1st post. My cheating story and deciding where to go from here.

[veryhappy]

You might be overevaluating the quality of sex with the pastor because it only happened once

If you had enough time, you might have learnt that it was mainly a sum of all your expectations and anticipation.

 

If divorce is not an option, I have two suggestions: first, your husband needs to become a little less available to you, and second you can try trickig yourself into those intense feelings you are looking for by having new experiences together. He by himself as the platonic nice husband will not get you excited. So take whatever romantic scenario you have ij your head, try it out with him and see if it works. For example you could have talks in a parking lot for a few months with no kissing - and then you finally kiss when there's sexual tension. You need new experiences, and not flowers and poems.

 

You have a good man, and he'd probably find a woman very happy to have him. Don't punish him to a life sentence of feeling bad for nto being enough for you, when it's not his fault that he was never quite working for you.

[scatterd]

This is so sad, you are a very lucky woman. You have a wonderful Husband, who would do anything for you. It's too bad you're married him, and had no attraction toward him. If you do not have that from the beginning, I doubt you ever will. He deserves a woman to desire him.Counseling is not going to help with that. You need to dig deep within yourself and figure out what is important to you. The kind of love your husband is offering or the lust and romance. Furthermore, you need to think of your husband and his needs. Can you give him what he deserves? You have hurt him by falling for a pastor. Sounds like a Demon got a hold of you and sent a false prophet your way and You have an Angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. Really In all seriousness why him? That need for lust has you in a fog. When you Get over him; you will understand. Your husband was not the one who cheated, and he is trying to work on his self to satisfy you.Talk about charming so many women would love to have him. Take a good look at him and see what you could lose.

[stillafool]

 

You have a good man, and he'd probably find a woman very happy to have him.

 

So true! I can think of 6 right now who would be estatic over him! Go ahead OP, let him go and you will see he will not be lonely for long.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

My husband is amazing as a husband and father. He is many women's dream. He helps with everything domestic and related to the kids. He is reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and my best friend. I chose him for all of those reasons. I grew up with chaos and screaming and abuse and he and I never argue. Our kids are happy. Our life is good.

 

However, I often feel that I did just marry my best friend. I don't feel the romantic chemistry that I had in other relationships. I don't look at him and feel that sexual desire. Even when we kiss, after so many years, it feels awkward and I just don't desire it. I've always known this. But I decided that the wonderful person he was was more important than that chemistry. He also was not a romantic.

 

Is it his physical appearance? Is it the lack of romance? Could it be that you two speak different love languages (The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman)?

 

I'd bet that your husband expresses love through acts of service, and yours is very different (words of affirmation, gifts).

 

So in March '12 I screwed everything up. I have always gotten along better with male friends and had several and I missed that. I was craving male attention and companionship but I had never intended to cross the line. I was bored and lonely and frustrated. I thought a new friend and a change in routine would help. So I went onto Craigslist in the "strictly platonic" section and answered an ad of a man saying he was looking for a gym buddy and friend, that he always got along better with females, he was married and his wife knew about the ad and would want to meet his friend as well. And you pretty much know how this is going to go.

 

My fWW could've written the first part about male companionship, etc. She expressed the same sentiment. For me to reconcile with her I required her to do some serious soul searching to understand why she prefers male companionship over female, why she needs external male validation, why she thought socializing with another male was okay, why she lacked basic boundaries, why she had low self-esteem, why she was a conflict-avoider? These questions had to be sufficiently answered. Are you willing to look deep into the dark places of your self?

 

Yeah, she was self-delusional with the "I had never intended to cross the line" crap, too. Like you, she chose to ignore a dozen flaming red flags along the way (which tells me that it wasn't so innocent).

 

Bottom line: the road to recovery is long and very hard. For you, is this marriage worth it? Are you willing to put in the work? We're not talking about months, but years. From what you have shared with us, I don't think that you want it bad enough.

