1st post. My cheating story and deciding where to go from here.

[StormySky]

Hi. I just discovered these boards in the past couple of days and I'm hoping I can find some support here. I'm at a pretty low point right now and don't have any one IRL to turn to yet. I'd really specifically appreciate some other WS support and advice. Here's my story:

 

I met my husband in high school, coming right off of my first love relationship. Friends set us up to get me to move on and we quickly began dating. He's a wonderful guy, but that period in his life was very dark as his mom had just passed away. We had a good couple of years, but it wasn't ideal as he was very depressed. For a brief period my first love came back and wanted to reunite. And in retrospect I should hadn't closed that door and wasn't ready to move on. I cheated one day (I was 17) and told him immediately after and he begged me to stay. I feel that I stayed with him primarily out of guilt and this maternal urge to help him and take care of him. By the second year the depression and the feeling that I was mothering him got to be too much. I wanted to have fun and be a carefree college girl. So I ended things and we remained friendly.

 

Fast forward another two years. I did my college years, studied abroad, dated a manipulative jerk. Immediately upon returning to the US my husband was there. Asking to reunite. Telling me I was the one. He looked like a wonderful option. Calm, stable and steady after a two-year roller coaster. And much more independent and through his depression. It was a time of turmoil in my home life. Parents divorcing and a house of misery. I was finished with college and my husband and I decided to get an apartment together.

 

One year later, he surprised me with an engagement. Another two years and we were married. A surprise baby quickly on the way and we've since had another.

 

My husband is amazing as a husband and father. He is many women's dream. He helps with everything domestic and related to the kids. He is reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and my best friend. I chose him for all of those reasons. I grew up with chaos and screaming and abuse and he and I never argue. Our kids are happy. Our life is good.

 

However, I often feel that I did just marry my best friend. I don't feel the romantic chemistry that I had in other relationships. I don't look at him and feel that sexual desire. Even when we kiss, after so many years, it feels awkward and I just don't desire it. I've always known this. But I decided that the wonderful person he was was more important than that chemistry. He also was not a romantic. My proposal was being handed a ring in the car. On my wedding day he told me I looked really nice. We never had a moment of wanting a baby together. And when our children were born he focused on everyone being ok but it did not feel sentimental. It's who he is. Or was.

 

So in March '12 I screwed everything up. I have always gotten along better with male friends and had several and I missed that. I was craving male attention and companionship but I had never intended to cross the line. I was bored and lonely and frustrated. I thought a new friend and a change in routine would help. So I went onto Craigslist in the "strictly platonic" section and answered an ad of a man saying he was looking for a gym buddy and friend, that he always got along better with females, he was married and his wife knew about the ad and would want to meet his friend as well. And you pretty much know how this is going to go.

 

We began chatting. My husband was very leery of me meeting someone I replied to online so we chatted first. A lot. Every day. We got along incredibly. We met at the bookstore. Then we introduced spouses. Then we started going to the gym twice a week. Then we'd get to talking in the gym parking lot and never make it inside. We started hanging out other places. Outside playing chess. Out for a drink. This situation is going to make me look stupider and stupider as I go on. Because this man is also a Pastor. With four children. Yeah, I know. But I felt I was safe with him. He shared his sermons with me and I opened up about my marriage to him. The conversations were nothing I had ever had with anyone and I was just high.

 

He called me his best friend. We had the best time. I've never laughed so hard or felt so happy. We started writing silly poems to each other. He started singing my favorite songs with his guitar. I knew I had chemistry with him and as completely stupid as this sounds, one day we discussed kissing, almost as an experiment. Because I honestly, truly wanted to know if the reason I felt so awkward kissing my husband was me or him. And of course the kissing ended up great.

 

We ended up kissing occasionally for weeks. Fast forward and we made love. Once. And it was amazing. Like nothing I had experienced with my husband even while dating. By that point we were both in love. No question from my side that I fell hard. And felt things I've never felt for my husband. Ever. I was so attracted to him. So addicted to him. And he was passionate and romantic, calling me baby and beautiful and all of the things I had never had.

