What do I do next?

[Lostnlonley]

There is a huge long story behind all this...but for the sake of brevity, I'll try to get to the point.

 

I was going through a long divorce, had nowhere to go and had to get on my feet (ex husband was sole provider) and we had to stay living together for a while during the divorce process. During this time I started dating a new, wonderful man. I love him with all my heart and want to spend my life with him. During this time I also continued to sleep with my ex husband. Lack of boundaries, plain and simple. He was an abusive man, but I made the choice to sleep with him when I could have said no. Huge, huge mistake. I thought it would go away, but it didn't. I admitted to my boyfriend last week all I had done, and he is devastated. He broke up with me. I now live on my own, but my ex husband is right down the road, and he is the father of my child, so its not like I can just cut off everything. I did send him a message that I want to completely cut off any and all contact other than pertaining to my child and her schedule. My heart changed a long time ago and I stopped sleeping with him in feb...except in June. It was the week before our divorce finalized and the week of our 5 year wedding anniversary. He pushed and I said no, several times, but finally gave in. I cried all night after that, but I didn't own up to what I had done to my boyfriend until last week.

 

He is very hurt and angry, but even still he loves me and says if I can change some things about myself and move away when my lease is up in Feb then we can rebuild.

 

Right now we are both still very in love with each other, and it's hard to know what to do next, where to go from here. We are both a little blinded by our love and immediate wants/needs of seeing and talking to each other, so neither of us knows what the right thing to do is now. No contact? What do we do? We both need to heal, and move on, but neither of us wants to "get over" each other. So it's a breakup, yes, but only in the best interest of our future. We both realize that getting back together now would not be the best thing since the wounds are so fresh. Please help!!!

[2sure]

Getting divorced is a traumatic experience, especially when you have kids.

 

Getting divorced while still living with your exH is very very difficult and confusing for everyone.

 

Why on earth your new guy thought it was a good idea to date someone dealing with those circumstances is a wonder to me.

 

Decide together to take a complete break so that you can have a do- over.

 

You should start when the divorce is well and truly behind you, you are more on your feet as far as independence , and your schedule and contact with your ex has been established with boundaries adhered to.

 

After all that, see WHO you are. Because under the circimstances...its likely you are not quite yourself .

[Lostnlonley]

Thank you for your kind reply. We have decided a break is in order, probably 6 months. Then we will reevaluate. And hopefully be back together to build a stronger, more authentic relationship. We have still been in contact, and I guess I wanted to hear from someone to tell me that's ok, but the more I think about it, the more I know myself I have to completely Cut contact with him. We are too addicted to each other...texting every day, etc. I can't move on and work on myself while constantly wishing I had more of him in my life and settling for scraps or any little thing he gives me. I think he took the chance with me because I was in love with him...he saw it, and he knew it was real...and it was, but, I made some mistakes. I don't fault him for it....if it weren't for him I wouldn't have had a guide to navigate through the divorce. He made me a better, stronger person. So, for 30 days, no contact. Then we may go on a date and re evaluate. I know he does not want to be back together until I can move away, my ex lives too close by. So in feb. my lease is up and I will move closer to him...which is also closer to school and work. Where do I draw the strength to enforce the no contact?

[Lostnlonley]

You had no business being in a relationship with your divorced being finalized. This is why women who claim to be separated, divorce pending a mediator, are still married and it is still considered cheating and major baggage. Not only did you cheat on your husband, you cheated on your boyfriend.

 

Your boyfriend obviously has no standards. I sure as hell wouldn't date a woman who still lived with her husband. You broke this guys trust. It seems like you can't keep your legs closed with your ex. You ex bf is going to have so to find a SINGLE woman with ZERO baggage who can be faithful to him. Keyword faithful.

 

I say this about women who are separated or divorced pending divorced, close one chapter in your life before opening another. Most are too impatient and needy.

 

So is there no room for me to learn and do better? It's very easy to judge a situation externally but until you are in it yourself and experience the circumstances you can't realize how cloudy vision becomes and how we all make mistakes under periods of critical stress. I well realize the mistakes that I made...not finishing one thing before beginning another. I am committed to doing better, learning from this and moving on. What advice can you offer ME? I don't need to know what my ex needs to do, he isn't here reading this thread.

[BetrayedH]

For the ease of my little pea brain, I'm going to try to look at this as if you hD simply cheated on your boyfriend (without the extra complications).

 

While your BF isn't a spouse, I recommend getting the book, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair. It's a short easy read and does a lot to set the stage for how you rebuild trust.

 

Typically going NC with your affair partner is an absolute must. Continued contact is a temptation for you and will drive your betrayed bf insane. Sadly, you chose someone with whom you must have routine contact thanks to divorce, kids, finances and so forth. If your bf will tolerate this contact, he's giving you a gift. Respect it and implement firm boundaries. No personal chit chat. No emotional connection. Correspond by text/email when you must. Don't delete them; share them with your bf if he ever asks. Your life is an open book and you are completely transparent with him. Expect him not to trust you for a long while and never be defensive about it. Be prepared to do "whatever it takes."

 

As far as NC goes with your bf - typically distance does not help. Trial separations fail because the partners grow more detached and get used to it. This is not a good way to reconnect. That said, it sounds like this is at his request. If that's the case and this is what he has asked for in order to heal, honor it as one of those "whatever it takes" initiatives. When you think about breaking no contact, you need to picture that you are throwing away your chance at reconciling with your bf by disregarding and disrespecting his wishes. Before you go NC, I strongly recommend that you communicate that this is not what you want, that you are afraid of disconnecting, that this is usually counterproductive by what you have read, but that if it is what he needs in order to heal, you will honor it. Have a clear understanding of relationships with others in the interim. Commit to being faithful and working on yourself; make a list of what you will do. Ask him what he needs. Do NOT give him "permission" to date. Make it clear you want to be exclusive and you're ready to make that commitment. If he will not, you seriously need to reevaluate whether you can accept that. Rebuilding trust is ridiculously hard work to do and doing it for someone that will not speak with you and is openly dating others is probably not healthy. You're in a tough spot. If you sleep with someone in the interim, you can kiss your bf goodbye but it's not healthy to be a doormat for anyone.

 

Lastly, and perhaps most important, is to get yourself into therapy. You need it for yourself and your BF is definitely going to want to know that hou have yourself figured out and straightened out. He's going to want to see that you know you want him for him, not as some rebound while you deal with the trauma of a divorce. You understanding "why" you cheated instead of making some other healthy choice is going to be critical for him to see that you're less likely to cheat in the future. You seem desperate for external validation/affirmation/affection. Why is that? How do you avoid the temptation when a another man wants to give you that attention in the future? What will have changed within you that would prevent a reoccurence? He needs to feel confident.

 

Normally I would recommend that you work on yourself in dramatic fashion while within the confines of the relationship. But it's understandable that he wants you to get your house in order and your proverbial sh/t together before he takes another risk on you. This is a natural consequence of your actions.

 

I will spare you the speech you should be getting about taking time (like a year) to recover from your divorce before you jump into a serious relationship. It's not really fair to him or to you but it's obvious that you're not willing to give him up for the sake of principle.

 

So for what it is worth, I wish you luck in reconciling. I hope it goes well for both of you.