I can't stand my daughters bf

[lionqueen]

Please re-read what I said... we didn't DEMAND anything and DON'T... we simply asked her to let us know when she is coming in etc so we don't worry. She got the riot act read to her because my husband, seeing me in tears with worry at 2am when she hadn't returned, was I suppose being protective of me.

 

She has NO responsibilities probably because I don't and haven't given her any due to her horrible obscene rantings when I have asked for some help. I have probably taught her this behaviour by allowing it.

 

If she wants to move out she is welcome. We think it would be stupid but she's a young adult so whatever she decides we have no say.

 

In saying that, do parents have to just sit back and take disrespect etc in their own home just because someone has passed the age of 18 ???? I wasn't aware that age had anything to do with it or is that just ANOTHER excuse for young people to get away with their bad behaviour.

[turnera]

I also think I have to have a serious talk about all this with my husband who is not very "present" in his daughter's life apart from as a disciplinarion.

Just so you know, girls who grow up with a distant dad, pick distant husbands.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ok here goes.. at the beginning of the relationship she was disrespectful because we questioned her for being dishonest about where she was going when she had arranged to meet this guy at the beach at 7pm at night. She tried to say she was going to her gf house but I called her on it cos something didn't add up. Now, before you go jumping down my throat she is using MY car and the idea was dangerous so I just asked her to please text me when she got there and when she was on her way home. Well, she rolled up at home at 2.30am !!!!! I was worried sick as he was a stranger to her then (first meeting) and she HAD text me to say she was there and then I heard nothing further. Its OK to say they just met and they got carried away with the time... but 2.30am on the beach with someone she doesn't even know for heaven's sake. Needless to say I got very upset with her and so did her dad but only because she didn't have the courtesy to let us know she was ok !!! She then did the same thing again 2 more times. Now, as I said, I don't care if she wants to stay out until 4am but can you at least let the people that provide for you and you live with know so they don't worry about you especially seeing you are driving yourself.

When we have said something about this to her she is VERY disrespectful and uses foul language at me and her father and tells us its none of our business.

 

The first time she went to his house, we had NO contact from her whatsoever and we were expecting her home and had already started to panic a little when I get a message saying "just letting you know I am staying the night here"... that's fine but then the next day NO contact until the following evening again saying the same thing. Her father went ballistic and demanded that she come home and she refused. NOW do you all honestly think that seeing she lives at home, rent free, has free use of my car whenever she needs it etc that this is RESPECTING us.

 

How am I in denial ????? How am I treating her like a child!!! ... Its common courtesy to let people know whats going on so they don't worry and it doesnt muck up other peoples plans. For pity's sake, she comes and goes as she pleases, we haven't forbidden her anything, we haven't demanded she stop seeing the boy etc. We understand that is her choice but this is not a bed and breakfast where she just comes in stays, eats, uses the car, electricity, water etc and then leaves when she feels like it. She does NOTHING, no cleaning, washing, ironing, NOTHING at all. She gets everything paid for AND we are struggling for money as it is. She contributes NOTHING. So how am I bloody well accused of treating her like a child, and all the other things people have to say on here.

 

If she thinks she needs to be treated like an adult why doesn't she act like one!!!!!

 

and therefore,

 

if I am such a controlling witch why am I on here trying to make sure I DON"T hurt her and trying to ensure I don't ruin my relationship ????? OH and I don't mind whatever other details you wish me to state I am not shy only insensed by the insults and comments from everyone who ASSUMES they know me and how I behave but obviously don't care to help me with my actual problem.

 

 

While your own defensiveness already 'convicts' you of many of the charges against you in this court, you ARE making some good points with this (quoted post above).

 

HER defensiveness and reluctance to clue you in as to her plans and social experiments very likely result from your previous reactions to things similar.

 

No matter what you have read, m-m-m-m-MOST first-time meetings with online people go quite well.

 

Your requests of her at that point were fair, but your past actions likely condemned you to being out of the loop. LOTS of young women are perfectly willing to trade a little of their spontaneity in order to better influence their safety by telling (even) family members where they're going when first meeting an online person.

