I don't know what to do, please help!

[cuddlebug20]

By the way.....(don't know whether I'm allowed to ask you this or not so don't worry if you don't want to answer) but I'm curious........what signs of the Zodiac are the 2 of you?

 

I'm an aries and he is a scorpio...I'm not sure if that's a good match or not. I hadn't really thought about looking it up. But I guess I'll do that now

[clia]

Hmmm...so let me see if I have this straight:

 

1) You call him in the morning

 

2) You call him in the evening

 

3) You drive to his house on Sundays

 

4) He won't even get you a pop when you are there

 

What exactly does he do for you? Does he ever call you? Does he take you out? Why can't you two go out on Saturday nights?

[HoldOn]

You're right clia. She is putting in all the effort and he does bubkis in return.

 

I mean, my bf would do much more than get a pop for me. He is constantly thinking of little ways to make me happy!

[themist2]

cuddlebug,

 

I am in a similar situation as you and you have helped me (TheMist) out a bit. Let me just add that my situation being FWB with my friend's ex. We are now both in a state of confusion--and we have been friends for about three to four years. We both tried to be cautious of the situation but it is still tough.

 

The red flags that HoldOn mentioned are valid. No matter how careful you are, or how much you try to rationalize the situation, you can still get hurt. If he has a FWB relationship with you right now, chances he wants more are slim. What is stopping him??? As soon as I started the FWB relationship with my friend, I decided that she is the type of girl I would have a relationship with.

 

I would love to have a more serious relationship with my FWB right now, and I feel that she does too. However, the fact that I am caught between my best friend and her ARE already making things tough. Therefore, since I respect her, I would end the FWB relationship just to be her friend and not lose the friendship we have developed over the last few years.

 

By your posts, it sounds as if you are not completely happy with being FWB with this guy. If he doesn't want more at this point, then you should stop it before you end up getting hurt.

 

My situation with my FWB/friend is in doubt now. So, we see each other less and talk less for now. Hopefully, we can regain the friendship that we had instead of letting sex get in the way. She and I are still planning on getting together to talk about the situation.

 

I suggest you do the same. You need to have a serious talk with this guy about what is going on. He should at least do that for you.

 

Take Care Cuddle

 

The Mist aka The Mist 2

[clia]

A few more comments:

 

We've decided from the beginning to just be friends for a while and eventually when the time is right we will move on to more. However, we have done sexual things, not actual intercourse, but everything else.

 

Friends don’t do sexual things. While it’s really nice that you “decided” to just be friends for awhile, that’s not what you are doing. As he said, you are “friends with benefits.” In my humble opinion, he is not interested in more than that. You’ve been talking for six months – that’s well enough time to decide whether or not to take it to the next level. This is only buttressed by his statements about the two of you being “friends with benefits” and that he “wasn’t ready for a gf.”

 

He treats me SO good, always buys me dinner and pays for everything. He has wonderful manners.

 

He’d have nicer manners if he came out to your house once in awhile.

 

The only day we get to see eachother is on Sundays because he works 6 days a week.

 

You know, here’s the thing. Most people work a five day week, yet they can still manage to see eachother on days that aren’t their days off. Furthermore, he has no commute to work and he doesn’t even start until 10 a.m. So, it’s just baffling to me that the only day he can see you is on Sundays, and then you are the one driving to him. Please stop making excuses and look at this objectively. If he was really that into you, don’t you think he’d manage to see you during the week? Don’t you think he’d deal with driving at night in order to see you?

 

So you live 45 minutes away? Is there a midway point where you could meet him for dinner during the week, where you’d each drive about 20 minutes?

 

Him: well maybe im just weird, im not sure, i just like taking things step by step and not rushing them.. i mean like we started off with kissing and touching only for our first few dates, then things heated up alot more when u came here the last 2 times, we moved to oral, and maybe this sunday, or VERY soon, we will go all the way.. i just dont see any need to rush something, let it happen naturally

 

I’d say oral sex by date 2 or 3 is rushing things.

 

Eventually I will be able to go and see him during the weekdays, due to the fact that he lives about 10 mins. from my ex bf my parents don't feel safe with me driving there by myself yet.

 

Eventually you will be able to make more effort while he sits on his butt and waits for you to come over and give him a blow job. (Sorry to be harsh, but that’s what it seems like.)

[cuddlebug20]

3) You drive to his house on Sundays

He's came and picked me up every Sunday we've went out....my parents won't let me drive to his house yet.

 

I suggest you do the same. You need to have a serious talk with this guy about what is going on.

I was going to yesterday, but, our plans got changed.....I would do it on the phone but I feel that it would be much better in person.

 

He’d have nicer manners if he came out to your house once in awhile.

He's been here four times and had very nice conversations with my parents.

 

So you live 45 minutes away? Is there a midway point where you could meet him for dinner during the week, where you’d each drive about 20 minutes?