Edited August 22, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[veryhappy]

People bond in highly charged situations, so instead of expecting him to give her a dopamine rush, they can have experiences that do that and he'll be associates with the experience. I have no idea what's exciting for her, sky diving, etc. The point is living exciting moments with the husband and that could trigger the passionate feelings.

 

We often do the same things in the same context with different lovers. I wasn't expecting her to actually go have lengthy conversations in parking lots. The point is to so the things that would work for her and let her husband know.

[Spark1111]

People bond in highly charged situations, so instead of expecting him to give her a dopamine rush, they can have experiences that do that and he'll be associates with the experience. I have no idea what's exciting for her, sky diving, etc. The point is living exciting moments with the husband and that could trigger the passionate feelings.

 

We often do the same things in the same context with different lovers. I wasn't expecting her to actually go have lengthy conversations in parking lots. The point is to so the things that would work for her and let her husband know.

 

And I think this is very good advice!

 

When we fall in love, we spend about 15 hours per week talking to our lover....think about that....talking and listening and giggling and laughing...about everything under the sun.

 

We also pull out all the stops to make our time together special and rewarding and fun and tender. We plan excitement into our dates, and only focus on each other...not the kids, the mortgage, the inlaws, the yard.

 

We send notes and cards of appreciation. We write poems or take pictures. We share our interests and our recreational activities. We invest time and emotions.

 

We turn off the tv and listen to music. Buy wine. Cook fine food. Read together....and watch scary movies or ride the ferris wheel so we can clutch each other.

 

CD....good advice for ALL couples wishing to re-ignite the sparks.

[NotCamelot]

The point is living exciting moments with the husband and that could trigger the passionate feelings.

 

This helped my situation tremendously. Get back to why you are together in the first place. I did not discuss it with my wife (WS), I just did it. And we are having a wonderful time because of it. It worked for me. I feel that it could work for lots of couples that stay together. There is a reason you were together to begin with. Try to get to that stage again.....it could be the best thing you do.

[BetrayedH]

Keep your vows. Restore your marriage. Get over yourself and be grateful for what you have. It is your job to fix this marriage.

[Charlie Harper]

OP welcome to my world !!! hahahaha.

 

Now on a serious note I am Appalled of al the negativity here towards your situation. Its so easy to paint everything the same color or to see it black or white, when its a lot more complicated.

 

I can relate to your situation because I have seen people tell me about perfect husbands or wifes and they are not enough. Sometimes chemistry is so important than no matter what they do you don't get exited, you don't get butterflies on the stomach etc. The automatic smile someone you love that brings to you without saying a word.

Oh yes is so easy to say, he is a loving husband great parent so you must be automatically happy Right? Not that simple.

 

Yes a lot of people settle and have a decent no trouble life with no big expectation or roller coasters , its perfectly acceptable to do so, as is perfectly acceptable to go for security.

 

ARE YOU HAPPY ???? that is the bottom line....ok if you stay are you willing to CARRY THE BURDEN OF MAKING YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY? sorry but that is his work to be Happy NOT YOURS.

 

My advice do whatever you need to do to be happy and not hurt people in the long run, let your husband decide for himself how to be happy, you are NOT a product that if you stay he will be happy and if you go he will be miserable, if he is such a wonderful guy, chances are he will find a wonderful woman very soon.

 

I live in a very similar situation but once a vase is broken, no matter what, it is impossible to put together again. To make matter worse in my case I am a chick magnet, so go figure!!!

 

Be honest and have integrity and do what is right (whatever that is), at least you confesed and you are not a liar. Also keep in mind that you are vulnerable and that is why the Pastor played you like a cheap piano, so if you leave don't go into another relationship right away, because chances are your vulnerability will make you do worse.

[StormySky]

 

My suggestion for you is to continue MC and IC,in order to improve yourself and your marriage. You need to dig deep in order to understand why you crave drama and have bad boundaries. Sometimes it is behaviors learned in our families growing up.

 

Best of luck as you continue your journey of introspection!

 

 

Ok, attempting to respond to all of the feedback. Sorry if I mess up the quoting, etc.

