Almost 40 and no relationship experience

[Big Blue Box]

So I gather you plan on being single for the rest of your life?

You think girls did the right thing avoiding you when you were younger, and now at this point in your life you are damaged goods and they have even more reason to not give you a shot, except for maybe as a friend.

Not all guys who miss getting into LTRs in their 20s were clingy or stalkers, though the propensity is there for them to be that way as the years go by and they don't do any serious evaluation of their weaknesses and try to adapt to what women want.

 

I had 2 1/2 years to think and yes I do plan on being single for the rest of my life. I've had friends and family bugging me to start dating again I just keep telling them I do not wish to date and I want to remain single because I am

 

1. Damaged goods well past the point of repair.

2. I want to focus on my career

3. I want to be me and enjoy my life however I see fit with no additional drama. I have to deal with enough drama as is.

 

Women didn't damage me by passing me by, I did that to myself by not approaching women and by remaining morbidly obese.

[SJC2008]

I'm 33 with no LTR exp so I guess my only options are dying alone or suicide. This world chews up and spits out they shy and awkward. The good news is when i reach 35 I'll have another red flag under my belt, being 35 and having never been married. Yes, having a divorce or two under your belt at this age is more credible than having not been married at all.

[SJC2008]

And in this world a promiscuous woman can't be raped, she's just "crying wolf". Relationship exp is soo over rated. Experience means you have gained the knowledge and tools to handle things does it not? if this is the case the woman I dated a couple years ago should of been way better at handling relationship issues than me since she was not too ling out of a 7 year R. No, she was controlling and immature, emotionally unavailable. It was her way or the highway. But I'm the outcast because I don't have r exp lmao, good luck to the lucky guy that nails her down.

[BluEyeL]

I think it highly depends on the man and why doesn't he have LTR experience. I did give the benefit of the doubt in 2013, to a man who at 44 didn't have a relationship that lasted more than 3 months. He's dated many women, he dumped most of them. Just a couple were smart enough to dump him. So he did dump me after 3 months. So I'd not go for such a man again.

[sportygirl89]

The early bird may get the worm...but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

And yes. If you haven't had a long-term relationship by the time you are in your 40s it is a red flag. It means there is something blocking that person from being in a long-term relationship.

 

I wonder the same about the guy I've had a crush on forever. Can never seem to commit to anything long term. Part of me wants to ask him why. When he gets way to close to me he does not talk to me and goes as far as deleting me off of facebook every single time. Yet there's still noticeable chemistry and flirting going on. Guys say we are bad. I think guys are way worse with the games.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Nice blog post. Quite assumptive of everyone that hasn't been in a long term relationships, yes?

 

Anyhow, I am noticing a huge influx of men coming on here, anonymously of course, and posting their lack of relationship experience...seems to be on a rise and it's likely due to the fact that women have made it harder for men to approach them or having to deal with the games gets old.

 

And in this world a promiscuous woman can't be raped, she's just "crying wolf". Relationship exp is soo over rated. Experience means you have gained the knowledge and tools to handle things does it not? if this is the case the woman I dated a couple years ago should of been way better at handling relationship issues than me since she was not too ling out of a 7 year R. No, she was controlling and immature, emotionally unavailable. It was her way or the highway. But I'm the outcast because I don't have r exp lmao, good luck to the lucky guy that nails her down.

 

This situation even exacerbates the problem. Some women tend to promote stalkerish behavior by letting a guy call her numerous times as some sort of personal policy of "If he calls me X amount of times after I give him my number, I'll only then return his call" as a method of determining his genuineness in her.

 

In the thread "In his 30s and no LTRs" Ruby Slippers made quite a few good points as to why women and men should avoid those that are over 30 and lacks relationship experience.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/229035-his-30s-no-ltrs

 

Hell, I am a 38 year old man and I have never been in a serious relationship, only dated. I have been friend zoned every time with the exception of my first and last date, and dummy me bailed out of both of those. Only today do I know why I was friend zoned, I am obsessive, pushy, and clingy to the point of being a stalker whenever I have dated. The one thing I disagree with Ruby Slippers on is lack of relationship experience is an orange flag. Lack of relationship experience should be a huge red flag, one that is too big to ignore due to the reasons I mentioned earlier. So do avoid anyone and everyone that lacks relationship experience.

Edited April 20, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[okc85]

I had 2 1/2 years to think and yes I do plan on being single for the rest of my life. I've had friends and family bugging me to start dating again I just keep telling them I do not wish to date and I want to remain single because I am

 

1. Damaged goods well past the point of repair.

2. I want to focus on my career

3. I want to be me and enjoy my life however I see fit with no additional drama. I have to deal with enough drama as is.

 

Women didn't damage me by passing me by, I did that to myself by not approaching women and by remaining morbidly obese.

 

 

This is awful. Damaged goods? You really view yourself that way? I'm sorry, but I think Loveshack is not where you should be posting. You need to see a therapist.

