1st post. My cheating story and deciding where to go from here.

[StormySky]

That sounds a little bit different than:

 

True. Ok. So more details. We had been discussing me having male friends before this night. He had always known me having male friends. We were introduced through one of them. I had more male friends than females growing up and recently I had none. I was missing it and craving that relationship. None of my relationships with male friends in the past ever crossed a line. But I enjoyed that companionship and was missing it. We talked to some mutual male friends about get togethers. Nothing was coming together. So that conversation and those internal thoughts about wanting male friends had happened prior to this night.

 

This night I was on the computer. Discovered the platonic section. Talked through it. "What about this ad, what about a new friend?"

 

Went something like that.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, I'm going to disagree with some posters that I typically agree with. The fact is that divorce is a very viable option and in the case of infidelity, it is many times just the best damn thing to do for a whole hell of a lot of reasons.

 

But I don't think that way in your case, at least not now.

 

I don't mean to be repetitive but I just don't think the chemistry of romantic love lasts. Some go much longer than others but I think for everyone, it fades. The "wow" factor that we have with the other person dies off, the brain chemistry lightens up, and real life intervenes. Some people anticipate this and accept it as a natural progression. Others seem to expect that "high" to stay forever and when it inevitably fades, they decide they're no longer in love, no longer happy, and should move on. Then they chase that "feeling" with someone else. When they feel it again with someone else, it's as if they are now convinced that they weren't "in love" with the previous person. "Gosh, now that I think about it, I haven't been happy for years! Maybe I never loved him." This is called rewriting your marital history. And when your brain is tryin to justify your affair, it is some pretty powerful stuff.

 

The reality is that love is a choice. It may begin with chemistry and ego-stroking and hot sex but that eventually fades. The couples that survive this decline develop a mature love which is based on mutual respect, care, and concern for one another and when that is sustained over a long period, it is truly something remarkable, special, and increasingly rare.

 

Which one will you value more? Stop discussing, thinking about, and offering to give up your H. Make the choice to be dedicated for the long haul. And if you want romantic love (who doesn't), there are books and innumerous articles on how to rebuild it. But don't mistake which one is the higher priority. Look at how your romantic love for the pastor fizzled out. At one point he seemed your soulmate and now you virtually hate the guy. It will be fleeting with anyone.

 

CHOOSE to love your husband and then make the investments to recreate a connection, to develop that mutual respect, care and concern and be commotted to doing it for the long haul. Then watch as you're proud to say how much you love your husband. Especially since he is now clearly in this with you even in the face of your mistakes, I think it would be WAY foolish to discard him.

 

My $.02 anyway.

 

Good luck.

[GLDheart]

It's ok to admit to being an a-hole. You betrayed your marriage, put the security of your children at risk, screwed a married man, a PASTOR (boy can you pick em), and threatened those other children's family unit as well.

 

Damn.

 

I mean, if someone spun tires and drove over my lawn, I'd call them an A-Hole... I'd say with your actions, you safely qualify. ;-)

[Mme. Chaucer]

True. Ok. So more details. We had been discussing me having male friends before this night. He had always known me having male friends. We were introduced through one of them. I had more male friends than females growing up and recently I had none. I was missing it and craving that relationship.

 

I'm sorry, but craving male attention and then seeking it our is NOT even related to "friendship." Obviously these "friendships" of your past weren't much in the way of "friendships" either, or else they would still endure.

 

What happened to all your friends? You don't have even ONE??

 

And nobody gets a new friend by trolling CL motivated by an urge for male "attention." Please.

 

You don't seem like a very honest person, if all of this is for real.

 

And, speaking of "for real" … what is the rationale in this tale for a married pastor, father of four, to be so completely friendless in the world that he needs to resort to CL to find someone to go to the gym with? And then you two become BEST FRIENDS? What a bereft story.

Edited August 24, 2012 by Mme. Chaucer

[mercy]

Ok, I would be scared to death to get on Craigslist looking for a 'friend. I can't even imagine. Would you do it again?

 

What about your desire for male friends. What are you going to do with that want?

