She loves me but she broke up with me

[strengthinpain]

Brace yourself. This is going to be a long one. I may lack some organization of thoughts but bear with me.

 

Hi guys and gals. Noob here. My girlfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me. We are both 22. I thought she was the girl I was going to marry. We love(d) eachother so much. I feel so torn up and I'd like advice. Let me give you the bumps of our relationship and the reasons I think led to the break up first.

 

We started dating in our last semester of our senior year of high school. She was a rebound. She was well aware of this. I was also completely over my ex (because my ex had cheated on me) so everything was gravy. We were happy. The first bump happened where she would flirt text with this guy (call him texting guy) from another school that I knew liked her. I knew she liked his attention. She knew I didn't like her always texting this guy. They continued to be friends until one time she lied to me and asked me to drop her off at the movies with her family. But really she was seeing a movie with the texting guy. I had a weird feeling dropping her off and watched her go in and saw texting guy waiting by the door, walk towards, then saw him get cued to turn around and go inside since I was still there. I asked her about it immediately through text and she denied it and got defensive. Anyway after this event, she cried to me apologizing and I chose to forgive her. She understood that staying together would mean rebuilding my trust for her and she was cool with that. And so was I. She stopped talking to texting guy ever since.

 

 

We graduated together. Went to prom together. She was my high school sweetheart. First summer out of high school came. Everything was great. We had fun together. We laughed together. My randomness made her laugh all the time. She lost her virginity to me this summer (about 6 months into the relationship). College came around and she stayed in our home town for community college while I went an hour away to a university. During this period we would see each other on weekends and talk/text on the phone nearly every day. We missed each other all the time! We would enjoy each other whether we sat and watched tv or had an eventful day. We spent the whole 1st college school year this way. Although, at some point in that year, she didn't tell me she was going out to night clubs and dancing with other guys. I found out through one of my friends in our home town. Again, she cried and apologized and I forgave her. I was ok with her going to the night clubs, just not dancing with other guys (in the grinding kinda way). However, the frequency of her clubbing without me (I wasn't into going clubbing) was kind of a turn off. I let this be known (mistakenly maybe). We were great again shortly after working out this ordeal. During the second semester, we confessed our love for one another (she told me first). We had been leading up to this point. I had told her I felt strong feelings for her before. I told her "I more than liked her" ( I realized I started loving her at this point) and she felt the same way. I made up a word to tell her I more than liked her because I was fearful of her not loving me back. I would say "I hookamunka you" and she would say it in return. One night we were lying naked on my dorm bed starring into each others eyes. The TV was on. We had just finished having sex. And then she said it. She told me she loved me. And I happily said I love you too. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

 

The point is, that during our time away we had a constant desire for one another. We missed each other all the time. This carried over when I transferred to the university back home and moved back with my parents

(we both have been living with our parents). We would see each other and talked very frequently and missed each other at every moment apart from one another. Right before the second semester of my sophomore year started up ( we were together almost 2 years at this point), something life changing happened. I herniated a disk in the lumbar region of my back. The pain was sciatic. Worst pain of my life. I endured this pain for 6 months until I had surgery. During these 6 months, I became embarrassed of my walking form and stature (leaned to one side heavily due to the pain), somewhat antisocial, didn't sleep well due to pain, and lost motivation for a lot of things. I believe I became depressed at this time. She was so caring during this time. She spent a lot of time with me (we had a lot of sex too) She was my angel through these dark times. I spent significantly less time with friends during this period. After surgery she and I were hopeful that I'd turn back to my normal self. But I never did fully. The pain was gone but the depression lingered. And I never really talked about my depression to anyone until recently (I haven’t seen a doctor yet either, I plan to now soon though). My motivation for doing things I once enjoyed has been greatly diminished. Things like going out, the frequency at which I did special things for her, listening to conversation. We were still happy, but I think this is where the relationship started going downhill.

