Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[lovesucks76]

Forgot to Add...

 

Fear and Curiosity is what propels us forward.

 

Though propelling us forward is perhaps not the term I would use.

 

Life is going forward with or with out us. We are irrelevant

 

Fear and Curiosity keeps us treading water.

 

Don't you think LOVE has something to do with it too? I agree with Fear and Curiosity but Connection is also a vital thing that keeps us all moving for multiple reasons. When you love/connect with someone everything is great. Life is great! I know it sucks when you lose it but it's great while it lasts.

[oracle]

Learn from it. You know what happened. Now don't let yourself fall into the same pattern with someone new

 

Ha! the funny thing is that it's his hot & cold behaviors which have contributed to my "self-esteem issues" and yes I'm in counseling now..

 

When I decided to start dating again, I lost weight, was looking good, had a great attitude of confidence and openness then I meet someone who somehow in a short period of time reduced me to a shadow of my former self

Yeah, I understand that I did this to myself by allowing his rejecting behaviors get to me but it doesn't change the fact that I put myself out there in a spirit of goodwill and got thrashed. I am very discouraged.

[oracle]

I agree. Connection is vital, we are social creatures. But that can be friends and family.

 

Actually I'm enjoying life far more now as a single person. Life has so many more possibilities at this point. And I'm not talking other relationships...

 

In the end happiness is a choice. Everyone needs to realize this.

 

It doesn't really matter what your situation is. Life can be great regardless

 

 

Don't you think LOVE has something to do with it too? I agree with Fear and Curiosity but Connection is also a vital thing that keeps us all moving for multiple reasons. When you love/connect with someone everything is great. Life is great! I know it sucks when you lose it but it's great while it lasts.

[Jdogg577]

My girlfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me a few weeks back. It sucked a lot. She said she loved me so much but it wasn't working because we had been fighting more than we ever had (which was never) in the last few months.

 

I waited a week and thought a lot about what she said. I really did learn a lot about myself and what she wanted from me that I wasn't giving her. I contacted her again and told her and things went really well. I spent the day with her, we kissed, and it felt amazing...like the first time we started dating all over again. Still, she wanted to wait another week to decide if this was the right course of action.

 

Another week passed and although she couldn't stand to do it, she wanted to temporarily break up. She is scared to commit to a relationship when I'm the only person she's every really been with. She has one more year at college (I just graduated) and she said that if this were any other time in her life, she'd choose to work on things with me. But right now she doesn't want to miss this sliver of her life and she needs to really find out what she wants to see if I'm the right person for her. She insisted over and over that there isn't' somebody else and this isn't just to look for someone better and if not she'd find me, but she really wants both of us to grow as people and that she is terrified of letting me go forever. She also insisted that we remain in some sort of contact every few months and she got really upset when I told her I might have to block her on facebook Before she drove out of my life she broke down and said she didn't know if she's making the right decision. I took the high route and rather then beg for her back said that if it was meant to be, well find each other again.

 

Now I'm as lost as ever. I know I have to move on, heal, and do what she's doing - really analyze my life and wants and see if she fits into my life plan in a few months. But it's been hard and lonely without my best friend by my side.

 

Does anyone have any tips or anything? Thanks so much.

[oracle]

You are doing the right things, so good for you by doing that which is hard.

 

There really isnt much more to say than what has been written throughout this thread already.

 

There is no shortcut on the grieving process and letting go... its a process and its different for everyone. Some people do things that make it go faster, others do things that drag it out. I dragged it out, but I learned a lot along the way.

 

You have to be really careful right now, because the natural tendancy will be to glorify your ex and dwell on all the positives.

 

You made the right move by letting her go... Where she is at now... being young and unsure and yearning to explore other scenarios.. that would only get worse with time should you stay with her. Best to cut her free and let her get out there, and same for you. There is always down the road when you have both grown on your own.

 

 

You sound like you know what to do.. Hang in there.. Life will one day be good again.

 

My girlfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me a few weeks back. It sucked a lot. She said she loved me so much but it wasn't working because we had been fighting more than we ever had (which was never) in the last few months.

