First FWB-any thoughts?

[Regrets58]

Started seeing someone 3 months ago.

Soon developed into a physical relationship but both of us holding

back a little.She out of a 28yr marriage which ended when her ex left her for

another woman.Me still struggling with a confusing relationship end,where I

still have feelings for my ex.

Have always felt sex = proper relationship and started to raise issue of where

relationship going/what we are to each other.

Had a long talk Saturday and would seem we are in a FWB situation.

She has told me to stop over analysing things and go with the flow.

Have to admit the situation suits me and she seems happy with it.

We are both 54 and have a lot of life experience,maybe it can work for us at

this stage in our lives?

[lovejoy41]

Hi Regrets,

 

I just walked away from a 5 year FWB relationship. I am 41. Here's the thing, having sex doesn't always equal a proper relationship especially in a fwb situation. In fwb's sex is just casual sex between two people. FWB's might also hangout for fun i.e. movies, dinner, drinks, etc. Usually a fwb relationship is two people enjoying each other's company and having casual sex but they are also free to date other people. If you are both ok with it and it works for you great, but I have to warn you about the consequences with this. Not judging but it already sounds shaky with the way you're both going into it. She's probably still damaged from what her ex did & you are not over your ex. In other words, you're both going into this with baggage/rebounding. That's not good. The whole "go with the flow" statement pretty much means let's just ride with it for now and whatever happens happens. And guess what, most of the time nothing happens.

 

Overtime you may begin to develop feelings for her & want the relationship to move to the next level especially if you're having sex, however don't be surprised if she doesn't. That's what happened to me. In most cases it's usually the woman who catches feelings first because of the emotional attachment that women develop when it comes to sex. He told me he didn't want a relationship initially and we were both ok with that. He was a divorcee and so was I. Fast fwd a few years later, after many dinners, movies, & time spent together I begin to develop feelings for him. I had even met a family member and two of his friends. He still tells me he doesn't want a relationship. This year after 5 yrs and 3 mos, I find out that he has a gf who's lived with him since 2011 and she just met his family this year.

 

I was crushed. He had hidden this relationship from me and was still seeing me but I should've known because I wasn't seeing him as much. After finding this out in July I walked away from him without telling him. I'm done. I won't be his option. He did attempt to text me on 8/3 and I deleted it and ignored him. I don't plan to see him anymore. Bottom line is if you think you can handle being let down should you catch feelings for her or can handle it if she tells you she's moving on to someone else fine. Or she may catch feelings for you and you may not feel the same and want to move on. It depends on you both. For me, it appears that he strung me along until he found what he really wanted and it wasn't me. Yet when I confronted him about her, he denies that he is in a committed relationship with her. smh IMO I haven't seen anything good come from these type of situations,especially the ones that go on for years. Someone always ends up hurt or walking away from the relationship. That's the catch about fwb's BUT it's ultimately your decision. This is just what I have experienced. Good luck

Edited August 20, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Regrets58]

Thanks for the cautionary tale Lovejoy,I am very sorry to hear what happened.

I am aware that sex in a FWB deal doesn't equal a proper relationship.

It was just what led me to ask the question,what are we to each other.

We have talked long and hard about this.What if either of us meets someone

else.What if it is a rebound thing for me and I drift away as I begin to heal.

My take on FWB is 2 single people,enjoying each others company with the

benefit of a sexual relationship.However with no expectation,or even a wish,

that things will go further. I think it is especially suited to people with the type

of baggage we have,rather than that being a disadvantage.

I am not expecting it to lead anywhere,if she is being honest neither is my friend.We have promised to tell each other if strong feelings develop.

We are having a lot of fun and hopefully neither of us will be hurt.

Time will tell but for us I see it as a transitory thing,rather than long term.

[lovejoy41]

Ok. My apologies regarding the "sex equals proper relationship" comment. I misunderstood you. Sounds to me like you both know what it is that you want from this. My question is, if you have both talked about all of this and agree, then why are you asking for thoughts about it on here? Sounds to me like you have doubts. A lot of people (including myself) go in it(FWB) with the intention of no one developing feelings but I have rarely seen a situation like this where no one's developed feelings for the other person, but that's just me.

 

It's hard to predict what will and won't happen with this. I never thought I would develop feelings for him. Just as no one can predict what can and can't happen in a regular relationship. I'm not a therapist by any means, but I disagree with using this to help you both get through your past bu's. The best way to get over that pain is to go through it. You have to allow yourself time to grieve the person you lost and allow yourself time to heal from it. That way you're better for the next person that comes along and you might even be able to recognize things about someone that doesn't allow you to be placed in a similar situation that causes you pain all over again. All that happens when you bring people in to alleviate that pain, is that you end up hurt more. That's not fair to you or to the other person you're involved with.

