Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[headinthecloud]

Thanks, Oracle. These rules have really helped me to move on. I'm still working on myself with a ways to go but I'm hopeful. I'm struggling / dwelling on one major issue - he never returned my house key even after I broke NC after the first 4wks and he promised to return it. I've since changed the locks but it makes me regret the entire experience. I just don't understand why he'd do that.

[oracle]

Its hard to understand motivations of others let alone our own sometimes.

 

I hear you on the regretting the entire experience. I had started thinking about things last week and it somehow went down that road.. and I never usually think like that - or allow myself to entertain that idea.

 

This has been a very hard week for me actually. After over 3 years of dealing with this ending process, the final end appear close in site.

 

I will know by tuesday with 100% certainty if it is finally over with the last piece liquidated.

 

You are left feeling raped when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place negotiating away at a significant discount to what its worth something you spent your adult life with your spouse working on.

 

It was my first real glimpse of finality in what has been an unending limbo, and it lead to an emotional break down of sorts that I have not experienced in about about 2 years. But here I am 12 hours latter feeling calm and sorted. Sometimes its good to get neck deep in the emotions, let your mind run wild and really let it flow.. to process it all. Its like a summer rain storm... Heavy and relentless at the time, but the air is left feeling crisp, clear, and clean after.

 

If all goes well this will be the first step down the path that will lead to an end in December.

 

It is everything I have wanted and dreaded.

 

 

 

Thanks, Oracle. These rules have really helped me to move on. I'm still working on myself with a ways to go but I'm hopeful. I'm struggling / dwelling on one major issue - he never returned my house key even after I broke NC after the first 4wks and he promised to return it. I've since changed the locks but it makes me regret the entire experience. I just don't understand why he'd do that.

[headinthecloud]

Thank you, Oracle. Sharing your experience and wisdom is helping so many of us. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

 

They say that while we wish for change a part of us resists the change we want. But change is renewal and an opportunity to spread our wings and take flight. Resiliency is key to our happiness.

 

We live. We learn. We grow. We soar.

[oracle]

Thats true.. I keep reminding myself that you can get used to anything.

 

its just at the major transition points, I reflect on what has been 5 very very difficult years and I feel I have been drained to the point where I have nothing left, and not ever able to trust or get close on the same level again. I know its the hopelessness of the moment that is the source of this and I just hold on and ride it out best that I can

 

Thank you, Oracle. Sharing your experience and wisdom is helping so many of us. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

 

They say that while we wish for change a part of us resists the change we want. But change is renewal and an opportunity to spread our wings and take flight. Resiliency is key to our happiness.

 

We live. We learn. We grow. We soar.

[headinthecloud]

In those moments I remind myself to remember the days of strength in your moment weakness. You're not alone. This too shall pass.

[Johnsmith100]

I'm struggling so much to understand what's happened in the last 8 months of my life. It's too long a story but she's been my best friend for 10 years. Treats me like a stranger now until she needs attention. How can I idolise somebody that constantly treats me like I'm worthless.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427637-unique-situation

 

That's my very long story if anybody wants to take the time to read it.

[joe86]

I think actual love is a step beyond that. Love is when you are willing to put the happiness and well being of the other person above your own and you are happy to do that, no bitterness attached.

 

I give that to my partners, and at 27, it's now bitten me twice!

 

I need to develop that emotional defense that my ex has!

[Andy555]

Hey oracle,

Thanks for ur help, I'm glad ur situation seems to b coming to an end and hope u can eventually trust and get close to some1 on th same level u had b4 I'm sure eventually u can!

 

I really do feel my gf breaking up wit me after 6 years was th right thing to do as hard as that is to say because she ment everything to me I do feel its th companionship I miss as she was my best friend and we lived together for years.

 

She never gave me a good reason for ending it but I know deep down it was because she is young and has been wit me most her adult life and feels she needs to go out party and experience single life whereas I'm more mature and wanted to settle down!

 

I just struggle wit moving on and worry I won't find some1 who I connect with as well and she was hot which doesn't help lol. She wants to stay friends but I can't do this, she seems to have found th situation so easy I struggle wit no contact and she doesn't, i feel all her feeling hav just disappeared and dnt see how she cud say things like she stil loves me so much etc but I guess she just thought this wud make it easier!

[oracle]

How long have you been broken up? How has your personal process been at detaching?

 

Hey oracle,

Thanks for ur help, I'm glad ur situation seems to b coming to an end and hope u can eventually trust and get close to some1 on th same level u had b4 I'm sure eventually u can!

 

I really do feel my gf breaking up wit me after 6 years was th right thing to do as hard as that is to say because she ment everything to me I do feel its th companionship I miss as she was my best friend and we lived together for years.