 

Nope there isn't, it's hard to explain....we live in eastern ky and well for him to get here he can either go out of the way an hour or he can cross a few mountains and there really isn't any places to meet and have dinner, yeah we could meet but we'd have to sit in a vehicle lol.

[clia]

Well then, I stand corrected!

[havNfun]

I am going to go along with the "married" vote here too. My intuition tells me either married or perhaps something worse.

 

but, perhaps not so don't throw away a good man on a hunch. Also, don't surprise him though, - I have heard of a few unpleasant happenings from that very same thing. Ask him lots of very direct specific questions. ..

 

Good luck with it though, and I really hope it works out for the bets.

let us know what happends?

[havNfun]

very very good points CLIA by the way. every one of them. you sound very reasonable.

[cuddlebug20]

I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I have just about decided that he is deffinately the type that needs a little push, I can sense that he does care a LOT about me, I watched how he acts with me closely Sunday and I can see it in his eyes, they light up around me, and when I give him a compliment or smile at him his cheecks become flushed and his eyes brighten. So..I feel much better and I'm enjoying it, I'm not worrying about the whole "gf" thing anymore...I know he cares fo rme and that's really all that counts. I've been throwing hints like crazy at him this past week. Especially since Sunday. I thought that I loved him but Sunday verified it for me. I was worried that maybe it was just the sexual things taking over my mind but Sunday my clothes didn't come off and I still enjoyed the day. Probably even more lol. I think he's terrified of getting hurt. I've not asked him much about his past relationships yet, but I did find out something that was interesting....he was talking to a girl online a while back about a year and a half ago...actually the last girl he talked to until me and they had planned to meet and she kept telling him how much she loved him and this and that, they had talked a lot on the phone and he really thought that she liked him. The day came that they were going to meet and he got online to verify that the plans were still on....she wasnt there and so he didn't go and he kept emailing her and messaging her and she never did reply and her friend told him that she had lied to him the whole time, that she never did want to meet him. I know it shouldn't have hurt him too bad but I'm sure it was enough to keep him from being open about his feelings toward someone. So..I'm doing my best to let him see that I'm seroius about our relationship and that I DO want to start something serious and long-term with him.

 

 

 

 

Sunday we were cuddling on his bed and I started tickling him and he was laughing and said if you don't stop I'll start goosing you I said oh you couldn't catch me lol. I jumped on top of him real quick and started tickling him even more and he was begging me to stop but laughing as hard as he could at the same time. So I grabbed his arms and pushed them down on the bed, gently of course and I stared into his eyes for a long time. It was one of those heart to heart moments without having to speak, it was really special. While looking into my eyes he said "I swear I wish I had a camera right now, you look so cute, it's like you were meant to be there." I said "well maybe I was, ya never know and smiled at him real big" he said "maybe you were" and I just laid my head on his chest. After that I laid beside him and we were cuddling and just talking he was trying to make me blush, which isn't hard to do...for some reason he can say "BLUSH" and I blush lol. He whispered in my ear that I was beautiful and he said you wanna know what, I said what, he said you have a beautiful body you were born to be naked, he said and I don't mean that to be sexual, he said it's true you look great, you have natural beauty. So that deffinately made me blush I've NEVER been told that before. I'm not exactly a beauty queen and to have someone admire my body as much as he does it really makes me feel good. I'm pretty sure that he knows I love him. I mean it's so obvious the way I act and talk around him. I was rubbing his stomach Sunday and told him that I loved his chest hair, he had his eyes closed and I was staring at his face, I do it all the time lol I can't resist looking at him every chance I can. He opened his eyes and said what? I said nothing he said why ya staring at me you have to be thinking something I said nothing I just like to look at you and I said does it bother you he said no I just cant figure out why you like my body so much. He's a very handsome man and I wish he could see that about himself. It took everything in me to keep from telling him "I love you" Sunday....I was really feeling it. It wasn't sexual feelings either. My heart was melting and aching. I can't seem to get close enough to him, I wanna feel him surrounding me...I feel so safe with him, like nothing could hurt me when I'm with him, it's been a LONG time since I've felt like that.

 

 

 

 

All in all I'm doing pretty good. I've been enjoying myself and getting to know more and more about him. It's wonderful, I can't believe I had been stressing so much over something so stupid when all I had to do was open my eyes and see that he does care about me, he's just taking his time. I know that I could be wrong but I'm also willing to accept that if it comes up. At least I can say I had fun and life is way too short to always think about tomorrow. For once...things in my life are starting look up!

[HoldOn]

I'm not worrying about the whole "gf" thing anymore...I know he cares fo rme and that's really all that counts.

 

Maybe what should count is having a fair relationship. How is this fair? He gets everything he wants... You in his bed all day. And what do you get? A one-day a week guy-who-is-not-your-boyfriend.

 

Cuddlebug, it's good to hear that you're having a good time with your guy. But I must warn you to PLEASE guard your heart. Your non-boyfriend has come right out and told you he doesn't want a relationship. No matter what you "see in his eyes", you must listen to the words that come out of his mouth.

