Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[oracle]

You get to decided the value that any person or experience retains in your memory.

 

I needed to know this was possible. Thank you! Couldn't have found this article at a better time.

[hermitinator]

I don't see how this is supposed to help me at the end of my relationship. They sound like philosophical theories, not actual actions that I can take to make this transition easier.

[oracle]

You posted that same excuse to this thread in the past and I have replied to you directly before.. And I have stated it several times before as have many people.

 

Until your ATTITUDE changes, nothing will change for you.

 

THERE IS NO MIRACLE FORMULA OR SET OF INSTRUCTIONS.

 

There are really only 2 things you can do.. Cut contact and continue living.

 

What I talk about is perceptions and human response, so people can understand why they feel so strongly about things at times.

 

I don't see how this is supposed to help me at the end of my relationship. They sound like philosophical theories, not actual actions that I can take to make this transition easier.

[hermitinator]

You posted that same excuse to this thread in the past and I have replied to you directly before.. And I have stated it several times before as have many people.

 

Until your ATTITUDE changes, nothing will change for you.

 

THERE IS NO MIRACLE FORMULA OR SET OF INSTRUCTIONS.

 

There are really only 2 things you can do.. Cut contact and continue living.

 

What I talk about is perceptions and human response, so people can understand why they feel so strongly about things at times.

 

 

 

My bad. I knew you responded, but I forgot what you said.

[L1ght]

I have a technique I use that's been quite effective in those moments when thoughts of my ex creep into my mind. It's probably no good during the initial phases of a break up but it definitely worked for me once I made genuine efforts to nip those thoughts of her in the bud. Basically any time you start to think about your ex you need to immediately start thinking about great experiences you have had with previous lovers(only the positive experiences of course). This method is very effective for me because instead of feeling worthless about the most recent breakup I have my thoughts flooded with all the times that other lovers have seen value in me. It works for me because I know those good times actually happened so it is genuine confirmation that I have been and indeed am desirable to members of the opposite sex.

Empowerment? Positive confirmation of value? It's a mind set and I'm sure people can come up with their own techniques that follow the same sort of guidelines. It started working for me the first time I ever tried it and is more effective the more I do it. I can squash thoughts of my ex immediately now if and when I choose to.

Edited March 23, 2014 by L1ght

[hurts2death]

and the pain goes on,,,,,,,,

[oracle]

and the pain goes on,,,,,,,,

 

 

Does it really though?

 

I have a lingering sense of loss and sadness, but I wouldn't say the pain goes on and on, atleast it hasn't for me.

 

I remind myself that how I am feeling now, in everyday life... really wasnt any different than how i felt in everyday life for 16years with my ex. Though I feel a lot less certain now, but again.. I remind myself that "certainty" is also an illusion.

[hurts2death]

for sure it is reduced. i would name it as a logical pain now.no ego.no feelings ./ a nice person that couldnt see what once had makes me feel sorry about.nth more. the rescue is very close i can sense this.

Does it really though?

 

I have a lingering sense of loss and sadness, but I wouldn't say the pain goes on and on, atleast it hasn't for me.

 

I remind myself that how I am feeling now, in everyday life... really wasnt any different than how i felt in everyday life for 16years with my ex. Though I feel a lot less certain now, but again.. I remind myself that "certainty" is also an illusion.

[siankat]

Hey Oracle

 

How are you these days?

 

I remember you wrote a post pages ago about dating new people.

I was wondering what you thought now about key lessons to take with you when dating again or considering another partner.

 

Thanks

[oracle]

Thanks for checking on me

 

I am alright.

 

Not dating. Took myself outta that scene about 2 years ago.. I think I prefer being single.

 

What about you? How are things going?

 

 

Hey Oracle

 

How are you these days?

 

I remember you wrote a post pages ago about dating new people.

I was wondering what you thought now about key lessons to take with you when dating again or considering another partner.