 

She never gave me a good reason for ending it but I know deep down it was because she is young and has been wit me most her adult life and feels she needs to go out party and experience single life whereas I'm more mature and wanted to settle down!

 

I just struggle wit moving on and worry I won't find some1 who I connect with as well and she was hot which doesn't help lol. She wants to stay friends but I can't do this, she seems to have found th situation so easy I struggle wit no contact and she doesn't, i feel all her feeling hav just disappeared and dnt see how she cud say things like she stil loves me so much etc but I guess she just thought this wud make it easier!

[oracle]

That works for parent to child I think.. In a relationship between two non related adults, love is in a way a negotiated element. There is give and take as there should be.

 

Beware the relationship that is conflict free, typically i think someone is giving to much in that scenario

 

I give that to my partners, and at 27, it's now bitten me twice!

 

I need to develop that emotional defense that my ex has!

[oracle]

Simple.. Rule 2. I explained it extensively here

 

I'm struggling so much to understand what's happened in the last 8 months of my life. It's too long a story but she's been my best friend for 10 years. Treats me like a stranger now until she needs attention. How can I idolise somebody that constantly treats me like I'm worthless.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427637-unique-situation

 

That's my very long story if anybody wants to take the time to read it.

[Andy555]

How long have you been broken up? How has your personal process been at detaching?

 

 

We've been broken up 7 weeks but we tried goin on a few dates after a couple of weeks to see how it wud go, this just messed wit my head more tho as we were passionately kissing and gettin on great and she wud say she was having so much fun! 3 weeks back after a 'date' we had which ended in a kiss I got a text th following day saying she had to let me go she stil loved me so much but feels she wud end up hurting me if we carried on! So I guess she has done th right thing but it's just so hard to take!

 

So my process since thn has been deleting her number/fb getting rid of any of her belongings and most things that remind me of her. Iv had NC for 8 days now and it does seem to get better but it's crazy how much I stil think about her and can't get my head around how she doesn't seem to care and I know she is goin out partying all th time and seems to be having so much fun! I guess I'm just being selfish!

[im_thedude]

Looking for a few tips on how to move forward.

 

I'm two months post BU and here is where I stand with my ex. We haven't talked in a long time, be it texting or over the phone, anything. I have zero desire to talk to her. I have zero desire to try and be friends, or try again as a couple. To be honest, I think she's a pretty terrible human being.

 

...But I miss being in a relationship. Not one with her, but a relationship in general. I was with my ex for three years - she became my best friend and more. We spent so much time together, talked about everything. My guy friends who I've known all my life have filled that void admirably but I still find myself feeling pretty lonely and wanting someone new to think about and talk to.

 

I snooped (a big mistake) at my ex's social media and saw how great she appears to be doing - flirting with another guy already, picking up new hobbies, spending a lot of time going out. It makes me jealous that I'm not as happy as she appears to be. I know I should be above comparisons and shouldn't have looked at her stuff to begin with, but now I just have an overwhelming urge to meet someone new and rebound.

 

But here is the thing. I've picked up new hobbies. I've spent a lot of time being independent, and helping myself. I have gone out with my friends considerably more than I did when we were together. But I still have that loneliness, and my circle of friends is woefully small and completely understocked of women. There is nobody at work I really could see myself flirting with, but there are a few options.

 

When you're in a serious relationship, you inevitably obsess with your significant other - find yourself daydreaming about them, wanting to text them random, silly things throughout the day, et cetera. I miss all those things, and am dreading the next few months because frankly I just don't have any romantic prospects! Thoughts?

[oracle]

Don't beat yourself up over it.. its a human response.. Time is the only cure

 

We've been broken up 7 weeks but we tried goin on a few dates after a couple of weeks to see how it wud go, this just messed wit my head more tho as we were passionately kissing and gettin on great and she wud say she was having so much fun! 3 weeks back after a 'date' we had which ended in a kiss I got a text th following day saying she had to let me go she stil loved me so much but feels she wud end up hurting me if we carried on! So I guess she has done th right thing but it's just so hard to take!

 

So my process since thn has been deleting her number/fb getting rid of any of her belongings and most things that remind me of her. Iv had NC for 8 days now and it does seem to get better but it's crazy how much I stil think about her and can't get my head around how she doesn't seem to care and I know she is goin out partying all th time and seems to be having so much fun! I guess I'm just being selfish!

[oracle]

When you're in a serious relationship, you inevitably obsess with your significant other - find yourself daydreaming about them, wanting to text them random, silly things throughout the day, et cetera. I miss all those things, and am dreading the next few months because frankly I just don't have any romantic prospects! Thoughts?

