Ways to overcome Retroactive Jealousy?

[cl3]

I feel like I can't forgive my bf for his past with his ex, and even told him this.. Maybe I don't want to. We have something great together.. He's my best friend and has supported me so much. I just have this lingering pain that won't go away.

We were online friends, and I always kinda liked him.. Then he left to try to make it in asia, because his parents wanted him to. While he was there, he met his ex and when the attempts at the career failed, his parents abandoned him. So he lived with her for over a year, doing nothing towards his career or for his future, because he didn't want to return to the US. I feel so disappointed that he did that, & think he wasted his young life with this older woman.

He's a shy & nice guy. Before he left for asia, he never had any sexual experience.. B/c he went there, he got so much attention from girls (he's handsome, but wasn't so popular b/c he's asian).. it also annoys me that after he & his ex broke up, he hooked up with one of the students in his english class he taught.

 

I, on the other hand.. Never had a bf before him. I lost my virginity, kiss, everything to a terrible guy who tricked me.. I didn't have a real relationship with anyone. I really wanted my first to last, just b/c he was my first.

When my bf & I met, we were both virgins.. I remember he'd tell me he was waiting for the right girl, b/c he's already waited so long.. So I was disappointed when he told me about how he lost it.. He said he loved "manhandling his woman" and that he did it continuously, like 8 times in a day, so much his pelvis hurt. This was while we were still just friends & he came back to the US.. I felt turned off, that's all.

 

We met in person last summer, and we ended up having sex (although I didn't plan it) After that, we kept seeing each other. We were casual at first, and I have asked him things about his sex life.. And the answer upset me. I know it's my fault for asking him at the time, I guess I can't help but remember when we talked when he'd never done anything yet.. I was hoping he could still have those new experiences with me.

As for me, all I had were casual hookups when I really wanted a boyfriend.. I felt seriously damaged by my first, so I was scared of a new relationship.

It hurts.. b/c he really enjoyed it with his ex. I've never orgasmed with anyone else but him, never enjoyed it with anyone else.. But he has. He's the only one I've had. I can't help but feel I'd love him more if I met him when we were both virgins, if we just met earlier..

 

I've gone over this problem time & time again.. I feel it won't go away, like a constant shadow over our relationship. Nothing he said helped, like how he loved me not her, and enjoyed things with her.. He even said he wished I was his first, and that he didn't leave the US so we could've met..

 

But I can't help but feel like I'm just his second. I can't help but compare myself.. Thinking the things he has done with me, he's done with her. It's to the point where certain images, etc easily trigger these bad feelings. When I have sex with him, I can't help but think he did it to her.. I don't feel special at all. He's gone out with someone else, and I hate how he even lived with her.

 

I think it's because he's the only one I've had.. But I'm not his only. It breaks my heart.. I even was about to break up over this. I talked to him about this, but it's like I want him to respond a certain way, like bad-talk her like how I do to my first.. But he's not that kinda person, and I'm being controlling.. I feel like he stands up with her, like when I said there are a lot of easy girls out there, or called her stupid, he said she wasn't like that. When I said she was ugly, could he really think she was cute, he asked "is that a bad thing?'' I got so pissed off when he responded like this.

 

To make matters worse, I found pictures of them making out half a year ago.. I still have it imprinted in my mind. I even hate that hat he has because he wore it in those pics with her. When we took pics, he never kissed me like that. And he took more than 1 with that same damn pose.. He got rid of the pics when I mentioned them & said he didn't remember them. But I still feel so hurt.

 

I never expected to feel this way. At first, we were just casual, I didn't care.. nor did I let myself care much. But the more I fell for him, the more hurt I felt deep down. I don't know what to do anymore.

Edited August 21, 2012 by cl3

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I'd get some therapy. This is like the 5th time you have posted this exact same dilema, the 2nd today. There's no magic pill, especially to be found online, that will fix this issue for you.

 

Go talk to a professional in real-life.

[Madman81]

If you want to save your relationship, you need to recognize this as YOUR PROBLEM. Not the problem of both of you. YOUR PROBLEM. You need to stop bringing it up with him. Period. Full stop. His life is his life, his past is his past, and it can't be changed. He owes you neither an explanation nor an apology for choices he made in his life before he entered into a committed relationship with you, as long as he's STD-free.

 

Next, you need to find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve him. Speak to a counsellor ON YOUR OWN -- not with him. Because, again, this isn't his problem. It's yours.

 

Mark my words -- if you keep bringing this up, and probably if you don't get some help to deal with it, it will poison your relationship and probably end it.