I feel humiliated and tired.. is this abuse?

[Caropuff]

These are the things my X-boyfriend did when we were together. I broke it off simply because i couldn't handle it anymore. I was always tired, had bruises that I had to explain to other people, and was generally very ill and sick all the time. Here i have made a list of all the things he did to me, in no particular order at all, just as they came to my mind. Was it abuse?

 

1. Thrown me out of his apartment because he thought I was cheating on him. He simply called and said " Are you sitting down? Good. Your stuff is in boxes, and you can't call me anymore. Bye"

 

2. Poured hot coffee and milk over me. I still have marks on my right thigh.

 

3. Hit me 7 times ( in the face, my arms, my back, my ribs and my throat)

He even broke 2 of my ribs.

 

4. threatened to set me on fire with a lighter in front of me, while holding me so i couldn't get away ( while accusing me of infidelity, he said " i'll set you on fire you cow, if you don't admit it")

 

5. Accused me of sleeping with 6 of his friends ( just to clarify, i didn't, and there was no evidence what so ever)

 

6. Accused me of being or having been a prostitute ( though I don't dress promiscuous at all or act flirty towards people) He said " either you've been a prostitute or just very easy"

 

7. Accused me of having done drugs and sold them ( aka having been a pusher) though I have actually never taken any drugs at all.

 

8. Said that I had following problems : my family was "dysfunctional" and so was I, I had "daddy-issues", I was selfish, narcissistic and didn't treat people well..

 

9. Told stories about me to his family that wasn't true. He told them that I had been unfaithful to him, and that I had given him chlamydia. He was so convinced I had been unfaithful to him that he went to the doctor to get checked out for STD's. He said " So, now's your last chance to admit it. We'll see the results in just a few days". Of course the test was negative... I hadn't been sleeping around.

 

10. After having accused me of being unfaithful many times, I found 3 different profiles on internet dating sites ( and sex sites ) in which he was looking for "sex with no strings attached". When I was sad and confronted him, he said "I only made them because I wanted to check if you were still into me" ( ??)

 

11. Taken my computer with him ( when we weren't living together) because he thought I was hiding something on it. (Even though I let him search it through completely many times)

 

12. Broken my phone my smashing it into the ground.

 

13. Ruined my jacket my ripping it apart.

 

14. Read my diary even though i asked him not to.

 

15. Looked through my mail and facebook

 

16. Accused me of being a pedophile, because I was playing hide and seek with a 4 year old boy. As he said " you're flirting with him, on his level"

 

17. Said I never really "understood him" and that he had never had that problem with other people or girlfriends.

 

18. Forced me to abort a baby in 10th week ( "if you don't, I'll leave you and you will never hear from me again")

 

19. Accused me of having bought his friends an Imac and a leather jacket. I don't know where that came from, I didn't even have any money at that time..

 

20. Borrowed money from me to give his family christmas presents ( $500 dollars..I never got them back) and proceeded to "forget" to give me a present...Even though I gave him tickets for " Top Gear"

 

21. Ruined the only gift he ever got me, a printer, because he was frustrated.

 

 

22. Celebrated new years eve with some friends in the other end of the country, even thought he had promised me we'd be together. He did cocaine, though he had promised me not to.

 

23. Kissed another girl when he was out with his sister and her friend. ( because he wanted to join their "man-club", where you win $5 if you can kiss someone you haven't even talked to) when I was said and angry, he said " At least you could be happy for me, she was really hot. And btw, you're the one I'm coming home to"

 

24. Blocked me on facebook, skype and what else he could think of, everytime he suspected me of being unfaithful.

 

25. Changed his status on facebook to "single" everytime he wen't to visit his family. I have no idea why.

 

26. Brought a girl home from a concert on the day he went to the ultrasound of our baby with me. To his defense, as he said, they only "spooned and kissed".

 

27. Thrown my stuff ( bag, jacket, cell phone) out from 3rd floor because I was "trying to be right", and I was " trying to start a fight for no reason"

 

28. Threatened me to admit adultery my grabbing my little toe and twisting it so hard I almost cried. Of course I didn't admit anything, so he broke my toe and left my apartment.

 

29. I've looked through his google searches and I found " where to get abortion pill" and " food that makes taste of pill go away". ( how obvious could it be? he was trying to abort our baby by making me swallow a pill I didn't know about...

 

There are many more...

 

He broke it off with me because I wanted to keep my baby. I'm now 7 months pregnant and he is harassing me via phone and email... Don't know what to do. Was what he did abusive?

[pteromom]

Really???

 

Of course he was abusive. He was physically and verbally and emotionally abusive. Broke your ribs? Broke your toe? And you wonder if he was abusive????

 

I'm glad he broke it off. Good for you for keeping your baby.

 

As far as what you should do - change your number. Change your email address. Block him from both.

 

See an attorney about how to handle your ex and what your options are as far as custody and child support agreements. Take this list of things he did to you with you to the appointment.