 

I think this is huge for me. I do crave drama. And I need to explore it thoroughly in counseling. And yes, I think it is about growing up.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I was glad to read your success story.

[Spark1111]

OP welcome to my world !!! hahahaha.

 

Now on a serious note I am Appalled of al the negativity here towards your situation. Its so easy to paint everything the same color or to see it black or white, when its a lot more complicated.

 

I can relate to your situation because I have seen people tell me about perfect husbands or wifes and they are not enough. Sometimes chemistry is so important than no matter what they do you don't get exited, you don't get butterflies on the stomach etc. The automatic smile someone you love that brings to you without saying a word.

Oh yes is so easy to say, he is a loving husband great parent so you must be automatically happy Right? Not that simple.

 

Yes a lot of people settle and have a decent no trouble life with no big expectation or roller coasters , its perfectly acceptable to do so, as is perfectly acceptable to go for security.

 

ARE YOU HAPPY ???? that is the bottom line....ok if you stay are you willing to CARRY THE BURDEN OF MAKING YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY? sorry but that is his work to be Happy NOT YOURS.

 

My advice do whatever you need to do to be happy and not hurt people in the long run, let your husband decide for himself how to be happy, you are NOT a product that if you stay he will be happy and if you go he will be miserable, if he is such a wonderful guy, chances are he will find a wonderful woman very soon.

 

I live in a very similar situation but once a vase is broken, no matter what, it is impossible to put together again. To make matter worse in my case I am a chick magnet, so go figure!!!

 

Be honest and have integrity and do what is right (whatever that is), at least you confesed and you are not a liar. Also keep in mind that you are vulnerable and that is why the Pastor played you like a cheap piano, so if you leave don't go into another relationship right away, because chances are your vulnerability will make you do worse.

 

Charlie...you make some very valid points.

 

But whether you married for security or not, you still decided together to bring children into the union.

 

And when SS felt she needed male attention, did she communicate her needs to her spouse? Why wasn't he her first choice for the gym? Because she was already bored to tears with him already. Did she tell him that?

 

And when she began to feel he is a great guy but, did she tell him we need to go to MC now because I am feeling a lack of desire and attraction to you?

 

And when the pstor and she began to talk, talk, talk, did she come home and say I love conversation. Today I talked with X about and......I would love to talk to you that way?

 

No, of course not.

 

Look, people can and do outgrow a spouse or a relationship. Try to fix it, and if it isn't fixable, then start making amicable plans to separate and divorce. Happens every day.

 

They don't go along to get along, allowing a spouse who seemingly loves you, to operate under false assumptions while they carry on an affair.

 

Affairs, the equivalent of lobbing a grenade into a relationship, solves absolutely nothing and creates terrible heartache to everyone involved.

 

If she didn't love him, why did she marry him? If she didn't love him, why have children with him? If she felt her needs were nor being met, why not communicate them?

 

I grow weary of people making poor choices, not knowing their hearts or their minds, and leaving a path of destruction in their wake of selfishness forever drifting in the wind waiting for circumstances and strangers to come along and make them happier.

 

Learn your heart. Learn your mind. Own your choices. Fix it, or leave it with honesty and integrity.

[Spark1111]

Ok, attempting to respond to all of the feedback. Sorry if I mess up the quoting, etc.

 

I think this is huge for me. I do crave drama. And I need to explore it thoroughly in counseling. And yes, I think it is about growing up.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I was glad to read your success story.

 

Drama can feel familar. Chaotic childhood? Drama releases adrenalin and makes everyone feel more alive, more important.

 

Maybe your one sane choice was marrying a man who made you feel safe and secure; a devoted husband and a wonderful father by your accounts.

 

Maybe you are not bored with him. Maybe you are bored with yourself and projecting that onto him.

 

Good luck in IC and MC. Throw out all gifts, emails, texts, and change the songs on your Ipod if need be.

 

identify how the OM made you feel...what need did he fill? And, if you care for your H, communicate it and allow him to try to fill it.

 

But the heavy lifting, the heavy work...is up to you.