 

 

You do? I don't think so.

 

I think you are fantasizing about the honeymoon phase.

 

You need to be realistic.

 

I was with my ex for 15.5 years so far. Once it was a serious relationship and we were working on a life together it wasn't exactly what you described above. YES they are your touchstone, and yes its nice to have someone that you want to tell about certain things, and want to check in with but I think you are taking it a bit far. Then again I was with mine 24.7

[oracle]

Hey everyone.

 

So to anyone who has followed this thread, over the past year.. or has just started it.. I have some news.

 

Finally.. After 3.5 years of purgatory - living with my ex - the last piece of the puzzle is in place and the end now has a date. On December 3rd, 2013, we will say goodbye, turn our backs and walk our separate paths.. Truly, for the first time in 16 years since I was 19 years old.

 

Its been the mother of all separation processes, and this moment is something I think we have both craved and dreaded for a long time.

 

The next 60 days while we do the last final push and liquidation of stuff is going to be interesting. He has been away for the past month, so we still haven't even faced each other yet while this process of the house sale has played out.

 

I have been processing all week while this deal played out. I am feeling better now, but still aprehensive. Life is going to change on so many levels for me in the next 90 days.

 

I still really dread the final goodbye, and wonder constantly how that will play out and where it will leave me once that final shoe has dropped.

 

I don't know what happens after this.. If I cut him out forever, or if he does.. or if he will reach back at some point to maintain a connection and I will be unable to resist. This is something I have contemplated for some time, and won't know until the situation arises.

 

I often wonder if I have been lucky or cursed to have experienced this break-up in such a protracted way. I have been able to really experience it and process it with him and really come to terms with the fact that we have taken each other as far as we can, and that we need to go our ways so we can develop and grow further as individuals. It doesn't take away any of the sadness or disappointment, but it doesn't leave you wondering about the what ifs.... cause I have explored every last one.. and I know what I know.

 

So I put it to you? What would you choose if you were coming out of a really long relationship?

 

Option 1: Dumped quick and harsh out of the blue.. never to hear from them again, left wondering and longing for them - like they were the best one that got away - but free to build a new life immediately?

 

Or

 

Option 2: Drag it out for 3 and a half years and really get the painful chance to analyze it to death, explore options, wait and see scenarios, watch them move on and kinda come to a somewhat content realization that your relationship isn't a failure per se, but its time for you to go and move forward?

[davidhdl]

I am sitting here today reading about all the problems in our relationships.I have reached a point where I really dont know if no contact works or not. This I am sure of there is about a 50/50 chance that they return. I think if love prevails then they might return, However be on guard for any of the traits that they may bring back into the relationship. This all a guessing game at best. Will they, or will they not. I really believe its all a game, and the winner just might be us who was left with a broken heart, and broken dreams.The no contact rule is nothing but a game and nothing more.

[casusbubble]

I enjoyed reading your post.

[organizedchaos]

I am sitting here today reading about all the problems in our relationships.I have reached a point where I really dont know if no contact works or not. This I am sure of there is about a 50/50 chance that they return. I think if love prevails then they might return, However be on guard for any of the traits that they may bring back into the relationship. This all a guessing game at best. Will they, or will they not. I really believe its all a game, and the winner just might be us who was left with a broken heart, and broken dreams.The no contact rule is nothing but a game and nothing more.

 

How is a game? NC isn't a trick for getting your ex back. It's for the dumpee to heal and move on.

[oracle]

I enjoyed reading your post.

 

 

Thank you! Welcome to the forum

[oracle]

No contact is for good. Not using it to pull a rule 2 and get them to miss you and come back. That's a game. It's your choice to do that or not

 

 

 

 

I am sitting here today reading about all the problems in our relationships.I have reached a point where I really dont know if no contact works or not. This I am sure of there is about a 50/50 chance that they return. I think if love prevails then they might return, However be on guard for any of the traits that they may bring back into the relationship. This all a guessing game at best. Will they, or will they not. I really believe its all a game, and the winner just might be us who was left with a broken heart, and broken dreams.The no contact rule is nothing but a game and nothing more.

[Haydn]

Hi Oracle, this is a great post. Now i posted my `broken heart` on a different thread. But i want to know your take on it. I have re-read your posts on this thread and they have really hit something with me. Please have a quick scan and let me know.

 

I am afraid i have a broken heart and am caught up in laughable cycle of self loathing and inaction. I say laughable because my finest friends around me believe i was seeing a psychopath for 2 years. They tell me i bent over backwards and jumped when she said how high. On a period of brutal self reflection i can see that they were sort of right. I deleted many FB friends (Women of course), because she told me to.

