I can't stand my daughters bf

[darkmoon]

"She tells me that I am not nice etc"

 

please list what the etc means, list.

here is what upsets/use-other-verb her

she's telling you

[lionqueen]

Darkmoon... she is general about me not being nice to her boyfriend. This is just not true and I have friends that I have introduced to him and they can vouch that I have been nothing but warm and welcoming. I have also even asked his advice about a problem with my car... he wouldn't even respond.. I got a grunt.

 

I resent being portrayed as a villain here. I have just come here to talk and get advice for MY feelings so that my daughter DOESN"T think I am controlling her or unhappy for her or any other negative thing. I don't want to ruin their relationship I do want her to be happy.

 

You don't seem to understand and I did think I made it CLEAR ... I am not "carrying on" to my daughter.. I have given her NO REASON to believe that her bf would not be totally accepted by us. We love her and want her to be happy and we want the best for her.

 

Yes I am her mother, I gave birth to her for pity's sake and I have a bloomin right to worry about her especially when I see her so unlike her normal happy self. I want to help her but not to control her. Nothing would give me more joy than to see her truly happy and fulfilled.

 

I need help for ME .. that's what I asked. Not for everyone to jump in with the assumption that she is afraid of my reaction or scared of me "carrying on like THIS".... for the one thing she has nothing to go on as this is her first bf EVER !!!

 

I also resent the comment "you parents are all the same" !!!! What the heck!! You don't know how I am !!

 

I thought being honest about what I am feeling inside my head and heart would have got me some caring advice to help ME NOT hurt my daughter or our relationship. Instead I am made to feel like a neurotic, control-freak.

 

Oh and BTW ... I NEVER SAID THAT PEOPLE WHO FIND LOVE ON THE NET ARE PATHETIC !!!!! I said I didn't think her self-esteem was so low ! She had plenty of boys interested but obviously did not have the confidence to talk to any of them face to face... that's what I meant.

[whichwayisup]

Your daughter is going to do what she's going to do, with or without your blessing. I say, focus on the other things and people in your life and stay busy. If she notices that you're less picky about her and her boyfriend, and not focussing on what she is doing/they are doing, she may come around, on her terms and time frame. she'll figure out this guy is a dud and not the one for her.

 

All I can say is be there for her when the time comes she wakes up (and she will! Especially if her friends don't like this guy) and breaks up with him. Who knows, he may end it with her one day.

 

You can still offer and include him in family functions but if he doesn't show up or he says no, don't react.

 

Stressing out about this isn't good for you in the long run.

[darkmoon]

Darkmoon... she is general about me not being nice to her boyfriend. This is just not true and I have friends that I have introduced to him and they can vouch that I have been nothing but warm and welcoming. I have also even asked his advice about a problem with my car... he wouldn't even respond.. I got a grunt.

 

I resent being portrayed as a villain here. I have just come here to talk and get advice for MY feelings so that my daughter DOESN"T think I am controlling her or unhappy for her or any other negative thing. I don't want to ruin their relationship I do want her to be happy.

 

You don't seem to understand and I did think I made it CLEAR ... I am not "carrying on" to my daughter.. I have given her NO REASON to believe that her bf would not be totally accepted by us. We love her and want her to be happy and we want the best for her.

 

Yes I am her mother, I gave birth to her for pity's sake and I have a bloomin right to worry about her especially when I see her so unlike her normal happy self. I want to help her but not to control her. Nothing would give me more joy than to see her truly happy and fulfilled.

 

I need help for ME .. that's what I asked. Not for everyone to jump in with the assumption that she is afraid of my reaction or scared of me "carrying on like THIS".... for the one thing she has nothing to go on as this is her first bf EVER !!!

 

I also resent the comment "you parents are all the same" !!!! What the heck!! You don't know how I am !!

 

I thought being honest about what I am feeling inside my head and heart would have got me some caring advice to help ME NOT hurt my daughter or our relationship. Instead I am made to feel like a neurotic, control-freak.