 

My husband found out one night. He got remote access to my computer and watched us chat. And he saw me reference kissing him and saw a photo I had sent that was mildly inappropriate. And of course he exploded. I told him everything and he was hysterical. I was numb. He said it ended that second. All contact. And to make matters worse, we had to leave on a family vacation the next day. And that week together was of course very difficult.

 

I did not end all contact immediately with OM. I felt that it had to be my decision to end it or it wouldn't work. So OM and I continued a bit of chat, though very little. And we saw each other once. But we never had sex again. And the tension had us bickering until there was nothing left. In the end he cut ties with me. And though we had gotten to a point where we had talks about a potential future, he made it clear that he loves and has always loved his wife. It was pretty infuriating to me that he had talked about all of these things he wanted with me and professed such profound love and then just decided one day that it was too much and he wanted to re-dedicate himself to her and she was a much better fit for him than me. Because all along it had been him urging me on, saying it was ok. I hadn't made the first move at any level.

 

Here's the bottom line now. A is over. And I know I was stupid. An idiot. But there has been some good to come out of it. My husband wants to stay. I have told him everything and told him he should leave me, that I would have left him. But he says he's sticking to his vows, that this is our "worse" part of "better or worse" and that it would also make things too easy on me if he just left. He wants us to work at this. And he is doing his part. After finding out all of this, he has stepped it up 100% with poems, flowers, time, affection and attention. My problem is that I am not responding to it. I still feel the same as always, awkward with a lack of chemistry. Platonic. And now he feels like he's smothering me. And when he calls me something like sweetheart it feels so fake, after knowing him for 17 years and never having him speak like that.

 

I am having trouble forgetting OM. I know he and I cannot be. But he honestly felt like a drug to me and the withdrawal is bad. I try to fill my days with activity to stay off of the computer but there are some days I just cry. I'm having difficulty having sex with BS because I find myself thinking of that one night and how different that felt.

 

I don't want to be this cheater. This numb, cold wife. I want to forget OM and I want to feel everything I felt with him with my husband. But I don't know if it's possible or how to get there. How to feel a chemistry that hasn't been there. How to fall in love when I don't think I am. How to desire him when I don't. But I want to. i truly do want to. I enjoy being with him, but I need it to feel like love and passion and connection, not just a best friendship. And I want to stop thinking of OM and having any longing for him. I want to not find the NC to be such a daily struggle. What do i do from here?

[Tallblueyed]

Hi StormySky. Your story is much different than I expected (from a WS perspective).

 

You H does sound like a good man. It is a shame that you couldn't address the lack of chemistry that led you to seek out another man (as platonic as it may have been).

 

At this point I would not hold your H accountable for any of his actions - though they seem very mild at this point (overly affectionate) compared to the alternative (anger, rage, resentment - which you should be prepared for).

 

There is a very good book I suggest both of you read, "After the Affair". It talks a lot about the A fog, and how you can each to work through the A and be stronger in the end. Personally I would suggest you buy two copies and each of you highlight (in different colors) your copies and then trade and re-read the noted sections.

 

I have seen many people here say, "once a cheater, not always a cheater...twice a cheater, always a cheater". Be the former, not the latter (my STBXWS was the latter )

Good luck.

[Cb3657]

Sorry to hear but you are really accountable here. The thing people hate about cheaters is the lies. Not nessesarily to your spouse but to your commitments. You don't have that within you, it's not about emotion and who you want to be with, it is about the fact that you cannot make the commitment and keep it with this person. You need to get honest about your inability to keep this committment. Please don't take this as a personnel attack some folks just cannot

Tell him you want a divorce, give yourselves both that gift

[Furious]

A pastor with 4 children is the man you crave. Seriously, I think you have poor taste in men, if that's someone you're willing to destroy the good man you have.

 

Why stay married, your husband can't make you stay married to him.

He be will be hurt, for sure, but in the long run you'll be doing him a favor.

He sounds like a catch, I don't believe he'll have a problem finding someone who will love him and thank you for letting him go.

 

It's too bad you had to cheat instead of having the courage to get a divorce.

[mercy]

Searching on Craigslist? I can't even imagine an h going for this. But he seems very passive and now doing everything to keep you.