 

Her living at home, and the amount of rent you charge her, have exactly zero to do with this subject. Nor do her use of water and electricity. You need only explain that she lives at home, and we will do our best to assume that includes water, food, and electricity. Your reaching for such obvious substance again suggests that you are semi-desperate to avoid looking in the mirror for the culprit in all of this.

 

Keep in mind there are millions of young people all over creation entering into bad (eventually) live-in relationships just as a means of getting out of their parents' house.

 

Furthermore, this continues to NOT BE ABOUT your "own home". Your original start to this thread didn't even have a question. Instead it was an attempt to bait us all with the statement: "any comments?"

 

And then you basically denied just about any reasonable "comment" posted in response.

 

You've no doubt been reminded many times by now to resist impacting your daughter's relationship in any way for the best chance that she doesn't choose him over you. Just stay on that course and it may help effect the desired result.

[lionqueen]

I must be loopy I think. I simply explain that unlike many young adults living at home my daughter PAY NOTHING. Therefore surely we deserve some amount of respect and/or consideration.

 

Understand this:

 

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE INS AND OUTS OF HER PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

I HAVE NOT REACTED BADLY TO ANYTHING SIMILAR AS SHE HAS HAD NO RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE THIS ONE

I AM NOT BAITING ANYONE FOR ANSWERS ... I AM ACTUALLY ASKING FOR ADVICE WHICH IS I THOUGHT THE POINT OF THIS FORUM.

I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY IT IS NOT ABOUT THAT

I ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION ... HOW IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH MY FEELINGS SO THAT I DON'T RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP ???????

 

Why does everyone feel the need to pick everything I say apart to the nth degree.

 

Just when I feel like I know how to act I get some other person saying I have done everything wrong so far bla bla bla and no wonder she doesn't talk to you yadda yadda yadda.

 

Thats just not helpful to me is it !!!!!

[turnera]

Why does everyone feel the need to pick everything I say apart to the nth degree.

It's probably in the way you're interacting, lq. You come across as very reactive, very defensive, and more concerned about your appearance here than in listening and considering what is said. No one thinks you're a bad person, but they're wondering why you're spending more time defending yourself than discussing alternative approaches.

 

And I imagine if this is your personality, it may be a cause of stress between you and your daughter.

[RiverRunning]

It's probably in the way you're interacting, lq. You come across as very reactive, very defensive, and more concerned about your appearance here than in listening and considering what is said. No one thinks you're a bad person, but they're wondering why you're spending more time defending yourself than discussing alternative approaches.

 

And I imagine if this is your personality, it may be a cause of stress between you and your daughter.

 

 

This, OP. You explode into a fit of defensive rage and start attacking people who are trying to give you advice - or at least perspectives on the damage that a certain mindset can do. You want everyone to agree with you, no matter what. I can only conclude how you handle situations based on your behavior here and the behavior of those around you.

 

Your daughter has some sorting out to be done. No job? At the very least, she can go out and be a clerk in a store somewhere. I wouldn't tolerate a 20-year-old child who has no job, doesn't do any housework and doesn't pay a dime for anything. That needs to change, and you and your husband need to try and make a united front on that as much as possible. If you continue to tolerate it, it will continue to happen.

 

I won't disagree that staying out so late without a phone call is disrespectful. But that is a separate issue here - the argument's about her boyfriend, right?

 

Make an effort to get to know him. I am concerned because you so vehemently justify the, "I am her mother, I can be worried about her" mentality. To an extent, this is normal. But after a while, it starts to appear enmeshing. Yes, I think that you and your daughter are enmeshed: I do suspect that you tolerate her not working, not helping out around the house, etc., because it gives you license to 'worry' incessantly about her. After all, you let her get away with so many other things, right?

 

The boyfriend is, from my vantage point, the least of your worries.

[lionqueen]

Ok so I appreciate all the actual advice about how to handle my feelings about not feeling the bf is good for her.

