Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[Maverick1983]

My tip is to rediscover your passion. What I mean by this is to start doing things that you used to do before you were with that person.Alot of people sacrifice certain activities pastimes or hobbies when entering into a relationship, it's natural and it happens i.e going for a few beers with your mates,going on lads holidays, travelling to see your favourite team play etc all the way to getting a few hours extra to play the Xbox or ps3.Just start doing what you enjoyed doing before.Also the most obvious one is getting in shape and start appreciating yourself.We don't get too long on this earth so coming out of a lets say 2 year relationship and spending 6 months grieving is wasting precious time that you could be spending discovering how good things can be without that person who broke your heart.

 

It's tough after a break up I've been there but rarely I've seen people patch together broken relationships and more often then not i see people much better for letting go of the person that was holding them back.

 

I was posting on here a few years back and I was a mess but in 2015 I am getting married and have bought a house with the most wonderful girl I was lucky to meet.Triust me it's hard to see your ex's faults after a break up but you will and I mean will see them for what they really are when you meet someone who is "right" for you

[groupergirl]

My tip is to rediscover your passion. What I mean by this is to start doing things that you used to do before you were with that person.Alot of people sacrifice certain activities pastimes or hobbies when entering into a relationship, it's natural and it happens i.e going for a few beers with your mates,going on lads holidays, travelling to see your favourite team play etc all the way to getting a few hours extra to play the Xbox or ps3.Just start doing what you enjoyed doing before.Also the most obvious one is getting in shape and start appreciating yourself.We don't get too long on this earth so coming out of a lets say 2 year relationship and spending 6 months grieving is wasting precious time that you could be spending discovering how good things can be without that person who broke your heart.

 

It's tough after a break up I've been there but rarely I've seen people patch together broken relationships and more often then not i see people much better for letting go of the person that was holding them back.

 

I was posting on here a few years back and I was a mess but in 2015 I am getting married and have bought a house with the most wonderful girl I was lucky to meet.Triust me it's hard to see your ex's faults after a break up but you will and I mean will see them for what they really are when you meet someone who is "right" for you

 

That is the problem, I did see the Red Flags, the faults, I mean he went straight to someone else doing the very same thing he did with me, so it really is just a matter of time. That is what I am having a hard time with. Forgiving myself for not having self worth!!!! So I am taking small steps toward my inner happiness and health. The NC thing really does not bother me because I do actually have more self worth now and it is only getting stronger, I just need to find out why I had this lapse in self esteem, I am really thinking about going to a doctor August 1 when my insurance kicks in. Right now I am working on my self esteem so there is no room for error - which means strictly NO CONTACT....

[tamkerr]

You told the brilliant in a down- to- the- dirt way and that style was even brilliant. There was nothing to fear in what you said because it is everyman's reality in some way or another. And when we do reality rather than our "make believe" mindsets, we become less capable of being undone by life and more capable and gracious with it's ebb and flow realities.

We do suffer broken hearts. A lot of our make believe mindset is towards warding off that hurt. Of course, we need/want relief from that exsquisite hurt but is it not enough just to appreciate we are pained and leave it at that? We are pained: We're not deformed or done in. I hate the pain. I hate that the partner delivered the pain on me. So be it: End of story. So I must grit my teeth and put myself out there to be reminded that there is more to live with and beyond the pain. I'm then facing down my self limiting perspectives and fears. There isn't any other sane choice to be had. So we go back to life hanging on (sometimes only by a thead) to the 4th truth:That nothing is constant including our suffering and that it, too, will recede.

Edited July 5, 2013 by tamkerr
misspellings

[oracle]

Thank you very much, and very well said. I like your 4th point

[tamkerr]

You impress me very much as did a gay fellow that I met and enjoyed for 16 days on a foreign trip. The loss of his partner was through death after 12 years and that 4 years ago. He plodded his grief thoughtfully and realistically as you have written. He is incredibly gifted, talented, humorous, tender, focused, successful, responsible, fit, good looking, yadda, yadda, yadda. And he had last year begun to put himself back in the game knowing that he wanted that serious committed relationship again. If you have interest/feel ready to tender such, tell me how you might be able to privately contact me, so I might (possibly) make introductions. Of course, this is not the proper forum.