 

Good luck to you.

[StormySky]

No. You don't "owe" him that. Staying for that reason WILL BUILD RESENTMENT. You need to stay because you truly want this relationship. You need to believe in your heart that IT IS WORTH IT TO YOU.

 

Point taken. I do think I owe it to my kids though to do everything I can to keep our family intact.

 

 

 

I Cringe when I read that... Why is it "he" that is putting in the effort? Your poor husband. My heart breaks for him.

 

He told me that he wants to put in everything he has and that it is what is making him happy and helping him deal with the situation. I've been very up front that he not only doesn't have to do these things but should not because I certainly don't deserve this treatment and I know it. His behavior is his choice. And I am fully aware he could wake up tomorrow and change his mind. And I am putting in effort daily as well, we are just coming at it differently.

 

 

Am I hearing you right? It's all in the past now? You've paid your penance "100 times over" and let's move along now? No sense dwelling on the past, Right?

 

No, you are not hearing me right. It is just the beginning and I have not paid my penance at all. I have years ahead. My point with being "bashed" is that when I tell my story the responses of being f&%$ed up and stupid and divorce him and poor guy are not helpful. And I hear them over and over. I need advice, not to be reminded I'm an idiot a hundred times. Anyone reading this who thinks I am walking around happy and with high self-esteem while my husband is the only one suffering is WAAAAYYYY wrong. I've cried every single day for over a month now for what I did to him.

 

 

You need to stop worrying about your relationship for the moment. You need to focus on a character flaw of yours first. How is it that cheating is an ok solution?... and as a hint here are the number one and two wrong answers: "I made a mistake" and "I'm only human" don't fly here.

 

Good advice. Thank you. I wake up feeling like I need to have things figured out TODAY and I make it all about whether I should leave and want to make a decision. But I think focusing on my flaws is extremely necessary right now and clearly going to take time. And the answer is that cheating is never a solution. And any high I got off of that relationship is nothing compared to the pain of it all. I don't believe I'm a serial cheater and I do think I have a chance to figure this out. I made out with a boy I was in love with at 17 about 2 weeks into a relationship with H so while that wasn't ok, it is quite a different scenario. And I have been entirely honest with him now. There isn't a single detail of this thread he isn't already aware of. The A was not a solution in any way. But I do believe in learning lessons and it brought our flaws straight into the spotlight so if there is some good to be had I believe that is it. Because we both have work to do on ourselves and even if this does end up in a divorce we will hopefully understand ourselves better and be better spouses in the end.

[StormySky]

I wonder why you continue to fool a man who has done nothing to deserve it. Why would you think you deserve his financial and other support? Since you assert that you've never loved him anyway, why not tell him and let him decide what to do?

 

You are making some big assumptions there. First off, we are equal as far as the finances. And I do not feel I "deserve" any of his support. In fact I don't think i deserve it at all. And I have flat out told him I am not in love with him and I don't know if I have ever been. As I mentioned, nothing in this thread would be news to him. He said he refuses to leave and wants us to keep our vows and work at this and he's not giving up.

 

I hate to and don't mean to come across as harsh, but you really don't deserve the H you have. And, most of all, he does not does the way he has been treated. If he has ever meant anything at all to you, even as a "best friend", then he deserves the right to find a true love......if that is what he wants.

 

I have told him I don't deserve him. However, I will also not say he is the portrait of perfection. He is being made out to be nothing but the catch of all catches in this thread I feel. And he did play a part in the downfall of our relationship. And let's be clear, I am not saying that his flaws in any way justified or made him deserving of an affair. That is all on me. I'm talking where we stood before this started.

[StormySky]

Is it his physical appearance? Is it the lack of romance? Could it be that you two speak different love languages (The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman)?

 

I'd bet that your husband expresses love through acts of service, and yours is very different (words of affirmation, gifts).

 

We are both reading this now. And yes, we speak different languages.

