being friends with men you're not interested in

[threebyfate]

If i meet a girl, and we have tons of common interests, however I am attracted to her and she is not attracted to me and is only offering friendship, I wouldnt be secure enough in myself (hard to be candid about my emotions) to be friends with her because my feelings of attraction towards her would never go away. She would be friends with me, but would not but her dating life on hold and I could not handle that, as I am not secure enough in myself.

Thanks for the candid explanation. So this probably means you'd walk away from the friendship which would be your choice and fine, in that you know yourself best and what works for you.

[threebyfate]

Yeah it would be like subjecting myself to mental torture. If i liked her. I dont think I am confident enough in myself to hear about other men being involved in the picture, etc. You get where I am going with this right ?

When you lay it out like that with raw honesty, I hear you.

[Els]

Straight, single men are not looking for friends. They're looking to get laid and rightfully so.

 

Speak for yourself. Plenty of 'straight, single' men appreciate friendships with both genders as well. It seems incredibly backwards that anyone would relegate themselves to only being friends with one gender. Just because the only interaction you could possibly want with any woman you ever meet is to get laid, does not mean that everyone else is the same. The implicit insult to the heterosexuality of men who have the social capability of maintaining friendships of both genders is even worse.

 

Returning to the OP, I don't see anything wrong with those men deciding to leave if they were attracted to you and you did not reciprocate. Yes, it sucks, but they have to do what is best for them as well. If literally ALL of your male friends are 'creepily confessing to you', though, I'm frankly not sure what sort of signals you're putting out. I have had several male friends, and while confessions did happen, there were many who were also content to remain platonic friends. And I was all of 110 lbs then, so I doubt that was the issue.

 

What are you DOING with these male friends of yours that leads to all of them confessing to you? Are you flirting with them, spending plenty of time one on one, going into deep emotional talks with them, etc? You do know that all of these are wrong signals. Platonic friends are completely possible but there need to be strong boundaries that you only relax when you actually DO want that particular guy's advances. Hanging with the guys, downing a few beers, playing video games, going out in co-ed groups, is platonic. Lots of one on one time at each others' houses and touching, physical contact, sharing stuff, is likely giving out the wrong signal.

[threebyfate]

Everyone deserves raw honesty. If people want things sugar coated, they should go eat a donut.

It's not often we get raw honesty on LS. Just a lot of blame game victim mentality where if women aren't being "mommies" to these guys, we're all bad.

[Pompom]

With me it's always been the other way around: I had a wild crush on a male friend but he wasn't interested. Things got awkward, but the friendship never ended over that. However this is also because I kept the advances to a minimum and when it was clear that I had no chance, I stopped altogether and treasured what I had.

 

The only male friend who has ever had a crush on me that I know of, is a drunk so there's no chance I'll even think about it and I think, in his sober moments, he knows that.

[Almond_Joy]

throughout highschool and college I was always friends with a lot of guys. I'm heavily into sports, fantasy football, playing pickup basketball, that sort of thing. there were never many issues because I was always about 80 pounds overweight, and I never tried to lead on her flirt with any of my friends. people would say men and women can't be friends and I would scoff, like ' hey I have lots of platonic guy friends.'

 

how right those people turned out to be.

 

since I lost weight, the inevitable scenario is this: meet a guy (or hang out with old guy friend), find out that we have in incredible amount of stuff in common, so we decide to hangout/be friends. then eventually I get creepily hit on, I say thanks but no thanks in so many words, and usually hey express disappointment but theyre more than happy to maintain a friendship. but then the more that I hang out and be buddy buddy with these guys, they continuously try to hit on me or make things awkward. somtimes they dont even say anything, its just the vibe. do you just cut off these kind of friendships? it seems pretty evil, I'm not interested in you so I don't even want to be your friend either. especially when the guy gets pissed about it.

 

ladies, do you cut off friendships when you realize the guys into you?

 

Now I do.

 

Once they've made it known they want something from me I'm not willing to give I can't feel comfortable around them trying to maintain a different kind of relationship. Even if they say they're cool with it.....that's not really what they want. They know it, I know it. It's just awkward after that. Sucks, but until they get a girlfriend of their own they'd have to find another buddy to chill with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look Colombiana28 If you're just looking for true male friends then you'll find them next to the flying hippos.