 

Thanks

[Summerrose2013]

Think I might be one of the lucky ones on here. I broke nc but my ex was quite civilised. Might be cos we were friends before or know we have a lot of mutual friends and family but it definitely helped that he wasnt a total arse and actually we both admitted our faults.

BUT it honestly would have crushed me if he'd ignored me or been awful to me. So my safest route would definitely to have maintained nc.

 

other tios - keep busy and try to be in company as much as you can. Bet you only think about contacting your ex when you're alone? Because you know if you did it in front of your friends they would think you were a twat. I was too ashamed to ever tell my friends about our final contact.

 

Change your radio station from that soppy love music. Put on something upbeat. Dance around the kitchen if you feel like jt. Get a project on the go.

 

get out. On your bike, legs, buy a scooter, whatever it takes.

 

Its your choice to make yourself feel better. It wont happen over night. Make a diary. That wont reject or ignore you.

[FredJones80]

Bet you only think about contacting your ex when you're alone?

 

So true. I'm 7/8 days in NC now, sucks but has to be done. I've also deleted phone and social media so I have little way to get in touch even if I had temptation.

[oracle]

The problem with BREAKING NC is that... well there is NO GOOD Scenario.

 

So they are friendly and receptive? So what. It still doesn't change the fact its not what it was and never will be again... Doesn't matter how moved on you are, there will always be a tiny bit of sadness and regret around that.

 

On the flip side to be fair.. it probably answers a lot of "what are they upto" type questions. Problem is not a lot of people can handle those answers.

 

 

 

Think I might be one of the lucky ones on here. I broke nc but my ex was quite civilised. Might be cos we were friends before or know we have a lot of mutual friends and family but it definitely helped that he wasnt a total arse and actually we both admitted our faults.

BUT it honestly would have crushed me if he'd ignored me or been awful to me. So my safest route would definitely to have maintained nc.

 

other tios - keep busy and try to be in company as much as you can. Bet you only think about contacting your ex when you're alone? Because you know if you did it in front of your friends they would think you were a twat. I was too ashamed to ever tell my friends about our final contact.

 

Change your radio station from that soppy love music. Put on something upbeat. Dance around the kitchen if you feel like jt. Get a project on the go.

 

get out. On your bike, legs, buy a scooter, whatever it takes.

 

Its your choice to make yourself feel better. It wont happen over night. Make a diary. That wont reject or ignore you.

[Zanyuki]

This helps so much.

 

There is nothing better than a reality check. Thank you, oracle. I'm having such a hard time after being dumped last night so I'm trying to surround myself with positive advice. And this hits the mark.

[oracle]

Thank you for your kind comments.

 

Its a long long road, with ups and downs and false dawns.. It gets better slowly

 

This helps so much.

 

There is nothing better than a reality check. Thank you, oracle. I'm having such a hard time after being dumped last night so I'm trying to surround myself with positive advice. And this hits the mark.

[ebt100]

Hello Oracle,

 

I really liked reading your opening post and continued replies. It was actually riveting somewhat (really).

 

I actually completely agree with the: "Nothing is as it seems" rule. At face value, with my last girlfriend, nothing was as it seemed. Not random texts late an night from guys she knew, not photos of her on Facebook at weddings with other guys, not anything. Even since we broke up, we were matched on a dating site, and she said she is not even a subscriber (whether or not that's true; I actually believe her, but that's beside the point).

 

So, I agree it is good not to assume things and start constructing possibilities in your mind. However, with a couple other dating streaks that fizzled out, things WERE as they seemed. Relating to that, however, even those things weren't quite as they seemed. (I worried a couple gals who rejected me for another guy were going to get married and have fairy-tale life, but either never connected, or broke up within a month).

 

 

But having noted that I agree with you, I think this only "matters" for situations where you actually want to get back with the person. Like, you should only "care" if you still have feelings. And if you don't have feelings/want to move on, you shouldn't even "care" about what may seem. Not challenging you at all; just adding my interpretation???

[oracle]

EBT100 thanks for your very kind works.

