Almost 40 and no relationship experience

[somedude81]

He told me on our second date that he hadn't had a girlfriend or sex since he was 16, nine years ago. Initially, it turned me off a little bit. But when I went out with him again, he was so attractive to me on a personal level that I just didn't care and thought I want to have sex with him even if I have to be the aggressor and teach him. I don't think I'd normally be this generous, if you will, except that he has a lot going for him. His intellect level is off-the-charts; he's way more intellectual than I am. He's into philosophy and politics and has the most interesting theories about things. That turns me on a lot. He's also good-looking and has good social skills in terms of not being creepy or overbearing. He is a little socially awkward because of his lack of dating/relationship experience (I have no doubt that I make him nervous sometimes. I sat in a movie theater with him on one of our first few dates and he was stiff as a board at first. Only after about forty-five minutes did he seem to relax at all). But his normalcy outweighs his mild social awkwardness.

 

I guess I would prefer if he were a little more experienced at sex. At the same time, I think it could be/will be something of a bonding experience for us to improve the sex thing together. He was much better than I thought he would be, anyway.

 

The upshot, I think, is that a woman would probably be okay with a guy's inexperience as long as the guy is attractive. So I think it does pay to work on yourself in areas that you have more control over. A woman will still know you're inexperienced and it may not be her ideal, but she'll work with you if you've got things going for you.

 

Plus, sex is often awkward at first even with more experienced people. I think with a guy who is inexperienced, the awkwardness might go on for a few more sex sessions than with an experienced guy (maybe even many more), but it will get better.

So he had so much going for him, that the inexperience wasn't that big of a deal?

[Jane2011]

So he had so much going for him, that the inexperience wasn't that big of a deal?

 

Yeah, pretty much.

 

I think he can become good at sex in due time.

 

And I'll reap the rewards of that.

 

Plus, I just like him.

[somedude81]

Yeah, pretty much.

 

I think he can become good at sex in due time.

 

And I'll reap the rewards of that.

 

Plus, I just like him.

Yeah, it really should work out for you.

 

Still, I wish it would have been the type of post that could give encouragement to guys who don't have any experience.

 

Reading what you wrote about the guy, its completely surprising that he manged to go without sex and relationships for so long.

[ThaWholigan]

Yeah, it really should work out for you.

 

Still, I wish it would have been the type of post that could give encouragement to guys who don't have any experience.

 

Reading what you wrote about the guy, its completely surprising that he manged to go without sex and relationships for so long.

He put the work in on himself, he probably has an interesting life.

 

It encouraged me to continue doing what I'm doing, which is living and improving my life.

[somedude81]

He put the work in on himself, he probably has an interesting life.

 

It encouraged me to continue doing what I'm doing, which is living and improving my life.

Sure as much works as a man can put into himself in

 

His intellect level is off-the-charts and she likes his interesting theories

He's also good-looking; she also said "a woman would probably be okay with a guy's inexperience as long as the guy is attractive."

 

So all I need to do is become more intelligent and better looking. I'll start right now.

 

From what she said about him, it's odd that he even was inexperienced.

[todreaminblue]

In the thread "In his 30s and no LTRs" Ruby Slippers made quite a few good points as to why women and men should avoid those that are over 30 and lacks relationship experience.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/229035-his-30s-no-ltrs

 

Hell, I am a 38 year old man and I have never been in a serious relationship, only dated. I have been friend zoned every time with the exception of my first and last date, and dummy me bailed out of both of those. Only today do I know why I was friend zoned, I am obsessive, pushy, and clingy to the point of being a stalker whenever I have dated. The one thing I disagree with Ruby Slippers on is lack of relationship experience is an orange flag. Lack of relationship experience should be a huge red flag, one that is too big to ignore due to the reasons I mentioned earlier. So do avoid anyone and everyone that lacks relationship experience.

