LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Hi, I posted here before when I first went NC (lasted about 10d before he got in contact and I crumbled). Then he left home - before he went back less than one week later. A week ago he left again. We had been in contact but I had refused to see him. This time he turned up at my door and I really believed this was it. It was every dream about us I had ever had. He came for me!! We were finally going to be together! Oh, my, god. I was ecstatic. 24 hours later he was gone. Couldn't be without his girl. He walked away again. I can't tell you how devestated I was and am. This time I am also really angry. I feel used. Actually sick about how he treated me. He was here. His smell is back in my home. I again have recent and fresh memories of his touch. His presence. And now...he is back home now and we haven't spoken in a week. I am determined now. I have closed my email account and haven't heard a peep from him in a week. I am heartbroken. I feel dead. But at the same time I want to take control back. I mean... how dare he! Yes, he is clearly confused and his marriage and life is in a real mess. But how dare he behave like this with MY LIFE. One email from him telling me he couldn't live without his daughter. Dumped. Just. Like. That. Well, screw him. What I wondered is whether the are other stories about men who come and go from W to OW and whether this routine ever ends well for either parties. I promise myself. I promise everyone on this site. It is over. It's been going too long. Too long. He won't ever leave. I don't care anymore about his excuses. I want him to stay away. I want more for me (I guess this is what they call the anger phase). I want to stay angry. It keeps me determined. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 How dare he?? How dare you!! Read carefully what you wrote in your post: What I wondered is whether the are other stories about men who come and go from W to OW and whether this routine ever ends well for either parties. The answer is right there! How dare you let someone in your life with a track record of going back and forth. Are you living in denial? Is there something missing in the self esteem aspect? Think about it. You wanting him to change is similar to adopting a Labrador puppy but then giving him a hard time because you're wondering why he can't be more like a German Shepherd. You know what you're getting into with this guy so why do you think he'll change one day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Yes. I learnt a very, very hard lesson. I don't expect him to change. He is in the right place for him. I do beleive that. I am just sorry and sad he dragged me with him all these months. I guess I am just interested in other OW stories. I read a lot on this forum but don't here much about MM leaving/ returning / leaving. I was just looking to find out more about other expereinces. Not so I can convince myself he will come one day and stay.. Just to learn more about what others have gone through I guess.. Him and me. We are done. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 He's not 'played you', in my view. He made moves, he wanted to leave, he found he couldn't. Playing you would have been to keep promising to leave and then not doing it. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who's married then what you're doing is exactly right. Try to keep busy, fill your time with people who make you smile, try new things. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Hi Silly Girl. I agree with you. I never doubted he loved me, he just couldn't leave his little girl. The thing is, I always knew it, I just held on and hoped and prayed. People say look at his actions and not his words. And he did leave. He did pack his bag. He even sat the girl down and told her he was leaving. He is a pretty mixed up man. But at the same time look what he did to me. Twice! I am not the victim. I am not stupid enough to think I am, but god it hurts. Anyway. None of it matters any more. Really, I can't think about him at home and how he may or may not be thinking or feeling. I hope I can hold onto the strength to move onwards from here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 LFH. Thank you for your words of support. It's hard to believe its over, for real this time. But I also know.. I AM worth more. It IS time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Hi Silly Girl. I agree with you. I never doubted he loved me, he just couldn't leave his little girl. The thing is, I always knew it, I just held on and hoped and prayed. People say look at his actions and not his words. And he did leave. He did pack his bag. He even sat the girl down and told her he was leaving. He is a pretty mixed up man. But at the same time look what he did to me. Twice! I am not the victim. I am not stupid enough to think I am, but god it hurts. Anyway. None of it matters any more. Really, I can't think about him at home and how he may or may not be thinking or feeling. I hope I can hold onto the strength to move onwards from here. I understand. It's devastating. Truly. I've been there. You CAN do this, you can. Be proactive in your recovery and it will start to hurt a little less much sooner than you think. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 How dare he is right! How dare he play with both of your emotions. What power he has been given! Run to you, run to her. I agree, screw him! Take it away from him, he doesn't deserve it. You stated - I promise myself. I promise everyone on this site. It is over. I'm going to hold you to that! Toying with your heart is not nice. He's not a nice man. No matter how good he smells. He really stinks inside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Alice. My history on this site says I will go back to him. I can see how it looks. But I know I must not. It's up to me now. I get it. I understand what I must do. What he is, was or how he feels now is not the point. It must be about me now if I am to be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 LFH. Again thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 No matter how good he smells. He really stinks inside. Mercy- brilliant!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Alice. I have closed my email address and kept it that way. That was big for me. Our main form of communication was MSN and email. It means not only will he get the picture, I don't even know if he tried to contact me. It also means I have deleted every email he ever sent me. It feels pretty good actually.. I work with him. It makes it doubly hard. But have stayed away from any form of contact in 1 week. It feels good to take the power back. I feel really low right now, but I do feel determined. Really- two years of my life he has had. He's not getting any more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) I like your quote Mercy, no matter how good he smells, he stinks inside, haha, not referring to just this man but several others we could mention. Take Alice with a pinch of salt. I would guess she might be a betrayed wife, you can often tell by the barbed comments. Ladylost sorry this has happened to you. I hope you stick to moving on, it's so hard I know, it helps if you meet someone really nice though to take your mind off it (I know that too lol) and so get in the best shape you can, get dressed up and out there, and get another one. PS I don't think you've heard the last of him, I think YOU will have to decide that. I would never in a million years have thought I would be the one