 

We still saw each other and talked to each other frequently. We still enjoyed each others company. We still went out and did things, just not as often. We would hang out at each others house more than going out and doing things. 2 years rolled by fast (so 4 years together at this point). I have still had a lack of motivation to do things I once used to enjoy. I have an overall feeling that I can't be normal and just love life. I've spent more time with her than I do with my friends. She noticed this and has tried to let me know I should go out more. Also during these past 2 years, she would drop hints about the things she likes for me to do that I didn’t do much anymore like take care of my appearance (shaving, getting a haircut, exercising [i consider us both attractive looking people]), going out more, and basically things that I used to do before I hurt my back. I paid attention to some of her hints but I never really had the motivation to tackle these problems until recently. I would let her know I noticed she showed less affection for me, and that she texted and called me less than before and that I wanted these things.

 

4 weeks ago I went on a trip to Miami with some friends just to have some fun. But right before she told me this might be a good thing because all

 

I think she lost hope in us. Hope for me in particular. I have yet to come out of this funk that I think is depression. 4 weeks ago I went on a week trip to Miami with some friends just to have some fun. But right before she told me this might be a good thing because all she might need is some space. I was torn by this and we had a long talk about things I’ll mention in a little bit. The next day she took me to the airport and we were as happy as can be. I felt like everything was going to be ok. But while I was in Miami she never bothered to contact me.

A little over 3 weeks ago we had a talk in the parking lot of our first date (I chose this place to talk, I knew a break up was imminent). We talked and she told me she was confused with her feelings. She said she loved me but wasn’t as attracted to me(but still found me attractive), that she didn’t have the strong desire for me anymore, that she has been trouble finding herself (she is still undecided in her major, only takes a class or 2 at a time while working as a waitress, while I have just recently graduated college with a degree in biochemistry and am going to apply to grad school), and that her wanting for me was on and off. She said she had been feeling this way for the past year. I told her that I was ready to change and get serious about handling my depression (I don’t know if I am really depressed but that’s what I’m calling it). She wished that we had the conversation sooner. The “hints” she dropped occasionally were enough in her mind, but this was the first time we had a serious talk about our wants and needs. She never brought any of this up before and expected things to just work themselves out. I let her know that communication is key for us to work. She was so torn within herself. She didn’t know what she wanted. There is not another guy in the picture.

 

She broke up with me and I got out of the car in the parking lot and drove away. I turned around shortly after to ask her if this was what she really wanted. She cried said “I am so sorry or putting you through this” and that she wanted to try to work things out based on the things we said we were going to change. During the next 2 weeks, I tried to special things for her (give her hand picked flower, leave notes for her), I was a more fun person to be around with (or so I thought) because I had begun talking with my family and close friends about my problems with depression. We has some really great days together but we also still talked about what was going on. I feel she didn’t try to work on us. She still didn’t show as much affection physically and emotionally. She said that she really wanted us to work and be happy together but I feel she wasn’t trying. Or maybe I was trying too hard. During the past 2 weeks of trying to work on our relationship I insisted on hanging out and talking.

 

Anyway 5 days ago she broke up with me again. Telling me she loves me but is unhappy. And she’s unhappy that she’s making me unhappy and breaking my heart. She said she wanted so badly for us to work and to be happy together but the feeling of attraction and desire for me hasn’t been there consistently for a long while. She said she’s been confused with her feelings for me because one day she thinks I’m amazing and the next day she has no desire for me. I told her things like “ I thought we’d be together for ever” and “I thought you were the one I’d marry.” I think I should have given her more space now looking back. I know my short comings now and want to make it clear that I want to change back to the way I used to be before my surgery (working on my depression, being more outgoing, etc.) and that I am really going to take action and make moves now. I never agreed that space I what we needed but maybe it is. I am less heartbroken now and have more of a longing feeling for her. When she broke up with me 5 days ago, the last thing that she said to me before I walked out the door was “I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life.” These words have been resonating within me these past 5 days and I cannot get her out of my mind. Those words hold some much weight. I know how indecisive she is with just about everything.