 

Oh and BTW ... I NEVER SAID THAT PEOPLE WHO FIND LOVE ON THE NET ARE PATHETIC !!!!! I said I didn't think her self-esteem was so low ! She had plenty of boys interested but obviously did not have the confidence to talk to any of them face to face... that's what I meant.

 

I asked for a list about the etc. - without that itemised lot of facts elaborating on the etc., it's hard to understand precisely what the problem is

[pink_sugar]

My daughter is 20yr old. Her bf is 23. I feel awful to seem so judgemental but I was trying to be honest about my feelings. I have cried and cried about this because its so upsetting to me. I don't want my daughter to be like me and just fall for the first guy that shows any interest regardless of what the future holds. Its so easy to stick those rose coloured glasses to your head and become oblivious to the world. I have done it and I am paying for it now and so are my kids. We have money problems and family problems and all sorts of issues because I didn't think about and try and imagine the future. I do hate being told that I need to leave them alone when every inch of me wants to scream and shake her and say "STOP" !!! I have imagined the future with this guy as my soninlaw and cannot see it. He just would never fit in to our family .. we are very social... big parties, lots of friends, bein stupid and having fun. I have been nothing but nice and even tried to gently coax a conversation and a laugh out of him but he just gives NOTHING ... It makes me sad

 

 

You know, you have to let her make her own mistakes...everyone has to live and learn. It might be insulting to her that you don't trust her to make the right decisions for herself. Trust she knows what she is doing. I know from experience and others that sometimes the more you try and make someone not do something, the more they will do it. Remember this guy is 23 years old, of course he's going to have a social crowd like most guys his age, don't fault him for that. This is really not a valid reason for not accepting him just as my dad has no good reason to not accept my husband. My husband was also my first and I HATED the fact that my dad would say I need to "date" more guys before deciding to marry or commit to one. If it works out the first time, why would I do that?

[lionqueen]

Darkmoon... here is the problem...which no-one seems to understand. I don't have a LIST !!! My daughter has said to me, a couple of times, that I am not NICE to him. This has been said on the "couple of times" I have asked her why he wont talk or make an effort to get to know us.

 

Now, be clear, that is ALL she has said and when I have asked what she means she has shrugged me off and said NOTHING further.

 

These "couple" of incidences have left me wondering what I have done and as I can't see anyway I have not been NICE I have come on here with my HONEST feelings that i have NOT expressed to my daughter to try and deal with my own issues so that I do NOT make him or her uncomfortable.

 

There is NO reason for my daughter to be scared of me or think my reaction to anything will be anything other than loving and supportive as it always has been.

 

So I cannot give you an itemised list of what she has said that upsets her etc.

 

Before this man arrived on the scene we talked about everything and had a pretty happy relationship.

 

Oh and btw I do NOT want all the gory details of her relationship if that is what is going to be asked next.

 

I just want to understand where MY feelings are coming from so I can fix myself

[Almond_Joy]

Like blu_girl, I'm speaking as a daughter who has a mother that was very similar to you OP, in some ways.

 

Just because your feelings are sincere and honest doesn't mean they are appropriate to apply to the situation. You seem to be getting very offended because people are telling you your emotional reactions are counterproductive to the situation. These aren't personal attacks - they're just telling you that acting on your feelings, based on their experiences, is not going to help provide a win-win solution for you and your daughter in this situation. It's not personal.

 

That's what I got from reading the posts, and I agree with most here.

 

If this is your daughter's first love/serious boyfriend, your daughter's going to be a little catty. She's probably feeling very protective of the relationship because she doesn't want outside influence right now from someone who doesn't approve of her guy - that would threaten her happiness in the relationship.

