Where do I go from here?

[hazel5]

Me and my boyfriend have been together over 3 years now and I love him very much.. we have gone through hell and back. Long story short about a year ago we were going through a really difficult time and decided to go our separate ways. I ended up talking to this guy and had a one-night stand that was nothing more than just sex. Me and my boyfriend ended up getting back together and thats when I realized I needed to tell him about that one night.. He was utterly heartbroken,mad, confused.. it was really difficult for him to cope. I kept telling him how sorry I was. To this day he considers it "cheating" even though we weren't talking. We have had many arguments about that one night and he could never just get past it. Fast forward to now he ended up having sex with a girl while we weren't talking. I know for a fact he did it to get back at me and I don't know how to handle it. He expects me to be "understanding" because of what I did and I just can't. I feel like it was done on purpose and I just think it was wrong of him to do that but he doesn't see it. In my eyes I think he did it to stop the pain so he can finally "move on" and we can just be even. I don't really know where do go from here. I love him dearly but I just think it was a immature thing for him to do. I want to work it out but now I feel like we can't move past all this.

Edited August 22, 2012 by hazel5

[Whatisthis626]

ok so since no one helped me...actually i take it back i dont want help now >_< but thats besides the point.

 

In my opinion I think you need to get over this. I don't mean to sound rude, thats not my intention at all, but understand that you did it. You weren't talking to him or he you, so when it happened again I'm sure (even if he did it just to get back at you which wouldn't make sense) he should of had the same permission or whatever.

 

also if your even why bother worrying about it? I say, your both even stevens, you love each other, and so long as neither of you are continuing these things then I think you'll both be ok.

 

However if you just can't move past it, leave it be, because it may come back one day if you guys continue like that and you (or him) may just repeat what happened the first time, then you'll be in some endless cycle ending in some real bad break-up

[road]

How old are you and BF?

 

How long were you together before your ONS?

 

How long were you separated?

[PegNosePete]

He obviously does not care much about you or your relationship if he would do this just to "get even". Even if you were wrong to have sex with the other guy (which we can't really say without further details), he thinks that 2 wrongs make a right? I would move on.

[Madman81]

Here's my analysis.

 

You and he agreed to go your separate ways, i.e. end your relationship. Presumably your mutual intention at that point was that the relationship was over (regardless of the subsequent reconciliation). The important thing is the mutual intention and understanding at that point.

 

And if I'm correct about that, what you did wasn't cheating. Period. It simply wasn't. Cheating requires the existence of a mutual commitment to exclusivity and an action by one partner which is contrary to that commitment. If you two were broken up (rather than simply on a temporary "break" which you both knew was temporary), then there was no commitment to exclusivity. So, you didn't cheat.

 

When you and he "weren't talking", was that a breakup? Was the commitment gone? Or were you both simply angry with each other and not speaking? I'll assume that's what happened. And if that's the case, then I would agree that he slept with somebody else out of a desire for revenge. If there was still a commitment but you were fighting, then he cheated. Which was pretty juvenile behaviour. To say nothing of the fact that actions motivated by revenge have no place in a healthy, functional relationship.

 

I realize you've been together for three years, but this situation now seems pretty toxic. I'd question whether or not it can be repaired, but that's just me.

 

As an aside, I went through a similar situation a number of years ago. I ended it with a woman I'd been seeing for four months, with the intention of staying apart. Two months later, we rekindled things. In the interim, I slept with another woman once. I disclosed this to her when we rekindled, and it was a bone of contention for the rest of the relationship, which lasted another 1.5 years. She wante me to agree that I'd cheated, which I wouldn't do because that's not what it was. Ultimately that was a component of the reason for the end of the relationship.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Whatever you want to tell yourself what does it say about you falling in bed with another man is you were supposedly still in love with your boyfriend?

 

Look, you screwed another man because you were done with your boyfriend, stop lying to yourself and saying you really love him...you do not, even If it was just for sex...how long are you going to play that game of denial with yourself?

 

Secondly he did seem to have loved you, which is why he wasn't screwing around with other people..his emotions were still completely focused on you I'd assume from what you're telling me.

 

I think the main question would be however who broke up or decided to separate...if it was you, you sleeping with someone else makes perfect sense anyway...if it was him then he may have been trying to distant the relationship but couldn't pull the trigger on ending up but then you ended up sleeping with someone else which imposed some nice incentive and vigor to put this relationship up on a pedestal when he was wanting to leave anyway.

 

Regardless though...everything above really does matter little because in the end he's going to hold this against you because it hurts him greatly and because he can. Hurting each other is going to become your main objective in the relationship to because you'll both feel betrayed. He'll never forgive you for sleeping with that other guy and he did sleep with this girl to get back with you but that still won't erase that pain.

 

Ultimately it's over...the end of your relationship is now, you broke it off for a reason, now stop getting distracted with these petty fights and get back to the real reasons before this even all happened...these are just merely distractions that add some fuel to the fire in this relationship since it was running out.

 

Be the bigger person to walk away...you loved each other at one time but it's now time to move on. Stop hurting each other and holding each other hostage placing these ridiculous and childish expectations and resentments towards each other and start acting like adults.

 

Go on and date others, move on with your life and try to stay as "friends"...sort out your emotions and forgive each other and give each other enough time to get actually over this bullcrap, if you still feel like getting back together and wasting more of each others lives for no reason or what you see as love go knock yourselves out...you have the right to do what you want. But playing these little games with each other will get you know where, expect nothing but pain and destruction in your relationship, it's never going back to the way it used to be now....so get used it.

[Leigh 87]

In the early days of my current relationship, I was a mess mentally, and at times we had a couple of days apart, or a "break" ( where we both loved one another the same, but thought it was not working, with my issues).

 

Seriously; neither of us thought about romancing or being romanced by another person. The thought of other people made us sick. After all, we were devastated we were not working, and being with other people was the furthest thing from our minds.

 

 

 

I would not continue with your relationship... it is utterly sick of ou two to have been with other people. If the love is strong enough, I do not believe people DO cheat at all, in this regard.