 

 

If you go by experience to date someone you are already failing the test,

 

no two relationships are ver the same.....every test is different like chalk and cheese....everybody is equal who sits for the test

 

relationships are not based on experience but effort and commitment to succeed that you put into it..UNDERSTANDING THE OTHERS PERSONS NEEDS WANTS DESIRES BELIEFS STANDARDS VALUES all different and unique answers..

 

so in saying this

 

 

an inexperienced lover could ace the test while the top notch go get them always a winner experienced with doctorate degrees in relationships could bum out with an f.......experience means nothing....like a test on chalk would have different answers than a test on cheese.....no comparison no common denominators no answers the same accept they both start with c......i have always started at the bottom of the ladder and worked my way up the ladder....i cant fly to the top of the ladder in any relationship i have to take the first rung....so does everybody else...age does give an advantage to the test only that you might actually know this fact and regard it as common sense or logic......deb

[Jane2011]

Yeah, it really should work out for you.

 

Still, I wish it would have been the type of post that could give encouragement to guys who don't have any experience.

 

Reading what you wrote about the guy, its completely surprising that he manged to go without sex and relationships for so long.

 

It is surprising that he hasn't dated a girl in that long. But I think some guys are just like this; they are attractive, but they just weren't putting themselves out there enough and making an effort to date.

 

You have to want to date in order to date.

 

I've dated another guy like him before. Very briefly. He was also handsome, etc., but he shied away from dating for a long time. In his case, it was because of some sexual issues/porn addiction. But maybe he also just wasn't trying to date.

 

That being said, the guy I'm seeing is 25, not 30 or over. It's not really THAT surprising that he hasn't dated much. I'd say he's in late bloomer territory -- obviously not 40-year-old-virgin territory.

[ThaWholigan]

Sure as much works as a man can put into himself in

 

His intellect level is off-the-charts and she likes his interesting theories

He's also good-looking; she also said "a woman would probably be okay with a guy's inexperience as long as the guy is attractive."

 

So all I need to do is become more intelligent and better looking. I'll start right now.

 

From what she said about him, it's odd that he even was inexperienced.

To a lot of people who know me nowadays, it's odd to them that I'm inexperienced. Even the girl I recently lost my V to had to be reminded more than once that she was my 1st.

 

It's because I worked at those things. Some people think I'm good looking, but I thought I was neutral looking enough to have needed/wanted improvements - which I have made, and am still making. My brother was talking to me to day about slimming down, he's active enough to have lost a lot of fat. Never mind that he's the same height as you, and now he's balding at 20/21 ().

 

I'm already intelligent admittedly, but it doesn't help to continue learning. I'm an eternal scholar admittedly, I don't know everything but I like to know stuff. In fact, recently I downloaded a torrent comp full of maths and science books to read over, as well as a bunch of other stuff. It's not limited to that, but whatever info I can get, I will try to get.

 

You can improve at a bunch of stuff - just like this guy.

[Jane2011]

Also, he just turned 25 in June. Just three months ago, he was 24. His inexperience isn't that shocking or long-lasting.

[Big Blue Box]

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact of the matter is more than half of the world's population is getting married without any dating or relationship experience and they're doing better both in terms of fidelity and divorce rate. You don't need to get depressed over it if you don't have any.

Apparently you never read my posts completely. People that are 30+ with little or no relationship experience should be avoided. Too many huge red flags are waving and they are too big to ignore.

I'm dating a guy who's 25 and has little sex and relationship experience. He had sex for the first time when he was 16, but it was only once or twice, and has only kissed two women since then. I had sex with him for the first time two nights ago and am basically teaching him. It is fun. I even helped him put a condom on, etc. He admitted to me that he doesn't know what he's doing (although he was not bad). So, I am a person who's willing to give a person experience. Of course, he's not a virgin, but he may as well be one.

 

He's inexperienced in relationships, as well, but he certainly knows how to keep my interest. He's been generous, made creative date plans, takes the initiative, treats me well, expresses his feelings, etc.

 

It is fun teaching a person about sex. We've only done it once so far, but I have plans to teach him more. There is no rush. I hope we get to the point where he's like so good at it that I want to marry him.

