Not sure I can do this anymore

[Noodles80]

Hi, I'm new here and just wanted to get some other opinions about my situation. My apologies if something like this has been posted before. Bear with me as this is a bit of a long read!

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and a half years and we've been in a LDR for the past 1 and a half years. We're both 26 and he moved 6 hours away after he graduated from college. The reason why he moved away was to live with his parents while he applies for graduate school, the goal was for him to be accepted at the school I'm currently at so we can be together, but things haven't been working that way at all.

 

My boyfriend has only seen me once since he moved away in 2010 and he keeps using excuses like work, family (which I don't hold against him as it's his family), or his car needs repairs and he can't make the 6 hour drive. I've offered to drive to see him myself, take a bus, and even meet him halfway so he doesn't have to drive the whole distance, but each time my suggestions were shot down with excuses. Currently we talk maybe once or twice a week because of his busy schedule with work, applying for grad school, etc.

 

He was supposed to see me this week but once again was unable to do it. I'm at my wits end with the whole thing, but I love him and don't really want to leave him, I just don't know if I'll ever see him again or if he's just done with me. I've texted him several times in the past few days asking him to make time out of his busy schedule to talk about our relationship but he hasn't responded. I've gone through every emotion from extreme sadness to extreme anger and I'm just tired.

 

I feel I must state that I don't think he's cheating on me, but that's always a possibility I suppose. What should I do? Should I just keep waiting for him to finally have time to see me or should I end it and move on? Please let me know what you think, and thank you for reading this.

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

 

I would send him the following message (or something along those lines):

 

You are released from your current commitment to me. I wish you well.

Please acknowledge receipt.

 

(last sentence just to make sure he read it)

 

This is because of the following reasons:

- a guy in love WANTS to spend time with you

- a guy has sexual needs, don't you think? Or is he asexual?

- he's making no effort at all in over 2 years, and inbetween there were holidays, I'm sure

- he can live without you and pretty well, it seems

 

Based on all that, I know I wouldn't be able to waste my whole life on him.

[Noodles80]

You're right, he should want to spend time with me if he loves me, and sadly he seems to be doing just fine without me. People close to me have brought up the possibility of him cheating on me because him not willing to see me simply doesn't make sense, you should make time for the people you love and care about. I know now what I need to do, but I'm dreading the heartache.

[justwhoiam]

I don't want to underestimate your feelings... but it's not like being with someone or hearing from someone every day. Once a week for 2 years. Really? Well, I'm sure there were times when you heard from him more... Still it seems he got into a habit not to keep in touch with you. Especially, a 6-hour drive is nothing. You were really sweet, offering to meet him half way and so on. But honestly, it's good you didn't decide for a surprise visit... you never know what you would have found out.

[EllieGirl77]

One time in a year and a half? I don't know how you dealt with it that long! I mean, yes - there are issues - sometimes it's really hard to see each other, or almost impossible - but where there is a will, there is a way. If he sincerely cared about you, he would at least have tried to make plans to see you. It seems like you tried several times and he wasn't interested. Honestly, if you have only seen someone once in a year and a half and barely talk on the phone I don't think you can call it a relationship. I have acquaintances I have more contact with than that, and I'm sure you do too.

 

I think you've wasted enough time with him, you deserve to be giving that energy to someone that deserves it and who at least will make an effort. It may hurt a bit, but consider this - you have been going on with your life really without him involved for a year and a half, you can definitely move on and bounce back

 

PS - I agree with justwhoiam, a man has sexual needs and that is usually a pretty strong motivator to see their girlfriend, it would be pretty hard to believe he's just been celibate for the past year and a half - unless you two regularly went several months with no intimate contact in the previous 3 years?

[Noodles80]

I think he did get into a habit of not keeping regular contact with me. It started out with talking several times a week and lots of Skype meetings, then he got busy and it dwindled down to what it is now, talking just a few times a week. I've brought up how I don't like not talking to him frequently and he'll apologize and do better then it'll happen again. That plus the unsuccessful attempts to see each other in person and his apologies for that too.

 

As for the possible cheating, I guess I've been in denial because until now I've never questioned his loyalty to me. He abstained from sex for 2 years before he met me due to a religious mission he was on and his views on sex outside the relationship are rigid, but he could have changed. I just don't trust him like I used to and I've noticed myself starting to second guess everything he says.

 

I tried to send that text message tonight, I really did, but I started having flashbacks about all the good times, and now I'm starting to think maybe something happened to him to prevent him from contacting me because usually when he sees I'm upset he'll at least text, but I've gotten nothing from him since Sunday. I did delete all his pictures though so I'm still trying to just move on.

[justwhoiam]

I've brought up how I don't like not talking to him frequently and he'll apologize and do better then it'll happen again.

That's really annoying. But - believe me - you're not alone on that. Too many guys are simply like that. More so when they feel comfortable in the relationship. But here it's just a different thing. It's practically dying.

 

Second guessing everything... I know what you mean. When it starts... it's hell. And you can't go on like that. If there were serious feelings from him, you would know.

 

So, you didn't send any message, did you? Be strong. I know it's hard, but if he really loved you, you would feel it. He would make some efforts.

[143]

Like Justwhoiam stated, if a guy really loves you he will go out of his way to be with you. There is no way that he had an excuse for a year and half not to see you.

 

I want to tell you that I know from experience that this guy is not worth it. I was in a LDR with my now fiance. I lived 4 hours away, but regardless of his busy work schedule, his family life, and his friends he drove 4 hours every Friday night to see me. It might not be 6 hours, but I know that he loves me enough to drive that long. No distance whether its 6 hours or 20 hours would come in the way of love. Your boyfriend would have come by now. And he would have called. For the last year and half without you he's gotten used to being without you. He is showing you without saying it that he can live his life without you. He is slipping more and more away and honestly it will only get worse the longer you hold on.

 

If he is thinking of you he would call or come see you. I know its hard, but you deserve someone who will always be there not just half time or 25% of the time. He seems like he is no longer putting effort into the relationship and neither should you. Don't wait for him because it will only hurt worse. I'm sorry.

[justwhoiam]

I couldn't have said it any better than 143.

 

You would expect someone working to be more willing to come visit compared to someone studying (of course if you don't have much money, it can't be every weekend). But sure there's an inbetween from there to nothing.