 

How will you feel passion for a man you have never felt it for? I mean I know marriages go in waves but to never have it?

 

I see cravings for male 'friends' in your future.

[Artie Lang]

your husband's passivity sounds like "rugsweeping" to me.

 

 

have you written a NC letter?

 

have you provided a timeline of events?

 

have you deleted/blocked all of his(OM) contact information?

 

 

if what you say is true, and you want one more shot at- i can't say rekinldling the passion, as you've stated it was NEVER there -discovering passion for your husband, these steps are necessary. these are things you must do out of your own volition to show how serious you are about reconciliation.

 

 

i don't know if i missed it, but what was the duration of the affair?

[StormySky]

For what it's worth, I'm going to disagree with some posters that I typically agree with. The fact is that divorce is a very viable option and in the case of infidelity, it is many times just the best damn thing to do for a whole hell of a lot of reasons.

 

But I don't think that way in your case, at least not now.

 

I don't mean to be repetitive but I just don't think the chemistry of romantic love lasts. Some go much longer than others but I think for everyone, it fades. The "wow" factor that we have with the other person dies off, the brain chemistry lightens up, and real life intervenes. Some people anticipate this and accept it as a natural progression. Others seem to expect that "high" to stay forever and when it inevitably fades, they decide they're no longer in love, no longer happy, and should move on. Then they chase that "feeling" with someone else. When they feel it again with someone else, it's as if they are now convinced that they weren't "in love" with the previous person. "Gosh, now that I think about it, I haven't been happy for years! Maybe I never loved him." This is called rewriting your marital history. And when your brain is tryin to justify your affair, it is some pretty powerful stuff.

 

The reality is that love is a choice. It may begin with chemistry and ego-stroking and hot sex but that eventually fades. The couples that survive this decline develop a mature love which is based on mutual respect, care, and concern for one another and when that is sustained over a long period, it is truly something remarkable, special, and increasingly rare.

 

Which one will you value more? Stop discussing, thinking about, and offering to give up your H. Make the choice to be dedicated for the long haul. And if you want romantic love (who doesn't), there are books and innumerous articles on how to rebuild it. But don't mistake which one is the higher priority. Look at how your romantic love for the pastor fizzled out. At one point he seemed your soulmate and now you virtually hate the guy. It will be fleeting with anyone.

 

CHOOSE to love your husband and then make the investments to recreate a connection, to develop that mutual respect, care and concern and be commotted to doing it for the long haul. Then watch as you're proud to say how much you love your husband. Especially since he is now clearly in this with you even in the face of your mistakes, I think it would be WAY foolish to discard him.

 

My $.02 anyway.

 

Good luck.

 

This is how I feel and what I want our approach to be. H has started spending time reminding me of days and times way back and he says I am wrong that we never had chemistry. I feel like I am in such a messed up brain fog that I don't even know right now and I definitely think if nothing else I need to go through therapy and cut through this fog rather than walking out because everyone else says I should divorce him. He does know me better than anyone.

 

Thank you for you .02

[StormySky]

I think I said you sounded selfish. You're trying to frame your affair as an aberration of your basic personality and if so you will never understand yourself. I think the affair was a direct consequence of other previous choices and existing attitudes in your life. It is not an aberration.

 

You married a husband you did not really love in a romantic way and to whom you say you were not at all sexually attracted to escape the chaotic family life you grew up in. Your motivation is understandable, but you used your husband and marriage as an escape hatch. That's selfish behavior. You probably learned to be selfish from how you were raised.

 

The first thing to come to grips with is that--at least where it counts in your relationship--yes, you are very selfish. You may be generous in other respects but that doesn't offset your selfishness in this one key aspect of your life.

 

Point taken and I agree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

More likely all this activity external to your marriage is not a reflection of generosity, but rather, a mechanism to escape from what is an unhappy marriage. And all the PTA bake sales and church spagehtti dinners in the world can't make up for selfishness in your marriage.