to draw a line under mine, but I have, I ignored the last two attempts my ex MM made to get my attention, one was actually a message, I can't believe the contempt I felt. Edited August 19, 2012 by Pink_orchid 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 LadyLost, sorry you are hurting. I think you have absolutely made the right decision and you can be strong and stick to it. I think it helps to focus on how badly he behaved, because he really has behaved horribly. Just think if what he says is true and he sat his girl down and told her he was leaving. Then he comes back again like a yo-yo. What is she to think? If she does this or that, maybe daddy will come back again? Hopefully, he lied and his girl just thought he was away for a day, always planning to return as he did. Either way, he has serious problems and you deserve so much better. When you feel weak and want to contact him, think about how he treats those in his life who love him and trust him, like yourself and his girl. You asked if others experienced this and I didn't experience any yo-yoing personally, but I do recall other examples here on LS from a while ago (a year or two). I don't recall the MM actually made a final decision. What I recall was either the BW or the OW saying enough already and ending things. Someone behaving this way is crying out for someone else to make the decision for them. Probably both should say enough and leave MM with the time alone he needs to get his head together enough to be a responsible parent and maybe a responsible partner someday. What matters to you, right now, is that you recognize that you deserve better and he is in a bad enough state that he is not going to be able to deliver much better anytime soon. Good for you, for recognizing this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Pink orchid. I hope I find the strength that you did to keep going. I can't imagine ever falling in love again (even as I type that I know how silly it sounds), but something that has kept me going through this is that one day I will find happiness. He decided to stick with his miserable life. I however do have a chance still. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Woinlove. You have summarised really well the situation and how I feel. He really is mixed up and I am glad I can now feel able to leave him alone to get on with it. A friend said she was desperate to see the sparkle back in my eyes. It made me sad, but I want that too. I feel awfully sad, but I do have a determination I don't think I had before. I personally don't think I will hear from him again, but I want to get to the point where I don't care. If he had stayed. It might have been a week or a few months, but I believe ultimately he would have been miserable and gone home. Yes he messed me about. Yes he is seriously confused, but at least it's over now. I MUST NOT come back here in a few months time bleating about how he did it to me for a third time!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Ladylost thank you for saying I have had strength. You never see what a strong person you are to have dealt with what you have dealt with, especially in this type of situation, as you don't actually go around able to talk about it as it has to be relatively secret. Actually that is something that MM has to their advantage, no one (or few) know exactly what they have done, and therefore they get away with most of it, with their friends and family still thinking what a jolly good guy they are... I had this just recently... my ex MM was such a fantastic person for doing such-and-such and they publicly shouted about it... Hmmm I know different. You will be fine. You will find happiness. As you say, you're actually in a much better place than him in his sad sham of a relationship. He is very f**ked up. I had the yo-yoing and mixed messages from mine... at first I genuinely had so much compassion... I thought awwww... poor darling... it must be so hard for him... then you wake up and think what is that actually doing to me???? Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 LL - sucks doesn't it? mine came back or was coming back around to me again early this year. he had the perfect opportunity to be done w/ his M. now i have his scent, his touch, his voice, the way he looks at me (which prior to that, i hadn't experienced in 4 years! i could never forget but at least it wasn't so vivid.) burned into my skin and my mind and that is making my process of moving forward alone the most painful thing i've ever had to go through. to answer your question, rarely does it end well. mine didn't. by that, i mean it hasn't really ended but i also have heard nothing--NOTHING from him in over 5 months! i can assume this means he just decided to stay w/ *her* i have days where i'm angry (every day! lol. i spent all summer in the grief stage) and then i have days where i thought i was done crying, yet my eyes fill up w/ tears. today's one of those days i feel like i'm bleeding internally. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 rhw - yes. It sucks. The smell thing. Really hard. I read somewhere it's the smell which attracts two people. Argh well. No point in going there.. You describe really well how I feel currently. It's harder when it's fresh in your mind and on your sheets! What a b*****d though for coming back into your life after all that time then disappearing again. It's not fair. These men are selfish. They really are. Stay strong rhw. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 I just want to say thank you to everyone who has posted support for me. It's a distraction being here but also it shows me that others have experienced the same and many have survived. I can do it too, I must. Brilliant quote from Mercy re: smelling good but being rotten inside. Funny, rather sad and unfortunately true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rhw Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 thank goodness it's not in my sheets. i suspect the reason he went ghost on me is he knew we were heading that direction again. 4 years ago, it was wall-floor-shower-floor-bed. oh god the chemistry btwn us. (i have a thread up already about this, 2 actually. we've been in an A for 11 years!). then mostly through email but we hadn't seen each other face to face in 4 years. i guess we both thought maybe when we did, the powderkeg chemistry wouldn't still be there after all that time. um, it was. big time. so we met for lunch once which became meeting for dinner which became meeting for lunch which became meeting for my bday, which never happened. no happy birthday, no i'm sorry, no goodbye... nothing. yes, i'm incredibly angry and deeply hurt. stay strong, yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Packing a bag, turning up at your house and then going back home 24 hours later are not the actions of a MM who is "leaving" the marriage. Yep! A MM who ends the M tells you AFTER its FINAL! He just gives evidence that this MM is afraid to be alone! BIG difference! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 I didn't find Alice's posts mean. My reaction was "that could actually be true". Only the W would be able to tell the truth. I have read about cases where they go back and forth, and back and forth. My conclusion from what I read is that separating doesn't mean anything. Sometimes divorce doesn't mean anything, as they go back, but separation equals a big zero and an infinite waste of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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