 

No, I would agree with you completely. We shouldn't CARE, but as you and I know, there isn't really a magical switch you can flip to shut that emotion down for good. Not matter how far you come, there will be times when your mind is drawn back and lingers.

 

The 3 rules are there to kinda help bring us back to reality, or to add a sense of realistic perspective and put the brakes on our mind from running amok.

 

Hello Oracle,

 

I really liked reading your opening post and continued replies. It was actually riveting somewhat (really).

 

I actually completely agree with the: "Nothing is as it seems" rule. At face value, with my last girlfriend, nothing was as it seemed. Not random texts late an night from guys she knew, not photos of her on Facebook at weddings with other guys, not anything. Even since we broke up, we were matched on a dating site, and she said she is not even a subscriber (whether or not that's true; I actually believe her, but that's beside the point).

 

So, I agree it is good not to assume things and start constructing possibilities in your mind. However, with a couple other dating streaks that fizzled out, things WERE as they seemed. Relating to that, however, even those things weren't quite as they seemed. (I worried a couple gals who rejected me for another guy were going to get married and have fairy-tale life, but either never connected, or broke up within a month).

 

 

But having noted that I agree with you, I think this only "matters" for situations where you actually want to get back with the person. Like, you should only "care" if you still have feelings. And if you don't have feelings/want to move on, you shouldn't even "care" about what may seem. Not challenging you at all; just adding my interpretation???

[fritilaria]

 

Change your radio station from that soppy love music. Put on something upbeat.

 

I'm new here. Hello!

 

Just want to focus on that piece of advice from Summerrose2013. I totally agree! Myself, I'm single and fine with it but whenever I hear a few good love/longing songs I don't feel so fine with being single — I start to feel the longing that the songs express. So, I change my playlist and all is well. I can imagine [it has been a while] that it would be so much harder if you are trying to move on from a recent breakup. No need to poke around in a fresh wound!

[Summerrose2013]

Nice expression, poking around the wound!

 

I've had my ex in contact with me, and I've replied, but I think my case is a bit different to some others here. He was a family member of my best friend, so we have ongoing connections. I was worred that it would have made life awkward for others if I kept on hating him so much and left things as bad as they had gotten.

 

I wanted to have some contact with him to let him know that I'm OVER HIM (of course I'm not...). I knew he doesn't use social networking, and I was advised by a relationship coach Greg Michaelson (check out his books, they are awesome and he emailed me too - he's a genuine bloke, he helped me a lot). Anyway, I didn't want him to think that I was still sitting around pining for him, bitter and angry. So I made contact just a couple of times, to let him know all the new and exciting things I'm doing and then broke off contact again. His replies were so bland and uncaring, and showed his low option of me ('wow, I'm really surprised you are doing that xxxx exciting thing'' ) it actually reinforced the end of the relationship for me. I knew he was only replying to be polite/to show he held the upper hand/and to show he has NO feelings for me. I didn't hold out any false hope of a reconciliation and didn't feel he was worth making any more effort for anyway - I don't want him back, but I want him to regret how he treated me. This was about ME, getting closure for ME. I know a lot of people will be set on NC, and if I could have done this from the Day One of our break up, I wish I could have done, but I was very needy and angry, like most people would be in that situation, and needed to back this out by some final contact. BUT did any of it make me feel any better, honestly - NO. I should have just remained NC. The fact that he was a family friend should not have swayed me, but it did. I now realise though that I don't owe my family/friends anything either. I made a mistake. I'm back to NC now. He wants to be buddy buddy, make himself feel better. In trying to make myself feel better, all I did was make HIM feel better - DOH!! BUT the lightbulb moment for me wa that it doesn't matter how he feels, good, crap, evil or a martyr- the only thing that matters now is HOW I FEEL.

 

I totally crashed at the weekend, felt awful, BUT after every time I crash (and I just let myself cry, go to bed for an hour, whatever it takes), I find that when I get back up, I feel just a bit better for it.