 

If you want to save your marriage it would be a very good idea to give up all this peripheral activity indefinitely and spend a lot more time at home with your husband. Learn to say "no." You sound like the typical "people pleaser" housefrau but that doesn't make up for an unhappy marriage. You should be seeking personal & emotional validation from your husband, not strangers.

 

Also mostly agree. I think part of my problem is that I already spend way TOO much time at home, hence the chance for all of the chat I engaged in. So I actually think more outside activity is very important - things with the kids, and I've also signed myself up for some classes for my own hobbies. And I've encouraged H to do the same. Because fact is we spend a TON of time together. Every night 5:30-11ish plus every weekend. I am not out volunteering during those times.

 

But I would say we are very much lacking in quality alone time. It's pretty rare we get a day or night out. And one step we have already taken is one night a week sans kids.

 

And I also agree that I was getting validation from outside sources. Definitely. But this past month H has been doing this where he was not before so I think we have started in a better direction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your affair is a consequence of the whole accumulation of decisions you made in your relationship with your husband for 17 years. You just didn't act on it until six months ago. If you look at it in isolation it's easy to say "The affair was such a surprise, it just happened, that isn't me." And you will never find the answers about yourself that you need--whether that means you stay married or get divorced--you still need those answers.

 

 

 

 

 

The mere fact you would say "I've been unselfish" and then immediately talk about "my needs" is a contradiction. All those bake sales you went to, you went to for your own validation--it made you feel good and needed. You weren't being a self-sacrificing martyr.

 

point taken and agree

 

I won't continue to break down your post. I'll just say that I do think you are right about a majority of it and I appreciate your investment in this thread and insight. It is making me look at myself differently and it's helpful. Particularly it's eye opening to see how selfish I have been when I am always regarded as being such an unselfish person. That and the fact that I am acting just like my mother which has always been exactly what I do NOT want to be. So there is no question I'm going to address these things in depth. I will NOT become that woman.

 

I am definitely not "all good" and would never say so. And yes, every part of this was an a-hole move. And Pastor's wife no doubt would have choice words for me. (Although quite frankly that woman is a damn idiot. Because she consistently allows her husband to engage in behaviors that are inappropriate with her knowledge.)

 

See the difference is you are giving me constructive criticism. That I really need and value. It's different than just posting "divorce him," "what an idiot" "selfish a-whole," "serial cheater" etc. Those posts accomplish nothing. I think they are just throwing a label and saying "forget this one" and that trying to change myself and fix my marriage is a waste of time. And I just disagree. So coming on here to read it over and over isn't helpful and really just makes me want to give up on the thread.

[BetrayedH]

I also tend to think that the liklihood that you "never" had that romantic chemistry seems pretty darn slim. It's just faded horribly and been a long time since you looked at him that way. My wife did the same thing. Once she had our first son, she truly became a mother instead of a wife. And she turned me into a father/provider/business partner rather than a lover. About 7 years later she started wanting that passion again, someone to bend her over and take her with unlimited desire. She wanted that thrill of someone being totally into you so much that they couldn't resist you. And when she met someone (her boss) that was interested in her life, stories, career, her body - well, compared to her "vanilla" husband - I didn't stand a chance. Hell, I didn't have a clue I was in a competition for my wife. This is besides the fact that she chose me as the responsible husband/father/provider rather than some bad boy that wouldn't nearly fit the bill for those things.

 