[Maverick1983]

That is the problem, I did see the Red Flags, the faults, I mean he went straight to someone else doing the very same thing he did with me, so it really is just a matter of time. That is what I am having a hard time with. Forgiving myself for not having self worth!!!! So I am taking small steps toward my inner happiness and health. The NC thing really does not bother me because I do actually have more self worth now and it is only getting stronger, I just need to find out why I had this lapse in self esteem, I am really thinking about going to a doctor August 1 when my insurance kicks in. Right now I am working on my self esteem so there is no room for error - which means strictly NO CONTACT....

 

Every single person on this planet suffers from lack of self esteem at some point in their lives regardless of their relationship status, appearance or personality. Its a natural thing for people and builds up a mental toughness in time when you come out the other side. Its completely normal to feel bad when someone hurts you because we all assume we have something wrong with us when in fact more often then not we are the ones who are probably better off without these people bringing us down in the first place. No doctor will be able to tell you how to feel confident again it just comes back when you unexpectedly find someone you thought you never would. Once you do things that make you happy you will eventually feel yourself getting happier. I'm not suggesting not to go to a doctor that is your own choice of course but I feel that seeing a doctor puts a bigger light on the situation and eventually it will be you that makes the breakthrough anyway. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

[oracle]

Thank you very much... its thoughtful of you to think of me that way.

 

Im actually happy being single and look forward to discovering an independent life on my own terms.

 

 

You impress me very much as did a gay fellow that I met and enjoyed for 16 days on a foreign trip. The loss of his partner was through death after 12 years and that 4 years ago. He plodded his grief thoughtfully and realistically as you have written. He is incredibly gifted, talented, humorous, tender, focused, successful, responsible, fit, good looking, yadda, yadda, yadda. And he had last year begun to put himself back in the game knowing that he wanted that serious committed relationship again. If you have interest/feel ready to tender such, tell me how you might be able to privately contact me, so I might (possibly) make introductions. Of course, this is not the proper forum.

[onearthur]

Hi there,

 

I just read your post and honestly, I appreciated what you had to say and the "to the point" delivery. Throughout my life I have had boyfriends and I have had breakups. Some more difficult than others. Last year I started seeing someone that had been a friend to me for approximately a year prior to that. I've never believed in soul mates. In fact, when I started seeing him I told him that, and that my intent in this relationship was for it to merely be physical. However, that desire was doomed from the get go. We both play music and shared that passion on stage. Long story short, I fell in love hard. These feelings were reciprocated. I am pretty astute... I can usually spot bull**** from a mile away, so when I say it was reciprocated, it was. This person started wanting things out of our relationship that I EVENTUALLY wanted, but not in the moment wanted (I.E moving in together, kids, marriage) I wanted to please him so I would talk about it like I was considering it, but I never made a move to do any of those things in the here-and now. I felt that I made it very clear how much I loved him and that by me not wanting to do those things immediately was in no way a reflection of our love. A few months ago the opportunity to move (out of state, about 2000 miles away) came up. I talked with him. He wanted to move with me. I thought this was our first "step". Man, I was wrong. When I actually made the arrangements to move, he backed out, simply stating he had a good job where he was at and that he didn't want to leave his family. I was CRUSHED. To add insult to injury, immediately following that conversation we went from seeing each other daily to basically not seeing him at all. Then he made plans one night to see each other, to which he just no called/no showed. I showed up at his house, drunk, and made a ****ing idiot out of myself bawling and throwing a tantrum. He said it was over, and man was it ever for him.

Not three days later he took a date to an open jam that him and I would go to weekly. He stopped returning any phone calls/texts. I saw him on match.com, and his profile picture was a text picture he had sent me months prior, like it was my picture..not for someone else.

 

I don't know why I'm blasting my personal info here. No one seems to understand how broken hearted I am. I know that things happen because they do, and that nothing is permanent. It's not that it ended that I'm having the most difficulty, it's the callous, insensitive, "I could care less" attitude. I can't decipher if that's how he really feels or if it's all to make me hurt more. Furthermore, none of those options settle well with me either.

