Cheating w/ husbands best friend and starting to have feelings

[lexingtongirl]

I meet my husband 10 years ago, we lived together for a year until his divorce was finilized, we got married the following month, and a year later had our son, and on our 7th anniv. I was really worried that things wouldn't last, b/c of his first marriage ending then, but we made it, and 3 years ago, we had our daughter, everything has been fine, love each other and our family. Last year, I changed jobs and my boss and I started flirting at each other and one thing lead to another and we had sex. That was the end of that realationship with me and my boss, I quite that job and moved on as nothen happened, we still to this day see him. Back in May of this year,my husband's best friend at work interduced me to his wife, we became best friend from the beginning, and our families have became one family. We spend every weekend together. A month ago, we all went swimming (summertime)and one thing lead to another and his hand touched me somewhere it wasn't suppose too. We didn't say anything, the next morning he called me at work, and asked me if I was mad at him for that, I told him, No, I kinda liked it, and we began talking about things and now that touch has lead into us becoming more then friends, The touch lead to a kiss, and now last week we met and one thing lead to another and we made love, It felt really good to be with him, and after we finished we left and didn't talk any that night, I called him the next morning and asked him if he was ok? He said it really hit him what he had done. He has been married for over many years and never cheated on his wife, and now he had. It was really bothing him, but he thought about it and worked it out, and was okay with what had happened. We have talked everyday since then and we would love to have it happen again, just never the right time.We meet sometimes for a quick kiss or just to see each other. We both agree that we don't wont to lose what we have, with our families, and our bestfriends, but we also, wont this on the side to NEVER to stop. Are we doing wrong, by cheating with each other, and now I think I might be getting some feelings for him? I don't wont to lose either of them, but he is all I can think about. When we go over to his house, I wish It was just us and no one else, so we can just love on each other and make love over and over. PLEASE HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by lexingtongirl

Are we doing wrong, by cheating with each other, and now I think I might be getting some feelings for him?

 

Yes. Get a divorce. Tell your married man to get a divorce and marry you. I'll bet he won't.

 

By the way. Sex doesn't just happen. You invited it to happen, you pursued it. You CHOSE for it to happen. You are not innocent in this at all. Come clean with your husband and let him heal and find a wife who will love him and respect your vows to each other.

[lexingtongirl]

I never said I was innocent in this matter. I said it happened we don't regret it and would like more. I would never leave my husband and he would never leave her. We don't want that. But, if it ever happened we would try a realtionship, but we are to much alike and it would never work out. This in other words in a sex relationship nothen more nothen less, except I think of him all the time and wish I was with him more then what we are able to be with each other.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not really sure what advice you expected when you posted here. Let's review the info you've given:

 

1) You've cheated on your husband with two different men.

2) You don't regret it.

3) One of them was his best friend.

4) You don't want to stop, rather you want it to continue.

5) You say you don't want to lose your husband or your f*ck buddy (which is what he is, since you admit that a relationship with him would never work and that you just want the sex).

 

This is one of the most selfish, hurtful things I've heard in ages. You don't deserve a man like your husband. Everybody makes mistakes, no doubt about that. But he deserves to be married to somebody with a conscience, and clearly that ain't you, since you don't even feel bad about the fact that you've betrayed (twice) the one person you swore vows to be faithful to.

 

If you felt bad about what you did or displayed any remorse, my tone would be very different. But you don't -- you want to have your cake and eat it too, out of some bizarre sense of entitlement. Given that you've ruled out either leaving your husband or ending things with your f*ck buddy, I guess you were hoping we'd tell you to just carry on with things as they are. Sorry, no dice.

 

At least have the class and grace to leave your husband so he can find somebody worthy of his love. Then you can go and boink your f*ck buddy all you want. You two deserve each other.

 

Oh, and BTW... I hope your f*ck buddy and his wife don't have children, because you're merrily going about tearing apart their world and destroying their parents' marriage just to satisfy your own selfish urges. Pathetic.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by lexingtongirl

I never said I was innocent in this matter. I said it happened we don't regret it and would like more. I would never leave my husband and he would never leave her. We don't want that. But, if it ever happened we would try a realtionship, but we are to much alike and it would never work out. This in other words in a sex relationship nothen more nothen less, except I think of him all the time and wish I was with him more then what we are able to be with each other.

 

Then what do you want? You ended your first post with PLEASE HELP ME, but what exactly do you want? No one here can wave a magic wand and make your wishes come true. I wouldn't even if I could!

