marribell Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I am going to marry in August. My soon to be hubby doesn’t want to buy me a diamond ring. I didn't care about getting one when I was married first time. I am a working woman and we both earn well. We don't have money problems. But the problem is that I know he bought his first wife a very big diamond ring on their wedding and it makes me to feel sad. Is it a sign that he loved her more? He says that after what ex did to him he doesn't want to buy one now. I don't want what she did to have an impact on our relationship. He says that he was young and stupid. That he better takes me to honeymoon to a great place and buy a ring when we celebrate some big anniversary. ...Don't know what to think. Link to post Share on other sites
jmsdmom Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 My momma always told me that the engagement ring is a symbol of how well your man can and will provide for you and your children. If he earns well and is too cheap to buy a diamond, don't be surprised when he is stingy any other time. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 That he better takes me to honeymoon to a great place and buy a ring when we celebrate some big anniversary Heck, I'd go with the fancy honeymoon! He's not saying never a diamond, he's saying later a diamond. He still wants to spend money on you - to spend time with you and do stuff with you! Goodness, girl, rejoice!!! Would you rather a hunk of junk on your hand or some great memories of a great time in a special place with your special man? Man, to me that'd be no contest!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marribell Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 We have the tickets already, will go to Europe for one month! It is like dream. And I love him so much. Just can’t get out of my mind the idea that he got for ex a ring but not for me and that it means he loved her more…He also likes to save lot, prefers much more modish lifestyle than he can afford, can it be a big issue in marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 merry you always give such sensible advice i think that him not wanting to give you a diamond ring is a sign (a big flashing one that he's pointing at) that he does love you. he doesn't want your relationship to be anything like what it was with his first wife and that includes the ring. it sounds like he has realized that a huge diamond does not a happy marriage make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marribell Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 He also says that he thinks he is buying me if he buys the ring now. i don't really care about having that ring, but my friends and some relatives will speak about it, they can't understand it... Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 tell your friends and family to shove it you know he loves you and you know why he isn't ready to get you a ring yet, so we're okay on that front. but i can understand how it can be hard and draining to listen to criticism and speculation about your husbands love and devotion. so come up with a story. i'm not usually an advocate for lying, but if this is going to stress you out, and since it's not going to affect them anyway, you might as well save yourself the trouble and figure out what you're going to tell people should they be rude enough to comment. i would discuss this with your sweetie first. let him know that you're fine with it, but you don't want to deal with anyones rude remarks and so you're going to tell them that you decided that you would rather not have a ring yet, you want to spend the money on a honeymoon instead and get a ring later. you won't really be lying, you just won't let them know whose idea it was in the first place because it isn't any of their business (oh the joy of rationalizing) Link to post Share on other sites
Author marribell Posted July 16, 2004 Author Share Posted July 16, 2004 Thanks for the advice. Very helpful. Sometimes I wish we lived on an island to hide from all people . I guess it is just premarriage worries, like you want to run away as you are worried this time it won't work too. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 and that it means he loved her more… No. It doesn't. merry you always give such sensible advice Thanks much, lydiamarie You ain't half bad, yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmsdmom My momma always told me that the engagement ring is a symbol of how well your man can and will provide for you and your children. If he earns well and is too cheap to buy a diamond, don't be surprised when he is stingy any other time. No offense to you or your mom, but that's a load of crap. The origin of diamond rings have more to do with commerce than love. Engagement rings have been around a long time, but the concept of diamond engagement rings are a rather recent phenomenon mainly started and promoted by DeBeers in a brillant marketing strategy to raise demand and get people to buy their monopolized product. http://engagement-ring-advice.com/history-of-the-engagement-ring.html Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 He is very wise not to give you a diamond. I think you should not think about that either. Why? Because even if it's bigger, better, more expensive, more etc, you'll always compare it with that of his ex (and be damn sure she'll do the same!!!). So it's one problme less to solve. BE happy! Another very handy advice is to keep your family, relatives and friends out of your decisions, out of your marriage. It's your compromise, your life, your husband. They can talk all they want about theirs!!! I happen to love jewelery, so if I feel like having a diamond ring, you bet I'll buy me a diamond ring. My future hubby will have a much more difficult task to accomplish - love me just as much as I love him, make me happy, please me in bed, you know, serious stuff !