 

I have not tried contacting her nor has she. I really want to set up a meet and talk to her about everything one last time. I feel I cannot move on having this possible false sense of hope due to the last words she said to me. She said she just wants to be happy. I want her to be happy too. I want to talk to her so that we can either reconcile or we can move on. I don’t want her to feel guilty about the break up and I want to stop thinking about her possibly coming back. I have read the forums about “the grass Is always greener syndrome” but only certain aspects about the break up match up with this. For example she is not interested in anyone else, she is not the sexual crazy type, She just wants to be happy, and me to be a happy person again, but I think she got tired of dealing with me not taking care of my mental well being. I became too dependent on her and I think she felt it and I realize that now. I realize the importance of having some space (and respecting her space if she wants that), being independent, that I should not be depending on others for happiness and find my own happiness (I used to be this way before, I used to simply not have a care in the world about people judgments and approval, and I’m headed towards being that way again), I need to her to know these things.

 

Should I try to talk to her?

Should I continue with not contacting her?

I love her. I want to be with her. I know she loves me too but that she is confused.

I don’t know what I should do. I want to contact her, but after reading the forums I am reading that I shouldn’t in most cases.

 

Help

[strengthinpain]

Too late, I texted hersomething along these lines:

 

[The way she broke up with me by just saying "its over" was a pretty brutal way to end a 4 and a half year relationship. And the last words she said to me "I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life" hold a lot of weight. I just want to tell you what I have been thinking in retrospect and hear your thoughts on the matter, preferably in person.]

 

She said she would call me later tonight. Well what do you know...She just did. she is on ther way to my house so we can talk.

[Floored]

End well, this will not.

 

/tissues set to standby

[LostOne1]

I think is the time you need no contact..... to tell if she really will miss you or wants you.

 

That's how my ex feels.. confused and not sure of her feelings anymore.

[Phanpooh]

I was in ur shoes last year, and now im just perfect. Believe me or not, it's over and u can't do anything for her, it's too soon, not late.

My ex for 2y just like urs, dated me but still young and keep attention from other, they stick in relationship cause they dun know what will happen outside. And as long as they r with u, they feel lack of sth, basicly, that is GIGS. So when they think they r ready, just dump u and go out there, enjoy their YOLO . After time, when they r sure they lost u, they will comeback to check-up. And for all of what happen, i dun believe that they "loved" us.

[strengthinpain]

I knew the pain was coming. I was hoping for some fairy tale ending but damn I knew.

 

So she came over and we were talking in my room about what we had done in the past 5 days since the break up. We laughed, we smiled, we had good conversation and were having a good time. Then I brought up what I had originally wanted to talk to her for. I talked about how I had realized my short comings. I apologized to her for not respecting her space when she wanted it and for being to dependent on her for my happiness. I told her that I was going to change back to normal and really try to come out this depression and that I was already making progress. She told me she noticed this progress too.

 

Then we begun talking about the night of the break up. She said she felt sad and empty that night. She had hardly been home because she has been hanging out with her friends, but she said that during the times that shes not keeping busy, she feels that empty feeling again. Then she said that shes actually been happy the past 2 days and also sort of relieved that she didn't feel bad or sad anymore, basically that she didn't have to deal with pain and stress that she felt when trying to work things out. The fact that she was fine really hurt me. I have been thinking about her every hour and have been miserable at work, and even with friends. I have had 2 good days in the past 5 days, but even then, I was thinking of her. I told her if she wanted to know what I thought was going on in her head. I said that she got tired of dealing with my depression/ lack of motivation, that she was scared of the future in terms of where it will take us career wise, as well as scared to make big compromises. She said I was right, but that at the same time she was scared that she could be making the wrong decision about us in the long term.

 

She said she wanted to be single and focus on herself. She wanted things to work out but she never really wanted to try. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone nor does want to "whore around" as she put it. She is not the type to do that sort of thing. I believe her. She said she had been crying and thinking about how I was never going to change and breaking up for the past 2 months and so she said she kind of cried all her emotions out. She said she was so used to the way I was (lack of motivation to do anything, depression) that she thought I wasn't going to change. She never spoke to me about anything. I think she bottled up everything she was feeling which led her to break up with me.

 

She told me she cares about me, and she loves me. But that she doesn't want to be with me [right now]. She said she thinks this is the right thing for her to do but that shes scared that it might not be in the long term. I told her that I love her and I want her to be happy, whether it is with me or without me.