 

If you and your daughter were as close as you say prior to the relationship, she knows you don't like the fellow, even if you've never said anything mean about the guy or been mean to him. She wouldn't need you to say it to know. If she loves him, and knows you don't like him, why would she bring him around you? All that's gonna do is mess up the good vibe she gets when she's with him. The relationship still sounds pretty fresh - my understanding from what I read is that they don't see each other very often, yes? Every two or three weeks? If so that's prolonging the honeymoon stage.

 

If you haven't shared your assessment of the boy with your daughter yet, please keep it that way. I can't offer coping advice to you from a parent's perspective, but I can tell you that your daughter will probably be alot more appreciative and alot less rebellious if you stop trying to integrate yourself into her relationship with this boy and his family. Let her fall in love, let the bloom fall off the rose in her eyes in its own time. As the parent, any criticism - no matter how gentle or valid - coming from you about him or the relationship will go in one ear and right out the other.

 

The staying out late thing and staying over his house, I think, is a natural reaction to being in love and not being on her own. Couples want their own space, and it doesn't really sound like they'd get any privacy or be trusted alone in your house. She may be getting that privacy over his house, which would be why they're over there all the time. I did the same exact thing with the first guy I really fell in love with, because I was in the same circumstances (I was working and supporting my mom, but living wit my mom also, so I didn't really have my own space).

 

If you have told her you want to have more opportunities to get to know the guy and meet his family already - you've done all you can do. If your daughter isn't exhibiting severe destructive behavior as a result of this relationship, leave them alone. I understand that is really hard, but I'd bet money it's the best and quickest way to improve the dynamic with your daughter right now. She'll appreciate the space, and will come back in her own time to re-establishing the close relationship you two had. She'll also stop being so rebellious, because she'll have no perceived threat to rebel against. But it's imperative that you stay out of what she's doing as much as possible for that to work. I'd guess that any attempt you make to get involved will be taken as you poking your nose in something that's not your business. I know that sounds harsh - but again, I'm just speaking as a daughter who went through the same experience. That is how my mother's concern and desire to be involved was perceived by me as her daughter, and the more she "pushed" the more protective and rebellious I got over my relationship.

 

Hope this perspective helps, and good luck.

Edited August 23, 2012 by Almond_Joy

[Almond_Joy]

Darkmoon... here is the problem...which no-one seems to understand. I don't have a LIST !!! My daughter has said to me, a couple of times, that I am not NICE to him. This has been said on the "couple of times" I have asked her why he wont talk or make an effort to get to know us.

 

Now, be clear, that is ALL she has said and when I have asked what she means she has shrugged me off and said NOTHING further.

 

These "couple" of incidences have left me wondering what I have done and as I can't see anyway I have not been NICE I have come on here with my HONEST feelings that i have NOT expressed to my daughter to try and deal with my own issues so that I do NOT make him or her uncomfortable.

 

There is NO reason for my daughter to be scared of me or think my reaction to anything will be anything other than loving and supportive as it always has been.

 

So I cannot give you an itemised list of what she has said that upsets her etc.

 

Before this man arrived on the scene we talked about everything and had a pretty happy relationship.

 

Oh and btw I do NOT want all the gory details of her relationship if that is what is going to be asked next.

 

I just want to understand where MY feelings are coming from so I can fix myself

 

Also just want to add, in response to the last part of this post:

 

I don't think there's anything about yourself to be fixed. As a parent you should care, be concerned, want to be close to your daughter. How you accomplish expressing that in a way your daughter appreciates and understands is a whole other ball game lol.

[pink_sugar]

Darkmoon... here is the problem...which no-one seems to understand. I don't have a LIST !!! My daughter has said to me, a couple of times, that I am not NICE to him. This has been said on the "couple of times" I have asked her why he wont talk or make an effort to get to know us.