 

What is wrong with women friends? You crave attention from men?

 

Your h deserves a woman that craves him.

 

Maybe soon he'll realize his marriage is a sham.

[mercy]

A pastor with 4 children is the man you crave. Seriously, I think you have poor taste in men, if that's someone you're willing to destroy the good man you have.

 

Why stay married, your husband can't make you stay married to him.

He be will be hurt, for sure, but in the long run you'll be doing him a favor.

He sounds like a catch, I don't believe he'll have a problem finding someone who will love him and thank you for letting him go.

 

It's too bad you had to cheat instead of having the courage to get a divorce.

 

His 'religion' won't let him divorce. But his 'religion' will let him search Craigslist...

 

Ain't religion grand? :rolleyes:

[GLDheart]

I love these religious leaders that stand up and preach all this "high ground" righteous rightness... and then screw around on thier wife WITH another married person... WITH a combined six kids of callateral damage...

 

F*cking hypocrits.

[Artie Lang]

a pastor on Craigslist... how's that for ya!

 

another false prophet tending to the flock.

 

this thread is f@#$ed on so many levels, I don't know where to begin. SERIOUSLY!

Edited August 22, 2012 by Artie Lang

[StormySky]

I don't deny that I am accountable. I see what I did wrong and I know how I have hurt my husband. I have ended the A. I have gone NC. I have told him I should leave. That he most definitely deserves a woman who will love him and cherish him for the amazing person he is and that I'm so sorry. He is adamant that he wants me, wants me to stay and wants us to work on our relationship. And I feel that I owe him that. He is putting in tremendous effort. There is some good to be had here. I had told him what I needed for our marriage to be better for me for years. I was missing something and strayed to find it. It doesn't make it at all OK but he has said this was his own wake up call. And that while i never should have gone so far, it has changed him for the better and it made him stop taking me for granted and finally get in touch with his emotions that had been shut off all along and that I had been trying so hard to tap in to.

 

And I am trying. I am putting all of my efforts back on my family, where it belongs. I am staying busy and active with the right people. I have read 2 suggested books, gone to the Dr. And started antidepressants and gone to one counseling session so far. And I do not take him for granted. I know that he could and even should walk out on me. But that is not his decision.

 

Look. I was an idiot. I get it. I realize how f$&@ed up of a situation I got myself into. And i have been bashed 100 times over for what i did. But I do not believe my marriage is a sham. I have 9 years with a wonderful man and two gorgeous kids who were meant to be. And I am taking accountability and being proactive. Divorce is not our choice. So I am seeking advice and support on how to make things better. He deserves that. My kids deserve that. I don't expect a pat on the back. But even if not support, constructive advice would be nice and it's looking like I won't be finding that here.

[StormySky]

Thank you for the book rec, Tallblueeyed. I will definitely get us copies this week.

[Ncogito]

Seems like you got played by the pastor! As long as you are with your husband you will always never be totally content. For your own happiness and your husbands let him know how you feel and have always felt, best friend, no chemistry. Looks like that will never change.

[beenburned]

Stormysky,

 

Welcome! There are many people here that are former OW/OM, and also many BW/BH. You will receive advise from people who have walked in your shoes.

 

I was a BW in the early years of my marriage.

 

My H had inappropriate boundaries in place, he still behaved like a single man would when around women.

 

This lack of good boundaries eventually led him to cheat on me. When he didn't get caught, he thought "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". So he continued to find more OW to cheat with.

 

He got caught in his 3rd short term affair! When caught, he lied and said it was the only time he had ever cheated on me. I left him and asked for a divorce.

 

During our separation, he quickly realized how different his life would be without me and our children. Also by this time, his friends/co-workers who he hung with to all cheat together, they all got caught, and all of their wives divorced them immediately.(they didn't have any children)

 

My H was very remorseful and did all the hard work of changing his bad habits. We eventually reconciled. We are still together, the kids are grown, and we have grandchildren.

 

My suggestion for you is to continue MC and IC,in order to improve yourself and your marriage. You need to dig deep in order to understand why you crave drama and have bad boundaries. Sometimes it is behaviors learned in our families growing up.