 

I desperately want to move on. I'm in a new city, I'm going out and I'm doing things to occupy myself. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like crying because I miss him. I want to have that switch that he apparently has, the one that you flip and then all of a sudden it's like magic... I never existed and I'm not a thought anymore. I don't have that switch. Instead, I have the severely broken heart. I've reached out to him a few times, and I hear nothing back. Each time I feel a little more stupid.

 

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know when you boil it away I just need to move on. Just can't seem to.

 

How are you doing? Feeling better? Has time helped? I'm going through the exact same thing and also wish I had the same switch...

[JDPT]

My tip is to rediscover your passion. What I mean by this is to start doing things that you used to do before you were with that person.Alot of people sacrifice certain activities pastimes or hobbies when entering into a relationship, it's natural and it happens i.e going for a few beers with your mates,going on lads holidays, travelling to see your favourite team play etc all the way to getting a few hours extra to play the Xbox or ps3.Just start doing what you enjoyed doing before.Also the most obvious one is getting in shape and start appreciating yourself.We don't get too long on this earth so coming out of a lets say 2 year relationship and spending 6 months grieving is wasting precious time that you could be spending discovering how good things can be without that person who broke your heart.

 

It's tough after a break up I've been there but rarely I've seen people patch together broken relationships and more often then not i see people much better for letting go of the person that was holding them back.

 

I was posting on here a few years back and I was a mess but in 2015 I am getting married and have bought a house with the most wonderful girl I was lucky to meet.Triust me it's hard to see your ex's faults after a break up but you will and I mean will see them for what they really are when you meet someone who is "right" for you

 

I really enjoyed your post. You are absolutely right so many personal activities are sacrificed when you are involved in a relationship, it's as if you lose your sense of identity which is what occurred to me while I was in a 5 year relationship. I thought I was in the relationship 100% however, my subconscious always was nudging me telling me about all the things I was "missing out on." Clearly, relationship take a tong of commitment and perhaps I was not ready to fully commit yet. Now I've been single for roughly three months and I'm gradually becoming the happy man I used to be prior to my relationship, I'm starting to think about the things that actually made me happy and found joy in, these thoughts give me hope for a brighter tomorrow and give me the strength to be a better man for no one else but myself.

[Virgil876]

Lots of great ideas here, thanks!

[lovesucks76]

Oracle, I admire you, I really do. I wish we were friends. I have a very complex situation as well and don't want to bother anyone here but wanted to say, THANKS! You have helped me more than you will ever know. I'm still in serious pain and never thought I'd say this but I feel like someone punched me in the gut. I never knew a break up would hurt this bad...I'm grown man too! It sucks! This person was everything to me...how do you move on? Feels hopeless. I have zero interest in dating now. Got hit on yesterday and didn't even bother to respond. Sad!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I printed out your message and posting to my fridge and bathroom mirror. Seriously. I'm only 4 days into NC after bf broke up with me and of course running the gamut of emotions after being dumped. OP's post just slapped some sense into me and comforted me at the same time. Amazing.

 

My relationship was rocky. When we were together I was constantly questioning whether he was right for me and if this relationship was worth continuing. BF had the balls to finally break it off with me after our last argument on Sunday and end the emotional cycle we were in but I couldn't let go. Short of getting on my knees, I pleaded with him that we could make it work but he was set with his decision. I know it was hard for him too.

 

Since then, I've held him up on a pedastal idealizing who he was in our relationship and what we really had. I have blinders on and reading your post made me lift em up and blink away the bleary heart broken vision...and I'm starting to see a little clearer.

 

Thank you so much. I'm starting to think I'm going to survive this.

[donella99]

It's crazy how being glued to someone for a year and all of the sudden they decide to just brake it up and dessapear! It's been a month for me and I'm devastated. I cry every day. Even thoug I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to move on. I'm still in love and miss him very very much

[JDPT]

A month isn't really much, you have a long road ahead filled with many bumps, be strong we are all here for you.

