My mother is so hurtful

[KraftDinner]

My mom's always been selfish but we've crossed a serious line here.

 

I have a back story with my ex...not linking it because I'm on my phone and can't figure out how! Long story short, my last relationship lasted 9.5 years and in the last year, I found out he'd essentially been lying for years...doing drugs behind my back, running around as if he were single.

 

The details really don't matter, but suffice it to say, I was in hell last year. He hurt me so much, I was absolutely devastated. So unhappy. I've never felt so low. We broke up a while ago.

 

About six months ago, I started seeing a new guy. He's wonderful. I've never felt so lucky and he treats me like a queen and all I want to do is be good to him...we have both been through hell and appreciate each other so much. It's amazing.

 

The problem is my mother. She's being absolutely terrible.

 

My parents live over 10 hours away and I haven't introduced them to him. My mom is just being dreadful.

 

"Are you still with THAT GUY?" She knows his name. Just being a total b1tch.

 

I asked why she has a terrible attitude about him. She doesn't give a crap that I'm happy. She just doesn't care. She's scared or something because she doesn't like change and she's treating me like garbage.

 

She didn't even like my ex so I just don't get it.

 

I've told her how good he is to me. He listens, tells me he appreciates me, is affectionate, is reliable, educated, doesn't party, is smart and makes me laugh all the time.

 

She doesn't care.

 

I straight up asked her one time. The conversation:

 

Me: what is your big problem with him?

Her: I feel like he's muscling in on our family (our family consists of me and my parents. No aunts uncles cousins grandparents -- and my parents are seniors)

Me: what on earth does that mean?

Her: I don't know. I don't like him.

Me: you've never even met him.

Her: it doesn't matter.

Me: don't you care how good he is to me?

Her: why is he so great?

Me: (listing the reasons I did above)

Her: (dismissively) oh, they're all nice at first.

Me: not like this. Why are you being so awful?

Her: I don't like it.

Me: well, that's too bad. He takes care of me. Don't you want someone to take care of me? I'm not going to stay single to make you more comfortable. Besides, do you want me to end up alone?

Her: oh, I don't care about that.

 

Uhhh, ok...that sorta ended that conversation.

 

I know my parents think I hop from guy to guy. Uhhhh, okay...my last relationship lasted 9.5 years, the one before that 8 years. I am NOT impulsive and aside from my ex screwing me over, have really only been involved with decent people.

 

So to know they think so little of my judgment hurts me more than I can say.

 

Oh, here's the best bit: so my mom goes on to facebook to creep my new guy. Like absolutely everyone else I know, his 'about' section doesn't list every single school he's ever gone to...just his high school (same as mine, and I have over 7 years of post-sec.

 

He is a nurse. He went to nursing school. He gets dressed in scrubs every day and goes to work.

 

But my mom decides he's been lying to me.

 

"He's not a nurse, you know."

Me: what???

Her: I looked him up. He's a liar.

Me: what on earth are you talking about?

Her: on his facebook it says he's only been to high school.

Me: wtf!!! (My mind is totally blown)

 

She thinks my judgment is so screwed up, I'm blind and stupid and naïve. She's insane -- again, other than my ex living a double life, I DON'T have a pattern of bad choices. AND I never even told her about that (I was humiliated, told like 3 people). So she's completely out to lunch on this.

 

My friends think she's jealous of me. It's possible...when I hit puberty I was pretty decent-looking (not bragging so please don't think that) and well-liked by boys. Had lots of guys calling me. Dated like 2 of them. I was NOT slutty, trashy, ditzy. Anyway, she took every opportunity to cut me down. She was chubby when she was young and not popular with guys as a teen. I was thin, blond and I guess cute and I think she resented that. She acted like I was one of the popular girls who had picked on her back in the day.

 

There was this one girl I knew back when I was younger who was chubby who picked on me. She spread rumours about me, insulted me, just made me feel horrible. I told my mom and she acted like I was at fault, that I had been mean to her cuz she was chubby. Uh, no...I've NEVER been like that in my life, EVER.

 

So yeah, she's not so nice. But this crosses a line. I have something really good in my life (and yes, it is good, not just some naïve fantasy...all my friends are so happy for me and say I seem happy and can't believe how my mom is acting).

 

She's being absolutely awful. All my life I've tried so hard to help my parents - we've had a role-reversal thing going on. I've leant them money and bought them things they needed, including a new roof.

 

I think I'm done. My dad's a decent guy but basically a doormat.

 

This is hurting me so much and I'm DONE trying to candy-coat my life to get her approval. I've wasted so much time with that.

 

I love her. I really do. But I sure don't like her much anymore. This makes me so sad.

 

Anyway, they're probably coming to town in a couple weeks. My mom's going to act as if meeting him/me bringing him when we all go for dinner or what have you is a ridiculous imposition on them and that I'm being immature for needing to be with him. Like I should only exist to be their daughter, and having a life of my own is silly.