 

Lastly, you need some serious counseling before you even THINK about another relationship. The fact that you put up with this long enough for him to hit you seven times means you have some serious issues. If you are gonna be a good mom, you have much to learn.

[denise_xo]

Was what he did abusive?

 

I can't believe you're even asking that question. Your ex sounds like a psychopathic maniac. RUN, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. Change your phone number and get a restraining order.

 

Do you have friends or family who can support you?

[fucpcg]

If you don't know the answer to whether or not you were with an abuser, you better go see a Professional.

[Caropuff]

I did run! And yes i am currently living with my mum, I was too scared to stay at my own place I know it's sort of a silly question but sometimes I feel so weak and feel like I did the wrong thing. But I didnt

[denise_xo]

I did run! And yes i am currently living with my mum, I was too scared to stay at my own place I know it's sort of a silly question but sometimes I feel so weak and feel like I did the wrong thing. But I didnt

 

Good, very glad to hear. Now keep it that way! Good luck with everything, and make sure you never go back to that psychopath.

[weallfalldown]

yes very abusive................two sides to every coin though.......

 

nothings "black n white"

[CopingGal]

He was physically abusive, psychologically/emotionally abusive, and verbally abusive.

 

Dear, I want you to get some counseling...okay? I'm so glad you are away from him. Your ex makes my psychologically abusive ex look like a boy scout and my ex was VERY psychologically abusive. Stay away from him. Seek legal help in case he wants to see the baby. You can't have your child around this monster. And please, please seek therapy.

 

Be proud of yourself that you left him.

[SunandMoon]

That was tough to read... I am so sorry you went through all that. If he is still bothering you, "harrasing" as you said, can't you get a restraining order? Though, I don't know how that works with a kid in the mix... but if he treated you like crap I don't want to even think of how he would (possibly) treat the child...

[Anela]

Bloody hell. Yes, that's abuse!

 

Reminds me a bit of the thing masquerading as a human being, that my mother was engaged to, when I was six.

[turnera]

Best book in the world to read about it: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.

 

Read it even if you're no longer with him - it will help prevent you from picking another one.

[Caropuff]

Thank you so much everyone!

 

These comments really helped. I did go to my doctor and asked him if he could he me with some therapy, and he recommended some therapists.. So far so good

 

I still feel like I am emotionally "out of balance", but i try to stay calm, most of the time it works, I have to do it for my baby girl to be happy in the future!

 

thanks for the support.

[Eclypse]

What a horrible story :| It's a sad reminder that people like him do exist in the world. What he did was definitely abuse, and it concerns me that you had to even ask that. Was there a reason you didn't leave him earlier? Personally I think you should have left him well before you got pregnant, but what's done is done. The most important thing now is your safety and that of the baby. This monster must not be allowed anywhere near her or you.

 

Have you called the police or a battered womens service? They should be able to provide advice for the best way to proceed in your country. Otherwise he might be able to get equal visiting rights with your daughter if no one is aware of the kind of person he is. And I think you definitely do not want to leave ANY child alone with him at all!

 

Can I ask how old you two are? You sound quite young.

[Caropuff]

I am 21 years old, and my x is 25 almost 26. So you'd definitely expect him to act more grown-up like.

[turnera]

We all stop growing up at the age at which we experience our biggest shock.

[Caropuff]

Well, then it must have been around his 13th year then.... :S

[turnera]

That's actually very typical for males. When puberty hits, it's such a powerful physical change, that they find they have little control over, that it kind of takes over their lives. Suddenly, every waking thought becomes about the female body and getting some.

[Caropuff]

And the easiest way to get that is to be mean and abusive apparently. :S

[turnera]

Abusers are actually pretty smart; they just don't know it. They are VERY skilled manipulators of the human psyche. They can tear you to pieces with just a look, or a sniff, or an eyebrow. It's how they learned to get what they NEEDED as a child, and they continued to use the neural pathways that got it, as adults, when it's no longer appropriate. Because they pick people who are vulnerable to such manipulation. If he picked a woman with high self esteem, a love of herself, and true pride and knowledge in her power and standing in the world, he'd never get to second base with her, because the first time he tried to pull one of his stunts, she'd leave him so fast he'd have whiplash.

 

The insidious thing about abuse is that it is one 'give in' at a time. Oh, he didn't really mean to call me a fat cow, he's just having a bad day; I won't say anything. Oh, he didn't really mean to leave his wallet at home, work was stressful. Oh, I guess he's right - if I hadn't brought up his sore subject, he wouldn't have reacted and given me a black eye.

 

Until, before you know it, you no longer trust yourself to make decisions, speak your mind, say no, or expect more.

 

It's one give in at a time because, if you started dating him and on the first date he slapped you and called you stupid, you'd never see him again. He knows that. That's why they are such masters at putting on the good face. And they keep it on just until they know they have you.