 

I think it's completely naive and frustrating that people consider themselves "mature" enough to have these platonic close relationship with the opposite sex and take no risk on encroaching on any boundaries or possible romantic interest. It's like telling your kid not to eat a twinkie cause he'll get fat but you slam one down your throat he asks why is it ok that you ate it? because I'm the parent, I'm responsible yet it doesn't change the fact that the twinkie is a twinkie.

 

A person of the opposite sex is and will always be a person of the opposite sex, there is nothing you can do to change that. Just because you can put on this facade and institute this "self-control" doesn't make you any better or more entitled than the person without it that makes you feel so privileged in pulling off the rare and impossible...as If you gain some understanding and acquire some more sophisticated language only developed between more "mature" individuals that can understand it...please, it's such a pile of self-entitled BS that you think lifts you above and beyond human nature and instinct.

 

I just wish for a moment I could reveal my experiences to women into the male mind so they can see how this twisted little world they created with men is just a fabrication of reality to institute this appropriate relationship in your lives without feeling apart of the masses. These men are no different, they aren't wired different, they don't come from better upbringings and attain an elevated level of sophistication and intelligence that allows them to ignore their penis.

 

These men who are your friends are attracted to you...it does matter what they think or want because If you truly respect their feelings then you care enough to realize why they associate with you. Men develop friendships with women they want to be close to but don't have a better reason or option of getting closer to you on a romantic level. So just like women they put on this little facade like they're just genuinely interested and "curious" about you, your life and your feelings as a way of developing a more emotional and significant bond...what doesn't make sense about that?

 

Why some people or women not care? because they don't want to have to sacrifice what that person brings to their life, whether it's mutual interest or support or someone they enjoy their company and to spend time with. One person always would like or prefer more, that never changes and given the opportunity and circumstance they would have been with you or would be with you in the future..how is that for not sugar-coating on LS. People want to everything to be honest as long as that honesty falls within their own reality and bubble so they don't have to change the comfort zones and boundaries within their own lives.

 

You don't care because you know you won't cheat? great, but that's not honest...do you care about how this other person feels? I guess not because for you that is not a priority or desire, but don't give a stick up your butt when mr friend for 10 years decides he wants to profess his love and support after your divorce/break-up/low-point where you've competely relied and entrusted in hm based off this delusion you are just friends and nothing more will develop out of that....don't be surprised If this man isn't suppressing true desires and emotions he has for you every time he sees your sexy @ss walking into the room and all he'd really like to do is throw you on the dining table and ravage you but instead he smiles and talks about the weather. It's so ridiculous IMO how people think they can change human nature and instinct with your mind. It's a futile process, you may be able to set boundaries and act in a certain manner like how you show up to work and say hi to someone you'd rather be punching in the face, but the fact that you play it cool changes the reality to some.

 

This world is created by others constantly lying to us about what is true and what isn't...these thoughts, ideals and beliefs that go against the grain of human nature so that person can feel they are better or have more profound relationships with others in which others cannot achieve...but it's all the same people!

 

Bottom line Colombiana28 is these men are not your friends and never will be....these men are all interested in you, the ones that are more alpha will be gone as soon as you reject them, they won't even play the friendzone angle, the others however will stick around and hang out under your wing waiting for the right opportunity, inching closer and closer. Men are your acquaintances at best...you have to set clear boundaries and stay out of situations where something could happen...places that are intimate and cozy. It doesn't matter If you have a BF, it doesn't matter If you get married, it doesn't matter If you invite them to your wedding..it doesn't prove they are just your friends, it just means they're close enough to fly under the radar without being detected as a hostile!

 

But don't be a fool and live in this fantasy world, you're not sending out the wrong signals, you're not giving off the wrong impression...as you get older these men will learn how to not throw off your alarm, and they'll downplay their intentions or emotions if not outright deny them...but they are never your friends!

 

There is always a romantic possibility, on one end or the other...this is why so many people are surprised when their SO is cheating with someone so close to home and not some random guy/girl. It's the perfect cover even though it never seems right. The sooner you realize this, the easier your life will be...you don't need to cut these men all off but at least know what they're after and what you're playing with to keep their attention and company.