The reality is that you can have both. And at one point in time, you were very caught up with your future husband and were probably happy as hell on your wedding day. But it takes a hell of a lot of work and none of us, myself included, had the handbook. There's a book called, Not Just Friends, that I wish was required reading before ever being issued a marriage certificate. If my wife and I has read that book, I don't think any of this ever would have happened. Instead, we fell into the normal traps that seems to beset every damn couple out there. After a year and a half of looking at this subject everyday, the consistency of the patterns is absolutely astonishing. It's almost a phase that every couple needs to go through. At this point, I think the goal is to interrupt the damage as soon as possible and start digging out ASAP. Some are so fsr down the rabbit hole that it's damn near impossible. In your case, you absolutely have a gift in a husband that has the wisdom (he hopes it is wise anyway) to see the two of you together on the other end of this thing. I hope you truly embrace him for that. My wife couldn't do the hard work, cut her losses, and the lives of our whole family are left in the wake of her selfishness and cowardice. I feel the most for my kids who have lost their nuclear family and can't do a damn thing about it except pretend they're ok with it. I hope you do better. I suggest you give more and you will find that you get more. Develop a passionate life and start looking at your husband as your only sexual option and partner in life. Then build on it. Open yourself up to him, be vulnerable to him, spice things up, talk to each other about what you want, date each other again. It can be done. But not while you are mulling over other choices. Go in with both feet and stay there. When there are problems, confront them head-on and never let resentment build up ever again.

 

Ok, enough rambling. I see hope in your situation and it gets me all riled up.

[worldgonewrong]

He is putting in tremendous effort. There is some good to be had here. I had told him what I needed for our marriage to be better for me for years. I was missing something and strayed to find it. It doesn't make it at all OK but he has said this was his own wake up call. And that while i never should have gone so far, it has changed him for the better and it made him stop taking me for granted and finally get in touch with his emotions that had been shut off all along and that I had been trying so hard to tap in to.

 

And where is YOUR heavy-lifting?

I'm glad you recognize his effort/wake-up call/change, but it seems the onus is ALL on him.

Did you stop to think what HE requires from a healthy marriage? Did you stop to think that you took him for granted by your unfaithfulness?

If you stop and look at what you wrote, I'm sorry, but it comes across as incredibly self-absorbed and there's a lot of projection. Obviously you weren't in touch with your emotions that had been shut off, otherwise you wouldn't have strayed. You need to look within, massively so.

I feel sorry for your husband.

[stillafool]

 

 

I do think I have a bit of a computer addiction that needs to be addressed.

 

Now you are blaming the computer. Posting an ad on Craigslist for male attention is something you did because you were sexually starved and needed that kind of attention. Just admit it! Staying with your husband isn't going to make those feelings go away. Some women could stay in a marriage such as yours with no problem but you admit to needing male attention and will look for it again when this is over. If you find yourself going in that direction please divorce your husband.

 

What are you doing for your husband right now to make this up to him?

[stillafool]

=BetrayedH;4213843

The reality is that you can have both. And at one point in time, you were very caught up with your future husband and were probably happy as hell on your wedding day.

 

 

She has admitted that she has never had romantic, passionate feelings for her husband.

[StormySky]

Not going to address every bit again. But again I will say thank you for your time and feedback. It really is eye opening and I agree with a lot of what you said seeing it through your words. In particular:

 

And you know what? It IS "you." It's ALWAYS been you. That's another part of the reality that you're insistently in denial of. The sexual excitement you generated for the Pastor wasn't coming from the Pastor. IT WAS COMING FROM INSIDE OF YOU. YOU generated it.

 

And most likely if you weren't so messed up, and allowed yourself to do it, you could actually generate sexual excitement for your own h, too.

 

But you can't because then you might have a normal healthy marital relationship and you're not allowed to have one of those. You have to have a miserable unhappy marriage because that's what you were raised in.

 

"What you were and are missing" is not external. It is entirely inside of yourself.

 

You are describing internal, subjective feelings. They come from within yourself. Not from an external source. You CHOSE to feel excitement and attraction to Pastor Dushe.

 

I hope you are right with this. Because see, if this is the case, if I can work on myself, I can improve my marriage.

 

On this, however, you are dead wrong. And I'm certain my husband would openly disagree with you.

Did it ever occur to you that it was your fault he wasn't open to it? You were never really open to it either. Please don't come here saying you were never sexually attracted to your husband but then claiming you ever really encouraged any excitement in the bedroom. No doubt like other women who are frigid with their spouses, you did everything in your power to discourage him from touching you.