 

I walked her to her car, as we walked I asked her to tell me that she didn't love me and she didn't want to be with me. After some hesitation, she told me "I care about you but I don't want to be with you." We got to her car and she sat in it while I stood at the open door for a while. I was just kinda saying the same things in denial for a bit, like "you really think you can't be happy with me?" (to which she responded idk), or "you really don't want to be with me?" (to which she responded that she already answered that). She asked me what did I expect, I said I idk, a fairy tale ending I guess.

 

I asked if I could take a seat and did so. Then I apologized again for not respecting her space and for being so dependent on her. I then began thanking her for a variety of things as they came to mind (long pauses in between each thank you): "thank you for always being there for me, especially when I was in pain for 6 months, thank you for being motivational and inspirational to me, thank you for all the great times, thank you for showing me what real love feels like (I have been in 2 other long term relationships before, one of 2.5 years, another of 1 year)."

 

Somewhere during this I began to tear up and she began to cry. After the last thank you about real love, I could hold it no longer, nor could she, we began to really cry really hard and embraced one another. We sat there crying on one another while holding each other for what seemed like 20 minutes. I cherished every last second of it, because I knew it might very well be that last time I would get to hold her that way. She said she wishes she could give me the fairy tale ending that I wanted and that she was sorry that she never tried to work on the relationship these past 2 weeks even though she said she would and also sorry for not communicating with me about these feeling of lost hope for me (had she done so I believe I would have really been motivated to get out of this depressed rut sooner). I held her, she held me back. We looked into each others eyes, I told her I just wanted for her to be happy. Then I told her that I really truly love her. She said she loved me too. We held each other for a few more moments, then i let go, kissed her on the forehead, and told her goodbye as I got out of the driver seat. I shut the door, told her to drive safe, and walked towards my door without looking back ( a good 20 second walk). She didn't start her car until I got to my door, then I when inside and she drove away.

 

I know I probably shouldn't have contacted her but I really needed this because now I don't have that false hope of getting back together soon. The last words she said when she broke up with me, " I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life," held a lot of weight. I needed to hear her say that she didn't want to be with me and mean it.

 

I am completely heart broken. Is it really over? 4.5 years gone? Is there a chance for reconciliation? It is going to be so hard to get over her. We share the majority of our friends. I know I have to move on but it is so hard to accept what has happened after everything we have been through together.

 

Anyone else experience something like this? Any tips on getting her back? Any tips on coping?

 

I'd also like to hear from anyone that has experienced this sort of thing from her side.

Any words will help.

Thanks for the replies

[KMC1990]

I was with my boyfriend for 4.5 years too, straight out of highschool, and I'm also 22 years old. We broke up almost four weeks ago for similar reasons. He told me he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore, and just didn't feel the same way about me. He said he still loves me and cares for me deeply but the relationship just wasn't working out. It hurts, and it's especially hard to move on after so many years. After we first broke up, the first week I was a mess fighting with myself over texting/calling him...but I never did. And I feel okay about that. I think what you really need is NC. I know that sounds daunting. To me, not talking to him or seeing him was a scary thought. Now, four weeks later, I feel proud of myself for not giving in. I still love him of course, and I miss him like crazy, but the feelings of desperately wanting to contact him and get back with him have lessened significantly from the first week after the break-up. I have a clear head and see that our relationship was going nowhere and sometimes these things happen when people get together when they're 17 and stay together until they're in their early 20's - a lot can change. It hasn't been easy, and I still get upset of course. But NC will do you so much good. It's what you need to help yourself and your relationship with the person (even if that relationship will not be a romantic one again).

[moonsugar]

I had a really similar situation after the break-up, where I was the one completely confused and lost and wishing for that fairy-tale ending.

There is nothing more that you can do right now, as hard as it is.

I found this quote and it helps me a lot:

 

"At some point you will realize you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line from determination and desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be"

[Chi townD]

Dude, the reason why she said that the last couple of days have been great for her and that she has no stress in her life and is having fun is because she checked out of the relationship a long time ago. She just forgot to tell you. SHe's already mourned the loss of the relationship, and now she's done. Now, that she's pulled the trigger, you're in mourning and feeling terrible while she feels great. Oh, and the thing with her telling you that she doesn't want to date and isn't going to be "whoring around" was for your benefit. Chances are, in a few weeks, her friends are going to set her up on dates and she's going to be giving out her number to guys at the club. So, don't buy what she was trying to sell you. Remember, she already mourned the loss of your relationship, she's good to go and probably won't feel guilty about dating other guys now.