 

It's a slow road, and a bit shaky, but I'm getting there.

 

It's hard to take all of the advice when you've fallen into the Abyss, but it is true, you do need to keep busy, get out there, find yourself - you must love yourself, have your own life, and NOT give it up when you meet someone. You make room for them but you keep room for yourself too. Otherwise when they leave you have just a gaping VOID in your life which is too big to fill. By keeping your own life, they will respect you much more. I gave too much to my ex. I made myself too available and he didnt respect me or my time or effort. I will NEVER make that mistake again.

 

Now I'm saying YES to every opportunity that comes along. I'm finding myself, I'm reading up on how to have a better relationship next time. I'm more focused at work. I'm making myself a better person to attract a better person 'next time' round.

Edited May 7, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[Summerrose2013]

Sorry I was trying to paste something here and the formatting went crazy, please ignore!

Edited May 8, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[Summerrose2013]

OK Just realised another tip I haven't shared yet on this thread - get a pet - they are loyal, faithful, etc. You can rely on them longer than any human being. They really will be with you till death do us part.

[oracle]

Pets are a huge responsibility and I caution any newly single people to tread carefully about this kind of decision.

 

Getting a pet as a knee jerk reaction to being alone is a selfish act.

 

Sometimes when you are newly single it is good to be free and not tied to any responsibility for awhile. Go out when you want, stay out as long as you want, travel at the drop of a hat. Be single for at least a year. Become happy and grounded, and then commit to raising and loving a pet - by that point you are doing it for the RIGHT reasons, and not the WRONG ones.

 

 

OK Just realised another tip I haven't shared yet on this thread - get a pet - they are loyal, faithful, etc. You can rely on them longer than any human being. They really will be with you till death do us part.

[oracle]

Your relationship coach advised you to contact your ex? that makes me cringe.

 

Also, reading your post you seem a little bit all over the place. Sounds like the way you contacted him and the reasons behind it was a bit gamey.. but you learned the ultimate lesson; that it was not a worthwhile move.

 

The thing everyone needs to remind themselves - myself included; Once we are at this point, once our relationship has ended up here then there is nothing you can do or say, they can do or say.. or anyone can do or say or any single event that really can happen that will change things or make it better, or give you any greater level of peace in the situation. It is forever tainted, and will never return to its former glory. It is done. The only solace you can take, is that with time.. it will become more of a distant memory and less relevant in your current life.

 

Nice expression, poking around the wound!

 

I've had my ex in contact with me, and I've replied, but I think my case is a bit different to some others here. He was a family member of my best friend, so we have ongoing connections. I was worred that it would have made life awkward for others if I kept on hating him so much and left things as bad as they had gotten.

 

I wanted to have some contact with him to let him know that I'm OVER HIM (of course I'm not...). I knew he doesn't use social networking, and I was advised by a relationship coach Greg Michaelson (check out his books, they are awesome and he emailed me too - he's a genuine bloke, he helped me a lot). Anyway, I didn't want him to think that I was still sitting around pining for him, bitter and angry. So I made contact just a couple of times, to let him know all the new and exciting things I'm doing and then broke off contact again. His replies were so bland and uncaring, and showed his low option of me ('wow, I'm really surprised you are doing that xxxx exciting thing'' ) it actually reinforced the end of the relationship for me. I knew he was only replying to be polite/to show he held the upper hand/and to show he has NO feelings for me. I didn't hold out any false hope of a reconciliation and didn't feel he was worth making any more effort for anyway - I don't want him back, but I want him to regret how he treated me. This was about ME, getting closure for ME. I know a lot of people will be set on NC, and if I could have done this from the Day One of our break up, I wish I could have done, but I was very needy and angry, like most people would be in that situation, and needed to back this out by some final contact. BUT did any of it make me feel any better, honestly - NO. I should have just remained NC. The fact that he was a family friend should not have swayed me, but it did. I now realise though that I don't owe my family/friends anything either. I made a mistake. I'm back to NC now. He wants to be buddy buddy, make himself feel better. In trying to make myself feel better, all I did was make HIM feel better - DOH!! BUT the lightbulb moment for me wa that it doesn't matter how he feels, good, crap, evil or a martyr- the only thing that matters now is HOW I FEEL.