Being 25 with no relationship experience is fine. What I have said is there are problems if someone very little relationship experience by the age of 30, if any at all.

 

OP.

 

You have a weight issue. You can change that. You can't magically become experienced. Change what you can change for the better and try again. Don't do this self loathing thing.

 

It is more than a “weight” issue, having no relationship experience coupled with far too many emotional disabilities makes me, along with most other 30+ year olds, non-relationship material. It isn’t “self loathing” as you put it, but actually seeing the light. Anyone that lacks relationship experience by 30 has no room to whine about being single and lonely. They brought it upon themselves.

[CarrieT]

It is more than a “weight” issue, having no relationship experience coupled with far too many emotional disabilities makes me, along with most other 30+ year olds, non-relationship material. It isn’t “self loathing” as you put it, but actually seeing the light. Anyone that lacks relationship experience by 30 has no room to whine about being single and lonely. They brought it upon themselves.

 

This is my question, OP:

 

Do you feel that all these issues which you have brought upon yourself are - in fact - insurmountable?

 

You are chalking it all up to age, and yet there nothing that cannot be changed or learned, regardless of age. Julia Child didn't even start cooking school until her 40s. Sydney Greenstreet (the Fat Man in Casablanca) didn't start acting until his 60s. There are a number of examples I could give about people who came into their own later in life.

 

Are there any REAL reasons you can't change who you are? Therapy for the emotional issues and a gym for the physical issues?

[Big Blue Box]

This is my question, OP:

 

Do you feel that all these issues which you have brought upon yourself are - in fact - insurmountable?

 

Irrelavent. Even if someone can change for the better he or she should have done so before the age of 30.

 

You are chalking it all up to age, and yet there nothing that cannot be changed or learned, regardless of age. Julia Child didn't even start cooking school until her 40s. Sydney Greenstreet (the Fat Man in Casablanca) didn't start acting until his 60s. There are a number of examples I could give about people who came into their own later in life.

 

You are comparing apples with oranges. Dating and being in a relationship deals with not self but someone else as well. Starting to cook and act after the age of 30 will have no effect on someone. Those that are 30+ that lack relationship experience most likely will, negatively. Why should someone put their time and effort into teaching an inexperienced loser just to have his or her heart broken later on because they were not "compatible"? That is a waste of time and effort that went into a user rather than a potential healthy relationship.

 

Are there any REAL reasons you can't change who you are? Therapy for the emotional issues and a gym for the physical issues?

 

Why can't someone do that before the age of 30?

 

Again, people make excuses all the time as to not do something. All of the excuses as not to date and get into a relationship are bogus. So I say let people make excuses and if those excuse makers all of the sudden want a relationship after 30 then they are SOL, just as they should be.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Big Blue Box

[CarrieT]

Irrelavent. Even if someone can change for the better he or she should have done so before the age of 30.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. And if you fervently believe this, I greatly pity you. Anything can be learned at any age. Yes, it may take more work but your life is not set in stone before your 30th birthday.

 

You are comparing apples with oranges.

I am not. I am describing how people changed their lives - be it cooking, acting, weight, or relationships, anyone who sincerely wants to change their life, can do so at any time.

 

Starting to cook and act after the age of 30 will have no effect on someone.

With all due respect, I had lunch with Julia Child nine months before she passed away. I was approaching my 40th birthday and she had a great effect on MY life - and on many, many others.

 

Why should someone put their time and effort into teaching an inexperienced loser just to have his or her heart broken later on because they were not "compatible"? That is a waste of time and effort that went into a user rather than a potential healthy relationship.

This is just pity-party rhetoric and I think you know it. There are so many fallacies in the statement as to be laughable. You are only a loser if you believe yourself to be. The waste is the time you are wasting in not changing your life to the better.

 

Why can't someone do that before the age of 30?

Somebody can. You are just choosing not to - for what reason I can't fathom.

 

Again, people make excuses all the time as to not do something. All of the excuses as not to date and get into a relationship are bogus. So I say let people make excuses and if those excuse makers all of the sudden want a relationship after 30 then they are SOL, just as they should be.

