventually and always shake my head asking "why the hell was I so crazy about that one?" at that point.

 

I have to say tho that, I definitely benefited from all the pains I went thru. Those times I spent working on myself generated a source of energy and enthusiasm that later enriched my life: I'm now better on the guitar from the recent BU. The blues got real when u feel it.

 

And thanks to the past exes who made me a surfer, mountainbiker, dancer, fitness-enthusiasts etc....

"why the hell was I so crazy about that one?"

Yeah it is a crazy thing isn't it. On a base level I think the pain we go through in such a circumstance is a product of our own failures and insecurities which absolutely needed addressing at that point in our lives......In a way it doesn't have to have anything to do with our actual ex's if we don't want it to.

I certainly feel like I have a better idea about how to approach commitment with somebody new and it doesn't have to be about putting up a wall and trying to be tough or emotionally unavailable.

Its just about going with the flow and not allowing yourself to get overwhelmed when the dynamics of the relationship begins to turn into a puzzle that needs solving.

I feel good. I have more patience and I'm already starting to see the rewards.

[IMJUSTONE]

I love my ex and always will, and I'm sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

I needed to know this was possible. Thank you! Couldn't have found this article at a better time.

[L1ght]

I needed to know this was possible. Thank you! Couldn't have found this article at a better time.

Good luck.

Edited March 16, 2014 by L1ght