1st post. My cheating story and deciding where to go from here.

[GG2W]

To be up front, I prey on married women, I have a fetish for seeing a wedding ring on my sex partner. I am just there for the sex, especially nasty sex.

 

And time after time I get told we have such great sexual chemistry, if only my husband was like you.

 

But that is the point, I am not their husband, I don't have to help them with the kids, I don't have to go with them to visit your boring aunt and uncle, I don't have slave 8 hours a day or more to support you. I can be anything they want me to be, as long as I get my jollies off between their legs, I can be a rough as I want to be. Who are they going to tell.

 

I get to play the part of the stud in their sexual fantasy, and that is the reason we have such great chemistry. And the truth is they at one time had this with their husband, but years of familiarity and having to be a loving husband rather than a sex crazed stud they think that their sexual tryst with me are that much more exciting.

 

Lady you were a POA to the preacher. This was not his first rodeo, and you can be sure he is already out fishing for a new POA

[Charlie Harper]

Last Post is very hard but true, I have been on that situation and its not nice. I got tired and feeling empty because as much as I was usun women there were using me and my emotional life was shallow (full of exciting situations and very loving and caring women but in the end I was just a tool) Now back on topic.

 

I am really happy that your H told about the terrible things he experience while young, he has finally opined up to you ITS GREAT because it means he wants to connect with you and also he shared maybe his most precious dark place with you ITS GOLD. Now you also have shared with him the A the mistakes and other stuff...WORK on those experiences, why how and what to do next... Id advise for you both to get IC and then maybe together seek help as a couple.... He still wants you and loves you... Nobody would share that info he told you if he did not trust you anymore....

 

Its going to be a struggle and and uphill marathon but I guess its worth it. You were vulnerable and a a-ole took advantage, he had a really bad experience and bottled up... resolve those and I guess you and Him will feel better ....not very soon but it will be noticeable if you both really want to be happy.

[GLDheart]

To be up front, I prey on married women, I have a fetish for seeing a wedding ring on my sex partner. I am just there for the sex, especially nasty sex.

 

You disgust me.

[Douchbag]

You are making some big assumptions there. First off, we are equal as far as the finances. And I do not feel I "deserve" any of his support. In fact I don't think i deserve it at all. And I have flat out told him I am not in love with him and I don't know if I have ever been. As I mentioned, nothing in this thread would be news to him. He said he refuses to leave and wants us to keep our vows and work at this and he's not giving up.

 

 

 

I have told him I don't deserve him. However, I will also not say he is the portrait of perfection. He is being made out to be nothing but the catch of all catches in this thread I feel. And he did play a part in the downfall of our relationship. How did he play a part in your cheating?And let's be clear, I am not saying that his flaws in any way justified or made him deserving of an affair. That is all on me. I'm talking where we stood before this started.

And know this comes to you as a shock? You have always known how he is*sigh* you have never loved him.. According to your self. So have enough respect for both of you and stop drag your husband in your cheating ways..

[Douchbag]

I don't disagree with you here. And we've thought about it. But we don't see what good could come to our situation out of it. It pisses me off. And H of course. No doubt. But the phone calls or face-to-face or chance of confrontation or violence isn't worth it. Plus we have handled this very maturely in front of our children. But I can't guarantee they would be spared if a raging H or W was on my front lawn.

 

fyi, not that it makes anything better, but I was not his parishioner.

 

So you are basically protecting your self then.

[Wanderer25]

OP, here the situation is black and white. There is no grey area here. You are a piece of work. You don't deserve your family. You are broken(maybe from childhood issues you mentioned) and you are not relationship material . You should not have married in the first place.

You get along with men more because they pander to your self serving entitled piece of ass while women call on your bull****!!. Do your H a favor and divorce him. He will be devastated but he will survive. Don't kill him everyday for the rest of your life

[StormySky]

My thanks to many who have replied for the insight, advice, recommendations, and new questions you have brought to light.

 

H and I have been having conversation like we've NEVER had before these past several days and we're on a road to recovery. To where that road may lead us only time, therapy, and ourselves can answer. But even at this moment we're headed out to be alone for the night and talk like we haven't ever before. We are starting to connect and not hide from each other. We're starting to make some progress and feeling optimistic right now. And I legitimately believe we have a chance and there is a good marriage to be saved here.

 

I am going to let this thread go because though it has been helpful, it's also abundantly clear that the overall feedback I'm going to continue to get is "divorce him" regardless of how often I say that it NOT OUR CHOICE. I am invested in this, invested in him, invested in us, and in changing myself. And fact is only he and I know what we feel, want, think is best for us, and are capable of.

 

My thanks for those who put thoughtful time into my situation. Just wanted to let you know I will no longer be on the thread for feedback.

 

Best of luck in your own situations.