[babydoll13]

Im having a real hard time with this breakup. We had an extremely emotional relationship... both of us totally obsessed with each other... for 4years..... and the breakup was and still is very painful... even though we broke up in april, we still talked a lot and went thru different emotions with each other, trying to hash all that went wrong out... I JUST WANA KNOW WHEN I CAN STOP FRIKN CRYING... I HURT EVERYDAY... JUST WANT IT TO STOP ALREADY!!! please someone help me with any advice...

[oracle]

Aww Thanks

 

Im just a guy.. like anyone else, thats come out the other end.

 

Im over 3 years in.. final stretch.. Live with the ex still but im done with that. Im really enjoying life. This summer has been a blast. I have never used my boat as much as I have since being single. I was spending atleast 20-40 hours a week on it actually enjoying life and living in the moment.

 

Its a process brother.. your process, and it will be what you make of it and you will take from it what you decide to.

 

You will wake up one day and it won't be an empty bed.. but your bed.

 

You will have interest again, when you are ready.

 

It will be ok.

 

You will be ok.

 

Oracle, I admire you, I really do. I wish we were friends. I have a very complex situation as well and don't want to bother anyone here but wanted to say, THANKS! You have helped me more than you will ever know. I'm still in serious pain and never thought I'd say this but I feel like someone punched me in the gut. I never knew a break up would hurt this bad...I'm grown man too! It sucks! This person was everything to me...how do you move on? Feels hopeless. I have zero interest in dating now. Got hit on yesterday and didn't even bother to respond. Sad!

[oracle]

You will survive this, you are absolutely right.. and you will learn from this.

 

The relationship that is hard right off the bat.. will always be hard.

 

Take solace in knowing that being happy on your own, is better than being trapped on emotional roller coaster that you are afraid of stepping off of.

 

I printed out your message and posting to my fridge and bathroom mirror. Seriously. I'm only 4 days into NC after bf broke up with me and of course running the gamut of emotions after being dumped. OP's post just slapped some sense into me and comforted me at the same time. Amazing.

 

My relationship was rocky. When we were together I was constantly questioning whether he was right for me and if this relationship was worth continuing. BF had the balls to finally break it off with me after our last argument on Sunday and end the emotional cycle we were in but I couldn't let go. Short of getting on my knees, I pleaded with him that we could make it work but he was set with his decision. I know it was hard for him too.

 

Since then, I've held him up on a pedastal idealizing who he was in our relationship and what we really had. I have blinders on and reading your post made me lift em up and blink away the bleary heart broken vision...and I'm starting to see a little clearer.

 

Thank you so much. I'm starting to think I'm going to survive this.

[oracle]

Its a long process.. two steps forward and one step back.. but always away from what it was.

 

Learn from this scenario and see how it applies to all of life in general.

 

All of life is a process of letting go.

 

Its ever evolving and changing.

 

People come and go.. we loose our beauty, careers, physical ability... the list goes on.

 

We have all been there.. and probably will be again. You are not alone.

 

Breathe... it will get better

 

 

It's crazy how being glued to someone for a year and all of the sudden they decide to just brake it up and dessapear! It's been a month for me and I'm devastated. I cry every day. Even thoug I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to move on. I'm still in love and miss him very very much

[oracle]

When you stop picking at the wound. It won't heal when you are doing what you are doing.

 

Sometimes there is nothing to talk about.. its just done... You do that which is hard.. you turn you back, walk the other way and don't look back for your own well being no matter how cold it may seem

 

Im having a real hard time with this breakup. We had an extremely emotional relationship... both of us totally obsessed with each other... for 4years..... and the breakup was and still is very painful... even though we broke up in april, we still talked a lot and went thru different emotions with each other, trying to hash all that went wrong out... I JUST WANA KNOW WHEN I CAN STOP FRIKN CRYING... I HURT EVERYDAY... JUST WANT IT TO STOP ALREADY!!! please someone help me with any advice...

[Brown-Eyez]

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

I guess that goes for ourselves as well right?