[Emilia]

I think The Way I Am and threebyfate have it the nail on the head. It's about your own boundaries OP. I don't go drinking one on one with my male friends, I try my best not to ever make them feel conscious of the differences between our sexes. We go to events together and do various activities but the line is very specifically drawn in the sand. I don't really find there are many misunderstandings in terms of where all of us stand

[carhill]

OP, since you're 23, multi-dating and apparently are active sexually, based on your prior threads, where do these friends fit into the picture? Do you proactively seek out such friends? As an example, while you're dating a guy and having sex with him, are you calling up 'old male friends' and/or chatting up guys at the sports bar about stats and players? Do you know the spouses or girlfriends of these friends or are they all single? If they are all single, is that purely coincidence?

 

At your age, especially at your age with men your age, take it for granted that any single man will be potentially sexually interested in you. If your attraction lies elsewhere, do what ladies did to me back in the day, ergo 'I don't feel *that* way about you' and discontinue association. That's the healthy thing to do, IME and IMO. No ambiguity.

 

Good luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have male friends. Ones where there have never been any interest, ones where there were and it was outgrown (good friends with them sill, and friends with their wives!), and fake friends I lost because of interest.

 

 

I would have no interest ever in any regard in a man who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I wouldn't force a friendship with someone who was interested in more with me.

 

My best friend and I will never date. I adore him. But I would rather have a friendship than not have him in my life.

 

 

I would never be interested in anyone who I couldn't be friends with...

 

 

 

LOL - you don't get it. This subject has exactly nothing to do with your interpretation or vantage-point of such "friendships". It is certainly OK to bury your head in the sand, particularly if/while you are being satisfied sexually elsewhere.

 

You echo the same beliefs passed around by trending-toward-HOT women the world over, when contemplating the subject of why they seem to have so many "friends".

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Speak for yourself. Plenty of 'straight, single' men appreciate friendships with both genders as well. It seems incredibly backwards that anyone would relegate themselves to only being friends with one gender. Just because the only interaction you could possibly want with any woman you ever meet is to get laid, does not mean that everyone else is the same. The implicit insult to the heterosexuality of men who have the social capability of maintaining friendships of both genders is even worse.

 

 

 

 

Here again is somebody who is fully ignoring reality while instead preferring to go on believing in the absurd.

 

I supposed that "straight, single men" "appreciate" those friendships in the same way that they "appreciate" having scores of names in their little black books. (grand choice of words there)

 

It is perfectly OK, metaphorically speaking, if you are presently with the guy with the largest 'member' you've ever known, and that you are entirely convinced that you will never part with it under any circumstances. Yet to let that vantage point somehow convince you that the scores of men with lesser 'members' who constantly befriend you wouldn't rather be in your pants, is entirely clueless thinking.

 

Certainly heterosexual males are caused by family, neighbors and workplace environs to have seeming 'friendships' with females they aren't scheming to bang, but when a heterosexual guy goes at all out of his way to maintain a 'friendship' with you (a female), it is solely because he wants to bang you.

[The Way I Am]

Certainly heterosexual males are caused by family, neighbors and workplace environs to have seeming 'friendships' with females they aren't scheming to bang, but when a heterosexual guy goes at all out of his way to maintain a 'friendship' with you (a female), it is solely because he wants to bang you.

 

Yeah, any guy who's going out of his way to be friends with a girl isn't looking for friendship.

 

How about when they're not going out of their way? You can be friends with people without it being a big hassle. Usually, there isn't much need to "go out of the way" unless you're very close friends, and even then only occasionally.

 

I'm sorry for you that you think women have no value besides a hole to plug, but don't attribute your own failings to every other male.

[Els]

Here again is somebody who is fully ignoring reality while instead preferring to go on believing in the absurd.

 

I supposed that "straight, single men" "appreciate" those friendships in the same way that they "appreciate" having scores of names in their little black books. (grand choice of words there)

 

It is perfectly OK, metaphorically speaking, if you are presently with the guy with the largest 'member' you've ever known, and that you are entirely convinced that you will never part with it under any circumstances. Yet to let that vantage point somehow convince you that the scores of men with lesser 'members' who constantly befriend you wouldn't rather be in your pants, is entirely clueless thinking.