 

My father has this issue with my H. He is offended that my husband doesn't talk to him much, but in reality, he is like that with most of my family. Nothing personal, he just doesn't have a lot to say. It's annoying sometimes, but that's the way he is. My father has even assumed that my H must be afriad of him. He'll also make false assumptions that he must not be motivated and yada yada. In reality, he is very smart. We all show different sides to ourselves around certain people, but some people are just more introverted. Maybe your daughter's boyfriend doesn't have much to say around you guys. He is a young male, so don't forget or be offended that he may not be extremely social with you and the rest of the family as he would with friends or your daughter. But if he treats your daughter right, that's what matters. Try and focus less on the negative and more on the positive. Is your daughter happy?

[lionqueen]

Thank you for your input I appreciate the honest perspective. I have NOT said much to my daughter about her boyfriend or their relationship. As I said that is my problem .. I want toooo. So I was questioning whether I should or not and I have concluded that I will stay out of it.

 

Unfortunately, she is NOT happy .. she has changed a lot but is mostly moody and not fun at all anymore. This is my issue.. Its hard to keep quiet cos I hate seeing her like that.

 

I did take a lot of the earlier comments personally because the way that people were coming across was as if I was constantly nagging and on her back and this big disapproving ogre .. when in actual fact I haven't voiced this to her. She doesn't offer information and I don't ask. I just try to be as pleasant as possible to the guy when I get the opportunity to see him.

A lot of the replies were saying things like "she probably knew you were going to "carry on" like this" and "if I had a mother like you I don't blame her" etc. WHY? I haven't done anything to HER... these were my private feelings and no matter how much I say it people weren't getting it. So yes, I was upset about that cos it just wasn't fair !!

 

But thank you for your perspective it really helped.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

She tells me that I am not nice etc and it just isn't true

 

 

 

This is about as unlikely as a young child randomly making-up stories and details relating to child abuse.

 

Coming to an anonymous online forum and merely stomping your foot hard, loud, and often until SOMEbody starts to see it your way just isn't solving anything.

 

 

You still resist giving us any understanding as to how she was dishonest and disrespectful in the beginning of this relationship.

 

As you remain anonymous, what can that hurt?

[Emilia]

You are either in denial OP or you are just making stuff up. Your daughter knows you very well, she understands what's up, she has clocked your attitude don't you worry. Perhaps treating her like an adult - rather than judging her for 'not being fun anymore' - would go a long way.

[lionqueen]

Ok here goes.. at the beginning of the relationship she was disrespectful because we questioned her for being dishonest about where she was going when she had arranged to meet this guy at the beach at 7pm at night. She tried to say she was going to her gf house but I called her on it cos something didn't add up. Now, before you go jumping down my throat she is using MY car and the idea was dangerous so I just asked her to please text me when she got there and when she was on her way home. Well, she rolled up at home at 2.30am !!!!! I was worried sick as he was a stranger to her then (first meeting) and she HAD text me to say she was there and then I heard nothing further. Its OK to say they just met and they got carried away with the time... but 2.30am on the beach with someone she doesn't even know for heaven's sake. Needless to say I got very upset with her and so did her dad but only because she didn't have the courtesy to let us know she was ok !!! She then did the same thing again 2 more times. Now, as I said, I don't care if she wants to stay out until 4am but can you at least let the people that provide for you and you live with know so they don't worry about you especially seeing you are driving yourself.

When we have said something about this to her she is VERY disrespectful and uses foul language at me and her father and tells us its none of our business.

 

The first time she went to his house, we had NO contact from her whatsoever and we were expecting her home and had already started to panic a little when I get a message saying "just letting you know I am staying the night here"... that's fine but then the next day NO contact until the following evening again saying the same thing. Her father went ballistic and demanded that she come home and she refused. NOW do you all honestly think that seeing she lives at home, rent free, has free use of my car whenever she needs it etc that this is RESPECTING us.