 

 

 

My fWW could've written the first part about male companionship, etc. She expressed the same sentiment. For me to reconcile with her I required her to do some serious soul searching to understand why she prefers male companionship over female, why she needs external male validation, why she thought socializing with another male was okay, why she lacked basic boundaries, why she had low self-esteem, why she was a conflict-avoider? These questions had to be sufficiently answered. Are you willing to look deep into the dark places of your self?

 

And I need to address each of these, for sure. And I'm 100% willing and wanting to.

[StormySky]

What's that Biblical aphorism about "motes" or "planks"?

 

Maybe you can ask the Pastor about that one.

 

And who am i saying is the portrait of perfection? Certainly not I. Or the Pastor. the two of us are clearly the most f%$&ed up of the lot.

 

There seems to be a lot of assumption here.

 

Husband is flawed too. Fact. We all are.

[Furious]

 

I have told him I don't deserve him. However, I will also not say he is the portrait of perfection. He is being made out to be nothing but the catch of all catches in this thread I feel. And he did play a part in the downfall of our relationship. And let's be clear, I am not saying that his flaws in any way justified or made him deserving of an affair. That is all on me. I'm talking where we stood before this started.

 

Why does it bother you that your husband seems to be fine catch.

How does your husband's flaws compare to the character a married pastor with 4 children.

 

You have said you never loved your husband and still don't love him. You also make it sound as if he's the one pressuring you to stay married. Your irritation at the responses you've gotten here leaves the impression you don't like the truth and are surprised you weren't given a pity party.

 

Why do you insist you don't want to divorce but in the same breath say you've never loved your husband?

[StormySky]

OK, this really got to me. Because it is 100000% a FALSE assumption.

 

 

And when SS felt she needed male attention, did she communicate her needs to her spouse? Why wasn't he her first choice for the gym? Because she was already bored to tears with him already. Did she tell him that?

 

And when she began to feel he is a great guy but, did she tell him we need to go to MC now because I am feeling a lack of desire and attraction to you?

 

And when the pstor and she began to talk, talk, talk, did she come home and say I love conversation. Today I talked with X about and......I would love to talk to you that way?

 

No, of course not.

 

 

And here's where you perhaps see that H did play a role. I started telling him YEARS ago that I was bored. Not feeling the desire or attraction. I did things here and there, suggesting he try wearing this or that, try kissing me when he got home from work, calling me a pet name, touching my face. He did NONE of these types of things. I told him I needed more communication. I told him these things so many countless times. I told him I felt he valued football more than myself and that on our wedding day he said I looked "nice" but that he found plays "amazing" and "beautiful" and that it hurt that he could talk that way about a sport but never me. He said he does not enjoy kissing or see a point to touching my face. And he is not a talker. I told him I missed long talks and needed it. When our friends got divorced a couple of years ago I said I could see how it happens because I was feeling so bored and unfulfilled and if it wasn't for the kids and vows I don't know that I would want to stay.

 

Very shortly before the A, I asked him how he really, really felt about me. I even said how would you feel if you were on your deathbed and had never truly expressed how you felt about me and I never knew? He said he shouldn't have to tell me. That it should be obvious in the things he does. Now in retrospect, that's all about the Love Languages and I see it now. But I was needing these things and I told him over, and over and over. I tried spicing up the bedroom. I tried A LOT. I did not just say "eh, let's go find another guy."

 

And when i did start spending time with OM, I shared all of it. And said how much I loved just talking and talking.

 

So point is, you are wrong. And while an affair was so not the solution to this, he did play a part in the downfall of the relationship. And while he is a wonderful, wonderful person who did not deserve to be cheated on, he is not every woman's dream and has his own work to do. But he has claimed that this entire thing was a wake up call for him. He said it was the first time he realized how serious I was about those things I said over and over and over and that he took it all for granted. And now he is trying to do all of those things. The problem is we are entirely out of sync now so we need help.

 

And just to reiterate, I don't claim his failure to try anything I asked for for an entire decade means he deserved any of this. I do take accountability for the affair and how it was so entirely the wrong thing to do. But as I mentioned earlier, maybe something good can come out of it with us both working on ourselves.