 

I am sick of people judging my "character" by what I write on here. As few of you seem to be able to grasp... I HAVEN'T vocalised or believe acted in any way that would cause my daughter to think I don't like her bf. Any discussions we have had are regarding her behaviour at home and disrespect and lack of consideration NOT about her bf.

 

I am new to these feelings as I have said because it is her FIRST bf and I wanted advice on how to sort them out so I DON't do all the things that I am being accused of already doing.

 

How can you give a person advice based on how you IMAGINE they behave for heaven's sake!!!... I have laid it all out here in black and white but everyone is talking about my personality etc. This is anonymous forum where people are supposed to feel comfortable being honest. Well how can that happen if when you are honest you get judged???????

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What if it isn't outside "judgment" that is bringing you down?

 

 

What if instead it is the light being shone onto any guilt you have already formed inside which has you so riled-up here?

 

 

The best thing you could do to effect the outcome that YOU want would be to sincerely draw your daughter's interests toward other parts of life while at the same time not commenting or passing judgment on her relationship.

 

 

IF she were to suddenly find a job that she liked, and which caused her to meet lots of new people, she would be far more inclined to thrive outwardly and perHAPS end the present relationship. (particularly if allowed to do so at her own pace)

[lionqueen]

Sincere Online Guy !! That makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

In fact, she has applied for another job today which is in retail so if she gets it her time will be limited anyway so maybe things will fizzle out or not but that's exactly what I wanted... stop the obsession and get a life other than the bf !!

[turnera]

I have laid it all out here in black and white but everyone is talking about my personality etc. This is anonymous forum where people are supposed to feel comfortable being honest. Well how can that happen if when you are honest you get judged???????

lq, why do you get so upset by what a bunch of anonymous people tell you they see in you? Psychologically speaking, we usually get most worked up about things that hit home with us, subconsciously. It's usually a great indicator on what we know, deep down, we need to look at. So I'll suggest you take the comments in the vein in which they were intended - to HELP YOU.

 

I usually tell people, if 99 people in a room see a purple cow, and 1 person sees a brown cow, it's a good bet that cow is purple. If lots of people are seeing the reactive in you, it's a good bet you're a reactive person. Look at all the exclamation points you use.

 

Now, that said, you came here with an issue with your daughter and her bf. We advised you on ways to make it as tenable as possible, ways that YOU can control, since you can't control anything THEY do. You haven't even discussed all the great advice. What are you going to do with it?

 

Now, a LOT of that advice revolved around you taking a look at yourself (since that's all you can control) and being honest with yourself on what your own actions and reactions are regarding your daughter. At her age, you can't make her care about you or do what you want any more. All you can do is be the kind of mother she WANTS to be around. That means looking at YOUR actions, not HERS. If you were 20, what would you want YOUR mom to be like around you? Be that person.

[lionqueen]

"turnera" .. thanks for the reply.

 

I have looked at all the advice and some have been really harsh and judgemental towards me.. I am not "reactive" but perhaps "sensitive" and I wasn't prepared to be judged by a lot of anonymous people who do not know me.

 

I took the advice of one of these people and had a talk to my daughter and said to her.... " I think I may have been judging your bf a little harshly and I feel bad about that. It came more from YOUR behaviour and my frustration with YOU and I am sorry. He seems a nice enough boy and if he is good to you then we are happy." ....

 

For everyone's information her response was this ... "Oh mum, I didn't even know you felt that way towards him, I thought you were just angry with me coz I haven't been very nice to you all !!!!! "

 

Just in case people who said I was making things up and that insisted that I must SHOW how I feel etc needed some proof !!

 

Anyway, I found that I feel much better now that I have taken the focus off the bf ... and she was much happier when they left yesterday. AND she applied for quite a few jobs this week so things may be turning around.

 

Thank you to all those who gave useful advice and were nice enough not to judge me too harshly.

[MuscleCarFan]

"turnera" .. thanks for the reply.

 

I have looked at all the advice and some have been really harsh and judgemental towards me.. I am not "reactive" but perhaps "sensitive" and I wasn't prepared to be judged by a lot of anonymous people who do not know me.