 

How am I in denial ????? How am I treating her like a child!!! ... Its common courtesy to let people know whats going on so they don't worry and it doesnt muck up other peoples plans. For pity's sake, she comes and goes as she pleases, we haven't forbidden her anything, we haven't demanded she stop seeing the boy etc. We understand that is her choice but this is not a bed and breakfast where she just comes in stays, eats, uses the car, electricity, water etc and then leaves when she feels like it. She does NOTHING, no cleaning, washing, ironing, NOTHING at all. She gets everything paid for AND we are struggling for money as it is. She contributes NOTHING. So how am I bloody well accused of treating her like a child, and all the other things people have to say on here.

 

If she thinks she needs to be treated like an adult why doesn't she act like one!!!!!

 

and therefore,

 

if I am such a controlling witch why am I on here trying to make sure I DON"T hurt her and trying to ensure I don't ruin my relationship ????? OH and I don't mind whatever other details you wish me to state I am not shy only insensed by the insults and comments from everyone who ASSUMES they know me and how I behave but obviously don't care to help me with my actual problem.

[lionqueen]

Oh and btw "Emilia" .. how dare you accuse me of lying? Why would I as has been stated by a previous member this is an anonymous forum and the whole reason I cam here was to be completely honest about my feelings and get some advice.

[darkmoon]

Darkmoon... here is the problem...which no-one seems to understand. I don't have a LIST !!! My daughter has said to me, a couple of times, that I am not NICE to him. This has been said on the "couple of times" I have asked her why he wont talk or make an effort to get to know us.

 

Now, be clear, that is ALL she has said and when I have asked what she means she has shrugged me off and said NOTHING further.

 

These "couple" of incidences have left me wondering what I have done and as I can't see anyway I have not been NICE I have come on here with my HONEST feelings that i have NOT expressed to my daughter to try and deal with my own issues so that I do NOT make him or her uncomfortable.

 

There is NO reason for my daughter to be scared of me or think my reaction to anything will be anything other than loving and supportive as it always has been.

 

So I cannot give you an itemised list of what she has said that upsets her etc.

 

Before this man arrived on the scene we talked about everything and had a pretty happy relationship.

 

Oh and btw I do NOT want all the gory details of her relationship if that is what is going to be asked next.

 

I just want to understand where MY feelings are coming from so I can fix myself

 

you titled this post "I can't stand my daughter's boyfriend"

it looks like the feeling is mutual

 

so expect less imho

but i see she needs to be more adult and grow up (when!?) and iron cook etc. to help

and drop her agression as it seems to be rather rebellious and tantrum-like

 

she won't drop him, they are in cahoots aganst you

i can see a loser husband in the wings

but she has to see that for herself

boyf will not afford luxuries

she might set her sights on a better catch

Edited August 24, 2012 by darkmoon

[Janesays]

Listen, I will tell you exactly what to do to make things right....

 

You need to go to your daughter and with COMPLETE SINCERITY say, "I think I may have misjudged [her boyfriend]. Please tell me what you love about him?"

 

Then you need to LISTEN and AGREE.

 

As a Mother, you need to NEVER make the mistake again of telling your daughter that you don't like her boyfriend. From here on out, unless they are actually abusive, you need to say all her boyfriends are lovely men.

 

Your 'being honest' is what is alienating both your daughter and her boyfriend from you. Don't you think she probably tells him how you feel about him?

 

If you put your daughter in a position where it's 'him or us!,' you will lose. My ex Mother in Law tried that with my ex husband and he didn't speak to a single member of his family for 4 years. Eventually his Mother did grow to like me and they reconciled. But still....she wasted 4 years without her son.

 

What happens if she marries him? Has children? They may both decide to cut you out of the grandchildren's life because they don't want the children to pick up on any animosity you have towards their father.

 

Likely, they won't get married and will eventually break up soon, but consider that how you behave with THIS boyfriend is going to color how open and honest your daughter is about her FUTURE boyfriends. Find a reason to like him....if for no other reason than your daughter feels loved by him. If she feels like you approve of her, she will be more likely to bring him around and spend more time with everyone as a family.