[StormySky]

Why does it bother you that your husband seems to be fine catch.

How does your husband's flaws compare to the character a married pastor with 4 children.

 

You have said you never loved your husband and still don't love him. You also make it sound as if he's the one pressuring you to stay married. Your irritation at the responses you've gotten here leaves the impression you don't like the truth and are surprised you weren't given a pity party.

 

Why do you insist you don't want to divorce but in the same breath say you've never loved your husband?

 

It doesn't bother me that my husband is being seen as a catch. He is. He definitely is. It bothers me that his flaws are never considered because I believe that we both did things that led us to the point I was at before the affair.

 

The Pastor is way more flawed. No doubt. And I see that now.

 

I am feeling pressure to stay married. That is true. But it isn't all from him. It's also the kids, my vows, and myself. I don't want to just walk away. But it isn't about me being afraid of being alone or of him being with someone else as others have said.

 

No, I'm not surprised I wasn't given a pity party. I want the truth. This isn't the first place I turned to for advice and initially the "you're an idiot, you don't deserve him, other women would want him," and insult after insult actually helped to clear some of my fog. That was a big part of why I let go of OM. I saw myself through other people's eyes. But as I mentioned, what I need now is to get advice and be proactive about the situation. Statements like those don't get anyone anywhere.

 

And I do love him. It just isn't in a romantic way. He has been there for me most of my life and we share so much. If there was some scale to measure on how many levels we are in sync it would be 9/10 and I don't believe leaving a great man with whom I share such a history and children and who is a 9/10 in search of someone else is a wise decision.

[StormySky]

Also to comment because it was asked a couple of times. A portrait of the men involved.

 

H. He is a very quiet, passive and non-social person. Really doesn't socialize with anyone but me. Works on a computer all day. Comic collector, anime fan, video-gamer, avid football fan. Short, glasses, balding. Average in appearance.

 

OM. Was basically the opposite. Very loud, dominant, social, flirty. Works construction during the week. Main interest was writing and playing music. Did not share any of H's interests. Very tall. Entirely opposite physically. And yes, he is attractive and knows it.

 

There is no question I went for the TOTAL opposite of H here.

 

There is also no question that when you list all of their qualities as a whole, H wins as the better man by MILES. But focusing only on attraction, I was clearly more attracted to OM.

[Furious]

Also to comment because it was asked a couple of times. A portrait of the men involved.

 

H. He is a very quiet, passive and non-social person. Really doesn't socialize with anyone but me. Works on a computer all day. Comic collector, anime fan, video-gamer, avid football fan. Short, glasses, balding. Average in appearance.

 

OM. Was basically the opposite. Very loud, dominant, social, flirty. Works construction during the week. Main interest was writing and playing music. Did not share any of H's interests. Very tall. Entirely opposite physically. And yes, he is attractive and knows it.

 

There is no question I went for the TOTAL opposite of H here.

 

There is also no question that when you list all of their qualities as a whole, H

wins as the better man by MILES. But focusing only on attraction, I was clearly more attracted to OM.

 

 

You would be surprised on the OW forum how many of them are in love with older, pot bellied, bald men. Your husband can't change his height, and you've known from day one her was a bit of a nerd. But nerds can be sexy, if you get them out of their shell.

 

The Pastor has the looks but he's a snake. I don't believe this is first time he's trolled Craigslist looking for his next victim. He's a lousy cheating husband and a fraud.

 

No comparison, your husband isn't perfect but he beats PREDATOR PASTOR hands down.

 

I have no doubt that if you ever got sick, or lost your looks, your husband would still care for you and love you.

 

Regardless if you divorce or not, you should stay clear of the pastor, he is bad news.

[StormySky]

Actually you haven't mentioned how your husband is flawed, other than perhaps he loves you when you don't love him back.

 

Main flaws are that he never expresses or shows his emotions and feelings and he does not communicate. He is very bottled up and closed off. And he is not affectionate or very sexual at all. He shows more passion for football than any person in his life.