 

And btw, on your death bed, you won't say, 'I'm so glad I viewed myself as damaged goods' ok? Think about it. That's just awful. You need to stop this way of thinking before it gets worse.

[AD1980]

I'm going on 35 with no experience and I don't see myself in one anytime soon..

 

I'm extremely fearful of approaching women and rejection because to me it just reinforces how unattractive iam..

 

All my friends are married with kids and don't know any single people so it's not like I'm ever around single women that I know..

 

I tried old because I figured it would be a way for a shy guy like me to be able to break the ice easier but I got no responses so I stopped doing they because it made me feel even less attractive..

 

So I'm at the point where I rarely interact with any single women at all and to be honest I feel better this way then when I was constantly looking and failing and attracting women..

[Big Blue Box]

This is awful. Damaged goods? You really view yourself that way?

 

As far as romance goes,most definitely and that is not necessarily a bad thing either. Everything else, not so much.

 

I'm sorry, but I think Loveshack is not where you should be posting. You need to see a therapist.

 

Why is that? Had you read the other points you would have seen I want to focus on my career and do the things I want to do. For example, I like to enjoy an occasional cigar and not many women even like the smell. In other words there are more reasons for me not to have an SO involved than there are. I don't mind just being friends with women but I don't want to go beyond that at all.

 

And btw, on your death bed, you won't say, 'I'm so glad I viewed myself as damaged goods' ok? Think about it. That's just awful. You need to stop this way of thinking before it gets worse.

 

No, I will most likely be saying about what I have accomplished and how I have inspired others. Interesting how you just pick one point out of the three and make an entire post on that just to attack that one point. Back to my original point with threads like "Male 30 never been in a relationship.." and quite a few others I have seen on here I can see why Ruby Slippers feels the way she does and why it is never a good idea to date anyone that is past a certain age and has no relationship experience.

[okc85]

As far as romance goes,most definitely and that is not necessarily a bad thing either. Everything else, not so much.

 

 

 

Why is that? Had you read the other points you would have seen I want to focus on my career and do the things I want to do. For example, I like to enjoy an occasional cigar and not many women even like the smell. In other words there are more reasons for me not to have an SO involved than there are. I don't mind just being friends with women but I don't want to go beyond that at all.

 

 

 

No, I will most likely be saying about what I have accomplished and how I have inspired others. Interesting how you just pick one point out of the three and make an entire post on that just to attack that one point. Back to my original point with threads like "Male 30 never been in a relationship.." and quite a few others I have seen on here I can see why Ruby Slippers feels the way she does and why it is never a good idea to date anyone that is past a certain age and has no relationship experience.

 

 

You're posting on a message board called Loveshack. If you really didn't care about romance, you wouldn't be here.

 

If you really just want to focus on your career, of course that's fine. No one HAS to be in a relationship. But you call yourself damaged goods, and make that your main reason for taking yourself out of the dating pool. No, I don't care if you're 20 or 50, I find that kind of thinking about oneself immensely unhealthy.

 

Also, being 30 and not having been in a relationship is not a big deal. I barely see why it matters. If anything, it means you aren't carrying the load of emotional pain from a horrible break up.

 

'I didn't have a relationship in my 20s. I dated, but I was very focused on career and didn't feel ready to settle down. Now I am ready.'

 

That's ALL you need to say. People make a big deal out of things that just aren't a big deal. We're just people.

 

 

 

But it's your life. Don't have a relationship, then. You can do whatever makes you happy. But in my view, anyone who posts on Loveshack about being damaged goods is not actually happy with being single.

[MGX]

I really cannot wrap my head around what's the WORST possible outcome to dating someone who doesn't have much experience? Seriously.

 

I actually think the more obvious reasons would beneficial though.

 

Benefits:

 

1. Disease free

2. More than likely to be loyal

3. It'll be considered a special moment

4. Those that lack experience, they have to learn sooner or later, and the lover with experience would probably guide the person to the way that person enjoys it, no bad habits to break.

(Just to name a few

 

Negatives:

 

1. Lack of experience, which isn't really that big of a deal.

 

A lot say, "I'm not willing to teach someone", well, actually that says a lot about THEM. It's just pure laziness to not be willing to work with someone's lack of experience.

 

Lack of experience doesn't mean anything if you're super enthusiastic and fired up about being with that one girl who likes you enough to sleep with you. When we were together, my ex thought that I was lying about being experienced at first.

 

When I was first speaking to my ex online in a chat, after a bunch of conversations, I let her know that I didn't have any dating experience -- I was a totally clean slate. She didn't care (no baggage, no baby's mother's, no diseases) and the rest was history. That relationship -- my first time out of the gate -- lasted three years. And I had no experience at ALL.

 

So a lack of a LTR or dating experience in an older person doesn't necessarily mean that the guy must be horrible in some way. It could also mean that a lot of women never gave the guy a chance for whatever reason.

