He said his feelings have changed

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

I havent been on LoveShack for years but i remember it helping me years ago with a previous relationship so here i am again..

 

I have been with my bf for nine months. In the past i have had many disfuncional relationships that made me very unhappy (as you will see if you read any of my posts from years ago). But, on new years eve this year I met the man of my dreams.

 

I usually go for older men but I was so happy when I met my bf as he is my age, unattached, no baggage, has a lovely family, is a good honest man etc...ive really struck gold.

 

After three months of us being together he said to me over dinner that he thought I was "the one" and that he could one day see us getting married and having children. Its not that he was going to propose there and then but he felt in his heart that one day he would love to make me his wife.

 

Two days ago however we had a conversation where i asked him why, since that statement all those months back, he never talks about our future (i know some men just dont) but it upset me as i ream of out future all the time.

 

He dropped a massive bombshell on me (as i though we were so happy), that he doesnt feel the way he did three months ago and doesnt feel like he does want to marry me. He said that he feel s awful that he said he did a while back and he has to be honest with me. I was in pieces!

 

The thing is, i know whe havent been together long and no part of me expects him to propose now but he said to me that he feels that after 9 months he should be feeling like he WANTS to propose to me even if in reality he wouldnt as our relationship is still in its early stages. And now, he doesnt feel like that.

 

He said that when he said that statement (that his feelings had changed) that he fully expected me to break up with him. I asked if thats what he wanted and he said that he didnt want to break up with me and that he does love me just that he has some serious concerns about our compatibility. He said that i was the most amazing girl he had ever met, that we have great sex and that he lovesme so much. He is just worried that:

 

1. we like different types of comedy

2. He likes to go out drinking alot and im more of a homemaker

3. He thinks we have slightly different personalities

4. He is upset that he cannot absorb himself in my life as at the moment i am going through a rough patch where i am living at my parents (so cant have him over to stay and therefore we spend all our time at his), and i have little money as i lost my job a few months ago so cant do the things i enjoy and take him along. its all so hard!

 

I was really taken aback as, yes i do realise we are not 100% perfect as there have been some stress for us recently (his work, me losing my job and having not a lot of money, me having to move back to my parents, my exams etc)...its been a hard few months.

 

The thing is he feels that as I have been spending 4-5 nights a week at his flat that it has been like we have had a glimpse into the future about whet it would be like if we lived together. He feels that as we spend so much time together its like we have been given the change to see what our relationship would look like after say two years.

I dont agree; me staying roud his is not the same as having our own place! I live out of a bag, i dont feel like its my home so cant just do as i please and we are in eachothers posckets alot as if he invites me over its different from if we lived together where i might just go and read a book or get on with something of my own.

 

It all sounds doom and gloom but the fip side is that we never argue about anything, we are kind and respectful to each other, trust each other implicitly and I believe has all the foundations (in what really matters) to have a really good life together into our old age. He is wonderful and i dont want to lose him.

 

I admitted to him that i do perhaps spend too much time dreaming obout our furure and hence not enjoy the present; like going out more and just having fun (as i have been down recently).

 

I want to mend this, i dont want to end this and i want to get us back on tract.

the probelem is now that im so upset, how can i be the smiley fun gf he wants me to be so we can get back on tract.

 

please any advice would be amazing!

 

LC

[AmeliePoulain]

Hmm... I think I would start showing the fun side of you again. There must have been a reason he said that to you 3 months in and maybe you can be that person. Like you said, enjoy the moment. Remind him why he fell for you in the first place. The last thing you want to do is pressure him or consume him with what will happen in the future. At 9 months in, it's nice to know where you stand but as you also expected there's no need for a ring at this point time. If you really want to mend this, I would relax and SHOW him rather than say that you will. Somehow show him that he should be lucky to have you and not let you think you should be the worried one. This is just my opinion. Although space might be a good thing and might be a good idea to stay at your parents more. I know you see him a lot, but show him you're fine without him and have your own life. A lot of men want girls who are independent and confident that they're getting their stuff together (even if it isn't at this moment). Go out and do your best to find a job and he'll wonder where you've been so busy and getting your life together. However, don't distance yourself, but stay occupied with what you need to get done for yourself first and then he will follow and want to be apart of it. I hope this makes sense and helps!

[LadyCakes]

Thank you so much for this advice. Its really nice for you not to have said "just walk away" as i think you can tell i really do want to save the relationship.

 

I think yours is good advice. I will try to SHOW him that i can be fun again, even if i dont feel very fun at the moment.

 

He called me yesterday morning and told me that i shouldnt panic (as i said that i was very upset and scared), he said that he does love me and that he isnt going anywhere which was nice, but the paranoid side of me continues to worry as I havent heard from him since. I hate feeling like this and just wish he would just do something as little as send me a text with a little reasurance. Is that really too much to ask?....maybe, asfter what has happened it is, i dont know.

 

Im supposed to be seeing him on Friday or Staurday as we have something to do thats been planned, with friends, for months. I know im going to have to talk to him (a bit) about what i have concluded after some time apart this week, so I think im going to sit down today and write it all down, get it staright in my own head; all the advice i have been given from my friends etc.

 

Im hurting so much....your advice is so helpful though and i really appreciate you taking the time to write back. Any more advice from anyone would also be very welcome.

 

thanks everyone x

[Leigh 87]

I really wish you would slowly accept that this is not meant to be... I know it is hard, and right now you seriously want to see him and enjoy eachother; leaving him and going no contact is the LAST thing you WANT to do...

 

However, I think the best thing would be to just stop seeing him...

My boyfriend and I had differing personalities when we first met. I was anorexic actually, and I was devoid of a real, vivid, fun personality.. Where as he is the ultimate happy go lucky, FUN guy..

 

WHen it comes to love, in my experience, there are no bounds; he would honestly stay with me if I was homeless. He stayed with me when I was a total wreck!

 

The fact he is letting such small things get to him and impact his feelings for you, sort of spells it out; he really likes you a great deal, but it is probablly not love in the deepest sense.

 

After 9 months, my partner and I think most partners would know if they loved you enough to WANT to marry you.. I was and still am a bit of a head case and not read for marriage just yet, but my partner says he knows he WANTS to marry me.

 

 

...it sound like he loves you in another way, not in the true romantic sense.... Honestly, he would try everything to make it work and not let you not having a job, living with your parents, or anything stop his actual feelings... Yet he may move on if say, you turn into a person who has no ambition and remains jobless your entire life. BUT the LOVE would still remain as strong.

 

I really think you would consider leaving him; the sooner you leave, the sooner you can one da meet a man who truly loves you, through the good AND the bad...

 

 

 

The EASIEST thing to do, is to remain with him because you feel happy with him. You avoid having to miss him, and think abotu when he will be intimate with another women. Long term, however, he will either leave you, or you will leave him because his love for you is not deep enough ( based on what he has shown thus far..)

 

The HARDEST thing to do in this situation, would be to leave him, face heartbreak and missing him very much, all the while waiting for the dreaded feeling of hearing or knowing he has been intimate with someone new.

LONG TERM though: you will feel totally cr@p at first, but you will move on sooner and find a man who WANTS to marry you!

 

I vote for: short term pain, = long term gain!

 

I see it ALL the time; women sticking around for a man who is truly not 110 % crazily in love with her enough to spend the rest of their lives wiith you in a totally happy, loving relationship.....

they do it BECAUSE of the good times. They feel good with them, and will miss them a great deal if they were to leave these guys. So they stay.