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 for him to use his past relationship as a "reason" to not get you a diamond ring. That is a huge red flag. What's next? He can't take you to the movies because he used to take his ex to the movies? What a cop out on his part. If YOU want a diamond ring he should buy you one...he's making this all about him and he sounds stingy. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NewStepMom38 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Maybe he is going to surprise you with a big diamond ring when your on your honeymoon, maybe that is why he does not want to buy you one now! Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 When I got married the second time, my husband didn't want to buy me a diamond either. He is a miserly sort of person, in a good way , and just didn't want to spend so much money on a ring. He wanted to spend it on other things, like a nice honeymoon, etc. Anyway, we compromised and I got a fancy wedding ring, and although I just have the one ring, it is fancy enough (with some little diamonds on it) that others never question why I don't have an engagement ring. I was somewhat hurt at first too, but I got over it, and have never regretted marrying my miser husband. Link to post Share on other sites
jmsdmom Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Practically speaking, regardless of whether or not "Debeers brilliant strategy" worked, it wouldn't have worked if women didn't like diamonds. I used to think like many of you, that the ring isn't a big deal. I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong. I completely agree with thecake. No ring is indeed a HUGE red flag, especially if he can afford it and you want it!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Once again, he didn't say no ring ever, he said a ring later. If YOU want a diamond ring he should buy you one Good lord in heavens! If you want ten houses and three cars, I suppose he should buy you them, too. Some women seem to think that men are their to serve their every wish, do all their bidding, and fulfil every single want and desire! WHAT ABOUT GIVING TO THE MAN???? What about finding an answer that suits both? Why oughtn't she be happy with a great honeymoon? I honestly think some women wear their ring as some sort of signal to other women - 'ooo, see, I have a BIG ring so MY man loves me more than your man loves you' Yikes. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmsdmom No ring is indeed a HUGE red flag, especially if he can afford it and you want it!!!!! And what does this HUGE red flag signal exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 As far as a "sign" of something, considering the #1 cause of divorce is money (mainly the pressure of trying to pay off the debt racked up trying to keep up with the Jones'), maybe its a "sign" that he doesn't want to make that mistake with you. I think it would be an interesting study to see the correalation in divorce rates between people who have racked up huge amounts of debt compared to those who have built up a huge amount of savings. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Just my two cents here.... but the whole diamond ring thing is so distorted and disgusting to me. Some brilliant marketing person decided to 'convince' women that a diamond ring is 'proof' that a man loves here and that the 'size of the rock' has something to do with the 'size of his heart' Gee, who makes out like a bandit with this scheme? (*cough *cough...someone other than the happy couple is your hint) I find the whole wedding/engagement industry so completely repugnant I have turned my back on the whole thing. I cohabit with a wonderful man and we love each other dearly. I flaunt my bald hand gladly. We tell everyone we are comitted, monogamous and in love. But a wedding? No thanks. I realize for many people this is a sacred and revered institution. Well, it IS what you make of it. I'm not slamming anyone who truly believes in it. For me personally, the ring symbolizes valuing material things over a human heart. It's a ROCK, people!!!! And one of the most hideous things I've seen is when couples divorce and then fight over who should keep the ring. Sad, sad, sad. Sorry if this message is a downer, original poster, but I don't like the whole diamond ring thing. I commend people for whom it's not important. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 My momma always told me that the engagement ring is a symbol of how well your man can and will provide for you and your children. If he earns well and is too cheap to buy a diamond, don't be surprised when he is stingy any other time. Your momma was smart..she invested in the diamond industry I bet. One would hope a person could figure out if a man of "well means" is cheap before the relationship gets to a point of ring shopping. I still hope the new man made 100% real diamonds (article) hit the market in a big way to hurt debeers' business but I have my doubts. So many people are so brainwashed by the thought that a "big diamond ring" means they love you sooo much. Be different, buck the trend, get something out of the ordinary or say, a nice month long trip to Europe. His ex is an ex for a reason or two (or three). Wow, she can brag how he bought her a bigger ring... yeah, well who is married to him? It isn't her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Marribell does not seem that materialistic to me. hey, she wrote she didn't even want a diamond ring the first time she got married! It's not a "my man should spend big bucks on me" thing, it is an "I'm afraid he loved his ex better than me"thing, which is totally different. This is insecurity, not greediness. I hate people who expect very expensive jewelry from their SO but I can understand how she feels in this situation. She didn't even say specifically that it should be him alone to spend on the rock, she said that both her and her soon-to-be husband work and make good money together...for all we know it could be a ring they both would pay for. Said that, Marribell, I second the thoughts of other posters who believe that a great honeymoon is better than the ring. besides, as others pointed out, it is not not getting a ring, it's getting a ring later! Your fiance sounds like a very okay guy and I find his idea (great honeymoon and a ring later) great and absolutely delightful. Is he a generous giving person, or has he been acting like a miser while you were in the relationship?If he is a caring, giving person odds are you are really going to get a ring later in the relationship. So if you can drop this issue....don't insist. Or you'll probably end up *really*hurting his feelings, and he might think you are materialistic even if you are not. If you are worried about your friends/relatives comments, lydiamarie's advice is absolutely excellent. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmsdmom Practically speaking, regardless of whether or not "Debeers brilliant strategy" worked, it wouldn't have worked if women didn't like diamonds. The diamond isn't rare. The reason you and others want one is because of media programming. You've been taught that "A diamond is forever", and it's a measure of a man's devotion. The diamond has many practical aspects for scientific purposes, but as far as cosmetic jewelry, when you marry a man who bought you a diamond, you're marrying a man who supported the most bloodthirsty terrorist organization in the world. There's nothing more disgusting than the diamond industry, the more you read, the less you wish you've read. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 The "diamond engagement ring" is an American traadition that has spread some. It's not really that old either -- just over 100 years. In Europe and other parts of the world, diamonds are not the stone of choice for wedding rings and a lot cultures don't give engagement rings at all. It has nothing to do with love; it's merely a token and a symbol. I get tickled when I see women flashing a HUGE diamond engagement ring. Most of them are very low quality stones and not worth anything what the poor schmuck you bought it paid. After all, not too many of us can affort the $12,000 per carat that the finest diamonds cost. Not only that, but the "mall" chain jewelry stores inflate their pieces to for more than they are worth (as much as 1000% mark-up). I bought my ex an antique ring with a beautiful 3/4 carat VVS stone. It was in a very nicecly designed and well made setting. It cost me $2500 at a little back-street estate jeweler. I took it to another jeweler to get it appraised for insurance a few months later and was told that it was a piece from Europe and was aboout 130 years old. It's value: $8700. From that time forward, I always looked for unique, one-of-a-kind, high quality jewels for her. She loved everythig I got her. Someone else mention that he's probably going to surprise you with a ring. That sounds plausible. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Originally posted by StartingAgain The "diamond engagement ring" is an American traadition that has spread some. It's not really that old either -- just over 100 years. The actual tradition is from the 15th century, when the Archduke of Austria gave Mary of Burgundy the diamond ring. It's the commercialization that's recent. Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 SA-so you buy expensive jewelry and you're just a sneeze away from me...hmm...too bad you're twice my age i have never understood the appeal of diamonds. they are clear. clear. how boring. i much prefer sapphires and emeralds-they have character. Link to post Share on other sites
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