being friends with men you're not interested in

[colombiana28]

throughout highschool and college I was always friends with a lot of guys. I'm heavily into sports, fantasy football, playing pickup basketball, that sort of thing. there were never many issues because I was always about 80 pounds overweight, and I never tried to lead on her flirt with any of my friends. people would say men and women can't be friends and I would scoff, like ' hey I have lots of platonic guy friends.'

 

how right those people turned out to be.

 

since I lost weight, the inevitable scenario is this: meet a guy (or hang out with old guy friend), find out that we have in incredible amount of stuff in common, so we decide to hangout/be friends. then eventually I get creepily hit on, I say thanks but no thanks in so many words, and usually hey express disappointment but theyre more than happy to maintain a friendship. but then the more that I hang out and be buddy buddy with these guys, they continuously try to hit on me or make things awkward. somtimes they dont even say anything, its just the vibe. do you just cut off these kind of friendships? it seems pretty evil, I'm not interested in you so I don't even want to be your friend either. especially when the guy gets pissed about it.

 

ladies, do you cut off friendships when you realize the guys into you?

Edited August 20, 2012 by colombiana28

[Tea Leaf]

About half the time that guy friends develop feelings for me they won't or can't let it go, and the other half they will and things go on just fine. It hasn't been my experience that it means certain death for friendships. If a guy friend really likes me I'll try to gently bring it up and make sure they know it's not going anywhere. That way they can choose to leave if they don't think they can get over it in time and we're not in some kind of friendship-relationship limbo where everyone feels weird.

 

I don't always trust them to have a handle on their own feelings, though, so I'll be watchful. If they continue to push it it's a good idea to cut them off because they clearly can't handle being just friends.

[GirlontheLam]

So the bulk of my platonic guy friends disappeared into the sunset. I have one that is actually still a friend. We are on year 15 or so. Still friends. No weirdness. He is a strange guy. He has loads of platonic female friends (half of my closest ones). Some are exes, some aren't (my friends aren't).

 

But he does tend to keep his friend spheres separate. He knows pretty much every one of my friends. I know very few of his.....we take advantage of every opportunity to meet his other friends since it is so rare he invites us!

 

It depends on the guy.

 

I lost a lot of mine when they got married.

[MrCastle]

I don't think it's wrong that they leave when they don't get what they want; why would they stick around?

 

Straight, single men are not looking for friends. They're looking to get laid and rightfully so.

 

It's better they leave when they get turned down than to stick around and catch feelings/get sucked into the devistating blackhole that is known as the friend zone.

[Necromancer]

I think there are only few woman that are worth having platonic relationship with..... The others are just using you in one way or another if they don't see you as dating material.

[colombiana28]

I don't think it's wrong that they leave when they don't get what they want; why would they stick around?

 

Straight, single men are not looking for friends. They're looking to get laid and rightfully so.

 

It's better they leave when they get turned down than to stick around and catch feelings/get sucked into the devistating blackhole that is known as the friend zone.

 

thanks see this is what I'm asking. the last part of your post. I'm talking about guys that want to maintain a friendship, even adamently so. it seems cruel, but it's actually the nice thing to do, to end the friendship right? otherwi.se you're the evil s.uccubus that just leads men on

[colombiana28]

I never accept money or gifts from these friends and all we do is talk sports. I never try to lead anybody on...

[somedude81]

thanks see this is what I'm asking. the last part of your post. I'm talking about guys that want to maintain a friendship, even adamently so. it seems cruel, but it's actually the nice thing to do, to end the friendship right? otherwi.se you're the evil s.uccubus that just leads men on

Odds are the guy friends that are interested and want to stay friends are sticking around because they are waiting for a chance with you.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

do you cut off friendships when you realize the guys into you?

 

 

 

There is no other scenario... unless this is a neighbor, family member, coworker, or the like.

 

Males have zero interest in maintaining mere "friendships" with women they would not rather be banging.

[runningfar]

I have male friends. Ones where there have never been any interest, ones where there were and it was outgrown (good friends with them sill, and friends with their wives!), and fake friends I lost because of interest.

 

 

I would have no interest ever in any regard in a man who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I wouldn't force a friendship with someone who was interested in more with me.

 

My best friend and I will never date. I adore him. But I would rather have a friendship than not have him in my life.

 

 

I would never be interested in anyone who I couldn't be friends with...

[Necromancer]

I have male friends. Ones where there have never been any interest, ones where there were and it was outgrown (good friends with them sill, and friends with their wives!), and fake friends I lost because of interest.

 

 

I would have no interest ever in any regard in a man who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I wouldn't force a friendship with someone who was interested in more with me.

 

My best friend and I will never date. I adore him. But I would rather have a friendship than not have him in my life.

 

 

I would never be interested in anyone who I couldn't be friends with...

 

Fake friend? How do you define that?.

 

A guy who tried "friends first" or a guy who only saw you as a friend/buddy then fell for you?.

[runningfar]

Fake friend? How do you define that?.

 

A guy who tried "friends first" or a guy who only saw you as a friend/buddy then fell for you?.