 

I waited a week and thought a lot about what she said. I really did learn a lot about myself and what she wanted from me that I wasn't giving her. I contacted her again and told her and things went really well. I spent the day with her, we kissed, and it felt amazing...like the first time we started dating all over again. Still, she wanted to wait another week to decide if this was the right course of action.

 

Another week passed and although she couldn't stand to do it, she wanted to temporarily break up. She is scared to commit to a relationship when I'm the only person she's every really been with. She has one more year at college (I just graduated) and she said that if this were any other time in her life, she'd choose to work on things with me. But right now she doesn't want to miss this sliver of her life and she needs to really find out what she wants to see if I'm the right person for her. She insisted over and over that there isn't' somebody else and this isn't just to look for someone better and if not she'd find me, but she really wants both of us to grow as people and that she is terrified of letting me go forever. She also insisted that we remain in some sort of contact every few months and she got really upset when I told her I might have to block her on facebook Before she drove out of my life she broke down and said she didn't know if she's making the right decision. I took the high route and rather then beg for her back said that if it was meant to be, well find each other again.

 

Now I'm as lost as ever. I know I have to move on, heal, and do what she's doing - really analyze my life and wants and see if she fits into my life plan in a few months. But it's been hard and lonely without my best friend by my side.

 

Does anyone have any tips or anything? Thanks so much.

[Jdogg577]

You are doing the right things, so good for you by doing that which is hard.

 

There really isnt much more to say than what has been written throughout this thread already.

 

There is no shortcut on the grieving process and letting go... its a process and its different for everyone. Some people do things that make it go faster, others do things that drag it out. I dragged it out, but I learned a lot along the way.

 

You have to be really careful right now, because the natural tendancy will be to glorify your ex and dwell on all the positives.

 

You made the right move by letting her go... Where she is at now... being young and unsure and yearning to explore other scenarios.. that would only get worse with time should you stay with her. Best to cut her free and let her get out there, and same for you. There is always down the road when you have both grown on your own.

 

 

You sound like you know what to do.. Hang in there.. Life will one day be good again.

 

Thanks Oracle, that helped a good deal.

 

The thing is I'm just still crazy about her and neither of us have ever been with anyone else, so its hard to imagine either of us moving on without feeling some sort of pain.

 

At the moment I really feel that I'm meant to be with her...especially because as much as I analyze and analyze our relationship I really feel that it was overall a very positive one, and I think she lost sight of that or made the fights/negativity out to be more than what they really were. As such I feel like she's wrong about that, but there's nothing I can really do.

 

I'm so curious as to how she's doing and what she's thinking but I don't want to contact her yet unless she does so first. Is there a good amount of time I should wait? Or should I just let her contact me on her own. I feel like she doesn't want to commit to me wholly until she is super sure that there is nothing else out there that she would rather have, but I don't know how long that will take for her to realize or if she would even remotely know.

 

Thanks again.

[Vinsanity1307]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

 

Can you comment on this please?

[oracle]

Why? I have spent a year writing in this thread. Take what u can from it

 

The problem is you don't want advice. You want to hear what u want to hear. That's a waste of my time

 

Your story is an F,ing mess.

 

The warning signs were everywhere yet you went along

 

Learn from your mistakes and count yourself lucky. Turn and run

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

 

Can you comment on this please?

[oracle]

There is no meant to be. Get that bs outta ur head. You can paint anything with that bs brush

 

Who cares what she is thinking. She didn't want to be with you. End of story

 

Talking to her resets the clock and sets you back at zero in the healing process. Don't ever forget that

 

U can and will get used to everything. I got to live with my ex and know about him having sex with people for the first time and telling me about it. Trust me. Your scenario won't be as bad.

 

Don't let ur mind run wild. Change the channel when the thoughts start

 

Thanks Oracle, that helped a good deal.

 

The thing is I'm just still crazy about her and neither of us have ever been with anyone else, so its hard to imagine either of us moving on without feeling some sort of pain.

 

At the moment I really feel that I'm meant to be with her...especially because as much as I analyze and analyze our relationship I really feel that it was overall a very positive one, and I think she lost sight of that or made the fights/negativity out to be more than what they really were. As such I feel like she's wrong about that, but there's nothing I can really do.