 

I am not, nor have ever been "frigid" with him. We have always been very sexually active. But we have had very different styles in the bedroom. He is a pretty straightforward guy and over the past years when I have brought up trying new things he has said he is uncomfortable with it. A normal "session" if you will for us would consist of me initiating, him being fulfilled after a few minutes of straightforward sex and me still left wanting. Things I had suggested were not extreme. Talking during sex, trying somewhere other than the bedroom, buying new lingerie, buying some basic "toys." He did not want to do these things and it frustrated me so much.

 

So you are wrong in your assumptions, lumping me with "other women" and claiming I discouraged him from touching me. Completely off the mark. There are women like myself who are very sexual married to men who are not. He is currently trying new things. And I think this will improve. But we both have healing to do because of my A before it will work I think because now he is acting very turned on by me and I have reached a point of feeling pretty disgusted with myself so we are out of sync. But I think we can get there.

[StormySky]

He is a Pastor, DuckSoup. No question.

[StormySky]

Ok, I would be scared to death to get on Craigslist looking for a 'friend. I can't even imagine. Would you do it again?

 

Hell to the no. Did it once and here I am. Would never do so again.

 

What about your desire for male friends. What are you going to do with that want?

 

We've talked about this. And I don't have an answer except for therapy. We have discussed him having his friends over and me maybe hanging out with "the guys" if I enjoy that. But he will be there. Always.

[BetrayedH]

She has admitted that she has never had romantic, passionate feelings for her husband.

 

I just don't believe it. Rewritten marital history to mentally justify the affair. Viewed thru the lens of an affair, a long marriage looks anything but romantic or passionate. That said, I respect it if you take her at her word.

[StormySky]

your husband's passivity sounds like "rugsweeping" to me.

 

 

have you written a NC letter?

 

have you provided a timeline of events?

 

have you deleted/blocked all of his(OM) contact information?

 

 

if what you say is true, and you want one more shot at- i can't say rekinldling the passion, as you've stated it was NEVER there -discovering passion for your husband, these steps are necessary. these are things you must do out of your own volition to show how serious you are about reconciliation.

 

 

i don't know if i missed it, but what was the duration of the affair?

 

No to the letter. I think. Explain a NC letter? I have gone NC, and yes I have deleted/blocked him.

 

Don't understand timeline of events either.

 

Affair was about 5 months total. 1st month chat only. 2nd month we actually met and spent time together. Months 3-4 became physical. Mostly kissing. Sex once. Month 5 resumed chat only and fighting/ending it.

[StormySky]

Now you are blaming the computer.

 

I don't blame the computer for my affair. That's ludicrous and your interpretation. Never said that.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am not, nor have ever been "frigid" with him. We have always been very sexually active. But we have had very different styles in the bedroom. He is a pretty straightforward guy and over the past years when I have brought up trying new things he has said he is uncomfortable with it. A normal "session" if you will for us would consist of me initiating, him being fulfilled after a few minutes of straightforward sex and me still left wanting. Things I had suggested were not extreme. Talking during sex, trying somewhere other than the bedroom, buying new lingerie, buying some basic "toys." He did not want to do these things and it frustrated me so much.

 

So you are wrong in your assumptions, lumping me with "other women" and claiming I discouraged him from touching me. Completely off the mark. There are women like myself who are very sexual married to men who are not. He is currently trying new things. And I think this will improve. But we both have healing to do because of my A before it will work I think because now he is acting very turned on by me and I have reached a point of feeling pretty disgusted with myself so we are out of sync. But I think we can get there.

 

Couple points on this. Is he really just finishing and then rolling over to sleep? At what point did that behavior start? Any triggers that you can think of?

 

Some guys like me struggle when women initiate. I don't know why but it really turns me off. If he isn't initiating sex with you... then there is a big problem. It could range from sexual insecurity to lack of emotional attraction to you. I think most common is insecurity.

 

You both really screwed this marriage up somewhere along the line and never bothered to put in the effort to fix it. Now... the work is 10 times harder and it may not even be possible to salvage.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't blame the computer for my affair. That's ludicrous and your interpretation. Never said that.

 

Use the Ignore button for those who are just trying to heckle you.