 

She's being awful. I barely call anymore. I just don't need that in my life. But part of me feels I'll regret curbing my relationship with them in the long run.

 

Am I so wrong for wanting a fantastic guy in my life? This makes me want to cry. Why do I have to choose between my mom and a perfectly acceptable, loving, decent guy???

 

Is it wrong to think of cutting her out of my life?

[whichwayisup]

Your mom isn't expressing what's really bothering her. And that is, she's so afraid that this guy will hurt and betray you like your ex did. 9 years is a long time to be with someone that you love and trust, only to find out they weren't the person you thought they were. Your ex is sick in the head to do that to you and your mom, as much as a pain in the ass that she is right now, is terrified that this guy will do the same thing to you. Of course it's not coming out that way, she's treating you badly and picking fights, being naggy but she does care.

 

Has she always had trouble expressing how she feels?

 

Don't cut her out of your life, just set up boundries that she cannot cross with you. As soon as she gets naggy and goes off on one of her rants, tell her calmly that you're going to hang up the phone if she doesn't stop. Or just change the subject/ignore her. Your reacting fuels her, makes her go on and on even more. Try it and see if the dynamic changes in your favour.

 

You only have one mom and one dad.. And they only have you. Don't throw it all away over a guy you've only known for 6 months. I'm not defending her behaviour, but if you put yourself in her shoes, imagine how scared she is that another guy is going to hurt you. Sure she's bossy and all, controlling but in time she'll come around.

 

Hope this helps.

[amaysngrace]

What you should do is make plans for the two of you to get to your parents house. I know you said they are coming to you but you both should go to them because that is what's proper.

 

I don't think that your mom is jealous of you or anything like that. She is probably just feeling neglected by you and maybe even a little bit disappointed in you.

 

Go there and make things right.

[KathyM]

I don't know if it's jealousy or that she doesn't trust your judgement with men if you've spent the last 9 years with a deadbeat, but regardless of the reason, I'd suggest you limit the conversations about him to your mother. You seem to be trying too hard to get her to like/approve of him, and you really don't need her approval on this. If you think he's a great guy and your mother has no valid reason for being concerned about him, then just avoid talking about him with her. And spend some time alone with your parents when they come to visit. I'm sure they'd like to visit with their daughter without always having the boyfriend there. To them, this is just another guy, and they don't know if he's going to be in your life for that long or what, so to them, they don't really see any reason to warm up to him at this point. So when they come to visit, arrange to spend time with them alone, and introduce the boyfriend without a lot of expectations from your parents.

[Almond_Joy]

Her mother is an adult, but because she's the mom she gets coddled?

 

I do not agree. OP deserves a little respect too! If she has to set some boundaries in the relationship with her mom to get it, so be it.

 

My mom wasn't as bad as yours, but she used to give every guy I saw the 3rd degree...which in and of itself isn't really a bad thing, but adding that to:

 

-Always having something derogatory to say about the guy - AND ME for being with the guy.

 

-Trying to intimidate my boyfriends (all of 2 in about 10 yrs, mind you) by shutting down any attempt they made to really converse with her - all she wanted to do was grill them, they didn't get to ask any questions to get to know her or share what they wanted about themselves.

 

-Never having a sensical reason for the dislike of the guy

 

made me miserable and feeling torn between two people I loved all the time.

 

Like Kathy mentioned, the situation stayed like this because I wanted my mom's approval. She knew that, and she also knew that as long as she didn't approve, in a way she would always get something to go her way because I'd put her desires above mine.

 

There's no need for her to be so disrespectful of you, or to harp on a man she knows nothing about.

 

KathyM gave some great tips - I ended up doing most of them. I stopped mentioning anything about my relationships to my mom unless she directly asked.

 

When my mom started harping about the man, I'd ask her to stop because the criticism's unwarranted. If she couldn't stop after that, I would advise her that I'm not going to talk to her about my relationships if all she's going to do is put me down, and the conversation would end - I'd no longer participate. She didn't like that at all, but she stopped relentlessly criticizing me and my boyfriends.

 

I don't remember what exactly I said that started the conversations - I think I just told her how angry it makes me when she puts me down and the guys in my life. I also pointed out that for the most part I'm a good daughter - I felt like I was exploiting that fact, but it was the truth. I pointed out that I do defer to her, I ask for her opinion, I usually at that time took her advice, and I always try to respect her boundaries - but when I ask her for the same she couldn't deliver. Why? She didn't have an answer, and her behavior started to change after that.

 

 

Instead of making snide remarks about how much time I spent with my bf, she'd just say she'd like to spend more time with me.

 

If I told her about something I handled in the relationship, she'd wait for me to ask for her opinion. If she didn't she wouldn't harp on her point until I agreed to do things her way like she used to.

 

My current bf did not get the third degree when he and my mom first met. As a result, she got to find out a lot about his family and personal values that she wouldn't have gotten from her usual third degree, and likes my current bf very much - first time I ever got my mom's approval lol.