 

I'm so curious as to how she's doing and what she's thinking but I don't want to contact her yet unless she does so first. Is there a good amount of time I should wait? Or should I just let her contact me on her own. I feel like she doesn't want to commit to me wholly until she is super sure that there is nothing else out there that she would rather have, but I don't know how long that will take for her to realize or if she would even remotely know.

 

Thanks again.

[candie13]

hey, oracle

 

I'd also like to ask for your quick advice on how to handle the post break up phase. Ex and I dated for 8 months. He is afraid to get involved, whereas I want a real relationship, with plans and memories and holidays together. While he says he wants the same thing, he appears to block everytime an important event appears. And this is where our pattern appears: I dump him and cut all contact. He makes these spectacular come backs, promising to change and promising me things that he cannot deliver. He does change his behavior and I'd lie if I say he made no progress in these 8 months, but he simply is not able to make plans with me or anyone else. His latest stint was to spend a whole afternoon with me, evening, dinner, romance, sex and the next day to buy a flight ticket to NYC for just himself (a week earlier he was talking about trips to Bordeaux together, holidays to Califonia, etc). He informed me, very calmly, about his plans for himself, on Monday afternoon - his flight was on Tuesday evening.

 

As one would assume, I broke up with him and went fully NC. So here it goes: I was expecting the come back act. HE was always doing it. A week after he came back from his trip, he called and left me a voice message, saying he brought some vitamins for me (I'd asked him that a few months ago). I did not respond. So he started to IM me, with that. I said "not interested, thx". He tried to pick up a conversation, asking how I was, saying there was a reason he had to go to NYC, but I for sure did not care."

 

I had two choices: either ignore or respond and cut all communications. I chose to respond - via IM. I told him I was sure he had reasons. I also told him to stop texting as it's getting weird. I didn't want to have to block his calls or get nasty. It is a small city we live it. We would for sure run into eachother again, and I wanted to keep it civil. No hard feelings. cheers.

 

He said ok. Then, he had the nerve to call. "If I had no hard feelings, why not accept the vitamins from NYC?". I did not get upset or nervous, I told him he could throw them aways, for all I care. I did not want to see him or talk to him ever again. He was insisting on the "no hard feelings, why not take the vitamins", pushing me to react. I did not. I've stayed composed, and told him rather relaxed to not bother, it's ok, just throw them away. I ended the conversation calmly.

 

This conversation ticked me off, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing that. I do not want anything from him. To talk or speak or see him. I am sure he will contact me again. I feel like I should not answer him, but I am not scared of him nor do I think he can persuade me or convince me of anything.

 

Last time I've left him, I did not answer to any of his communication attempts, but we met in public and of course, he was very persuasive in person, gave me all the "let's go to California together" speech... right :D

 

I am not afraid to confront him. No way do I doubt my decision to break up, I am made of steel. But ... I do want to make it better and easier for me. Shall I duck his calls and stop responding to his IM messages from now on? This seemed to encourage him to keep pushing - I mean, it's what he was doing the times before. LC as in every time he attempts anything I say NO or fully NC?

 

The other issue is the salsa class. We're both going to the same salsa school, taking the same salsa classes. Shall I skip the classes for like a month or so, until things get calm again? Or simply not go at all there? I've met nice people, they are great fun and I've seriously improved my dancing skills.

 

Normally, I'd change schools, but it's such a small city, the other schools either suck big time or are much further away. I don't feel like giving up my small social circle for a jerk...

 

What do you think?

[crazy1234]

i loved and believe everything you wrote in there.

[Joyvke]

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

I'm kind of glad I read this, makes it a bit easier I guess. I know people have their own traits and stuff. It's just unreal how someone can be so different after a period of time.

Edited September 4, 2013 by Joyvke

[oracle]

Thanks Man.

 

But Im just one a**hole.. Take what makes sense to you from everyone and your experiences and build on that.

 

I walk a fine line on being cynical sometimes. I just try to temper how I see things with what I have learned and am still learning.

 

i loved and believe everything you wrote in there.