 

If you want a daughter who includes you in her adult life, you need to learn to BITE YOUR TONGUE. The only thing you do by criticizing her choices in mates is make sure she tries to keep you out of her life. Please think about the future and your future grandchildren! Do you want to be a big happy family someday? Or do you want your daughter to run off and start a new family with out you? Your behavior will determine the outcome here.

 

Remember the key words here, "I think I may have misjudged him. Please tell me what you love about him." And then when she tells you, "I'm so happy for you."

 

Say it and MEAN IT.

[turnera]

When we have said something about this to her she is VERY disrespectful and uses foul language at me and her father and tells us its none of our business.

Ok, here's where I see the problem is. She does not respect the two of you and that likely developed over time, because you ALLOWED it. Now's the time to stop allowing it. Why? Because you are teaching her that her 'happiness' is more important than that real important things in life - respect, morals, deference, kindness, empathy, and responsibility.

 

Here's a really easy way to handle this. Sit her down and say this:

"Daughter, your dad and I have had a talk and here's what we have decided. You live here on our good will. You have no job. You aren't going to school. You aren't contributing to this house. You use my car and my gas. And yet you treat us with disrespect and use foul language. You go out without checking in so we know you're not dead and don't worry. So here's the deal. As long as you live with us, you'll start respecting our rules. You'll be spending your time searching for a job or attending university. You'll handle chores around the house to pay for your room and board. You WILL check in or you will lose access to my car. And if you cuss me or dad out again, I will personally pack your stuff and leave them outside the house for you."

 

If you start regaining her respect, the boyfriend thing will come around, too.

[turnera]

If you want a daughter who includes you in her adult life, you need to learn to BITE YOUR TONGUE. The only thing you do by criticizing her choices in mates is make sure she tries to keep you out of her life.

Yep. That, and talk to her in a safe way about things, to get her talking to you again. Tell her about guys you dated, mistakes you made and how you got out of them. Tell her what you've learned about guys. Ask her what she's learned about guys. Ask her to visualize her life with him in 5 years (no going out, no traveling, etc. - hopefully she can see those things) - but not in a negative way, in an interested way - get her to open up. Kids her age have a hard time visualizing the future, but that can help her decide what to do.

 

My DD21 dated a guy last year who turned out to be incredibly controlling - just disastrous. I couldn't tell her to stop dating him, as she'd been very picky and hadn't gone out in two years! She was so in love with finally having a boyfriend that she was ignoring all the signs. So I just talked to her about things. Asked her to logic out what this or that situation meant to her (things he'd done to her, like punish her by refusing to talk to her for 2 days) - asked her to tell me what it meant to her, what she thought about it. Basically I got her to see - on her own - that he was destructive. He broke up with her when he found out she had 'almost' had sex once in high school (she's still a virgin - probably why he dated her in the first place) and kicked her out of his apartment! THAT is when I spoke up and showed her all my fears and why I was glad he was out of the picture. And my waiting until then helped her trust me and listen to me so that, when he inevitably contacted her a couple weeks later to say he would 'consider' giving her another chance (grrr), she resisted the urge to go back to him because she now saw how abusive he was. But that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't kept my mouth shut while they were dating.

[pink_sugar]

I agree, your dislike of him probably shows. Maybe that's why he doesn't talk much to you. I know this is the case for my husband and my dad. My dad has always made it known how he feels about my husband and wonder why my husband hardly speaks to him.

[whichwayisup]

The other thing to think about, you have no idea what your daughter has said to her boyfriend about you and her dad. If she's vented and complained to him about how she feels she's being treated like a child etc., he IS going to be tainted in a negative way towards you and your husband. And, if he doesn't have a strong sense of what family is, then through his own experiences, he's tainted on the family unit.