 

Best of luck as you continue your journey of introspection!

[GLDheart]

...He is adamant that he wants me, wants me to stay and wants us to work on our relationship. And I feel that I owe him that..

 

No. You don't "owe" him that. Staying for that reason WILL BUILD RESENTMENT. You need to stay because you truly want this relationship. You need to believe in your heart that IT IS WORTH IT TO YOU.

 

He is putting in tremendous effort..

 

I Cringe when I read that... Why is it "he" that is putting in the effort? Your poor husband. My heart breaks for him.

 

There is some good to be had here... it has changed him for the better...

 

Your husband is rewarding you for screwing another man. Your husband is so in over his head right now.

 

Look. I was an idiot. I get it. I realize how f$&@ed up of a situation I got myself into. And i have been bashed 100 times over for what i did...

 

Am I hearing you right? It's all in the past now? You've paid your penance "100 times over" and let's move along now? No sense dwelling on the past, Right?

 

Divorce is not our choice...

 

I respect that. I'm one of those people that really do hope people pull this off and become healthier as a couple... ESPECIALLY when there are children affected by this.

 

So I am seeking advice and support on how to make things better..

 

Ok.... Try to get this. Right now you are glossing over the affair and focussing back on the relationship that "caused" you to need to step out and find what you needed elsewhere. You are asking for advice so here:

 

You need to stop worrying about your relationship for the moment. You need to focus on a character flaw of yours first. How is it that cheating is an ok solution?... and as a hint here are the number one and two wrong answers: "I made a mistake" and "I'm only human" don't fly here.

Edited August 22, 2012 by GLDheart

[stillafool]

OP I am curious how you are going to stay married to your husband? You never loved him in a romantic way, never wanted him sexually, was contemplating leaving him before the Pastor pulled the plug. What is going to change now that the affair is over and you are back in your marriage full time? You aren't going to start having the "right" feelings for your husband because you never did. Why would a married woman decide she "craves attention and companionship from males"? Isn't your husband a male?

 

You're right your husband is a good man and you should divorce him and let him find a woman who will give him the love he deserves. You should be free to find a man who doesn't make you crave attention from other men. Let him go because it will never work. The foundation was never there.

[Spark1111]

Stormsky....

 

While you attend IC I think you may want to delve into the bad boy turn on, the lure of the forbidden and your early childhood relationships with mom and dad. I know, I know a cliche...but it's where we have to go to heal and change.

 

Affairs can act like a drug addiction and the withdrawal is painful, but the addiction is to the way the affair made you feel, not the person.

 

In time, you will come to see that a pastor of 4 kids telling you whatever you wanted to hear to keep the fantasy feelings alive for him too....and who then dropped you like a hot potato is no "friend" to you. Friends do not help each other destroy their marriages and family.

 

It sounds like you have pidgeon-holed your H into being one kind of man. A man who lacks sentimentality and romance and does not turn you on.

 

Why are you doing that? Why are you allowing your pre-conceived notions of him to sabotage your sexuality?

 

People are filled with surprises and can grow and change and develop all sorts wonderful characteristics to please their partner.

 

If he can fill your needs, passion can and does grow.

 

Start having fun together and stop seeing each other as mommy and daddy or husband or wife.

 

If you want this to be succesful, you have to start seeing each other as lovers and friends first.

[beenburned]

Spark,

 

Great advise!!!

[mercy]

Hi. I just discovered these boards in the past couple of days and I'm hoping I can find some support here. I'm at a pretty low point right now and don't have any one IRL to turn to yet. I'd really specifically appreciate some other WS support and advice. Here's my story:

 

I met my husband in high school, coming right off of my first love relationship. Friends set us up to get me to move on and we quickly began dating. He's a wonderful guy, but that period in his life was very dark as his mom had just passed away. We had a good couple of years, but it wasn't ideal as he was very depressed. For a brief period my first love came back and wanted to reunite. And in retrospect I should hadn't closed that door and wasn't ready to move on. I cheated one day (I was 17) and told him immediately after and he begged me to stay. I feel that I stayed with him primarily out of guilt and this maternal urge to help him and take care of him. By the second year the depression and the feeling that I was mothering him got to be too much. I wanted to have fun and be a carefree college girl. So I ended things and we remained friendly.