[Lei Ping]

You...too...much...mind.

 

Stop trying to be in control of every little detail, it's infuriating. Take the time to enjoy what's good in your life and stop trying to script it.

[oracle]

Tough Call.. the guy sounds like a douche bag though

 

Remember.. DEEDS not WORDS. Talk is cheap and hes jerked you around for long enough.

 

Don't be afraid to be angry or hold ill feeling.. Sometimes it the best thing to keep us away from people for awhile.

 

I wouldn't give him any hope.. hes always known he can come back.. Cutting off that tie will end that.

 

Probably take a break from salsa.. 6 months atleast.

 

Look at this as a chance to try something new in the meantime.

 

 

hey, oracle

 

I'd also like to ask for your quick advice on how to handle the post break up phase. Ex and I dated for 8 months. He is afraid to get involved, whereas I want a real relationship, with plans and memories and holidays together. While he says he wants the same thing, he appears to block everytime an important event appears. And this is where our pattern appears: I dump him and cut all contact. He makes these spectacular come backs, promising to change and promising me things that he cannot deliver. He does change his behavior and I'd lie if I say he made no progress in these 8 months, but he simply is not able to make plans with me or anyone else. His latest stint was to spend a whole afternoon with me, evening, dinner, romance, sex and the next day to buy a flight ticket to NYC for just himself (a week earlier he was talking about trips to Bordeaux together, holidays to Califonia, etc). He informed me, very calmly, about his plans for himself, on Monday afternoon - his flight was on Tuesday evening.

 

As one would assume, I broke up with him and went fully NC. So here it goes: I was expecting the come back act. HE was always doing it. A week after he came back from his trip, he called and left me a voice message, saying he brought some vitamins for me (I'd asked him that a few months ago). I did not respond. So he started to IM me, with that. I said "not interested, thx". He tried to pick up a conversation, asking how I was, saying there was a reason he had to go to NYC, but I for sure did not care."

 

I had two choices: either ignore or respond and cut all communications. I chose to respond - via IM. I told him I was sure he had reasons. I also told him to stop texting as it's getting weird. I didn't want to have to block his calls or get nasty. It is a small city we live it. We would for sure run into eachother again, and I wanted to keep it civil. No hard feelings. cheers.

 

He said ok. Then, he had the nerve to call. "If I had no hard feelings, why not accept the vitamins from NYC?". I did not get upset or nervous, I told him he could throw them aways, for all I care. I did not want to see him or talk to him ever again. He was insisting on the "no hard feelings, why not take the vitamins", pushing me to react. I did not. I've stayed composed, and told him rather relaxed to not bother, it's ok, just throw them away. I ended the conversation calmly.

 

This conversation ticked me off, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing that. I do not want anything from him. To talk or speak or see him. I am sure he will contact me again. I feel like I should not answer him, but I am not scared of him nor do I think he can persuade me or convince me of anything.

 

Last time I've left him, I did not answer to any of his communication attempts, but we met in public and of course, he was very persuasive in person, gave me all the "let's go to California together" speech... right :D

 

I am not afraid to confront him. No way do I doubt my decision to break up, I am made of steel. But ... I do want to make it better and easier for me. Shall I duck his calls and stop responding to his IM messages from now on? This seemed to encourage him to keep pushing - I mean, it's what he was doing the times before. LC as in every time he attempts anything I say NO or fully NC?

 

The other issue is the salsa class. We're both going to the same salsa school, taking the same salsa classes. Shall I skip the classes for like a month or so, until things get calm again? Or simply not go at all there? I've met nice people, they are great fun and I've seriously improved my dancing skills.

 

Normally, I'd change schools, but it's such a small city, the other schools either suck big time or are much further away. I don't feel like giving up my small social circle for a jerk...

 

What do you think?

[oracle]

Which post are you referring to? mine?

 

What I write is about understanding and attempting to exercising control over emotional responses and managing expectations.

 

Also I have said about a hundred times over, that life is going to be what its going to be. I'm the last person on here that would say life could be scripted.

 

So, I don't think you actually read anything...

 

You...too...much...mind.