 

Now, that she made the decision to have you out of her life, you need to go no contact, don't respond to texts or e-mails. Ignore them. Don't answer her phonecalls; let them go to voicemail. Block her from your Facebook. This is very important. Remember, she valued clubbing and her friends over you. You are NOT her friend. You didn't get into a loving and caring relationship to be nothing more than "really good friends" at the end. remember, she made this choice, you didn't. Now, she has to live with the consquences of her choices.

[strengthinpain]

I had a really similar situation after the break-up, where I was the one completely confused and lost and wishing for that fairy-tale ending.

There is nothing more that you can do right now, as hard as it is.

I found this quote and it helps me a lot:

 

"At some point you will realize you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line from determination and desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be"

 

That is a great quote moonsugar. Thanks for that

[strengthinpain]

Dude, the reason why she said that the last couple of days have been great for her and that she has no stress in her life and is having fun is because she checked out of the relationship a long time ago. She just forgot to tell you. SHe's already mourned the loss of the relationship, and now she's done. Now, that she's pulled the trigger, you're in mourning and feeling terrible while she feels great.

 

Yea I agree with you there. She had told me that she had been torn and crying about these things 2 months prior. Wish she would have talked to me as soon as it started.

 

Oh, and the thing with her telling you that she doesn't want to date and isn't going to be "whoring around" was for your benefit. Chances are, in a few weeks, her friends are going to set her up on dates and she's going to be giving out her number to guys at the club. So, don't buy what she was trying to sell you. Remember, she already mourned the loss of your relationship, she's good to go and probably won't feel guilty about dating other guys now.

 

Thanks this is exactly what I want to hear. NOT! I know she is not the type to hook up at a club. She has class. Just let me believe this for my own sanity.

 

Now, that she made the decision to have you out of her life, you need to go no contact, don't respond to texts or e-mails. Ignore them. Don't answer her phonecalls; let them go to voicemail. Block her from your Facebook. This is very important. Remember, she valued clubbing and her friends over you. You are NOT her friend. You didn't get into a loving and caring relationship to be nothing more than "really good friends" at the end. remember, she made this choice, you didn't. Now, she has to live with the consquences of her choices.

 

I do plan on going no contact. However we hang out with the same group of friends so it is going to be very tough. If I go to an event where I'll know she'll be there I gotta fake being alright. right?

[strengthinpain]

I was with my boyfriend for 4.5 years too, straight out of highschool, and I'm also 22 years old. We broke up almost four weeks ago for similar reasons. He told me he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore, and just didn't feel the same way about me. He said he still loves me and cares for me deeply but the relationship just wasn't working out. It hurts, and it's especially hard to move on after so many years. After we first broke up, the first week I was a mess fighting with myself over texting/calling him...but I never did. And I feel okay about that. I think what you really need is NC. I know that sounds daunting. To me, not talking to him or seeing him was a scary thought. Now, four weeks later, I feel proud of myself for not giving in. I still love him of course, and I miss him like crazy, but the feelings of desperately wanting to contact him and get back with him have lessened significantly from the first week after the break-up. I have a clear head and see that our relationship was going nowhere and sometimes these things happen when people get together when they're 17 and stay together until they're in their early 20's - a lot can change. It hasn't been easy, and I still get upset of course. But NC will do you so much good. It's what you need to help yourself and your relationship with the person (even if that relationship will not be a romantic one again).

 

Thanks KMC. It is always good to hear that I am not the only one in the world experiencing this. I plan to go NC. I just needed to talk to her one last time last night because of the "I feel like I could be making the biggest mistake of my life" that she told me. I was starting to feel better but at at the time that I texted her I felt like I was having a panic attack. Now I have to start the process all over again. The hard part is going to be seeing her when there are events that our friends plan.