 

I don't believe him loving me makes him flawed. Nor do I think my not feeling romantic love towards him makes me flawed.

[BetrayedH]

There is another website, survivinginfidelity.com that has a wayward forum. It is a pretty safe place to get feedback. You can post such that only other waywards can reply. They are excellent at clearing your fog, examining yourself, and helping your spouse to heal from your affair.

 

That said, ultimately I prefer LoveShack because of its somewhat brutal honesty. You have to have a backbone here and when you are full of crap, the folks here will call it out. It is a very sobering place which is many times sorely needed.

 

A few other books I might recommend:

 

Not Just Friends

 

How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair

 

Surviving An Affair (although it recommends at one point to never discuss the affair again - which is a very flawed approach - but it is otherwise a great resource)

 

His Needs, Her Needs

 

As to your specific difficulty in connecting, I would reiterate the other poster that discussed romantic love vs mature love. Romantic love is fleeting. It doesn't last. A good marriage survives the loss of romantic love as it matures into something else. Mature love is ultimately based on mutual respect. While romantic love is intoxicating and addicting, you're going to find yourself experiencing the same problem in relationship after relationship if you keep chasing it. Mature love develops because it takes such hard work by both parties. Ultimately it is what lasts. But the two are not mutually exclusive. Romantic love and even sexual intimacy can be rekindled. For what it is worth, your husband is asking for a chance to do that. In the face of real adversity, he is making efforts to meet your needs. Don't see it as fake. I had a similar reaction as your H when I discovered my wife's affair. She had to take 100% responsibility for the disastrous decision to have an affair but it was absolutely a wake up call about how I had taken my marriage for granted. It wasn't intentional; it happens. But when I saw what I was losing, I was motivated to start showing how much I did, in fact, love my wife. What I was doing was new, and different, and awkward (on both parts) but it was categorically real. It deserves to be respected and frankly, cherished in light of what he's been through.

 

He is doing his part. You seem to want to do yours. But you need to get rid of this mentality that your efforts should somehow be results-based. If you put any kind of internal deadline. Your husband deserves to hear and to know that you are in this for the long haul. This will not be solved soon. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Your H needs to feel safe, not under the gun to be a miracle worker or else he's going to lose his wife.

 

Are you committed to staying with your husband for life? That is a marriage. He deserves to know that his wife is in this with both feet. Instead you are here whining about your lack of attraction to him. Without trying to be harsh, your half-assed commitment IS the problem here. Make the commitment and then follow thru with fixing the marriage without some damn mysterious divorce option on the table. Be married or don't. The beauty of marriage is in that commitment that we WILL work out our problems, and invigorate the marriage because divorce is not an option. That's my $.02 anyway. If you can get this notion out of your head that says you're only in it until you're unhappy, you will see your only choice is to find a way to make your marriage happy. You lock yourself in, buckle down, read as many books as it takes, have as many conversations as it takes and just plain get it done.

[Charlie Harper]

MMMmmmm sometimes you do incredible stuff to gain back your S but It doesn't work: 5 1 week trips to different cities over the world...check, new car exactly as she liked check, me being there all the time check, helping her family check, begging for sex and doing tons of new romantic stuff Check, getting back home early and taking her out to different places to dinner for 2 years Check... then I get sick and she sent me to the hospital alone... afterwards I changed now the reverse applies she is desperate for winning me back but I am too hurt and saw the light in my relationship....Can I go back to the dark place I was in NO, I can relate to OP because no matter how had I have tried for the last 7 months I don't care! Once you loose that special affection and love and respect, there is little you can do.

 

If your husband likes more football and such than hanging out with you and having sex etc.... there is not much to do...

 

My point is that no separation happens just because one of the S goes "mmm I guess Ill sleep with someone else today just for kicks" If you are a normal person it takes a lot to make that step and be fed with your W or H and do stupid things. The lesson here is that if you also let it slide or you complain and you don't get any kind of feedback or even trying.... move on. (but smartly and without a big A or fight).