 

Stop trying to be in control of every little detail, it's infuriating. Take the time to enjoy what's good in your life and stop trying to script it.

[candie13]

Tough Call.. the guy sounds like a douche bag though

 

Remember.. DEEDS not WORDS. Talk is cheap and hes jerked you around for long enough.

 

Don't be afraid to be angry or hold ill feeling.. Sometimes it the best thing to keep us away from people for awhile.

 

I wouldn't give him any hope.. hes always known he can come back.. Cutting off that tie will end that.

 

Probably take a break from salsa.. 6 months atleast.

 

Look at this as a chance to try something new in the meantime.

 

You're right to tell me to play it safe. I was doing so much better, before he contacted me. No, wrong, I was doing so much better before I responded to his contact, I had made progress. Now, I feel a clear setback, I am feeling like shyte, like I don't deserve to be treated nicely (bad bad gf, bad candie ) because of his sudden decision to travel alone. Obviously, it's not just him, it's most probably my abandonment issues, as well, but I tell you this, it stings like hell. Sick and tired of feeling stuck inside my head, of feeling down, of feeling paralyzed, not able to go out, not able to go to the gym, just brooding over what happened ... not even having the force to feel mad.

 

It may be childish, but I will block him for at least 6 months on IM. The only downturn is the fact that blocking him means I still have his phone number on whatsapp - also I have deleted his contact from my phone. No more up and down and up and down again.

 

Ok, I will get my act together, I don't feel like wasting another day, hurting over what could have been. I am poisoning my own life with feelings of regrets or guilt over... nothing. Facts over words, you are right !

 

Thank you so much for lending me your ear, oracle, it means the world to me to just be able to vent.

[candie13]

Can you believe that arse came to my coffee shop ? I am desperately trying to change jobs & I am always at that coffee place, after work, applying ... He just wanted me to see him, then he left. Like ... I am always there!!! Such a nuisance !

[candie13]

Hey, oracle, short update: my ex cornered one of my gf and started to explain himself to her and express her the strong feelings he had for me . So... I though about it... and I've texted him to meet me. I had no idea what I wanted to tell him, but a few hours later, it came to me. I simply had to tell him everything. ALL. A direct feedback, tough, but fair. Honest. I've realized that in order for my message to pass, I had to be calm, as unemotional as humanly possible. Asking questions instead of making accusations.

 

I believe he accepted see me, thinking it was the "make up" talk . In his eyes, the trip to NY was bad - he said he was afraid to tell me, because the was afraid of my reaction, but not worth breaking up over. Unfortunately, it was the last drop, after a long long series of frustrations that I kept inside.

 

Yes, it is my fault for staying for this long. It is my fault for choosing to believe him, instead looking at the bigger picture, understand his pattern and leave.

 

But, oracle, having found the courage to just ... let it all out, saying those words, letting out all of my thoughts, all my sadness and telling him that I am giving us up, was... AMAZING. It felt so good. Now, I understand that having the courage to take closure, to confront the ex and to just let go of that burden that you keep inside your heart is simply liberating.

 

I know people say you are supposed to get closure, to take closure, it's not the other person who's supposed to give it to you. I admit that I was very lucky to have had my ex want to meet me, talk to me and not leave when we started talking. He is the king of BS so I think he was just sitting and waiting for me to finish up, in order to start making his case and start persuading me of the contrary. Pushing the same ol' button: "if there were feelings, you'd stay with me. If you had feelings, it wouldn't be so easy for you to let us go".

 

I've already heard that speech three times already. I'm smarter now.

 

In the end, mr. O, I am not sure he heard one thing of what I was telling him. The feedback on him being very self centered. On him never thinking of the damage he was doing to the relationship. On him never trying to protect the "us" factor. Or thinking or acting as if there was an "us", more important than what's good for him or for me, independently. On him preferring to act based on his fears and protecting himself, rather than confront me, take the heat, but think of me, of my sorrow and hurt.

 

People don't change at 38. People don't stop being afraid only because someone tells them to, if they've preferred to be afraid for all of their life.

