Goodbye letters? Good or bad idea

[Hobbit]

Has this helped anyone move on?

[InAFog]

To write - yes, for yourself.

To send - probably not. Then you will both get back into the

wanting to and waiting for replies and responses. It could

restart the whole cycle.

[SuperGeek]

Don't send it whatever you do. It's not worth it. Sending a goodbye letter is just another way to communicate and to keep hanging on to a relationship.

 

If you're male and sending this to a female, she will respect you less. Much much less.

 

Go NC and don't look back. Give anyone/anything more attention than your ex. It deserves it more than your ex does.

 

If possible remove this ex from your life completely as well. Remove their friends too if they are too connected to this ex. Sometimes surgery is required to remove bad tissue, this situation is no different.

 

SuperGeek

[InAFog]

This may be a contradiction to what i just said, and i do stand by that.

 

but i don't necessarily agree supergeek. it would not make me respect

a man less to receive such a letter. It would still be nice to know that

they had cared. will always care. but right after a break up its too much.

it will just seem like a reconciliation hope. and like i said, restart a cycle.

 

it would have to be a looooong time, after each was over the breakup and

had moved forward that it would be any good to send.

[Gaprofitt]

Has this helped anyone move on?

 

 

I keep a journal, I write in it all the time. It's all stuff i'd love to share with my wife who has left but never will. It really helps me to write it out, I write out things she has done to me I will never understand, I write out my feelings both positive and negative. I write out stuff that makes me angry, sad, happy, I just put it all down. My counselor suggested this as well as writing out things i'm working on and my progress.

 

Greg

[Blastoplast]

Don't send it, but feel free to write one.

 

I wrote out basically all the positive and negative things about my EX that were on my mind and when I looked at the letter and carefully read through it -- turns out there was a lot of negatives I ignored and it makes me feel alot better about our breakup. Something deep down inside me feels that we'll get back together some day, but I can't allow that to happen until she fixes her personal demons.

 

Just write the letter, read it out loud to yourself. Then put it away in a box, or look at it again a few months down the road and re-evaluate how you feel. Either way, you're going to feel better for doing it, IMO

[Hobbit]

Ive written one out, nothing negative in it, thanking her for making me the man I am today, thanking her for my son, wishing her well, and a quote from 'Dont Cry' by GNR

 

Note that she dumped me because she didnt love me anymore. All that "I've changed" cliche BS

 

Cant do no contact because of my son, but am doing limited contact instead

 

This is more to let her know that Ive finally accepted that its over. Im not expecting any sort of reply, Im past that stage now

 

Still think I shouldnt send it? thoughts please?

[TaraMaiden]

That's as double no.

 

If you see her occasionally, what stops you looking her in the eye and telling her that?

 

In this scenario, that would be more powerful than a letter...

she would probably even think - "I see him x times a month - why couldn't he say this to my face?!"

 

Verbal is better than written, action is better than verbal.

Show her hat you mean, through your considerate actions.

 

And tell her.

It will do far more than words on paper.

 

Trust me.

[Hobbit]

Difficult to talk about it face to face, she wont discuss or let me talk about our relationship. To date I still know nothing other than "I love you but Im not in love with you anymore". She cant even fully justify the breakup to herself let alone me.

 

I thought that by writing this letter it showed that I do still care for her but realise now we can never be what we once was.

 

Bugger! I appreciate your advice but am still uncertain

[woodbeez]

Difficult to talk about it face to face, she wont discuss or let me talk about our relationship. To date I still know nothing other than "I love you but Im not in love with you anymore". She cant even fully justify the breakup to herself let alone me.

 

you deserve a reason, but if she isn't willing to give you one, don't force her. just try to accept it. much easier said than done, of course. but I tend to believe that forcing it doesn't work.

 

I wrote a letter because the girl in my story broke up with me over the phone, refusing to meet because "it'll only hurt you more". I believe that it is basic to meet a person face-to-face when breaking up, also to hear his side, to hug and say "no". the letter wasn't a goodbye one but rather an apology, a demonstration of my feelings and asking for another chance. as expected it did not help, but it confirmed, for me, the finiteness of her decision. I was "OK" for two days, then just got really sad.

 

still am, but it gets easier with time. my advice to you is to give her time, and that means going LC or NC. if you decide to write a letter, decide which kind of letter it will be; goodbye or one last try. I may be an hopeless romantic, maybe even foolish because my long tear-drenched letter didn't help me, but if that's what you need for "closure" (with a little ray of light), I'd say do it. but if you want to write a "goodbye - I'm letting you go" letter, by all means - write it but don't send it. send it to a friend, post it here, but don't send her. as HAL 2000 told Dave: "this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye".

Edited August 24, 2012 by woodbeez

[woodbeez]

woopsy, double post.

[Renard99]

I agree with everyone else. Write it, you'll feel better for letting it out, but don't send it.

 

I both wrote one and, stupidly, gave it to her (well, left it on the side for her to see prior to her moving out). I remember feeling like a weight was being lifted whilst writing, as if it was a way of convincing myself that her mind was made up and this was the end. However, after giving it to her I immediately felt weak. I felt like I'd poured my heart out and she still didn't care. I had no where left to go from that from an emotional point of view. I'd scraped the bottom of the barrel and it still hadn't changed a thing which made me feel worthless.

 

I didn't see it at the time, but looking back on it now I can also see it was also a veiled attempt at reconciliation. Almost as if to say, 'look, I'm an emotional and sensitive guy still, please will you reconsider', which thinking back on now, must have made me look pathetic.

 

By all means, write things down, even if it's just a temporary diary during your recovery, but don't let her see any of it. As TaraMaiden's signature says, 'closure is like vomit. It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system' but just remember, when you do vomit, it's best not to do it over someone!

[TaraMaiden]

That's worth using - !!