 

Certainly heterosexual males are caused by family, neighbors and workplace environs to have seeming 'friendships' with females they aren't scheming to bang, but when a heterosexual guy goes at all out of his way to maintain a 'friendship' with you (a female), it is solely because he wants to bang you.

 

If you had bothered to read the entirety of my post, and the post I quoted, instead of immediately launching into a mindless tirade of angst upon reading the first paragraph, you would have noticed that the bolded was exactly what I meant. Nobody was even talking about 'going all out of his way to do so'. That is an incredibly unhealthy way to approach friendships to begin with, and I highly doubt even a homosexual man or a heterosexual woman would do that with me.

 

Though I find it amusing that you quote workplace etc friendships between the opposite sexes as necessarily being less-than-genuine ones. Tell me, SincereOnlineGuy, if you are so very well entrenched in reality, how is this belief working out for you? Got a great social life, happy relationship, I'm sure?

[ShyOne82]

ladies, do you cut off friendships when you realize the guys into you?

 

When a male friend ends up liking me and crosses the line, I definitely cut them off. Its rude and it feels gross because I don't see them in that way. Persistant guys never get the point and should be cut off. Theyll get it once you stop talking to their asses.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Nobody was even talking about 'going all out of his way to do so'.

 

YOU should have shown the decency to read and comprehend the post which you quoted.

 

It was about single, straight men LOOKING to get laid, and not merely looking for friends. Most (others) would be able to discern the parallel between a male "going out of his way"... and "Looking" in that context.

[Mrlonelyone]

At your age, especially at your age with men your age, take it for granted that any single man will be potentially sexually interested in you. If your attraction lies elsewhere, do what ladies did to me back in the day, ergo 'I don't feel *that* way about you' and discontinue association. That's the healthy thing to do, IME and IMO. No ambiguity.

 

Good luck.

 

Does anyone else think that some young women actually like the ambiguious relationship created by these kind of "friendships"? You know, getting a little of the advantages of having a man interested in them* yet not having to give anything emotionally, physically, or otherwise for it.

 

*At least it's a little ego boost if nothing else.

[Els]

YOU should have shown the decency to read and comprehend the post which you quoted.

 

It was about single, straight men LOOKING to get laid, and not merely looking for friends. Most (others) would be able to discern the parallel between a male "going out of his way"... and "Looking" in that context.

 

Uh... no. To most normal, well-adjusted people, 'looking for friends' means just that, and often includes both genders. You have, in your mind, only one possible relationship dynamic with women that you extrapolate into any mention of friendship between the genders - perpetually trying to get laid by them. Because that is all you have ever done your entire life, and, my guess is, because it has been very lacking in your life.

 

You will note that all of the men who immediately jump on the 'puppy dog guy clinging on to whatever morsels of friendship he can get from the girl in hopes of banging her' bandwagon whenever friendship between the sexes is so much as mentioned, are the men who are generally unsuccessful with relationships. I'm not sure which is the egg and which the chicken, but it is worth noting. Emotionally and intellectually mature men who aren't OMFGDESPERATE for nookie generally do not immediately assume such a dynamic whenever friendships between the sexes are mentioned, or claim that friendships between the sexes are not possible.

 

That isn't to say that most young men would turn down an offer of casual sex from most of their female friends. Of course they wouldn't. But there's a whole world of difference between being someone's 'friend' solely in hopes of dating them, and taking opportunities as they come. If I was out walking and someone came and offered me $10,000, no strings attached, sure I'd take it. But I sure as hell don't go out walking just because I want someone to.

[somedude81]

Elswyth, many if not most guys don't go looking to make female friends. We're trying to get laid/find girlfriends.

 

There isn't really point in trying to defend men by saying that guys pursue friendship with girls the way women do with men.

 

DrGoebbels gave a great example. Those guys weren't looking to make a new friend with the girl. That wanted to screw or date her.

[Els]

Elswyth, many if not most guys don't go looking to make female friends. We're trying to get laid/find girlfriends.

 

Of course many don't, but many is not all. It is presumptuous to attempt to speak for one's entire gender or to assume that people who don't fit in the tiny pigeonhole of one's experience are not 'straight'.