 

I know I've wasted my time with that talk. But it did ME good to say those words. I call that non-violent resistance. I have forgiven him. I understood why he reacted how he did. But I am not tolerating it. I am not forgetting about it. As my partner for 8 months, it is my right to stand my ground. I feel very blessed for having had that opportunity. And happy to have found the courage to speak up. And, hopefully, the wisdom to have chosen the right tone, so that my message reaches him. A little part of it, at least.

 

And if that's not the case, I'll simply be the bitter ol' ex gf, big deal. I know the truth. He knows the truth. He's simply prefers to continue to lie to himself and everyone near him, in the process. A scared little boy.

 

I am a strong person, I think I need to choose someone just as strong by my side. Hopefully I get the luck, the wisdom and intelligence to be able to spot such a person. Someday soon.

 

Thanks a lot for listening, oracle.

[Taybjay20]

It's helped me see a lot thank you

[oracle]

Great! Continue being strong, and finding your inner strength.

 

Best of luck to you

 

Hey, oracle, short update: my ex cornered one of my gf and started to explain himself to her and express her the strong feelings he had for me . So... I though about it... and I've texted him to meet me. I had no idea what I wanted to tell him, but a few hours later, it came to me. I simply had to tell him everything. ALL. A direct feedback, tough, but fair. Honest. I've realized that in order for my message to pass, I had to be calm, as unemotional as humanly possible. Asking questions instead of making accusations.

 

I believe he accepted see me, thinking it was the "make up" talk . In his eyes, the trip to NY was bad - he said he was afraid to tell me, because the was afraid of my reaction, but not worth breaking up over. Unfortunately, it was the last drop, after a long long series of frustrations that I kept inside.

 

Yes, it is my fault for staying for this long. It is my fault for choosing to believe him, instead looking at the bigger picture, understand his pattern and leave.

 

But, oracle, having found the courage to just ... let it all out, saying those words, letting out all of my thoughts, all my sadness and telling him that I am giving us up, was... AMAZING. It felt so good. Now, I understand that having the courage to take closure, to confront the ex and to just let go of that burden that you keep inside your heart is simply liberating.

 

I know people say you are supposed to get closure, to take closure, it's not the other person who's supposed to give it to you. I admit that I was very lucky to have had my ex want to meet me, talk to me and not leave when we started talking. He is the king of BS so I think he was just sitting and waiting for me to finish up, in order to start making his case and start persuading me of the contrary. Pushing the same ol' button: "if there were feelings, you'd stay with me. If you had feelings, it wouldn't be so easy for you to let us go".

 

I've already heard that speech three times already. I'm smarter now.

 

In the end, mr. O, I am not sure he heard one thing of what I was telling him. The feedback on him being very self centered. On him never thinking of the damage he was doing to the relationship. On him never trying to protect the "us" factor. Or thinking or acting as if there was an "us", more important than what's good for him or for me, independently. On him preferring to act based on his fears and protecting himself, rather than confront me, take the heat, but think of me, of my sorrow and hurt.

 

People don't change at 38. People don't stop being afraid only because someone tells them to, if they've preferred to be afraid for all of their life.

 

I know I've wasted my time with that talk. But it did ME good to say those words. I call that non-violent resistance. I have forgiven him. I understood why he reacted how he did. But I am not tolerating it. I am not forgetting about it. As my partner for 8 months, it is my right to stand my ground. I feel very blessed for having had that opportunity. And happy to have found the courage to speak up. And, hopefully, the wisdom to have chosen the right tone, so that my message reaches him. A little part of it, at least.

 

And if that's not the case, I'll simply be the bitter ol' ex gf, big deal. I know the truth. He knows the truth. He's simply prefers to continue to lie to himself and everyone near him, in the process. A scared little boy.

 

I am a strong person, I think I need to choose someone just as strong by my side. Hopefully I get the luck, the wisdom and intelligence to be able to spot such a person. Someday soon.

 

Thanks a lot for listening, oracle.

[zanzi]

agreeing with most of this although I don't feel like he is the "hottest" one out of the two of us for dumping me. Unless alcoholic narcissists are considered attractive prospective mates.

[oracle]

...but he dumped you. So obviously there was something that kept you attracted or else you woulda walked. So your description reeks of sour grapes after the fact.