 

I haven't dated in 18 years (long relationship that ended and then just some flings during a 10 year healing period) and then I go out and start dating again, meet a great guy who swept me off my feet, and I landed on my ass

 

Now I'm in Day 11 of NC because he dumped me (after 2 months of being intensely interested in me)...mainly as I see it because of my immature behaviors, it so hard to believe that I can go out and do this again...how can I trust my perceptions of someone new let alone if I'm at all valuable to someone else...?? I'm so at a loss as to what to do now.

 

I am so tired of being lonely and not part of the couples' world and he offered such a great opportunity for companionship, I'm still reeling after him being so into me to be just left in the cold.

[oracle]

You bring up a valid point. Sometimes we don't even understand what motivates us ourselves.

 

Look. I think you are being hard on yourself. Two months is nothing. You don't even know the true person in two months. The first six months is really still getting to know each other. People are still putting on their idealized version of themselves and see things about you they may have overlooked at first

 

Life is a loosing proposition in the end. Everything goes. You whither and die

 

Life is about taking a leap of faith. Your perceptions are like anything. They are learned and improved with experience and age. You need to be out there. Not taking 10yr breaks. The only way you will learn and change is by continually experiencing it. The good and the bad.

 

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

I guess that goes for ourselves as well right?

 

I haven't dated in 18 years (long relationship that ended and then just some flings during a 10 year healing period) and then I go out and start dating again, meet a great guy who swept me off my feet, and I landed on my ass

 

Now I'm in Day 11 of NC because he dumped me (after 2 months of being intensely interested in me)...mainly as I see it because of my immature behaviors, it so hard to believe that I can go out and do this again...how can I trust my perceptions of someone new let alone if I'm at all valuable to someone else...?? I'm so at a loss as to what to do now.

 

I am so tired of being lonely and not part of the couples' world and he offered such a great opportunity for companionship, I'm still reeling after him being so into me to be just left in the cold.

[Brown-Eyez]

 

Life is a loosing proposition in the end. Everything goes. You whither and die

 

Life is about taking a leap of faith. Your perceptions are like anything. They are learned and improved with experience and age. You need to be out there. Not taking 10yr breaks. The only way you will learn and change is by continually experiencing it. The good and the bad.

 

Yes, life is a loosing proposition...I often wonder what propels us forward despite this fact.

 

It might have been only two months, but he was sincere and I feel I missed my chance with a good guy...

 

It sucks to be rejected and I want him back (partially so I don't have to feel like sh*t about myself anymore).

[oracle]

For you to be a good partner you need to love yourself and be emotionally strong.

 

Having him back so you don't feel like sh*t about yourself is a place of weakness to be living your life from. It is neediness, a trait that is quite unattractive to others.

 

Have you sought out counseling for your self esteem issues?

 

Yes, life is a loosing proposition...I often wonder what propels us forward despite this fact.

 

It might have been only two months, but he was sincere and I feel I missed my chance with a good guy...

 

It sucks to be rejected and I want him back (partially so I don't have to feel like sh*t about myself anymore).

[oracle]

Forgot to Add...

 

Fear and Curiosity is what propels us forward.

 

Though propelling us forward is perhaps not the term I would use.

 

Life is going forward with or with out us. We are irrelevant

 

Fear and Curiosity keeps us treading water.

 

Yes, life is a loosing proposition...I often wonder what propels us forward despite this fact.

[Brown-Eyez]

For you to be a good partner you need to love yourself and be emotionally strong.

 

Having him back so you don't feel like sh*t about yourself is a place of weakness to be living your life from. It is neediness, a trait that is quite unattractive to others.

 

Have you sought out counseling for your self esteem issues?

 

 

Ha! the funny thing is that it's his hot & cold behaviors which have contributed to my "self-esteem issues" and yes I'm in counseling now..

 

When I decided to start dating again, I lost weight, was looking good, had a great attitude of confidence and openness then I meet someone who somehow in a short period of time reduced me to a shadow of my former self

Yeah, I understand that I did this to myself by allowing his rejecting behaviors get to me but it doesn't change the fact that I put myself out there in a spirit of goodwill and got thrashed. I am very discouraged.