What should I do?

[blueeyes202004]

I have been friends with this guy for 6 months now, at first we only talked online but decided we would take our friendship to the phone. We talked for a couple of weeks for sometimes up to 5 hours a day and really got to know eachother. Our conversations were very intellectual and never boring. Finally, one night I mentioned a moving coming out that I would like to see and he said that if I wanted to he would take me to see it sometime. After pondering on it for a few days I told him yes that I would go. I felt like I knew him good enough to take our friendship to the next step. We had a great time and the chemistry I felt between us when I first saw him was amazing. It was as if I had knew him for years.

 

 

Anyways, as of this past Sunday we have been out a total of four times, twice to the movies, dinner and a park, then twice to his house. I am 20 and he is 35 and the age doesn't bother either of us. I have always been a very mature person, mostly due to the fact that I grew up around older people. I feel so comfortable around him and I feel like I can be myself and not get laughed at or put down. We've decided from the beginning to just be friends for a while and eventually when the time is right we will move on to more. However, we have done sexual things, not actual intercourse, but everything else. He treats me SO good, always buys me dinner and pays for everything. He has wonderful manners. I love spending time with him. The only day we get to see eachother is on Sundays because he works 6 days a week. Which is great to me....gives me something to look forward to. Our "in common" list is HUGE, certain things I have very awkward views and beliefs about and I always thought that there was no way anyone could ever think the same way I do, but he does. I feel like we were meant for eachother. BUT the thing is, I don't know if that's how he feels......I'm pretty sure that he has deeper feelings for me then friends, but I just don't know.

 

 

When I look into his eyes I can feel a strong connection. Everytime he kisses me I feel the same exact way I did the first time he kissed me. Today while laying in his bed cuddling he said "isn't it great having a friend with benefits," I'll admit it is, but I feel like I'm ready to move on and start a relationship, but I don't want to rush him into anything and I want to make sure that I don't rush into anything. I mean is it too early to know how I truly feel about someone? I've been in a very bad relationship and learned to take my time and make sure that what I feel is real and not just an infatuation, and I feel that I really do care a LOT about him. I'm not going to say I "love" him because I think that love is something that should grow and I can deffinately feel it starting to grow. I know it's wrong to have friends with benefits and usually it means the guy is just using the girl....but he is so different.....he is always talking about doing things to me and always puts himself last and today I had to make him let me please him lol.

 

 

So, I'm not worried about getting used, to a certain extent anyways, due to my past relationship I am very cautious and probably will always be. Ughhh! I'm so confused. About how long should I wait before I tell him how I feel, I don't necessarily mean that I love him, but the deep feelings that I do have for him.....I don't want to scare him off by telling him too early. I'm so scared of screwing up and losing him, I've never had a guy to treat me as nice as he does. Hes is always touching me and looking at me and tells me constantly that I am "cute" and "beautiful".....he makes me feel wonderful about myself. and I won't even mention how much he makes me laugh, I've NEVER laughed so much in my life as I do when I'm talking to him. This past Sunday I spent the day with him at his house, we passed 2 hours by cuddling, holding eachother, kissing all over eachother's faces, rubbing backs and just staring in deep concentration at eachother, we both agreed that the cuddling was the best part of the day, and the fact that it was pouring the rain made everything perfect. It truly was a dream come true. It's like we didn't even have to speak to know what the other was thinking, when I look into his eyes I can feel something that I've never felt before, I can't resist his brown eyes, they melt me. He says things that kinda hint that he wants to be more, but I just don't want to read too far into it. For example: the other night I said something that embarrassed me SO bad lol, he mentions it to tease me and I hide my face and laugh lol.....he said "20 years down the road I believe that even if we aren't married I could mention that to you and youd still laugh" ......to me that kinda means that he's thought about us being more then friends, I dont necessarily mean marriage but moving to the next level. But....knowing me, I'm probably reading too far into it. I wish I could just find a way to not come straight and ask him where he thinks we're going but to kinda hint around at the question.....I've rattled my brain trying to think of what to do but I just can't come up with anything, I've never been the type of person to make the move on things like this so, I'm really stuck in a rut!

 

 

I had a discussion with him this morning and it's left me confused lol, (which is nothing unusual for me, seems like I stay confused lol) anyways I was wondering if maybe you could give me some advice on what he means, I don't know whether to take it as a good thing or bad.........

 

 

Me: I think that's the one thing that I like more then anything, the fact that you didn't rush us having sex, I mean you've had two chances the past two sundays and you didn't act upon them, I mean I'm not saying I wasn't ready because I was lol, especially this past sunday, but that was so sweet, I didn't feel like all you wanted was sex

 

 

Him: well maybe im just weird, im not sure, i just like taking things step by step and not rushing them.. i mean like we started off with kissing and touching only for our first few dates, then things heated up alot more when u came here the last 2 times, we moved to oral, and maybe this sunday, or VERY soon, we will go all the way.. i just dont see any need to rush something, let it happen naturally

 

 

Me: oh you're not weird at all lol, I love the fact that you feel that way about it, it was just really nice to not be treated like a sex object for once......when it happens it will happen and I'm sure it will be better then if we had jumped right into it

 

 

Him: well i told u from the beginning that i wasnt ready for a gf, but i would never treat u like a sex object, i consider u one of my very closest friends, and we get along better in person than i ever thought we would, its just amazing how well we click

 

 

 

*sighs* I'm willing to accept the fact that he isn't ready for a gf yet and I'm willing to wait, but gosh I'd hate to wait and then find out that I'm not what he considers gf material, I know for a fact that he likes pretty much everything about me, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I feel like screaming lol, he said that it's amazing at how well we click, I don't know whether to take that as a hint that someday we will be more or what. Ughh! I wish I could stop stressing over this so much, I was doing good until that conversation this morning lol. What's your opinion?

[uriel]

Um -- this is not a confusing situation. Your feelings for this guy are keeping you from seeing the obvious. This guy doesn't want a commitment -- certainly not right now, maybe not ever. Of this we can be certain. Also, we know for certain that you haven't socked him so hard with love feelings that you've made him change his mind, either.

 

He likes you. He enjoys the sex. But, you're not going to be his girlfriend. There's no use in waiting once a guy tells you that. He's clearly communicated that you're his friend, with benefits. He wants to be absolved of responsibility for more -- once he's told you what's what, he expects you to play along -- NO STRINGS ATTACHED. He's waiting on the sex not because he's a nice guy but because he wants to see how well you can handle that level of NONcommitment without wigging out and wanting more.

 

If you can handle it, he'll keep doing you and hanging out with you into the foreseeable -- until he meets someone who flips him upside down (in which case he'll pursue her) or you get too clingy (in which case he'll see other women, get mysterious, and avoid you).

 

If you want to be girlfriend material, act like it. No relationship, no sex. If you are fine with having sex with a male friend for mutual satisfaction with no monogamy or emotional intimacy (at least not in a romantic sense), then keep going as is.

 

Because you say you are worried about being used and because your feelings are already strong, I think it's likely you want a commitment -- at least at the girlfriend level. If that's the case, stop fooling around with this guy. He's already clearly told you how far he's willing to go emotionally.

 

When someone shows you who they are -- and they will -- believe them, the first time. (Oprah)

 

-- uriel