 

I took the advice of one of these people and had a talk to my daughter and said to her.... " I think I may have been judging your bf a little harshly and I feel bad about that. It came more from YOUR behaviour and my frustration with YOU and I am sorry. He seems a nice enough boy and if he is good to you then we are happy." ....

 

For everyone's information her response was this ... "Oh mum, I didn't even know you felt that way towards him, I thought you were just angry with me coz I haven't been very nice to you all !!!!! "

 

Just in case people who said I was making things up and that insisted that I must SHOW how I feel etc needed some proof !!

 

Anyway, I found that I feel much better now that I have taken the focus off the bf ... and she was much happier when they left yesterday. AND she applied for quite a few jobs this week so things may be turning around.

 

Thank you to all those who gave useful advice and were nice enough not to judge me too harshly.

 

It's good to know that things are turning out better.

[turnera]

Sensitive is not necessarily a good thing, lq. I hope you can learn to be less sensitive; life would be a lot easier.

 

Good for you for talking to your daughter.

[anna6543]

Lionqueen,

 

I hope things are going better with your daughter. I can totally relate to what you are going through and this thread has been incredibly useful to me.

 

My daughter is 18 and has been in a serious relationship for about 8 months, and is behaving just like your daughter. We had a huge fight about a week ago when she disobeyed her curfew and stayed out all night with her bf. She was always a really good kid, and we were very close, but as soon as she is with her bf he is all that matters and her behaviour is disrespectful and hateful towards me.

 

Her bf has no interest in helping her keep to curfews and I have been in fairly regular conflict with the pair of them over this. She is still at school so I feel she needs to follow some basic house rules- but he is at university so regards himself as a free man I guess and I think he is quite a rebel in his own way.

 

I was ok with the relationship at the beginning, but I have some pretty negative feelings towards him now. Actually- after the out all night incident my feelings about him changed to total hatred. But I know I have no choice but to keep my feelings under control and try and get emotional distance on my daughter's life. For all I know they could stay together, and I can't afford to make an enemy of him at this stage. He is talking about marriage, and they are quite well suited in many ways.

 

Sigh. This stage of life is just so incredibly hard. Grief is my predominant feeling these days- grief for my children leaving the nest, grief for the happiness I might have had if I had not stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids, grief for my youth. I was wondering today how it is that so many women do manage this stage of life gracefully when so much of it feels so bad.

[turnera]

anna, what are her consequences for dishonoring her curfew?

[anna6543]

Turnera, no consequences. I have lost any control I ever had over her. I did threaten to throw her out (I was so angry) but all that did was unite them against me. She leaves for university herself in a few months so she will be completely independent soon, and in her head I think she is already gone.

[turnera]

Bullshyte. Your house, your rules. No matter how much longer she has. Change the locks on the house; if she wants in, she can come in when you are awake and the doors are unlocked. If she wants to use your car, she can wash it first before you give her the keys. If she wants to have friends over, she will clean the house first or you will turn her friends away at the door. If she calls you a name, she doesn't get the car for a week. On and on.

 

If you are not doing this, then it's because you're too scared to do it.

 

Be the adult.

[anna6543]

Well, no, I am not too scared lol. I have been a strict parent and always followed through with consequences when rules were broken. And she was an exceptionally compliant child and gave me little trouble. Until now!

 

At a certain age a child just doesn't respect a parents authority anymore-a necessary part of becoming an adult I guess. She is at that point and I just can't see the point of fighting her anymore. If I continue to fight her she will just leave and live at her boyfriends, and I would rather that didn't happen. I would rather she lived at home while she finished the least couple of months of school. When a child is old enough to leave, and would rather leave than follow the rules, believe me there is really nothing you can do to exert control over that child. If she was 15/16 I would clamp right down on her, but at 18 she is an adult.

 

I expect she will have more respect for me once she is out fending for herself in the real world and she will be doing that very soon. Until then - nothing to do but ride out the storm.

Edited September 14, 2012 by anna6543

[turnera]

anna, no offense, but she NEEDS to leave and live with her boyfriend. Trust me. You are giving in at exactly the wrong time.