 

From your writing, it seems that all you do is hang out in bed all day on Sundays. This isn't a real relationship... It's like a fantasy-land fairy tale.

 

Yes, he says a lot of sweet things...I have heard the same from my ex-boyfriends, it just means he is infatuated (perhaps only with your body). It does not mean he is in loooooove with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

I have just about decided that he is deffinately the type that needs a little push,

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to "push" for everything?

 

I'm sorry to be so negative! I know this is your life and everything. I just want you to keep a good head on your shoulders. Good luck!

[cuddlebug20]

Maybe what should count is having a fair relationship. How is this fair? He gets everything he wants... You in his bed all day. And what do you get? A one-day a week guy-who-is-not-your-boyfriend.

As bad as it hurts to...but it's the truth, I want to tell him how I feel about things like that also but I'm too shy. I never have been able to tell someone how I feel easily, it's like pulling every tooth in my head out one by one.

 

 

"No matter what you "see in his eyes", you must listen to the words that come out of his mouth." The words came from his mouth but I seriously don't think he meant them....I mean the way he talks it's like he already has plans for us being together, he mentions how he's going to teach my little nephew things such as how to work on computers and things of that sort and he's only 18 months old right now so...he must be thinking about something. I dated a player and I dated an abuser, he's not like either one of them, I've even been "f*** buddies" with a 32 year old man when I was 18 and he's not like him either. He doesn't just talk about sex we talk about everything, the past two nights we've talked on the phone and nothing sexual ever came up. I hope I don't sound rude but it's so confusing, because I feel the same way about the things you have mentioned but then again theres all of this other stuff. It's confusing!

 

 

 

"From your writing, it seems that all you do is hang out in bed all day on Sundays. This isn't a real relationship... It's like a fantasy-land fairy tale." So far that is pretty much what we've done the past three Sundays....the first two we went to a movie, dinner and a park. We've made plans to go to a few places but we've not gotten the chance to go yet. It's either been so humid you can't breathe outside, our storming really bad. The fact that I can't drive to his house puts a strain on everything and it's bugging me so bad I can't stand it. but....I respect my parents and don't want to go against them or cause any troubles between me and them.

 

 

 

We have great communication except on stuff like this....I just can't find the nerve to come out and ask him about anything. I've thought about writing him an email and explaining what's going on in my head, the things that are bothering me about the relationship we have and how I care about him. But then it scares the crap out of me that I'll never hear from him again, which I don't want. Because if he doesn't want anything more then I'll just have to stop doing anything with him because it's killing me. He keeps telling me that he only does things like that with someone he cares a lot about and I don't know if I should take that as a hint or not. He's constantly throwing hints but then again, I could be reading them wrong. My best plan of action is to come out and talk to him about it but I don't know how to bring up the conversation. I could talk for hours at a time because that is something that I LOVE to do but, when it's something like this I have a hard time getting started.

 

 

 

I just want you to keep a good head on your shoulders.

I'm trying to lol

[HoldOn]

What can I say? I feel like you've decided to accept crumbs, rather than what you deserve....meaning a real relationship.

 

I don't think he's going to change, whether you write him an e-mail or not. If you are going to date a 35-year-old, at least find one who is grown up!

 

If you stay with him, your whole relationship will be like this. With you wondering what he is thinking, trying to figure out his clues... blah blah. Is this what you want?

 

I dated a player and I dated an abuser, he's not like either one of them,

 

Nope, he's a whole different type of player...

 

I just can't find the nerve to come out and ask him about anything....But then it scares the crap out of me that I'll never hear from him again, which I don't want.

 

If you feel this way....Not a sign of a healthy relationship.

[QTeesRUS]

I have been reading this whole thread and I also read the "love gestures" thread posted. I usually don't bother to read long threads but I can't help it, this is like a soap opera! I wasn't going to say anything but now it's completely out hand. I don't know why I am bothering because you (cuddlebug20) haven't listened to anything that anyone else has said but, here goes:

 

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!!!

 

I know you think he cares about you, and I'm sure that he actually does, but that is not the same thing. He loves spending time with you because he gets everyhting he wants while not having to give anything of himself. He says he's not ready for a relationship. That means:

 

He's not ready for a relationship WITH YOU!!!

 

You are rationalizing your own behavior by imagining you can "see it in his eyes". To paraphrase the Supremes (or maybe it was Martha and the Vandellas) " Is it in his arms--oh no, don't you believe, Is it in his eyes--oh no, you'll be deceived. If you want to know if he loves you so", it's in his lips-- and he's telling you!!

 

He's already said he doesn't want more. There is no reason in the world why someone would lie about that.

 

Suck it up and ask him outright. You have to confront it. I know you're afraid of losing him, but if he doesn't want more, you can't make him and you'll eventually lose him anyway. If there is a chance for a more substantial relationship, then you won't lose him by asking. But if there's not, then what are you really losing? Your pride and some good times, but that is not more important than your self esteem and your heart.