 

And I love the relationship I have with my mom now - it's so much more open and straightforward.

 

I mean how to go about this varies for each daughter, because every mother's temperament is different, but for me, the action that fixed the problem was essentially making it known that I expect the respect I give, and that I would no longer tolerate anything less. As a self-sufficient adult, that's not too much to ask of your parents.

 

I hope this perspective helps.

[pink_sugar]

Sometimes there is no pleasing your parents. For me it's the opposite. Been with my H for over 6 years, my dad still makes remarks about him. Next time he says something I'm going to flat out tell him I am done hearing it and he needs to keep it to himself if he wants me to continue visiting him. As long as your man treats you right, that's what matters. Tell your mom it's your life, your choice and if she cannot accept it and keep her opinions to herself, you will not visit or talk to her.

[MuscleCarFan]

With a crazy b*tch mother like that you are better off just cutting her out of your life. No need to deal with toxic assh@les.

[RiverRunning]

Does everyone have a parent who has the hallmarks of mental disease? Not as familiar with other related disorders but I see at least a few narcissistic red flags here.

 

It wouldn't shock me if your mom is jealous of you - sure, I bet more mothers feel jealous of their daughters than they care to admit - but this is more than just a little fleeting jealousy.

 

How cruel and awful that when you needed a sympathetic ear, your ex's deceit was somehow twisted to become a personal failing of your own. As though you should have -known- what was going on.

 

The sad truth is...we can't always predict what people will do. Decent people have affairs, get into drugs, etc. - it's not like most people walk around with a sign saying "I do drugs" on their foreheads. It's not that easy, and it seems that your mom expects you should have had that premonition.

 

I can understand a sense of fear on her part - she may to some extent be worried that this guy will wind up hurting you (in her mind, she probably sees the years you spent with your exes as 'wasted.' By sabotaging your relationship early, she probably thinks she's doing a favor, i.e.: "She only spent 6 months on this guy, and not 8 or 9 years, therefore, I protected her.")

 

Her attempts to spy on him strongly suggest that. On some level, your mom may be thinking, "I am going to protect my daughter and get this guy out of the picture." Maybe she wants you to be a little more protective of yourself. In any case, that's something that has to be figured out.

 

I do think it's fair to have a sit-down with them and talk to them. I would say something like, "I get the feeling that you think he is going to wind up hurting me like (ex) did. I want you to know that I am going into this slowly and I am taking precautions to take care of myself. I hope that you and dad will meet him and give him a fair chance, though."

 

Maybe suggest dinner...a quick get-together so that you can quickly take your exit strategy if things turn foul. If she can't be polite to him, the entire deal's off, though.

 

In that case, I would limit contact and train her like a dog. If she calls and wants to rant about him, state your limit once: "I don't want you to talk about him like that. I have to go." Then you hang up. Every time this happens, you hang up or leave. No explanation needed - just, "I have to go." She should know what that means.

 

If she has any hopes of a relationship with you, she will start learning this is not acceptable.

[KraftDinner]

Thanks all.

 

I've been really patient the last couple days and I had some very careful conversations with her.

 

Anyway, long story short, she's ridiculously unreasonable. My dad agrees.

 

But she asked me why I care what she thinks? Good point. But I dunno. It would be nice for her to be supportive (my dad's being good).

 

Guess that's a pipedream. That sucks.

 

But they're coming here next week! So they'll meet him. And seriously, if she doesn't like him, she's crazy, haha! Most mothers would kill for their daughters to be with such a great guy! Lol, true story.

 

It sucks having such an unhappy, miserable mother. I care about her but trying to deal with her emotions is draining me. I'm finally getting to the place where I see I just need to give up! So that's okay I guess.

[bluegreen]

"In that case, I would limit contact and train her like a dog. If she calls and wants to rant about him, state your limit once: "I don't want you to talk about him like that. I have to go." Then you hang up. Every time this happens, you hang up or leave. No explanation needed - just, "I have to go." She should know what that means.

 

If she has any hopes of a relationship with you, she will start learning this is not acceptable"

 

 

Love the idea big thumbs up and I tried something similar and you know what after hell of few fights nasty words and so on it kind of took a root now our relationship is just about s... out totally

BUT I feel bit more in "control" of my life and my decisions more peacefulness and self assurance and that's one hell of the good a feeling.

Try it out after all what have you got to loose ?

[KraftDinner]

Reviving an old thread here.

 

Just venting.

 

I feel so frustrated. I grew up with no sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins. Mostly because my mom cuts everyone out of her life with any perceived slight.

 

Anyway, my mom is very dismissive of my relationship with my guy. It doesn't affect my relationship with him in any way, but it sure affects my relationship with HER. This hurts me a lot. My parents are getting older and my mom is in terrible health and she keeps pushing me away. Basically calls me ridiculous for wanting to be in a relationship. She's so frustrating I want to scream sometimes.

 

So instead, I'm posting here. Haha. That's it.