 

Fast forward another two years. I did my college years, studied abroad, dated a manipulative jerk. Immediately upon returning to the US my husband was there. Asking to reunite. Telling me I was the one. He looked like a wonderful option. Calm, stable and steady after a two-year roller coaster. And much more independent and through his depression. It was a time of turmoil in my home life. Parents divorcing and a house of misery. I was finished with college and my husband and I decided to get an apartment together.

 

One year later, he surprised me with an engagement. Another two years and we were married. A surprise baby quickly on the way and we've since had another.

 

My husband is amazing as a husband and father. He is many women's dream. He helps with everything domestic and related to the kids. He is reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and my best friend. I chose him for all of those reasons. I grew up with chaos and screaming and abuse and he and I never argue. Our kids are happy. Our life is good.

 

However, I often feel that I did just marry my best friend. I don't feel the romantic chemistry that I had in other relationships. I don't look at him and feel that sexual desire. Even when we kiss, after so many years, it feels awkward and I just don't desire it. I've always known this. But I decided that the wonderful person he was was more important than that chemistry. He also was not a romantic. My proposal was being handed a ring in the car. On my wedding day he told me I looked really nice. We never had a moment of wanting a baby together. And when our children were born he focused on everyone being ok but it did not feel sentimental. It's who he is. Or was.

 

So in March '12 I screwed everything up. I have always gotten along better with male friends and had several and I missed that. I was craving male attention and companionship but I had never intended to cross the line. I was bored and lonely and frustrated. I thought a new friend and a change in routine would help. So I went onto Craigslist in the "strictly platonic" section and answered an ad of a man saying he was looking for a gym buddy and friend, that he always got along better with females, he was married and his wife knew about the ad and would want to meet his friend as well. And you pretty much know how this is going to go.

 

We began chatting. My husband was very leery of me meeting someone I replied to online so we chatted first. A lot. Every day. We got along incredibly. We met at the bookstore. Then we introduced spouses. Then we started going to the gym twice a week. Then we'd get to talking in the gym parking lot and never make it inside. We started hanging out other places. Outside playing chess. Out for a drink. This situation is going to make me look stupider and stupider as I go on. Because this man is also a Pastor. With four children. Yeah, I know. But I felt I was safe with him. He shared his sermons with me and I opened up about my marriage to him. The conversations were nothing I had ever had with anyone and I was just high.

 

He called me his best friend. We had the best time. I've never laughed so hard or felt so happy. We started writing silly poems to each other. He started singing my favorite songs with his guitar. I knew I had chemistry with him and as completely stupid as this sounds, one day we discussed kissing, almost as an experiment. Because I honestly, truly wanted to know if the reason I felt so awkward kissing my husband was me or him. And of course the kissing ended up great.

 

We ended up kissing occasionally for weeks. Fast forward and we made love. Once. And it was amazing. Like nothing I had experienced with my husband even while dating. By that point we were both in love. No question from my side that I fell hard. And felt things I've never felt for my husband. Ever. I was so attracted to him. So addicted to him. And he was passionate and romantic, calling me baby and beautiful and all of the things I had never had.

 

My husband found out one night. He got remote access to my computer and watched us chat. And he saw me reference kissing him and saw a photo I had sent that was mildly inappropriate. And of course he exploded. I told him everything and he was hysterical. I was numb. He said it ended that second. All contact. And to make matters worse, we had to leave on a family vacation the next day. And that week together was of course very difficult.

 

I did not end all contact immediately with OM. I felt that it had to be my decision to end it or it wouldn't work. So OM and I continued a bit of chat, though very little. And we saw each other once. But we never had sex again. And the tension had us bickering until there was nothing left. In the end he cut ties with me. And though we had gotten to a point where we had talks about a potential future, he made it clear that he loves and has always loved his wife. It was pretty infuriating to me that he had talked about all of these things he wanted with me and professed such profound love and then just decided one day that it was too much and he wanted to re-dedicate himself to her and she was a much better fit for him than me. Because all along it had been him urging me on, saying it was ok. I hadn't made the first move at any level.

