Awesome Username Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Hello everyone! To give a background, I have a Japanese boyfriend and though he was raised in America, he often has pretty traditional values. He has mentioned a few times that it's normal for a grandparent to live in the same household with the kids and grandkids. He has hinted that he would want his mother to live with us someday, and his mother hinted that if she ever got sick he "Had better take care of her!" He is an only child and has brought up to me that he "Doesn't know what to do when both of his parents are old and he has to take care of them both because he can't stand to live with both of them at once." His parents are divorced, too. This kind of scares me. I don't want to have kids and be the woman of my house, just to have an older woman move in and clean up after me, fuss at me, and be the new "alpha female." Also, my mom's 46 and she's almost 70 so there is an age gap between my boyfriend and I. another issue is that we just had a trip to Japan (the three of us) and I didn't know what not only were my boyfriend and I not going to even have a full day together to ourselves without family obligations, but we didn't even get to sleep together on the last days because we all shared a room (which was in the family and we were allowed to stay for free, so even though it was a kind of a bummer it was still nice of them to do for us). Even he was mad about how she dragged us around without letting us have any free time without guilt. She is rather demanding of him and always asks him to buy her stuff and fix her house. I guess I understand though, because he doesn't visit often and she's an older woman. She also regularly babysits dogs...sometimes 8 at a time for a living. Keep in mind, the Japanese kind of arrangement isn't letting your in-laws stay until they get on their feet which would be completely okay to me...it's permanent. This is something that isn't immediately going to happen per se, but possibly in the future. He doesn't ever really want to talk about it and gets uncomfortable, which is concerning. The pros, which I'm also considering, is that she might be extra help for a baby if we ever have one. She's not some sort of strange alcoholic which is a plus. She's a smart woman. She's a great painter, so we could get to know each other and have art in common. Also, I might feel less isolated with another person around. She doesn't yell and scream, and for the most part she just does her own thing. I don't dislike her or anything like that. I'm wondering if I'm having too much of a knee-jerk reaction to this. I don't know Loveshack. I'm torn, naive and worried for the future. Do any of you have any advice to give me? Link to post Share on other sites
traces Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 If the idea of living with his parents bothers you, don't marry him. He's their only child, and yeah, in Japan that means his wife's probably going to be the one caring for them and supporting them in their old age. Some elderly people choose to live alone, and others are in such poor health that they DO get put into care facilities, but it doesn't seem like that will be the case for you. And look at her age. This isn't something in the far off future, and he's already pretty much told you that he's thinking about it, planning for it. You've seen how he interacts with her. He's already set the tone for you. His dodgy-ness about the issue isn't too comforting, either. Best case scenario: His parents decide to live on their own for a long time, you end up caring for them later down the road (but you will). Worst case, and more likely: You'll be saddled with both the responsibility of children and elder care relatively quickly. I don't think it's a bad thing to care for elderly parents at all! I live in Japan so I consider this part of my future. But I have to consider MY needs, too: my youth, privacy and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 woo boy. Yeah, traces has it all down here. One way or another, these folks are going to be your responsibility: it's just a matter of when. She does her own thing, but if your boyfriend's dad eventually moves in down the line...will they be able to get along, or is there going to be bitterness, resentment, even fighting involved? Your boyfriend defers to their authority and doesn't seem interested in sticking up for what he would like. If this is going to work, it's time to sit down and have an honest talk about expectations - now (of course, this depends on how long you've been dating too - more than 6 months, definitely a 'now' conversation to have). Would it be possible for him to 'care' for his elderly parents differently than the traditional way - i.e., maybe they move into an assisted living or co-op home, and he visits so many times a week/runs errands so many times a week, etc.? If he's willing to be flexible on this, it may bode well for your relationship. But if he's adamant about them moving in (and you, basically, being the provider), you need to think long and hard about this. In-laws can complicate any relationship. I know that I would almost certainly end up divorced if any in-law of mine moved in with us on a permanent basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Wolfcub Posted August 21, 2012 Share Posted August 21, 2012 In Eastern Europe there is also a tradition (or just lack of housing:))) that extended families live together. Its not easy. Of course you may expect that your MIL may help with your children, hopefuly the way you approve. It will be difficult to share the kitchen, there is always something you do differently and each - the only possible correct way.... But in your case i see another problem - the two parents are divorced, they did not want to live