[Almond_Joy]

Ok here goes.. at the beginning of the relationship she was disrespectful because we questioned her for being dishonest about where she was going when she had arranged to meet this guy at the beach at 7pm at night. She tried to say she was going to her gf house but I called her on it cos something didn't add up. Now, before you go jumping down my throat she is using MY car and the idea was dangerous so I just asked her to please text me when she got there and when she was on her way home. Well, she rolled up at home at 2.30am !!!!! I was worried sick as he was a stranger to her then (first meeting) and she HAD text me to say she was there and then I heard nothing further. Its OK to say they just met and they got carried away with the time... but 2.30am on the beach with someone she doesn't even know for heaven's sake. Needless to say I got very upset with her and so did her dad but only because she didn't have the courtesy to let us know she was ok !!! She then did the same thing again 2 more times. Now, as I said, I don't care if she wants to stay out until 4am but can you at least let the people that provide for you and you live with know so they don't worry about you especially seeing you are driving yourself.

When we have said something about this to her she is VERY disrespectful and uses foul language at me and her father and tells us its none of our business.

 

The first time she went to his house, we had NO contact from her whatsoever and we were expecting her home and had already started to panic a little when I get a message saying "just letting you know I am staying the night here"... that's fine but then the next day NO contact until the following evening again saying the same thing. Her father went ballistic and demanded that she come home and she refused. NOW do you all honestly think that seeing she lives at home, rent free, has free use of my car whenever she needs it etc that this is RESPECTING us.

 

How am I in denial ????? How am I treating her like a child!!! ... Its common courtesy to let people know whats going on so they don't worry and it doesnt muck up other peoples plans. For pity's sake, she comes and goes as she pleases, we haven't forbidden her anything, we haven't demanded she stop seeing the boy etc. We understand that is her choice but this is not a bed and breakfast where she just comes in stays, eats, uses the car, electricity, water etc and then leaves when she feels like it. She does NOTHING, no cleaning, washing, ironing, NOTHING at all. She gets everything paid for AND we are struggling for money as it is. She contributes NOTHING. So how am I bloody well accused of treating her like a child, and all the other things people have to say on here.

 

If she thinks she needs to be treated like an adult why doesn't she act like one!!!!!

 

and therefore,

 

if I am such a controlling witch why am I on here trying to make sure I DON"T hurt her and trying to ensure I don't ruin my relationship ????? OH and I don't mind whatever other details you wish me to state I am not shy only insensed by the insults and comments from everyone who ASSUMES they know me and how I behave but obviously don't care to help me with my actual problem.

 

 

Did the disrespectful behavior on her part only start with the relationship, or was she pulling stuff like this before?

Edited August 24, 2012 by Almond_Joy

[Almond_Joy]

Also, has she ever gotten herself stranded or in trouble?

 

If not....it may help to remember that. If she's made responsible decisions in the past that kept her safe, trust that she's doing the same now. Part of her vicious retorts may be indignance that neither of you are showing you trust her ability to keep herself safe.

 

If she has no resources of her own and you just don't want to put up with the disrespect anymore, you can try putting her out. She'll either concede to your rules quickly or stick it out at a friends house or the bf's.

 

Basic respect is a reasonable request, but from your daughter's position, I'm telling you - you're not gonna get it from her. She's probably perfectly aware that she's being a jerk.

 

Weren't you rebellious as a teen? You may never have taken it as far as your daughter is by cursing at your parents or not checking in with them - but surely you had a phase of growing up where you found your parent's ground rules stifling or irritating....figured your parents don't understand how you feel and don't trust your decisions....? That's where your daughter's at right now - in addition to being taken with this boy you don't like.

 

I felt really bad for my mom once I got over my rebellious phase - I know I'd been a jerk and a lot of it she didn't deserve. She was just doing what any concerned, protective parent wants to do. But there's no way in hell anyone could've convinced me of that at the time. That realization had to happen on my timeline - not my mother's.

 

If all you're asking is to tell you both where she's going and when she expects to be back, ask her to sit with you and your husband for a minute so you can reiterate that CALMLY. Don't bring up what she's done in the past, don't throw in her face that she's living in YOUR HOUSE and driving around in YOUR CAR. This all is true but all telling her that will do is make your daughter resentful and more defensive.