 

You may find yourself comparing that person to your ex or may end up missing them more esp when you start sleeping with another person. I know a guy on here that did that. He ended up back at square one after he'd dated and had sex with another woman. It made him miss his ex more. My point, dating another person doesn't always help you get over your ex. I myself had baggage and so did he. I think we were both looking for companionship to get over the loss of our spouses. End result, I fell for him and he is emotionally unavailable. Mainly because he still is in love with his ex. He won't admit it but I knew it because he talked about her a lot but yet I still stayed.

 

A few mos ago he told me that he had met his ex wife's new bf. Shortly after is when I heard about him taking his live in to meet his family. I could be wrong, but I think he only did that to make his ex jealous. He has kids with his ex and his ex still talks to his mother, so I'm sure info that he brought his gf there to meet her will get back to his ex. Bottom line is, like you(no pun intended) he's using other women to get him through that pain of not having his ex.

 

Truth is, I didn't expect it to be a long term thing either. But in the past, I couldn't ever find the right time to walk away and he never told me to go so I didn't. Months turned into years because neither of us wanted to let go,although I KNEW in my heart that I couldn't go on with someone who only wanted to be with me when it was convenient for them. It never started out this way. It started out great, just like it is right now for you. I never thought I would find out that my "FRIEND" would lie to me & that I would have to walk away from him for good. He also had always told me that he would be honest and that he would never string me along. So who would've known that he had a live-in gf? I'm not saying that this is what will happen to you because only God knows that, I'm just giving my thoughts on this as you asked. Also, if you want to read more about these types of situations(which by the way none of them turned out good), look under the "Friends and Lovers" forum, and scroll down and search back to last month and you'll find more posts about FWB. Matter of fact, you will find plenty under the "Breaks and Breakups" forum. Reading other posts about this has helped me through this a lot.

 

Regrets, you're a grown man. What works for some might not work for others. I don't want to be "Debbie Downer" and come across as if I'm trying to tell you what to do. If you think this will work for you, good because it's all about what makes you happy. You don't need anyone's thoughts and opinion for that, just go ahead and do it. I wish you the best & I really hope that it goes as you're expecting it to. Again, good luck.

Edited August 20, 2012 by lovejoy41

[oldshirt]

Most sexual mores and socially conditioned sexual "rules" are directed towards hormonal kids going through puberty that have out of control hormonal surges and don't have the life experience and wisdom to control themselves and advocate for their own best interests. They also don't often have as easy access to contraception and sexual health care and nor do they have the financial ability to support a child in the event of a pregnancy.

 

Hopefully none of things apply to you and your lady. You are both fully grown, self aware adults that know how the world works and are in touch with your own feelings and are able to advocate for your own self-interests. You have both had adult sexual lives before and hopefully know if someone is trying to BS you or manipulate you.

 

I am also assuming you are both financially independant and have health insurance and access to sexual healthcare.

 

So my bottomline here is you are both mature, consenting adults and you can do whatever you want as long as it is mutually consenting and safe and responsible.

 

You're not going to lose your phone and car priveleges and grounded after school for the next month if you get caught having sex at this stage of your life.

[Regrets58]

Thanks again Lovejoy,will just have to see how it goes.

Guess I just wanted thoughts/advice etc.

As you say the main drawback would be,if one of us

develops strong feelings.

Have promised we will be honest about this,and also about any

interest in other people.

It's a new one to both of us,but on the surface at least seems

to suit.

Will maybe post an update in a few months.

[lovejoy41]

Understood. I'm sorry if I came off negative. Forgive me for saying that you shouldn't be asking for thoughts. This is a forum and everyone has a right to post what they want. No one wants to come here being judged and being told what they should or shouldn't post. I guess it's just because I'm still hurt. I haven't seen him in about 1 1/2, haven't heard from him since 8/3 when he contacted me. I've grieved and now I think I'm somewhere between the angry and acceptance phase. The tears are far and few but they do still come as with anyone who really loved someone and have to let them go.

 

Oldshirt did have a point in saying that you are both mature and have life experiences so that could really be a good thing. You are both consenting adults. You may both recognize if it's working or if it's not and handle it maturely. Something my guy didn't do. He's 38, so I don't think he's there yet when it comes to maturity. That in addition to his deep-rooted issues probably won't ever allow him to be honest about things. He needs to mature, seek therapy, and love himself enough to want to change. Only then will this pattern of cheating and playing games with women stop. Until then he will continue cheating, lying, and destroying the hearts of good women. Ultimately he will regret it when he burns out and really wants to settle down with one woman. I personally don't think he will settle down with the gf who's been living with him because he's disrespecting her just as he did me by sleeping with other women (myself included "when he was") behind her back. One day she's going to get tired of accepting him pulling all-niters, wake up just as I did, & walk away. That's if she doesn't cheat on him first. smh Anyway, do keep us updated. We are all on here to give opinions and help.

Edited August 20, 2012 by lovejoy41