 

And it's not in comparison to you. It's in comparison to the ones you meet immediately after, cause they will all lack the connection that kept you with the ***hole that left you

 

It's all perception in response to being dumped, nothing to do with what's actually real

 

agreeing with most of this although I don't feel like he is the "hottest" one out of the two of us for dumping me. Unless alcoholic narcissists are considered attractive prospective mates.

[ashleyn09]

Hi, first I wanted to thank you for this. About a month ago my boyfriend of 8 years and the only real relationship of my adult life ended things. I guess looking back I could see it coming. As they say hindsight is 20/20. I remember getting physically sick for days and there are still days when I have knots in my stomach. He on the other hand put on a show of crying but was quickly over it. I moved back home to my parents as I am in grad school which sucks. I do not have to live with him but we still own horses and other things together. When I see him he seems to love to hurt me by saying he is going to start seeing other people. He even tried to get me to sleep with him while he sees other people. (not going to ever happen) He can make me feel like **** one day and better the next. I think I saw a post of yours where you mentioned your fears. Right now he is able to haunt me and come in and out of my life and I am very weak to that. He has told me he fell in love with someone at first sight and of course I bought that only to figure out that was a lie to hurt me. I have started keeping a journal which has letters I wrote to him and added your rules to them because it is the first thing I have come across that has really helped me. I put him on a pedestal that I know in my head he does not deserve. He blames me for everything that went wrong in our relationship and that is very far from the truth. I think my main problem is how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me and that is something that so far I haven't been able to get over. I know I shouldn't care but it is still too raw and fresh for me. I admit to have at first called and text him over and over asking him to rethink what he was doing. This may be the reason he is trying to hurt me, to push me away. It's too confusing one day it is one thing with him and the next hour it could be completely different. I am sorry if this is all confusing lol I seem to be typing everything that is coming to my mind. It hurts but I think after reading everything you and others have written here has helped me tremendously. BTW: Rule one is so true. This applies to my ex and I have found out since the breakup also to my best friend that I so envied because she was married with kids and seemed to have everything I didn't. Things are never what they seem and nothing and no one is perfect.

Edited September 16, 2013 by ashleyn09

[oracle]

I am glad it has helped.. Rule 1 really does apply to everything.. He isn't having as great a time as you may think. Bet on that.

 

It does get easier, and you won't care as much.. and then you won't care.

 

 

Hi, first I wanted to thank you for this. About a month ago my boyfriend of 8 years and the only real relationship of my adult life ended things. I guess looking back I could see it coming. As they say hindsight is 20/20. I remember getting physically sick for days and there are still days when I have knots in my stomach. He on the other hand put on a show of crying but was quickly over it. I moved back home to my parents as I am in grad school which sucks. I do not have to live with him but we still own horses and other things together. When I see him he seems to love to hurt me by saying he is going to start seeing other people. He even tried to get me to sleep with him while he sees other people. (not going to ever happen) He can make me feel like **** one day and better the next. I think I saw a post of yours where you mentioned your fears. Right now he is able to haunt me and come in and out of my life and I am very weak to that. He has told me he fell in love with someone at first sight and of course I bought that only to figure out that was a lie to hurt me. I have started keeping a journal which has letters I wrote to him and added your rules to them because it is the first thing I have come across that has really helped me. I put him on a pedestal that I know in my head he does not deserve. He blames me for everything that went wrong in our relationship and that is very far from the truth. I think my main problem is how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me and that is something that so far I haven't been able to get over. I know I shouldn't care but it is still too raw and fresh for me. I admit to have at first called and text him over and over asking him to rethink what he was doing. This may be the reason he is trying to hurt me, to push me away. It's too confusing one day it is one thing with him and the next hour it could be completely different. I am sorry if this is all confusing lol I seem to be typing everything that is coming to my mind. It hurts but I think after reading everything you and others have written here has helped me tremendously. BTW: Rule one is so true. This applies to my ex and I have found out since the breakup also to my best friend that I so envied because she was married with kids and seemed to have everything I didn't. Things are never what they seem and nothing and no one is perfect.