 

At 20, I don't think demanding doing the laundry's gonna cut it for your daughter. If she's acting like an adult, there's more than one way to treat her like one. We've been harping on you about the emotional/communication perspective. There's also the financial perspective, which I've witnessed as quite sobering for many teens . I can't really see a way to stop the disrespect except to push her into self-sufficiency. Let her try to live resource free with friends or the bf. She will probably come to see quickly that you as the parents aren't asking very much of her. I've always been painfully aware of the difference self-sufficiency can make in how much independence I have.

 

 

In addition to my own experience, I just remembered that I have a coworker in her 50's whose daughter's around your daughter's age - or was a couple years ago. They were in the same circumstance - daughter doesn't pay for anything, her and her mother are very close. The daughter fell for her first boyfriend a couple years ago and the mom didn't approve - but like you, she gave the daughter space to do her thing. That wasn't enough for the daughter in her rebellious, infatuated state, so she went to live with the boyfriend. The mom hadn't kicked her out - the daughter just packed her stuff and left while my coworker was at work. My coworker was worried sick and angry but she did not contact her daughter while she was over this bf's house. She just let her daughter do what her daughter felt she needed to do.

 

2 months later, her daughter was back home of her own volition. She realized the guy was a slob (both the mother and daughter are neat freaks lol), the two were always broke, she didn't have her mother to talk to - all of it was too much. She threw in the towel and decided to come home and the mother and daughter get along just fine now - even though the daughter hooked up with another guy my coworker didn't like earlier this year. The daughter fought for that guy too, but it didn't last nearly as long and didn't go so far as the daughter moving out. Her daughter was also more willing to listen to her mother this time around also.

 

 

This phase of your daughter's development may take you way past your comfort zone as a parent. From what I hear when talking to parents, that's par for the course most of the time. The success stories usually result because the parents let the phase run it's course. They set their ground rules - the teen either acquiesces or bucks against them. If the teen strikes out on their own, the parents just let 'em go. Either the teen stays out there indefinitely or comes back home.

 

She may or may not break up with the guy, but from the additional info you shared, the guy doesn't even seem like the heart of the problem anymore. Your daughter's trying to strike out on her own - every teen does that one way or another. SO...let her have the independence and all the personal responsibility that comes with that independence. It may help.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, re read some of the thread.. Your daughter is 20. Sorry to say this but she is a young adult, not a teen or a kid anymore. She is going to do what she's going to do, whether you like it or not. My concern for you is, if you continue treating her like a child, scolding her, and setting curfews, demanding to know where she is all the time, she's going to move out and right into his place. At her age, that's what they do if they don't like it at home. You're lucky she still lives at home, many that age want to move out and start their own life.

[lionqueen]

OMG FINALLY !! Thank you Thank you Thank you to everyone who sees my situation at last.. I understand that perhaps my feelings show even though I try my darndest to make sure they don't (maybe its TRYING so hard?)

 

I agree that she needs to grow up and start contributing.

 

I agree that I need to change my tack and maybe apologise for my judgements even if not spoken.

 

I will try this and see.. I think it would be good... and I definetely don't want to push her into his arms sooo I am gonna take the advice. I also think I have to have a serious talk about all this with my husband who is not very "present" in his daughter's life apart from as a disciplinarion.

 

Thank you so much !!!!

[pink_sugar]

Okay, re read some of the thread.. Your daughter is 20. Sorry to say this but she is a young adult, not a teen or a kid anymore. She is going to do what she's going to do, whether you like it or not. My concern for you is, if you continue treating her like a child, scolding her, and setting curfews, demanding to know where she is all the time, she's going to move out and right into his place. At her age, that's what they do if they don't like it at home. You're lucky she still lives at home, many that age want to move out and start their own life.

 

This EXACTLY why I moved out at 18 and my dad wondered why.