 

When we watch a movies, she questioned whether i found the filmstar attractive and if i did, how could i find her attractive. I started to lie about these things. She accused me of sleeping with almost everyone (Including several men) I had to delete alot of facebook friends because she didnt like themmaking any comments on my page. Every nice thing i said or did my motives were questioned. Every text i received was treated as a betrayal.

 

Even my daughter was was seen as a threat. I put up with all these thing. (Very sad, but no humour lines to be seen). So for 2 years i lived like this. And then she dropped me! Citing trust as an issue! For one month i have been moping like some spoiled 18 year old think the world is not fair. I have never moped before. I have had break ups before. There was a few tears but nothing i could compare with an episode of coronation street. But this feels like my heart has been ripped out. I am truly in love with woman and i know it `screams wrong`, in every way possible.

 

She has texted me a few times to tell me how she knows i was sleeping with someone else. I replied once and said of course no. But that was met with very nasty anger. She has been violent with me. (Very). I took everything. Showered her with gifts, adored her. I know i seem to be painting a very grim picture indeed.. Why do i miss this woman so much? Haydn

[oracle]

Rule 2

 

We really want the love of those that are so unwilling to give it.

 

 

Hi Oracle, this is a great post. Now i posted my `broken heart` on a different thread. But i want to know your take on it. I have re-read your posts on this thread and they have really hit something with me. Please have a quick scan and let me know.

 

I am afraid i have a broken heart and am caught up in laughable cycle of self loathing and inaction. I say laughable because my finest friends around me believe i was seeing a psychopath for 2 years. They tell me i bent over backwards and jumped when she said how high. On a period of brutal self reflection i can see that they were sort of right. I deleted many FB friends (Women of course), because she told me to.

 

When we watch a movies, she questioned whether i found the filmstar attractive and if i did, how could i find her attractive. I started to lie about these things. She accused me of sleeping with almost everyone (Including several men) I had to delete alot of facebook friends because she didnt like themmaking any comments on my page. Every nice thing i said or did my motives were questioned. Every text i received was treated as a betrayal.

 

Even my daughter was was seen as a threat. I put up with all these thing. (Very sad, but no humour lines to be seen). So for 2 years i lived like this. And then she dropped me! Citing trust as an issue! For one month i have been moping like some spoiled 18 year old think the world is not fair. I have never moped before. I have had break ups before. There was a few tears but nothing i could compare with an episode of coronation street. But this feels like my heart has been ripped out. I am truly in love with woman and i know it `screams wrong`, in every way possible.

 

She has texted me a few times to tell me how she knows i was sleeping with someone else. I replied once and said of course no. But that was met with very nasty anger. She has been violent with me. (Very). I took everything. Showered her with gifts, adored her. I know i seem to be painting a very grim picture indeed.. Why do i miss this woman so much? Haydn

[Haydn]

Hi Oracle, can i ask how old you are? Or do you think that age has a way in deciding our feelings or emotions....`Been there done that bought the t shirt etc...? Is it so right to be so bitter or should we accept our feelings even if they will not get us that forbidden fruit that we all crave? Because this forum is a support and of course sometimes we don`t want to hear the brutal, naked truth. That we just cant have what we want. BUT should we become tired? Worn out? Or should we maybe turn that feeling around and say, Yep, i care, got a problem with that? I dunno.........Seems to easy to accept and give in to rules. But i do see your rules and i know what they are doing and what they are saying......Take care. Haydn.

[oracle]

It's not about giving into the rules.

 

It's about understanding why we feel and react the way we do. Think of them as a mirror.

 

You can do whatever you like, the more information the more power.

 

The fruit isn't forbidden once you get it. It will loose a lot of its lustre - but don't kid yourself. That's the best we can hope for - a reasonable level of just contentment. But realize you are idealizing it right now.

 

I turn 35 next month. Age has a factor. Because with age comes experience. I have had a longer relationship than most 35year olds and definitely more than 99.9% of gay male 35yos. Those older have even more experience, and I don't envy them, as it gets harder with age to do this crap over - more jaded and have more baggage.

 

How old are you?

 

 

 

Hi Oracle, can i ask how old you are? Or do you think that age has a way in deciding our feelings or emotions....`Been there done that bought the t shirt etc...? Is it so right to be so bitter or should we accept our feelings even if they will not get us that forbidden fruit that we all crave? Because this forum is a support and of course sometimes we don`t want to hear the brutal, naked truth. That we just cant have what we want. BUT should we become tired? Worn out? Or should we maybe turn that feeling around and say, Yep, i care, got a problem with that? I dunno.........Seems to easy to accept and give in to rules. But i do see your rules and i know what they are doing and what they are saying......Take care. Haydn.