[MGX]

I had 2 1/2 years to think and yes I do plan on being single for the rest of my life. I've had friends and family bugging me to start dating again I just keep telling them I do not wish to date and I want to remain single because I am

 

1. Damaged goods well past the point of repair.

2. I want to focus on my career

3. I want to be me and enjoy my life however I see fit with no additional drama. I have to deal with enough drama as is.

 

Women didn't damage me by passing me by, I did that to myself by not approaching women and by remaining morbidly obese.

 

So this is really about YOU then. Because your life being over at 30 is crap. I've had my first relationship in my 30's. Some people do things later on in life. Everything isn't all teens and twenties.

 

You could fix that obesity, if you REALLY wanted to. I've heard that 80% of weight loss is what you eat, so change your diet if you can't make it to a gym. Go out and take a long walk everyday.

 

As for experience, once you lose the weight, go out and try to talk to people with that new, smaller body! Don't bring up your inexperience immediately. Wait until she's got some conversational investment or has developed an interest in you, so she won't jump to the rash, knee-jerk decisions that you're so concerned about.

 

I might be sick and tired of encountering female games, but I don't think I'm damaged goods.

[ascendotum]

Women didn't damage me by passing me by, I did that to myself by not approaching women and by remaining morbidly obese.

 

OP I see you want to focus on your career. Why could you not make this 'morbidly obese' issue your no.1 priority? Depending on what you do for a living it could help with your career, it will certainly help with your health, and it would absolutely help with your dating prospects and confidence. I know the bigger you get the bigger the challenge to turn it around but there are a lot of resources out there (operation/meds/supps/personal trainers). Being morbidly obese its going to make it extremely hard to find friendly & interested women I'd imagine unless you date women of similar build.

[Big Blue Box]

You're posting on a message board called Loveshack. If you really didn't care about romance, you wouldn't be here.

 

So in other words you don't think I should be posting here at all? I have as much of a right to post here as everyone else does as long as I remain within the rules and so far I have.

 

If you really just want to focus on your career, of course that's fine. No one HAS to be in a relationship. But you call yourself damaged goods, and make that your main reason for taking yourself out of the dating pool. No, I don't care if you're 20 or 50, I find that kind of thinking about oneself immensely unhealthy.

 

How so? Please, tell me.

 

Also, being 30 and not having been in a relationship is not a big deal. I barely see why it matters. If anything, it means you aren't carrying the load of emotional pain from a horrible break up.

I agree there. However, to the vast majority of people posting on here it does matter because they feel they must have someone soon.

 

'I didn't have a relationship in my 20s. I dated, but I was very focused on career and didn't feel ready to settle down. Now I am ready.'

 

You totally read my post wrong. I went dateless until I was 26 and I never got around to college until I was almost 30. Even then I dumped the first woman with the permanent silent treatment then the next few I dated, when I was in my 30s, put me in the "just friends zone" then the last woman I dated was too picky and I dumped her. Never even mad it to first base and always struck out. Don't matter to me much because there are more important things to work on.

 

That's ALL you need to say. People make a big deal out of things that just aren't a big deal. We're just people.

 

Not making a big deal about it, just explaining to everyone as to why there should be a cut-off age as to a first LTR. Quite a few men and women both have shown here and other boards why lacking an LTR past 30 is a huge red flag. If someone wants to ignore it that's fine and dandy as there could be that diamond in the rough but it is like trying to find hay in a stack of needles.

 

But it's your life. Don't have a relationship, then. You can do whatever makes you happy. But in my view, anyone who posts on Loveshack about being damaged goods is not actually happy with being single.

Maybe that’s because you never asked as to what I mean by damaged goods. I am damaged not only from the dating experiences but also from time. I am 40 and I can focus on dating to try again for a relationship. The only thing is I would have to give up on my career and I know it will result in me losing in both accounts.

 

OP I see you want to focus on your career. Why could you not make this 'morbidly obese' issue your no.1 priority?

I already have, down to a size 44 waist from a size 54 waist this time last year plus I am much stronger than I used to be.

Depending on what you do for a living it could help with your career, it will certainly help with your health, and it would absolutely help with your dating prospects and confidence. I know the bigger you get the bigger the challenge to turn it around but there are a lot of resources out there (operation/meds/supps/personal trainers). Being morbidly obese its going to make it extremely hard to find friendly & interested women I'd imagine unless you date women of similar build.

 

I am no longer morbidly obese. But there are other reasons I am not going to date. I have no driver’s license and I have what was known as Asperger’s and is now just known as mild autism. The reason I was so clingy in the past was because of my Autism. I became obsessed with the women I was dating and I was a creep to almost all of them. Generally I just come to read the different posts here and when I post I generally offer advice to those that do lack experience. Of course none want the advice anyone wants to give them. Tomswrd was one such example as to a 30 year old not having experience yet refuses to take any and all advice. Hell, he even refused to move on with his life which is what I have chosen to do, move on with my life the best I can.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I wonder if it is an epidemic in this generation, as in there is an epidemic of adult male virgins on the rise