Broke up...No Contact...Contact...and a HAPPY ENDING!

[Reegs]

This thread will probably be ripped to shreds, but I wanted to let everyone know my experience with No Contact...relationship breakup...and where I am at now.

 

I have been on these boards for a while...haven't posted much..but have really taken in all the advice of others. I have seen that my experience was something that happens to folks daily...and took solace in the fact that I was not the only one suffering. Its a great place to come after a breakup.

 

Breakups are tough...and everyone deals with things in their own way. Having gone through a few of them (I am 28)...I realized that I have never handled a breakup correctly. When my recent breakup happened in May...I believed, at the time, I handled it the right way....

 

Brief background. She was 21 and I was 28. We dated for a year and half. It was great...awesome relationship that I thought really clicked. We broke up out of the middle of no where...we were kissing one minute...the next she was leaving my condo never to return. Completely out of left field. I was shocked...dumbfounded...couldn't believe it had happened. There were two text messages I responded to after we broke up in mid-May...and the last message I got from her was towards the end of June. The summer sucked. It was ruined by me thinking about her constantly. What could I have done differently...what could I have changed? Was she thinking about me? When would this get better..I wanted to be better right away!

 

Right after we broke up...I knew something was up. There was no way it could like this..in my mind. I started to dig. Looking at text messages she had sent me...looked at her facebook....and found out something horrible that broke my heart even further. She had found a new guy. She has been talking to this guy for months before she finally broke up with me. I found there were lies she told...deceit....she was not the person I thought she was. Not the smiling, laughing, joyful person I thought she was. I went through horrible anxiety...bruised ego....and the ****tiest two weeks of my life. Had to take time off of work...moved back to my parents...couldnt be alone. It was some of the darkest days I can remember.

 

How did I get over it?

 

I never begged...never pleaded...never tried to win her back. I let her go...and walked away with my head held high. I was going crazy in my own head...and with my family and friends....but she was never able to get that from me. I put a smile on to the outside world...and kept living. My heart and head were in shambles...but I never gave her the satisfaction of knowing I was missing her. I I went complete No Contact. No looking at facebook...no asking questions to my friends or family members about her. I told them all...even if I ask you what she is doing... don't tell me a thing. Change the subject....talk to me about something else. I took every gift that we ever exchanged and hid them. I wrote everything down on a piece of paper that was wrong with our relationship...and put in that same hiding place. I wrote her a goodbye letter that I never sent to her. I talked to my friends and family until I was sick of talking about it. I went and saw a therapist once a week...and talked until I was blue in the face. I started to date girls before I was ready...and found out what a nightmare that could be. I started going to the gym, and started running. I continually told myself...she wasn't coming back,...that she made the decision to leave me for another man. All the while...keeping strict No Contact. Did I want to send her something? 100%. What would it accomplish though? Small breadcrumb convo that I was just not prepared for. Conversation that I just couldn't accept. The only thing I wanted her to say...was the one thing that she was never going too..."I miss you and want you back." I knew I wasn't going to hear that...so I never saw the point in contacting her.

 

Have you ever looked at a stream of light creeping through window shades? The light is slowly moving...but we don't see it the movement if we are staring at it. If we look away for an hour...and look back...the light is in a total different space. That was me. I am a new man at this point. I have learned so much about myself...and who I am. I am no longer mad...or upset...or hold any resentment towards her. I have let it go. She did what she had to do...what she thought was right for her. It was hard for me to deal with...and I don't think she handled it the right way...but when are break ups really handled the right way? My guess would be 1 out of 10. I have more respect for myself now, and can hold my head high knowing for a time I had a good girl and that I treated her great. I have some great memories with her....but they are just that...memories.

 

This past Friday night...as MY final step to closure...I contacted her. I sent her a pointless text message and at the end..."hope your having a great summer...and I hope all is well." I sent the message expecting to get nothing back...AND was totally ok with getting nothing back. I just wanted to make sure, for ME, that I was over the situation. When I hit send...it was one of the most liberating feelings I have ever had. She cheated on me...she left me for someone else...she shattered my heart....and I just told her I hope all is well...and hope she was having a nice summer!! I felt like I had just said...kiss my ass...you never got the better of me...and I am still here standing. She responded back with a pointless message of her own....to which I never replied. I don't feel like I need too. At this point...she has moved on...and I have too. If I ever see her again...I would be cordial....polite...have a great convo...and keep moving onto the next convo. I have let it all go.

 

Embrace NC...and you will become an exponentially better person. You will find out things about yourself that you didn't know existed. Your so much stronger than you think you are. Surround yourself with good people...don't be afraid or ashamed to cry. Feel your pain...let it out...and when your ready....forgive them. Carrying around hate for someone is not good. Let it go....you will be surprised at how good it will feel. Its said a million times on here...but NC is for you...its really not to get them back. I started it to get her back....but I ended up getting over her.

 

As for me....I have realized after a short dating stint...that I am not ready to date anyone right now. Not because of her....but because of ME. I need to be single for some time....for ME. Right now its all about ME. I can sit back..and look back at one of the toughest times in my life...and smile. I handled it the right way....and I know that at the end of the day...I am a great person. You are too. Good luck!

[youngnlove89]

Good story. But I'm disappointed with you not sharing what she texted back to you.

 

Anyways, Good for you. I'm glad you have moved on.