together, probaby for a reason, and there is just one son to move in with. How is that going to work? Probably your husbang has to think of an acceptable solution, and that may involve a solution for you too: e.g. get nearby but seperate assisted living or just usual apartment next door for each parent seperatly, they will not have to live together and they will not live in your home. Argument that letting one of them to live with you while the other - next door will be injust, so you have to arrange apartments for each of them. Sure, they have some place where they live now, that can be changed to near you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awesome Username Posted August 21, 2012 Author Share Posted August 21, 2012 Thank you so much for the advice everyone. I had a talk with yesterday about it and we pretty much settled with "We can get a duplex where they have separate quarters, because I want to be able to walk around naked in my house if I want to and they'll still be close enough for us to help with anything" He went for it. Woo! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 In Eastern Europe there is also a tradition (or just lack of housing:))) that extended families live together. Its not easy. Of course you may expect that your MIL may help with your children, hopefuly the way you approve. It will be difficult to share the kitchen, there is always something you do differently and each - the only possible correct way.... But in your case i see another problem - the two parents are divorced, they did not want to live together, probaby for a reason, and there is just one son to move in with. How is that going to work? Probably your husbang has to think of an acceptable solution, and that may involve a solution for you too: e.g. get nearby but seperate assisted living or just usual apartment next door for each parent seperatly, they will not have to live together and they will not live in your home. Argument that letting one of them to live with you while the other - next door will be injust, so you have to arrange apartments for each of them. Sure, they have some place where they live now, that can be changed to near you? Oh yeah. I have stories on this one. In many Eastern Europe countries there are no good daycare centers, so often grandparents who are not working anymore take care of the kids during daytime. Or the couple sits in a room from one of their parents to save up money for wedding/other stuff. Privacy is kinda small. My aunt moved in with her MIL, my mom moved away across the country to make sure she gets away from her mother and celebrated when her MIL moved out from their place [caring for me], another aunt brought a husband in tow from college to live with my grandparents for a few yrs [they ended up getting along fine]. I'm glad it worked out fine for you, your bf got Westernized which is what literally ... saved your sanity. Some of the girls here are told from the getgo by their mothers to see how his mom and dad are, because it's nasty to move into a madhouse. I think you would have gotten along nicely with his mother, but you do need a nice wall inbetween. And with a duplex you also get a live-in babysitter ... which you can't fire and with whom you will need to learn to cohabitate with. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Thank you so much for the advice everyone. I had a talk with yesterday about it and we pretty much settled with "We can get a duplex where they have separate quarters, because I want to be able to walk around naked in my house if I want to and they'll still be close enough for us to help with anything" He went for it. Woo! Great! Sounds like you have it all worked out! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Thank you so much for the advice everyone. I had a talk with yesterday about it and we pretty much settled with "We can get a duplex where they have separate quarters, because I want to be able to walk around naked in my house if I want to and they'll still be close enough for us to help with anything" He went for it. Woo! That's your thinking they will always respect your privacy and not come through the door when they feel like it. Do you think they will do that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 That's your thinking they will always respect your privacy and not come through the door when they feel like it. Do you think they will do that? Don't scare the poor girl, next thing you know she'll find out that if they share the bathroom she will need to wash her MIL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blugirl Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 OP, that's not a good idea. You need a house where you and your partner will claim one floor and the in-laws the other floor. And it would be best if both floors have their own kitchens, bathrooms, bedroom etc so it's like 2 apartments in one house. Otherwise, I don't see it. Sounds like a nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I wouldn't live next door to my in-laws let alone in the same building 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 OP, that's not a good idea. You need a house where you and your partner will claim one floor and the in-laws the other floor. And it would be best if both floors have their own kitchens, bathrooms, bedroom etc so it's like 2 apartments in one house. Otherwise, I don't see it. Sounds like a nightmare. Get good soundproofing for the bedroom. You will thank me when you move in and later when you have kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blugirl Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 Yeah, that's the worst part, you can't just let yourself go wild when living with in-laws.... x_O Link to post Share on other sites
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