[BetrayedH]

My thanks to many who have replied for the insight, advice, recommendations, and new questions you have brought to light.

 

H and I have been having conversation like we've NEVER had before these past several days and we're on a road to recovery. To where that road may lead us only time, therapy, and ourselves can answer. But even at this moment we're headed out to be alone for the night and talk like we haven't ever before. We are starting to connect and not hide from each other. We're starting to make some progress and feeling optimistic right now. And I legitimately believe we have a chance and there is a good marriage to be saved here.

 

I am going to let this thread go because though it has been helpful, it's also abundantly clear that the overall feedback I'm going to continue to get is "divorce him" regardless of how often I say that it NOT OUR CHOICE. I am invested in this, invested in him, invested in us, and in changing myself. And fact is only he and I know what we feel, want, think is best for us, and are capable of.

 

My thanks for those who put thoughtful time into my situation. Just wanted to let you know I will no longer be on the thread for feedback.

 

Best of luck in your own situations.

 

Still healthy to come back from time to time for a reality check and an update. In the meantime, good luck.

[Wanderer25]

I am invested in this, invested in him, invested in us, and in changing myself.

 

Like hell you are!! Stop lying to atleast one person: Yourself.

 

To be honest, you sound like a narcissist. You just don't realize what you did. You get it to some extent but you don't realize what you did. The affair ended when the OM dumped you. You never got over him. It wouldn't have ended otherwise. If you are meeting a therapist(IC not MC), ask and discuss with him about this(You probably won't, considering your H enables you so much)

 

Good luck.

[Spark1111]

I spent a lot of time today talking to him about how this was not his fault. That even though he didn't listen to the things i needed (here he had said "yeah, but you told me, and I just never took you seriously. I won't do that again") NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and that I regret it and it was sooooo not worth it. I do think that I am different than many other cheaters in that I am a very honest person. Yes, I lied during the affair. So I don't have a strong argument. But I can say that now there is nothing he doesn't know and I am openly discussing this thread with him as well. I keep getting feedback asking if he knows how I really feel, etc. And the answer is yes, yes to all of it.

 

Anyway, I talked to him a lot today about how I don't deserve this rewarding treatment. That he should be the one telling me he didn't deserve this. That it's ok to be angry. He is just not an angry person, ever. So I don't believe this will manifest itself typically either. I've told him that the consensus is that now that I've done it twice I'm a serial cheater and he also knows I don't love him to the depth that he loves me so again today I discussed whether I should just leave to avoid being cruel. But that is not what I want.

 

Today's conversation did make some progress for me because I do realize that I do love him. It just isn't romantic. But while I sit here and apologize and cry and say i should just go he tells me he loves me more than anyone ever will and he refuses to give up. That he knows I'm not healthy right now but wants to support me through this and also wants me to give him the chance to become a man I crave in the ways I haven't. And I just think I'd be an absolute fool to give him up in the chances of finding someone who turns me on.

 

This is all good news! When we are told that communication is the key to intimacy, you understand the value of this advice, yes?

 

And it's not about the bills, the house, the kids, etc.

 

It is about sharing from our hearts, and it is not unusual for an affair to be the cathartic impetus that starts that type of communication.

[Spark1111]

I grew up in an unstable and abusive environment. I'm from a line of drug and alcohol addicts. And we also never stayed in one location long. I had a father who was rarely home and when he was had a volatile temper and was abusive. He did not fill any needs for me other than financial really. My husband offered stability, a constant presence, calm, trust, reliability, support. He took a fatherly roles in many ways and I also filled his motherly role. We took care of each other. We took turns working and putting each other through college, even graduate degrees. We both turned out far more educated than our families and neither of us has ever done a drug, or drank in excess. We have never been violent to each other or sworn at each other. I am the only one in my family who can say any of this.

 

I don't think I'm reluctant to look at myself. I very much want to. I've been reading so much and have started therapy. I have voluntarily gone to therapy multiple times in my past, although it was related to my parents and not my marriage. I know that it is all related. That for as much as I broke the cycle of my family past I still seek out the drama I grew up with and after a while the constant calm eats at me.

 

 

 

I don't think I had a right to cheat on him.

 

Here is where you dig deep, really painfully deep. You are physically, chemically attracted to unavailable men, who in reality, do not treat you very well.

 

You find that TYPE of man, very, very exciting as it may parallel daddy.

 

Our attachment styles, and WHO we choose to attach to, are not coincidences.

 

There ARE reasons we are attracted to another. Some are healthy and self-loving and self-protective. Others may be dangerous, but very, very exciting to us.

 

There are no accidents. Something in you chose the dramatic, exciting, dangerous, and unhealthy pastor....

 

What was it?

 

You need to go there.

 

Your H needs to examine his childhood SA.

 

Good luck to you. Keep talking from the heart.

 

The only question you need to ask is WHY?