Im pregnant and my husband wants out

[Sohurt]

Married for 8 years and due with our 2nd child any day now. We have had a really good relationship with one major bump, and that turned out to be my worst nightmare. He had an affair and a child with this woman while I was pregnant with my 1st back in 1999. I did not know about the affair or the child until I discovered and email from her 3 years ago I forgave him and we moved on. He swore to me that he had learned from his mistake and would never hurt me again. It was all good, so I thought.

 

We bought a house and got pregnant again. Now he's back to his old tricks. He stays out late almost every night, "working" thats what he calls it. Now he is not coming home at all. We discussed this problem and he asked me for some space. His excuses for not wanting to be married any more, run from, I need space,give me a break, I do love u but just give me time.

 

He went away to his brothers house for 3 days and came back, telling me he still loves me. Now he says he lied about loving me and he wants out. He confessed to being a womanizer. I don't know what to do anymore, he is still staying out late but is sleeping in our daughters room. I asked him to stay until the baby is born. He wants to move out now.

 

I want him to be there when the baby is born, I want him to snap out of it and realize how much I still love him and how much we need him. But I know the chances of that happening are slim to none. Now I am thinking about going away for a while and have him stay at home alone, thinking that maybe he will realize what he is losing and come look for me.

 

All of this has taken a toll on my pregnancy and I am extreamly depressed. My daughter keeps asking me why dad dozen't love us anymore and if its true he is moving away. I told her to ask him. He is very much involved with our daughter, he wants to move out and be able to see his kids, but I find it very hard to accept the fact that it is over between us.

 

What can I do?

[uriel]

Very sorry you're going through this.

 

Sounds like your husband has some deep-seated fears about commitment that come out when you are pregnant. His acting out is his way of attempting to run from those fears. It's not about not loving you (you are still the amazing woman he fell in love with) -- although his selfish behavior is very hurtful and may mean that you don't want to stay involved with him, ultimately. Let him know what he's risking through doing this a second time -- the decision to return isn't his alone. He may not be welcome back.

 

What is he so afraid of? He might not know. It often takes men intensive counseling to find out. We can put a broad label on it: responsibility. But, there' s a unique take on that with every individual. Maybe his dad was a crummy father and he's afraid he will be too. Maybe he feels the burden of having to provide more money or more emotion for the kids than he feels like he can. Maybe he feels like he won't be himself anymore -- able to be who he is and do the things he likes -- now that he's got two kids. Think about it -- you probably know him better than anyone.

 

At this point, you need couple counseling and he needs individual therapy. You might need treatment too for the depression. Don't delay -- especially on your own therapy for depression. That may be the lifeline you need to get through this.

 

Meanwhile, be very careful what you tell your daughter about your husband. Say the problem is between you and him, and not between him and her. Little girls derive a large part of their self-worth from being loved by daddy. If she loses that feeling, she'll suffer for a lifetime.

 

-- uriel

[Sohurt]

You are so right!

 

He has a HUGE dad issue. He does not know who his real dad is! To make his story short, no dad, stepdad yes. Mother left him behind with grandma when she as 16. He lived w/grandma until 7 or 8. Did not adjust well to new home, new brothers, new dad. His stepdad never mistreated him as far as I know and he will say that is true. But still not knowing who real dad is has got to be tough.

 

I knew all of this prior to marriage and I knew it could be a problem. But I think his problem is not that, I know him pretty well and I think its a freedom thing. He now is going to have more babies to take care of and I think that all he wants is to be able to run around and fool around. I have given him alot of space and I think its about time he realizes that he needs to grow up.

 

I needed him so much during this pregnancy and he wasn't or isn't there. I still have a few more days to go until I give birth and he still isn't coming home on time. I am just so misrable and lonely I wish he would snap out of it and be home again. I miss coming home and spending time with him, and so does our daughter. The trips to the movies have stoped, no more breakfast together anymore, no more dinners, no more watching our favorite tv shows in bed together. its really hard.

No more husband and wife connection. I need someone to talk to sometimes and its hard when I live so far away from mom and sis.

 

Thats another issue I have to deal with this weekend. My parents don't know whats going on. I haven't told them anything, I am so afraid of how they will react. I am not prepared to explain! I just want to have this baby and then face my problems.

