4 years gone? :(

[Whatisthis626]

Let me try and tell you as much as I can about this. I have seen this site on multiple occasions when randomly looking at things for relationships and up until now never felt I had to post here, or felt I had an issue...but I'm going to try and explain a lot of this and I want to hear honest opinions on what I should do...I really have never been so torn. It's sort of a lot...but i figured i should explain as much as possible.

 

My girlfriend(supposed to be fiancee but ill get to that) and I have been dating for over 4 years now. She chased me through high school and we were CONSTANTLY on and off again until I finally realized I did love her and since jr year we've been the best of friends and inseparable. I never found myself attractive, but she sort of awoken all that in me, it's still sort of low, but I feel better about myself than I did four years ago, today I'm not so sure. So let me skip. About half a year ago, in november, she wanted to take a break. At first it was that I do my own thing for a minute and try and be more for me (she is constantly jamming this independent thing on, well not so much lately) and I was really broken. I knew we weren't broken up but she wanted some space. I had no job and I felt a lot of it was because of how i looked and the fact I still, after 3 years, haven't been able to financially take care of her. We usually went back n forth on dates, but for a while at that point it was mostly her. I don't like her spending money on me, but she always insisted. So this break starts and I kick into high gear trying to find a job. I get this random commission job and at first it seemed like it'd be a good idea, but not so much. After talking to our mutual friend, the friend, told me that even if she had a fling or a hook-up she would never leave me for anyone else (and everyone else said the same thing about it).

 

Two weeks later I, for some reason, am at her house and practically plead to end it...and in reality that was prolly to soon, but she did anyway and things pretty much were normal.

 

Now this is where ALL the complications come in, sort of. February 21 we have sex(this is relevant later) and we say our goodbyes for the night later on...come the next day her aunt (which was a second mother to her) dies from the breast cancer that she had been fighting for years now. She was devastated and of course I came to comfort her and the family (they already consider me a son in law) and then things sort of go down hill from here even more.

 

In april we were desperate for some way of living. We still had no jobs and nothing was giving. Eventually the army came up and I decided I might as well do that and even if we're apart you can follow me and yadda yadda. So we find out we have to be married to do a lot of things, and we have ALWAYS been talking about marriage since, like, our first year or two, we thought hey might as well, that way we can be together. Then something occurs, idk what exactly, this might of actually been before we decide on the army fully, but she has this small phase of really being detached from me. She doesn't speak to me, like at all hardly, and she's not answering some of my questions. I finally get fed up and show up and pretty much ask wtf is going on. She tells me her aunts death is still drastically effecting her and she cries and says shes sick of living this way and her family doesn't make things better (which they didnt) and it was really starting to strain our relationship...but i told her we can make it through this so long as she wants to, I didn't want a death to break us up, that wouldn't make sense. But because of this death she had been pushing me away and pushing me away.

 

Some time in may after were talking marriage plans, and were to go, how i should lose weight for the army (im a heavy guy..im actually losing weight now, but anyway) then she tells me that she had a sex dream involving me and her best friend (who is male) and who is also my best friend. We hadn't had sex since the 21st so i figured it was something about just not having it...now this is really the big root of the rest of this. Now also in may she starts taking off her ring and tells me she feels like it's a lie wearing it because she doesnt have her mind on marriage at all right now and she doesnt want to lie to me or something along those lines....So at some point i convince her everything going to be ok, she starts to wear it again, we continue with planning wedding stuff and then june hits.

 

June started off alright, I took her to San Deigo for a vacation so she can get away and not think about all the stuff going on back home. We have a wonderful romantic night (minus sex) but it was still all good. Now I don't remember if it was june or may but sometime in there she says that she just is never in the mood and she can't lossen up because she's always thinking about it before and during, then she tells me sex sort of sucked because, well Before may I didn't know what i was doing wrong or right, she never really told me. (thats right this was in may that she said this because i had started working on it right after) anyway at the end of june she decides she wants yet another break, she told me it was to put me on the back burner while she tried to handle her family issues because her mother was still really sad and depressed (and still just three days ago she is, because she was crying about it when I came over) and so i respect it, but I also didn't understand. I thought it was because I was ugly to her or she lost her attraction to me in that light and she told me it was just because there was to much going on and she is just out of it.....now i bring you to july-aug

 