 

Here's the bottom line now. A is over. And I know I was stupid. An idiot. But there has been some good to come out of it. My husband wants to stay. I have told him everything and told him he should leave me, that I would have left him. But he says he's sticking to his vows, that this is our "worse" part of "better or worse" and that it would also make things too easy on me if he just left. He wants us to work at this. And he is doing his part. After finding out all of this, he has stepped it up 100% with poems, flowers, time, affection and attention. My problem is that I am not responding to it. I still feel the same as always, awkward with a lack of chemistry. Platonic. And now he feels like he's smothering me. And when he calls me something like sweetheart it feels so fake, after knowing him for 17 years and never having him speak like that.

 

I am having trouble forgetting OM. I know he and I cannot be. But he honestly felt like a drug to me and the withdrawal is bad. I try to fill my days with activity to stay off of the computer but there are some days I just cry. I'm having difficulty having sex with BS because I find myself thinking of that one night and how different that felt.

 

I don't want to be this cheater. This numb, cold wife. I want to forget OM and I want to feel everything I felt with him with my husband. But I don't know if it's possible or how to get there. How to feel a chemistry that hasn't been there. How to fall in love when I don't think I am. How to desire him when I don't. But I want to. i truly do want to. I enjoy being with him, but I need it to feel like love and passion and connection, not just a best friendship. And I want to stop thinking of OM and having any longing for him. I want to not find the NC to be such a daily struggle. What do i do from here?

 

Your words in bold are why I called your marriage a sham. It sounds like your h has been the rebound man for you. Your first love, the angry abusive guy and now MM.

 

You have never felt passion for your h. You've never loved him in a way that a woman loves a man she marries.

 

So you settled for your h. Then looked else where. He deserves better he deserves a woman who is passionately in love with him. I don't think after all this time of never feeling that way for him that you can turn it on now.

 

It seems as if you are saying you are both very faithful to your faith, religion. Read Songs of Solomon, now that's how two people in love feel.

 

I don't believe God thinks two people should be stuck together. God is a passionate God. Why wouldn't He want His people to have that within a marriage. Don't you see that's why you stepped out of your marriage? I think sexual sin is mentioned more times in the bible than anything else and there's a reason for that. Don't just settle on a marriage with a 'best friend'. It gets you in trouble every time.

 

I hope IC addresses that. Not only he but you deserve much more too!

[mercy]

OP I am curious how you are going to stay married to your husband? You never loved him in a romantic way, never wanted him sexually, was contemplating leaving him before the Pastor pulled the plug. What is going to change now that the affair is over and you are back in your marriage full time? You aren't going to start having the "right" feelings for your husband because you never did. Why would a married woman decide she "craves attention and companionship from males"? Isn't your husband a male?

 

You're right your husband is a good man and you should divorce him and let him find a woman who will give him the love he deserves. You should be free to find a man who doesn't make you crave attention from other men. Let him go because it will never work. The foundation was never there.

 

In bold, EXACTLY!

[Steadfast]

I do not wish to bash, but I will give honest opinion. Realize the difference.

 

If everything you've written is true, then it's clear that you're a very self-centered person. While dating your husband, you cheated because you missed the old boyfriend you weren't over. Meaning, you had no business dating, but did so because it was something you needed. You used him. When the bad boy you craved didn't produce the results you wanted, you returned to hubby for all the wrong reasons. Then the cycle repeated, but this time with the addition of a child and marriage vows. But again, it was what you wanted. What you needed. To feel alive? Safe? Successful?

 

Whatever it is, it's clear is that whatever you don't have, you want.

 

Adulthood, marriage and parenthood cannot survive this situation. When we have dependents, our thinking must turn towards giving and against receiving. Most times, the reward is far greater than we could achieve alone. This takes faith and trust. It takes courage and resolve. Continuing on the present path will lead to despair. For you. For everyone.

 

I admire your honesty and the fact that you recognize your life isn't working. Life is what we make it. The details are many, but the answers will not come until you decide what kind of person you really want to be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The weirdest part is trolling Craigslist for "male attention."