[Reegs]

@youngnlove89--The text back from her was absolutely nothing of importance. Pretty much said she was having a good summer...and was on vacation with her friends in a spot where we had gone last year. Pretty open ended honestly. If I wanted to respond there was def something there for me to respond too...but I am not looking for that with her. Id even bet she is there with her new boyfriend! It doesn't matter. I have let go of all the hate...and resentment I had towards her...however, that doesn't mean I now want to build a friendship with her. I fully forgive what she did....I hold no contempt. I wont forget though...and I am only friends with people, who like myself, hold high moral character. I am all set surrounding myself with crappy people. I deserve better than that.

 

I hope the best for her....but we are on two very different paths....

Edited August 20, 2012 by Reegs

[SoulSearcher22]

Wow, great story man. Very inspiring. I hope I can feel that way about my ex here soon! Thanks for sharing.

[Vikki_26]

Great story, I too hope I feel that way. So how long would you say before you did feel okay again? Did you keep busy? In a way I wish my ex did cheat as then it would be without doubt 100 percent closure for me. The fact he hasnt makes it hard for me to give up hope.

[Reegs]

@ Vikki 26--Dont wish that upon yourself. You might think it would be easier if they cheated....but when that happens, you look back and question everything in the relationship. That would effect you in your next relationship...and the one after that. To love and trust someone, only for them to throw it away and cheat on you is horribly devastating. You start to question your own self worth, even more than you are right now. You wonder what it was that YOU did that made them cheat. In reality...it wasn't anything you did....they made the decision to cheat, and now you have to sit an deal with the consequences.

If your ex ended it the right way...be grateful that you had the privilege of being loved by someone who loved you back for a long time, the right way. Looking back and questioning someone on their actions throughout the relationship is torture.

 

I think the timeline thing is different for everyone...and depends the seriousness of the relationship. For me...we broke up May 17th. (I had to go back and look and figure this out! haha). This is how it went for me:

 

--First two weeks....an absolute wreck. Finding out all kinds info about her and what she was doing. Looking at her Facebook...asking questions to everyone like this.."Do you think she will ever come back to me?" "Do you think she misses me?" "How long will it take for her to contact me again?"-----Side note on this. Dont ask these questions to your family or friends. all it does it give you false hope. more than likely they will say to you "she/he will come back once they have had their fun...or when they miss you"---- THEY ARE NOT COMING BACK...AND EVEN IF THEY DID YOUR NOT TAKING THEM BACK. Say that to yourself. It will speed things up a bit.

--4 weeks still thought about her constantly. Everyday, wondering if she was still thinking about me. I had stopped looking at Facebook cause it hurt so much. Stopped asking questions. The pain was less....cause I didnt know what she was doing...just kept wondering though

--6 weeks, I started to get sick of constantly thinking about her...but couldnt help it. Still wanted her back.

--8 weeks. I started to date a new girl briefly. I wasnt ready...and it blew up in my face. Made me think of her more. Felt like I was back in week 1.

--10 weeks. This was it for me. I told myself no more. Yelled at myself, and said I am not doing this anymore. She wasnt there...I was pining over a woman that no longer cared. That was with someone else. She has traded me in...it was time to get my self respect back for me. It wasnt going to come from some girl I was dating...but from me. From within. I had the tools all along...I was just afraid to use them.

--12 weeks You saw my first post. I think my healing was fast...because I wanted it to be. You can drag it out six months if you want. I think the key is....you have to want to move...have to want to get your life back. If you want to sit around...and think about them constantly....your going too. Want it for yourself and it will happen.

[birdyJ]

Reegs,

 

This was a very very good post. I feel like it's something I'd written. I am 5 months, maybe 6 now I can't remember, out of 7 years together. In our previous break ups I did not act how I have this time. I never did anything rash but I was not as strong and matured as this time around. It still hurts just as much, if not more because of another 3 years I'd invested.

But you are totally right. The only thing to do is walk away with your head held high no matter how you really feel inside. And use those close friends and family around you to weather the storm. Of course I want to talk to him sometimes and yes there's definitely some of me that wants him to come back and 'realise' - partly my hurt ego and partly because I really do love him and we didn't end badly.

In truth, I know the patterns of our relationship would not change, at least not now and regardless of how cowardly he acted, and he certainly did, I don't hate him or blame him. It took months of this break up for me to finally realise that I deserve better in my life and the only person to give me that is me. Along with the hurt, I have wonderful memories and the knowledge I am capable of loving someone unconditionally even if they are not very lovable back sometimes. I cherished every moment I had with him and was grateful to have him in my life so long.

 

From what I've written you can see I'm not fully healed or have forgiven him properly yet. I still have bouts of sadness and anger and loneliness. But I'm on my way. I never thought I'd be capable of everything I've done and plan to do. But I really am, as we all are if we just try.

[youngnlove89]

Great story, I too hope I feel that way. So how long would you say before you did feel okay again? Did you keep busy? In a way I wish my ex did cheat as then it would be without doubt 100 percent closure for me. The fact he hasnt makes it hard for me to give up hope.

 

 

Trust me...TRUST ME, you better thank your lucky stars that he didn't cheat on you. It would have been worse. I am a victim of being cheated on in the past and it is the absolute worst pain I have ever been in.

 

Keep busy. everytime you think of him, shout "STOP" Think of something else right away. Count to 10 and focus on the numbers.

 

Go to the gym. Watch movies. Write out your feelings. Read 50 Shades of Grey (hey, it took me to a different reality!)

 

So, if he cheated on you, you would lose hope? That doesn't make sense. He broke up with you when you were engaged, that would do it for me.

 

"The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." That alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven. " Quoted from It's a Breakup Because It's Broken

 

I love that quote, so true.