So everything seems to be ok, but then, i'd say july....22nd maybe she decides we should 'break up' now on FB we are still engaged, but what it is, is that its more of just a serious break. Well only in public, but behind closed doors we could virtually be the same (which ill be honest might as well be nothing. we kiss, peck, I can see her naked still, but if i so much as linger to long on something she goes "remember." and sort of shakes me off i guess). She said and i quote "Theres no way some 21yr old MAN knows what he wants already" and it didn't click until much later but she sort of said that line to justify this 'break up arrangement'. I didn't want to, but i felt if i opposed it would just be another problem. Her uncle got in contact with her and asked if I had ever thought of truck driving, of course I hadn't but it sounded good. After doing my research i determine, I can definitely do that. Good money, perfect benefits, everything. Another thing is she is still planning WITH me to move to utah together and make a new life (because we have like no one here anymore, but thats another story) and she swears up and down she loves me and she doesn't lie to me and everything. Now we are still talking and stuff like less, but normal. We used to say good morning and good night i love you everyday and now it's hardly either, sometimes its goodnight i love you, but others it's just silent, but if I go to her house to help her with something or fix something we chat like normal, talk about the moving plans, the whole idea was that while im away trucking we can see other people but not tell each other about anyone we see or what we do....im still uncomfortable with this idea.... So now let me explain this best friend thing. I've known him since 5th grade and he's been there for me since then. She has known him since 7th (he actually introduced us) and everything. Now i recently was with the both of them at his house because some real serious stuff happened that i cant really disclose, and she was on her phone (which btw we share a bill for) and i saw she was talking to one of her friends. I have always been suspicious of them because when i broke her heart over and over again (im the reason we were on and off) he was still there as the best friend. He's way more attractive than me, but the thing is he's bi....and i say that loosely because he's mostly into guys, ive only ever heard of one girl...and he has forever said he cannot keep it up in bed because he thinks he might have ED and girls dont seem to do what guys seem to be able to.....so anyway i was curious and i snooped on her fb and she was saying things like "Im 100% sure he wont find out." and she was really delving into wanting to have sex with him. Her friend simply seemed to encourage my gf dreams talking about "He can be your platinum, silver gold."(from that beiber song) and my gf straight said shes in two love triangles but can't get out of either without breaking hearts. But what she doesn't know is she makes up a lot in her mind sometimes...i saw a message where she said she took some test about mens body language in a cosmo magazine and it seemed like they thought he was into her. I've actually talked to my friend about this and both times he seemed appalled she was even thinking that. the first time he said her attitude is unattractive as hell so he wouldn't be able to start anything anyway, then just this weekend when i told him she had been dreaming about him like that he really seemed like he was disgusted, and his heart even started beating all fast by that information. Now my gf doesnt know i saw all that, at all, and ive been wonderful at hiding it. But i sort of confronted her about him and asked if she felt like she wanted him and she straight said to my face that "You cant control your dreams (which, unless your a lucid dreamer you cant)" and "I had those feeling when i was 12, yeah, but not anymore." which i clearly saw was a lie because she said she has some flirtatious relationship with him (which he doesnt agree) and it also didnt help that she said "Girl, he leaves in a month so i can lick, suck, **** any nigga i want to." which she then proceeded to mention her friends friends, and if they had any friends (if that makes sense) So when i had confronted her about an email i got saying that she was cheating on me emotionally with him and i also got a phone call in june that she had sex with him (it was a random voice who only said 3 words and hung up) so then she said she still had no desire for sex but clearly she does because she also stated she "had an itch that needed scratching." but she has never been unfaithful to me, or given me one reason (sort of) that she has. Im sure she's only telling me that to try and not hut my feeling that she doesnt want to have sex with me, but when i catch her in a bold face lie like that it makes me question a lot. Then i also wonder if she actually kissed our friend and didnt tell me because we were in staters mentioning kristen sweart kissing her best friend jacob and she goes "What best friends count as cheating?" and i of course said tit does, to me, and she knows that. She said in her messages to her friend "we talked about it and were moving on" like she talked to him about it and they decided to not say anything n to not do it, or decided to continue on behind my back, idk.

 

I'm actually wondering if i should ask my friend that if he respects me at all, to tell me the truth. Mind you my jealousy of him had been going on pretty much our whole first three years. I sort of squashed it all in a drunk stupor, but i dont know if i should want to know if that happened. Because if she's going beyond just some fantasies(which already hurts my feelings tbh) then thats an issue......I lover her to death and i honestly dont know if they did kiss if i'd leave her, but she has always made a big deal about my jelousy especially towards him (and he honestly seems innocent in all this because he sort of has a boyfriend, and he doesnt even live local, have a car, or a job) I am going to truck driving school.

 

So if you have any questions ill be on here to answer them because I know this is a lot...i hope someone helps me with some good advice.

 

I thought I could try and do this REALLY romantic bit so we can be alone and see if i cant get something from that to see if it's just that...honestly a lot of this i feel came from her aunts death, and since our sex life wasnt so perfect yet, she used that as another excuse. I'm sure i missed stuff, but this is long enough...thanks I hope.

[PegNosePete]

Dude she has demoted you from BF to affair partner. She has absolutely no commitment to you and in fact would rather be with someone else. But she wants to keep you around as a play-thing.

 

If you have any self respect whatsoever then you will tell her to get the hell out of your life and never come back.