So why are you making excuses? Why do you believe someone cannot change when it is more than obvious that anyone CAN change?

[CarrieT]

would you be the girlfriend of him if you were single? you don't need to answer that. we already know.

 

As a matter of fact, I HAVE been that girlfriend. He was 42 and I was his first. He is now married to someone else and we are still friends.

[CarrieT]

he knows you and every other girls will turn his nose at him, thats why the excuses.

 

I give up.

 

You are mired in your self-delusional excuses and self-degradation and there is no convincing you otherwise. Even when I - personally - have experienced otherwise at the hand (or, should I say bed?) of a 42-year old virgin man.

[CarrieT]

date someone with lots of experience in relationships and in bed. thats all girls of any age want. the 42 year old guy must of kept it a secret until awterward which requires incredible acting skills.

 

No. He was honest and up front from the get-go. The continually reciting the rhetoric of "that's all girls want" in reference to experience is just that: Rhetoric and wrong.

 

I'm sorry for you that you can't see beyond the limitations of your own narrow-mindedness.

[Big Blue Box]

Wrong, wrong, wrong. And if you fervently believe this, I greatly pity you. Anything can be learned at any age. Yes, it may take more work but your life is not set in stone before your 30th birthday.

 

It doesn't just have to do with lack of relationship skills, but also a much higher chance of being used as a stepping stone. On top of that those that are quite inexperienced will have numerous issues, the same issues that kep the person inexperienced to begin with.

 

I am not. I am describing how people changed their lives - be it cooking, acting, weight, or relationships, anyone who sincerely wants to change their life, can do so at any time.

 

Actually it is because someone learning how to cook late in life does not carry a high risk of breaking a heart.

 

 

With all due respect, I had lunch with Julia Child nine months before she passed away. I was approaching my 40th birthday and she had a great effect on MY life - and on many, many others.

 

Then I will rephrase my statement. Starting to cook and act after the age of 30 will have no negative effects on someone. Dating someone with no relationship experience past 30 most likely will.

 

 

This is just pity-party rhetoric and I think you know it. There are so many fallacies in the statement as to be laughable. You are only a loser if you believe yourself to be. The waste is the time you are wasting in not changing your life to the better.

 

On the contrary, I am perfectly fine with being permanently single now and others that are 30+ with no relationship experience should as well. Plus I am improving my life without having the distraction of the dating side of it. I already know there is going to be a 95% chance of failure so I simply avoid the distractions in my life.

 

 

 

So why are you making excuses? Why do you believe someone cannot change when it is more than obvious that anyone CAN change?

No excuses being made, just giving the facts and many people do not want to hear them. It isn't just be but quite a few others feel the same way. They may say should give those without any experience a chance. In the long run, however, most of the time the couple will have problems long before it can become a relationship.

 

As a matter of fact, I HAVE been that girlfriend. He was 42 and I was his first. He is now married to someone else and we are still friends.

 

So it sounds to me he used you as a stepping stone and wasted your time, time that could have been used for a good man that could have been the right one for you. When two people date and one or both are past 30 and lack relationship experience then it most likely will result in broken hearts and a waste of time. That is why those that are inexperienced past the age of 30 should be happy with remaining single.

[CarrieT]

So it sounds to me he used you as a stepping stone and wasted your time, time that could have been used for a good man that could have been the right one for you. When two people date and one or both are past 30 and lack relationship experience then it most likely will result in broken hearts and a waste of time. That is why those that are inexperienced past the age of 30 should be happy with remaining single.

 

There is where I look upon life and relationships much differently than you do. I don't look upon my past relationships as stepping stones or a waste of time, but part of life's journey and part of learning and growing.

 

With the exception of two past relationships (my ExH, 25 years ago, whom I believe may be dead and my most recent past relationship who is living on the streets or a halfway house), I am good friends with all my exes.

 

Yes, at the time the relationships ended there were broken hearts and hurt feelings, but those have mended on both sides and that which brought us together in the first place remains - a genuine caring for each other - and leaves us with fond memories and life-long friendships.