[Spark1111]

OK, this really got to me. Because it is 100000% a FALSE assumption.

 

 

 

And here's where you perhaps see that H did play a role. I started telling him YEARS ago that I was bored. Not feeling the desire or attraction. I did things here and there, suggesting he try wearing this or that, try kissing me when he got home from work, calling me a pet name, touching my face. He did NONE of these types of things. I told him I needed more communication. I told him these things so many countless times. I told him I felt he valued football more than myself and that on our wedding day he said I looked "nice" but that he found plays "amazing" and "beautiful" and that it hurt that he could talk that way about a sport but never me. He said he does not enjoy kissing or see a point to touching my face. And he is not a talker. I told him I missed long talks and needed it. When our friends got divorced a couple of years ago I said I could see how it happens because I was feeling so bored and unfulfilled and if it wasn't for the kids and vows I don't know that I would want to stay.

 

Very shortly before the A, I asked him how he really, really felt about me. I even said how would you feel if you were on your deathbed and had never truly expressed how you felt about me and I never knew? He said he shouldn't have to tell me. That it should be obvious in the things he does. Now in retrospect, that's all about the Love Languages and I see it now. But I was needing these things and I told him over, and over and over. I tried spicing up the bedroom. I tried A LOT. I did not just say "eh, let's go find another guy."

 

And when i did start spending time with OM, I shared all of it. And said how much I loved just talking and talking.

 

So point is, you are wrong. And while an affair was so not the solution to this, he did play a part in the downfall of the relationship. And while he is a wonderful, wonderful person who did not deserve to be cheated on, he is not every woman's dream and has his own work to do. But he has claimed that this entire thing was a wake up call for him. He said it was the first time he realized how serious I was about those things I said over and over and over and that he took it all for granted. And now he is trying to do all of those things. The problem is we are entirely out of sync now so we need help.

 

And just to reiterate, I don't claim his failure to try anything I asked for for an entire decade means he deserved any of this. I do take accountability for the affair and how it was so entirely the wrong thing to do. But as I mentioned earlier, maybe something good can come out of it with us both working on ourselves.

 

Ok...so you told him if he didn't start to meet your needs, despite your repeated requests, you would insist you two go to MC or you would be separating and finally divorcing him, yes?

 

You said, unequivally, if you do not do A for me, than that is a dealbreaker and I love you too much to leave you, but I will have to if you do not start to meet these needs of mine which make me feel cherished and loved.

 

Or, like me, you swallowed it, allowed resentments to build, emotionally distancing yourself feeling it would never change?

 

You began your checklist, well he IS a devoted husband, in his way, and a wonderful father so I will swallow my needs and build a wall. I will stop asking and sharing my heart.

 

You grew complacent, resentful, and checked out emotionally for the good of the family.

 

Look, SS, I understand better than you may realize, what happened and how hard you tried.

 

I was a lot like you, and I think many women are: sacrificing our feelings for the good of the family. But it comes at a tremendous price personally. And, when we suppress our feelings for the good of another while remaining unhappy, well that is either enabling (his poor response to you) or passive agressive.

 

Today, I am amazed I DIDN'T have an affair. I was that lonely.

 

So what happened to me? After a rough patch in our marriage he crashed into a co-worker who thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. They had an affair that lasted almost 2 years.

 

I know what it is like to try and try and then give up. Today I know that complaining and trying is NOT the same. We talk and talk and talk about our feelings. We ensure each other's needs are being met, no matter how awkward it may be.

 

Today, I communicate clearly and directly; no hedging, no sighing, no resignation, no swallowing of resentments.

 

Were we both responsible for the state of our marriage? Of course. But avoiding conflict, not knowing how high the resentments had built, and poor communication on BOTH our parts almost did us in for good.

 

Good luck to you.I hope you rediscover your feelings for your H. Reconciliation is not for cowards. Without igniting those feelings of love and passion that fueled changes in both of us, I do not think I would still be here.

 

I know you want the marriage, but you will need to want the man.

 

I hope you find that again, for both your sakes.