 

It sounds as if you are a deeply troubled individual. I hope you get the right kind of help, and I think that you probably need to be single and your husband needs to be free to find love.

[NotCamelot]

I wonder why you continue to fool a man who has done nothing to deserve it. Why would you think you deserve his financial and other support? Since you assert that you've never loved him anyway, why not tell him and let him decide what to do?

 

Who knows, there are guys that will accept it and continue to keep the spouse regardless. But, I am sure you fear, he will leave or make you leave. I feel that your biggest fear is being alone. You seem to crave attention from any source you can get it.

 

I hate to and don't mean to come across as harsh, but you really don't deserve the H you have. And, most of all, he does not does the way he has been treated. If he has ever meant anything at all to you, even as a "best friend", then he deserves the right to find a true love......if that is what he wants.

 

I'm sorry but you make it very clear that you will never love him. No one here, or anywhere else, can tell you how to develop love for him...or anyone for that matter.

 

Do the RIGHT thing. You know what that is.

[Furious]

Agreed.

 

And something tells me if the OP's husband kicks her to the curb, does a complete 180 on her and starts having sex with other women (and refuses to have sex with her), the OP will suddenly have "chemistry" with her husband.

 

 

She doesn't want him but she wouldn't want anyone else to have him either.

 

It seems she thinks he's a wuss for loving her, and she has no respect for him. She prefers the bad boys and being treated poorly.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Look. I was an idiot. I get it. I realize how f$&@ed up of a situation I got myself into. And i have been bashed 100 times over for what i did. But I do not believe my marriage is a sham. I have 9 years with a wonderful man and two gorgeous kids who were meant to be. And I am taking accountability and being proactive. Divorce is not our choice. So I am seeking advice and support on how to make things better. He deserves that. My kids deserve that. I don't expect a pat on the back. But even if not support, constructive advice would be nice and it's looking like I won't be finding that here.

 

... I don't think you really understand or care how much pain you have put on your husband.

 

At this point you are a serial cheat who is jammed herself up into this marriage with a man she doesn't really love or respect... but who deserves both.

 

Stop asking yourself what's best for you... and start asking what is best for him. Do you feel like you can do something to make this up to your husband? Do you feel like you can tear down this emotional wall that you have built between the two of you?

 

Just so people can get a better feel of why you are not attracted to him it may help to describe your husband and the way he interacts with you regularly.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The weirdest part is trolling Craigslist for "male attention."

It sounds as if you are a deeply troubled individual. I hope you get the right kind of help, and I think that you probably need to be single and your husband needs to be free to find love.

 

I know at least 2 other guys who have had their wife do the same thing. It isn't that uncommon.

[drifter777]

The feeling of love you say you don't have with you husband is romantic love - something that exists between couples for only a short time. Calling romantic love "love" is really not correct as it is simply infatuation and lust that is incredibly exciting. It is a drug and it seems as though you may be a junkie for this kind of false, but exciting, emotional high.

 

If you really want to try to salvage your marriage, if you really mean it and are willing to work hard at it, you may be successful. You both need individual counseling and marriage counseling. Be sure that the marriage counselor is someone other than either of your IC's. You've read the books, you know what you both have to do and how hard it is. If this is the path you choose, I wish you luck.

 

If you find yourself still desiring the attention and excitement you get from being with other men, you should divorce him now instead of hurting him any more. He is afraid right now and is hanging on to the only security he knows, so you need to be the strong one and end the marriage.

 

One final thing; right now your husband is offering you "cheap forgiveness" designed to help HIM through the betrayal you have perpetrated on him. His world is upside down and he is desperately searching for a life raft and thinks that smoothing this whole thing over and putting it in the past is the best thing for him. Maybe it is for now. But I guarantee that the emotional damage you have caused him is going to surface someday and could destroy everything you've worked for - even if you think everything is repaired and your marriage is strong again. You cannot force him to heal, and there is no time frame for his healing. It will happen at some point so at least try to encourage him to open up with his counselor and in MC. Time does NOT heal all wounds.