 

But I do not believe in "one true love" the way others do and have relished and thrived in those relationships that existed - even if and when they ended.

 

Sorry you can't see that.

[Eddie Edirol]

Those that are 30+ that lack relationship experience most likely will, negatively. Why should someone put their time and effort into teaching an inexperienced loser just to have his or her heart broken later on because they were not "compatible"? That is a waste of time and effort that went into a user rather than a potential healthy relationship.

.

 

Everyone has to put effort into compatibilities, experienced or not. You still have to get to know someone when starting a relationship, and find out if they are willing to bridge compatibility gaps. Even inexperienced people can be willing to do this. When they arent willing to do it is where the inexperience problem comes in. Its all subjective to personalities. In your 40's, I would think your first problem that women would worry about with you is stubbornness to learn, as you are unwilling to open up to what people are trying to tell you here. THAT might be your problem, not your inexperience.

 

How bout this, I have never been married, I have no kids, and I'm 40. That is a BIG red flag for many women, because they see I know how to attract them, they think I'm a player and a commitment phobe. But I have so much great stuff going on for me that they take the chance. Why have I never been married? I'll tell the truth, I went for 10 years of my life without dating success, and after that, after seeing how relationships failed around me, I stayed picky. Cant just marry the first person that seems decent just to please everyone else. Also, I dont have a problem being alone, which seems to be a strange concept for many people.

 

After reading your OP, your problem is easy. Not being in a LTR by 40 isnt your problem. Since youre stalkerish and clingy while dating, women can see that immediately when they see your behavior towards them. As soon as you tell them youre inexperienced, they put two and two together and run for the hills. You have to do the research on how to attract women, you wont learn that here. If you did this research I know you can get into a LTR very quickly. I know I did it. If youre getting dates, you could definitely carry that on to a LTR if youre willing to learn what it takes.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[Later82012]

In your 40's, I would think your first problem that women would worry about with you is stubbornness to learn, as you are unwilling to open up to what people are trying to tell you here. THAT might be your problem, not your inexperience.

I too think that this is exactly what OP's problem is.

[somedude81]

In your 40's, I would think your first problem that women would worry about with you is stubbornness to learn, as you are unwilling to open up to what people are trying to tell you here. THAT might be your problem, not your inexperience.

I too think that this is exactly what OP's problem is.

And how are women going to know that he has a stubbornness to learn? Are they going to track him down and read his posts here?

 

When is a stubbornness to learn, ever related to dating and something that the other person can observe?

[Later82012]

I thought OP said he is dating women in real life in his post not by posting here. Only he can tell whether the above observation is correct or not and I have put in bold a different part of the sentence, although both observations could be correct.

Edited September 13, 2012 by Later82012

[Big Blue Box]

I thought OP said he is dating women in real life in his post not by posting here. Only he can tell whether the above observation is correct or not and I have put in bold a different part of the sentence, although both observations could be correct.

 

I was dating women, but now I am no longer even trying to date. It is far too late for me. That being said women and men can generally tell if someone is inexperienced based on numerous mistakes due to not having any relationship or very few dating skills. By the age of 30 no one should expect to be trained when it comes to relationships, and no one should train such a person. The last woman I had dated was inexperienced as well and she was so nitpicky. On top of that I never really gave her the chance to change on her own.

 

If I had relationship experience I know I would not want to train a woman if she were to lack relationship experience.

[CaptJay]

Does anybody else in here see the irony of somebody with "no relationship experience" giving definitive, black and white, opinions about "relationship experiences?"

[Big Blue Box]

Does anybody else in here see the irony of somebody with "no relationship experience" giving definitive, black and white, opinions about "relationship experiences?"

 

So you relate "No relationship experience" with "no dating experience?" Bravo, you just earned yourself the idiot of the year award. All I am saying is those 30+ with no relationship experience should be avoided and why they should be avoided.

Edited September 27, 2012 by Big Blue Box