 

DrGoebbels gave a great example. Those guys weren't looking to make a new friend with the girl. That wanted to screw or date her.

 

Those guys are actually the perfect example of the sort of guys I was talking about - inexperienced and generally lacking in sex.

[somedude81]

Of course many don't, but many is not all. It is presumptuous to attempt to speak for one's entire gender or to assume that people who don't fit in the tiny pigeonhole of one's experience are not 'straight'.

You're just getting hung up on the wording.

 

If Mr.Castle had said "Most straight, single men are not looking for friends. They're looking to get laid and rightfully so." would you have a problem with that?

 

Those guys are actually the perfect example of the sort of guys I was talking about - inexperienced and generally lacking in sex.

Well consider this, do you think that guys who have crushes on their female friends and continually try to pursue them, have much dating experience or have sex on a semi-regular basis?

[Els]

You're just getting hung up on the wording.

 

If Mr.Castle had said "Most straight, single men are not looking for friends. They're looking to get laid and rightfully so." would you have a problem with that?

 

Yes, the wording does matter. What he said was exactly the same as a woman saying 'real men pay for dates'. The implication is that if a man does not pay for dates, he isn't a 'real man', and that is intended as an insult. The implication of Castle is that if any man is interested in friendship with a women or anything beyond screwing her, he isn't 'straight'. I'm not sure whether he intended it that way or not, but it sure is annoying.

 

Well consider this, do you think that guys who have crushes on their female friends and continually try to pursue them, have much dating experience or have sex on a semi-regular basis?

 

That's what I'm not sure of. Did the chicken come first, or the egg? My guess is that people who consider an entire gender as not being worth interacting with if you're not getting sex with them, are extremely, extremely desperate for sex to begin with. Because many non-desperate guys, believe it or not, don't actually want to be in a relationship with every girl they meet. Even if they are single. So they have female friends, and perhaps of those, only a subset of girls that they are interested in.

 

And this desperation probably leads to more lack of success. Now, I don't have a problem with guys who choose to only interact with women for sex and dating - their choice, their life. The problem I do have is with guys who assume that the way THEY approach relations with women is how every single guy does, despite the fact that their way isn't even working. That... just boggles me.

[Diamond_Dust]

At first I believed that you could be friends with anyone as long as they were nice enough and you had some interests in common...

 

Now that I'm older I realize that I can't be friends with sexual interest in my sex most of the time. Chances are if given a chance (even if they some how don't "normally" like what you happen to be) they'd probably sleep with you, not even because they like you but b/c the opportunity is there.

 

I don't get close to guys the way I used to and it's much harder to make friends with ppl who aren't trying to bang you I've realized but when you do it's much more worthwhile and there's no worrying that you're being told something just so they can get in your good graces later. That they're hanging around for opportunity or to be creepy later.

 

I'd just rather not chance it. I only hang out with other guys in group settings with other people... and when I'm dating someone I don't talk to any other guys very much as there's no point in it for me... aside from an answer to I'm not dead and I'm doing fine or if they're going to the same social event.

 

Maybe that seems cold but it works for me and helps me to avoid weird moments with men

[Els]

I'd just rather not chance it. I only hang out with other guys in group settings with other people...

 

But.. why do you not consider people that you hang out with in group settings as 'friends'?

 

If what you and the guys who posted above you mean by 'friends' is 'people who have extensive one-on-one contact and don't hang out with anyone else, just the two of them'... then obviously there can't usually be 'friendship' between the sexes. But there are so many types of friendship. I highly doubt that two male friends, even, are going to spend a lot of time one-on-one.

[PlanetJanet]

Males have zero interest in maintaining mere "friendships" with women they would not rather be banging.

 

I've got one! I've got a male friend who doesn't want to bang me. And it sucks. :-(

 

But really, I do think that some men are able to look at more than sex when they meet a female. I think it's rare but it can happen. I guess you learn a lot when you lose weight and some start to hit on you. Some don't. Good luck!

[SandRat]

When Harry met Sally, kind of a chick flick but I love it so piss off! The below quote is soooooo true!

 

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns: I guess not.

Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.