 

I totally crashed at the weekend, felt awful, BUT after every time I crash (and I just let myself cry, go to bed for an hour, whatever it takes), I find that when I get back up, I feel just a bit better for it.

 

It's a slow road, and a bit shaky, but I'm getting there.

 

It's hard to take all of the advice when you've fallen into the Abyss, but it is true, you do need to keep busy, get out there, find yourself - you must love yourself, have your own life, and NOT give it up when you meet someone. You make room for them but you keep room for yourself too. Otherwise when they leave you have just a gaping VOID in your life which is too big to fill. By keeping your own life, they will respect you much more. I gave too much to my ex. I made myself too available and he didnt respect me or my time or effort. I will NEVER make that mistake again.

 

Now I'm saying YES to every opportunity that comes along. I'm finding myself, I'm reading up on how to have a better relationship next time. I'm more focused at work. I'm making myself a better person to attract a better person 'next time' round.

[Summerrose2013]

Pets are a huge responsibility and I caution any newly single people to tread carefully about this kind of decision.

 

Getting a pet as a knee jerk reaction to being alone is a selfish act.

 

Sometimes when you are newly single it is good to be free and not tied to any responsibility for awhile. Go out when you want, stay out as long as you want, travel at the drop of a hat. Be single for at least a year. Become happy and grounded, and then commit to raising and loving a pet - by that point you are doing it for the RIGHT reasons, and not the WRONG ones.

 

Completely agree with you - can't amend my post, but what I should have said is SPEND MORE QT time with your existing pets

 

And yes, head definitely all over the place but VERY SLOWLY starting to get more grounded and this forum has been a massive help towards that.

 

Started to online date as I thought that would help. It did help me, because I got interest from guys, genuine ones too, it flattered me and gave me hope, when I thought in my forties I would be single forever, but now I've stopped, as I realise I need to work on myself for a while. Funny thing is, they were chasing me, 3 and 4 messages in a row when I hadn't had time to reply...and it scared me away....but I did try to let them down gently...don't want to give forward any heartache. although one of them hadn't even met me so that was a bit stalkerish..

 

I have also found Meditation to be really useful in pushing away thoughts of my ex, I would really recommend this. It helps to break the constant thoughts going round in your head and lets you focus on where you are in the present moment. Even better if you can join a group - we have a Buddhist centre near me - meditation and then socialising afterwards - double whammy of help.

Edited May 12, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[Summerrose2013]

Your relationship coach advised you to contact your ex? that makes me cringe.

 

.

 

I think that everyones situation is different. Not everyone advises NC. Less contact, and very little until you are in control of your own emotions, definitely, but there is a school of thought that doesn't agree with the hard line NC. I'm not knocking all the advice for NC, but everyone, and every situation, is different.

 

4 Reasons To Maintain Contact With Your Ex | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

 

I am now back in contact with my ex, on an infrequent basis. BUT I have realised that our relationship would not work anymore, and this acceptance has made me much more rational with him. We were friends before we were lovers, and we were LDR too, which was one of his reasons for ending the RS. We have ongoing family connections - I can't possibly avoid him forever, BUT I finally realised that I can be friends with him (eventually, not yet, I need more time and certainly have no desire to see him as yet) without any hidden agenda.

 

I did give him time and space - a good few weeks - before making contact. But I must emphasise, this is a guy very hurt still from his divorce, he is NOT a bad person, just an idiot in some respects and I did a lot of things wrong in the RS too. If the circumstances had been different, I'm sure NC would have been the way to go.

 

This break up has been a real wake up call for me to get my OWN Life in order, before I can expect anyone else to love and respect me.