 

Last night he came home and spent the night with me. I gave in!!!!! I needed the connection so I thought. Now I feel like he just used me. I just wish that I knew for sure if when this baby boy comes he will realize that he is needed and will snap out of his need space need to be a bachlor mode!!!!

 

 

Thanks for your response, I have been keeping all of this bottled up inside for months now. I feel like I'm losing my mind

[supermom]

I feel so sorry this is really hard.

 

I have heard that alot of husbands freak out when their woman is preg. Just wait, when he sees his son he will be so extactic that hopefully this will all change.

 

In the meantime please make sure you have someone to talk to and be with you if it is not going to be him. The Post partum depression ( in which i hope you dont have) will be hard to go through alone.

 

please keep us posted. i for sure am worried about you. i know what it is like to be preg and have a husband go for others.

 

i hope that you are well and please please keep us posted.

 

good luck...babies are miracles and congrats on your soon to be delivery!

[Sohurt]

I just found out five minuts ago of another woman, i am so devastated. I just called him on his phone and cused him out. i am freaking out.

 

oh my god, i am hurting so bad and this baby is still in me!!!!!!!

 

I cant understand why he is doing this to me

 

 

I cant go on I feel so much pain

[Mr Spock]

You, my dear, have married a "cake eater". When I find the article on here I'll cross post it. It is very good.

 

Right now, you need to focus on yourself and the baby. This pain is not unbearable. It will not kill you. It will make you stronger. Don't take any more of his fone calls. Contact a divorce lawyer-anyone who can ensure your financial security. You've got too much going on to deal with this BS right now-have the baby, who is half of you, and worry about him later. He's not worth it at the moment.

 

I say again-the pain is not unbearable. It will not kill you. And I promise it will get better as the days go on.

[Sohurt]

thank you for listening, i am all alone. my whole family lives 3 hours away and I cant leave my home right now. Its a legal issue.

 

I just dont know what to do!!!!!!!

 

My daughter is sleeping right now and i am just balling!!! he texted messaged me right now just very defensive and he is coming to pick up his stuff.

 

I am just losing it right now

[Mr Spock]

**** him. Go lock the doors, I mean it. Call the cops if he tries to enter. Throw his **** on the lawn. I don't mean to curse so much, but you're days away from popping and he can't control his immature cake eating behaviour enough not to take years off your life in stress?

 

Do you REALLY want this man back in your life? Someone who can just decide one day they don't love you anymore and want out? So he kisses your ass. It's good for a couple of months, maybe a year, then he pulls this crap AGAIN.

 

Do you want do feel this pain with him again? Don't let him in the damn house.

[Sohurt]

i dont think he will show, he is pissed that i went through his emails and now that I threatened him, i told him that i was packing and leaving right now. he called 3 times and says don't leave just like that, he wants the kids.

 

he shows up for 15 minutes today and leaves

 

just a few hours ago we were eating ice cream in our kitchen talking

 

 

what a jerk, I dont want to love him anymore

 

but I am about to pop, probably tonight and I am scared of delievering alone

[Mr Spock]

Where is your family in all this?

[Sohurt]

i live 3 hours away from all of them. and the only one that knows part of the story is my sis. I am literally all alone

my parents don't know a thing, they dont even know about 1st affair back in 99

My brother in law lives 1 mile from me but he is too young to understand. I will call him to come and stay with my 5 yr old if I go to the hospital but for the delivery I was only counting on my husband.

 

 

now i dont think i will call him to come and see his son be born.

 

 

i just cant stop thinking of why

 

why did he do this to me?

[Mr Spock]

Because he's a cake eating pig scum. Stop thinking of Why? No more what ifs?

 

The facts are there. Pull yourself together....call your mom. Call your dad. They love you. Call your sister. Tell them ALL what happened. Your family are your troops, and you need to rally them at the moment.

[Sohurt]

I guess i will have to call my mom. I dont have a choice. I cant do this alone.

 

i just hope that i dont go into labor tonight

[Mr Spock]

Call your mom, and if you feel like it share what she says. Best of luck. Get this turd out of your life at the moment-he's stressing you out WAY too much.

[Sohurt]

thanks i will