[stillafool]

I don't blame the computer for my affair. That's ludicrous and your interpretation. Never said that.

 

Oh, can't you take a joke? You didn't answer the rest of my post.

[StormySky]

Couple points on this. Is he really just finishing and then rolling over to sleep? At what point did that behavior start? Any triggers that you can think of?

 

Some guys like me struggle when women initiate. I don't know why but it really turns me off. If he isn't initiating sex with you... then there is a big problem. It could range from sexual insecurity to lack of emotional attraction to you. I think most common is insecurity.

 

You both really screwed this marriage up somewhere along the line and never bothered to put in the effort to fix it. Now... the work is 10 times harder and it may not even be possible to salvage.

 

Something came out of this whole thing that I never knew before. When all of this blew up and he discovered the A he told me a day or two later that he had been sexually abused during his entire childhood by a much older boy and he thinks it has lead to his problems in the bedroom. 17 years I have known him and never knew this. So yes, he did screw up as well never addressing his issues and he needs help too that goes beyond the A. I think I deserved to know that at some point, and he owed it to himself and us to address it. And I wonder how different things may have been before the A if I knew this and if we had talked about it and gotten help. But I had no idea.

 

Yes, he has initiated too. But in the past it has always been a quiet and quick session with him finishing once or twice and me maybe once, usually by my own efforts. He had never been very attentive to my needs in the bedroom. Though I wouldn't say he was at all cold. It was just his way and he wasn't acknowledging the problem or my asking for more.

 

Thanks for the "ignore" tip.

[worldgonewrong]

(Love shack could really use that emoticon which is psyduck with its head exploding.)

 

http://i.somethingawful.com/forumsystem/emoticons/emot-psyboom.gif

 

hahahaha!

[StormySky]

Alright, my funny friend, here ya go.

Now you are blaming the computer. Posting an ad on Craigslist for male attention is something you did because you were sexually starved and needed that kind of attention. Just admit it! Staying with your husband isn't going to make those feelings go away. Some women could stay in a marriage such as yours with no problem but you admit to needing male attention and will look for it again when this is over. If you find yourself going in that direction please divorce your husband.

 

What are you doing for your husband right now to make this up to him?

 

I think there is a high likelihood that if we work on this and through therapy and better communication he learns what I need (and i learn his needs better as well) that I could be much better fulfilled both inside and outside of the bedroom and it would diminish my need for outside attention. If after a true 100% effort I found myself looking again, I agree without question divorce would be necessary.

 

What am I doing right now for him?

Having a nice chat while he's having a slow day at work and making plans for our date night tomorrow.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Something came out of this whole thing that I never knew before. When all of this blew up and he discovered the A he told me a day or two later that he had been sexually abused during his entire childhood by a much older boy and he thinks it has lead to his problems in the bedroom. 17 years I have known him and never knew this. So yes, he did screw up as well never addressing his issues and he needs help too that goes beyond the A. I think I deserved to know that at some point, and he owed it to himself and us to address it. And I wonder how different things may have been before the A if I knew this and if we had talked about it and gotten help. But I had no idea.

 

Whoa! That is a game changer.

 

Don't blame him for not telling you. The shame involved in that kind of abuse is intense.

 

The effort you put into fixing your marriage will make both of you much happier in the future... even if you have to divorce.

 

 

 

Yes, he has initiated too. But in the past it has always been a quiet and quick session with him finishing once or twice and me maybe once, usually by my own efforts. He had never been very attentive to my needs in the bedroom. Though I wouldn't say he was at all cold. It was just his way and he wasn't acknowledging the problem or my asking for more.

Thanks for the "ignore" tip.

 

Well, with the above info.... I think you can expect him to struggle with healthy sexual relationships and even emotional displays.

 

If you are not already doing this... try to make him feel like you respect him. Pick out something he is good at every once in a while and chat with him about it... giving him positive reinforcement... telling him how great you think he is at it.

 

Often times after an affair people just focus on the trust issues and neglect the fact that it is VERY hard to love someone you don't respect. Affairs can just completely destroy that dynamic.