 

A guy who only wanted a romantic relationship but pretended to want to be a friend then disappeared when it didn't go their way. if you only want romantic, be upfront. Don't lie. Lying isn't attractive.

[The Way I Am]

I have more guy friends than girl friends. I'm pretty good looking, but I don't have the same problem as you.

 

I can't imagine ever saying my friends "creepily hit on" me behind their backs. That's seems mean, and I wonder whether you really are their friend.

 

I've had guy friends express interest in me, but there was nothing creepy about it. They just said they were interested in something more, I told them I wasn't, and they accepted that.

 

I can think of 2 that are still good friends after many years. I'll be going to one's wedding in a few months. When he first dated his fiance, I used to give him advice and tell him when he was over-reacting or negatively reading into her actions. He seems very happy with her. I'm not sure he'd still be with her if he hadn't listened to my advice.

 

I just went to the birthday party of the other a month or two ago. I used to lend him money when he was totally broke. Technically, I think he still owes me, but I'm not that bothered with it. I'm also good friends with his (on again, off again) girlfriend, and they now have an adorable daughter.

 

The only guys who couldn't move on were exes, one guy I slept with too soon but I decided I didn't want a relationship with, and a guy in college who was really religious and didn't speak to many other girls but me. With the exception of the religious friend, the fact that I had wanted them at one point probably gave them something to hold on to. Actually, I probably even gave the religious guy some signals at one point, because I had a crush on him briefly.

 

That makes me wonder whether you're behavior toward these guys leads them to believe they have a reason to hold out hope.

[Necromancer]

A guy who only wanted a romantic relationship but pretended to want to be a friend then disappeared when it didn't go their way. if you only want romantic, be upfront. Don't lie. Lying isn't attractive.

 

I have never tried the friends first stuff but I have few times developed feelings for friends after hanging around them 5 times a week for few months.

 

Actually, I never thought i would fall for one of them. But then feelings started to come.

[somedude81]

I

My best friend and I will never date. I adore him. But I would rather have a friendship than not have him in my life.

That's an odd way to put it.

 

I'm sure you mean, "I would rather not have him in my life than be in a relationship with him."

[RiverRunning]

This has happened to me once. I still miss him (it's been nearly 2 years) and wish that we could've been just friends.

 

It got to the point that he was always asking me out, always flirting with me, and eventually trashing my boyfriend and telling me about the kind of guy I SHOULD be going out with - a guy who eerily resembled him.

 

The difference between us, though, was that our friendship started when we were working at the same place. I was in a relationship when our friendship began and in the same one when our friendship tumbled.

 

But, that's the only time it ever happened.

[somedude81]

This has happened to me once. I still miss him (it's been nearly 2 years) and wish that we could've been just friends.

 

It got to the point that he was always asking me out, always flirting with me, and eventually trashing my boyfriend and telling me about the kind of guy I SHOULD be going out with - a guy who eerily resembled him.

 

The difference between us, though, was that our friendship started when we were working at the same place. I was in a relationship when our friendship began and in the same one when our friendship tumbled.

 

But, that's the only time it ever happened.

Yeah, it's pretty weird and disrespectful If you're in a relationship when the friend expresses feelings. That's when the guy should back off and walk away.

 

But if the girl is single and the best guy friend wants to be more, why the hell not give it a shot?

[Mrlonelyone]

The answer is simple. Don't reject someone by saying you just want to be friends.

 

Either you were really truly friends first, or you weren't. Just be honest and say you don't want to see them anymore. The honest response will be better for everyone. You would be surprised by how easily "creepy" "clingy" men move on from that.

 

Just don't come sniffing around if you then see the creepy guy with another woman and suddenly he looks attractive to you.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Alexcross

 

That's one of my pet peeves about the dating world. Saying "just be friends", and branding a "creep" or "*itch" anyone you just don't find attractive are the lies most of us tell.

[Yamaha]

women call guys creepy is because they are not attracted to them

 

Creepy= "unwanted attention/pursuit" in womanese.

 

Friendship is fine but only if "both" parties want it that way.

Nothing worse than unrequited love!

[The Way I Am]

It bothers me that the OP calls people friends but has no problem using the word "creepy" to refer to them. I think she is not really their friend.

[threebyfate]

No problems being friends with men who share common interests. Doesn't matter to me if they're interested. As long as I maintain my boundaries, ensuring they're aware I'm not interested, the rest is on them since they're adults who have a choice to remain friends or walk away.

[RedRobin]

No problems being friends with men who share common interests. Doesn't matter to me if they're interested. As long as I maintain my boundaries, ensuring they're aware I'm not interested, the rest is on them since they're adults who have a choice to remain friends or walk away.

 

Ditto.....

[threebyfate]

If only I was secure enough in myself to actually follow through on a friendship like that.

Maybe you could explain this since it can be interpreted in multiple ways.

 

As far as myself when I'm within a relationship or marriage, nothing has or can make me cheat. This is bankable.

[somedude81]

Walking away from a friendship with somebody you really like, can be very difficult.

 

I think many guys try to hang on for as long as possible. It's almost the same thing as women getting feelings for their FWB and being unable to walk away knowing it will never be more than just sex. Still, at least the girls actually get sex.