 

Here's a thought, maybe if you started having sex with a few more men, your feelings for MM will go away. Then you can go happily on your way and remain an unfaithful wife with no feelings for anyone.

[Mr Spock]

Ok, here we go again-listen. If you WANT to help someone, please try and keep the "blah...blah...blah" out of your posts. You don't need to keep stating you don't approve of infidelity. Because that's kind of obvious.

 

 

Lexington, you're having sexual urges. That's OK. It's ok to desire someone. However, the fact that you are married means that you should try to turn those desires to your husband if you love him. You don't sound like you're being satisfied in the marriage sexually or emotionally. Otherwise you wouldn't become so attached so quickly. You don't sound like you're IN love with your husband. You may love him, but it's not the same. And he's probably on the same page.

 

Don't let the above posts bother you. People HATE it when cheaters don't show remorse. It makes them crazy. If you really love your husband, you'll call it off. If he loves his wife, he'll call it off. If you keep seeing each other, you need to be honest. If your feelings are so true and real, don't you think you both deserve the chance to try out a REAL relationship, and not a secret clandestine affair?

 

It's doubtful you are the first time he's cheated on his wife. I reccomend that you tell him how you feel-chances are he'll drop you like a hot potato.

[lexingtongirl]

You know what, maybe hearing what someone else is think might help. The first time it happened I was STUPID and do regret that one.

 

The second time with my friend, I don't regret it and would like it and the feelings to stop, but i don't know how and I like the way it feels. The feelings!!!!!! I guess i miss that passion in my marriage and wish it was there.

 

Please understand i'm not person that just cheats when every, and after this one it will NEVER happen again.

 

I know I have F'd up big time and need help w/ this. Don't need you cruelness, but your advise.

[Mr Spock]

PLEASE HELP ME =DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS

[Moose]

I'll never understand how people can cheat on their spouses and not feel some kind of remorse and actually view it as ok. The intentions of marriage is to share the rest of your life with one man, or one woman. To stay faithfull to them. What is a marriage w/o that?

 

 

Are we doing wrong, by cheating with each other, and now I think I might be getting some feelings for him? I don't wont to lose either of them, but he is all I can think about. When we go over to his house, I wish It was just us and no one else, so we can just love on each other and make love over and over. PLEASE HELP ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The answer to that is of course, YES you are doing wrong. Ok, you don't want to lose ethier one of them, but I have bad news for you, eventually you will. You'll have to determine which one sooner or later, that's one of the inevidable consequences of your actions. Most people don't believe me when I say that, but it's true.

 

Don't you love your husband and family, is there something wrong sexually between the two of you? IMO, you should set down with your husband and work on the reasons why you feel so compelled to cheat on him. Break the ties you have with his friend. Can't you see that you're making fools out of your husband and his best friend's wife.....it would kill the 2 of them if they found out wouldn't it?

 

Your starting to have feelings for this guy too, that's twice the heartache and the consequences. I hope you'll see that cheating only causes heartache and grief.

[Mr Spock]

PS-I meant 'he' as in her lover, not her husband, who is on the same page

[Grinning Maniac]

You know...I just don't get it with your broads. Why is it that you always cheat with the guy's FRIEND(if you can call that a friend)? What kind of twisted evil crap is that? Couldn't just boink the mailman or something? Does it really have to be someone he knows and likes? Really?!

 

Also...to all the ladies...stop with the "one thing led to another" crap. What the hell does that actually mean? The statement makes no sense. That makes as much sense as saying:

 

"Oh, we were just sitting in the living room having drinks and suddenly all my clothes fell off and his penis was inside of me! I have no idea what happened!"

 

As Hokey said previously, you were just as into the idea as he was. Please...

 

If you two didn't have kids I'd tell you to fess up to the affairs and get out of the marriage. It's not like your husband would be at all surprised. If a woman can cheat WITH you, she will likely cheat ON you. DURRRRR

 

Unfortunately, you DO have a kid, so how about you and your husband break off contact with this "friend" and get yourselves into some counseling? Then again, based on your attitude you'd rather live the wonderful fantasy, right?

 

You whine about the passion going out of your marriage, and this complaint is NOT unique. Does it ever occur to you broads to communicate with your husbands about the problem? If you actually DO, and he just doesn't give a rat's ass, then whatever. Things are doomed anyway. But at least give the guy a heads up that you think things are on the downward slope before you stick his friend's johnson in your mouth.

[StartingAgain]

You've betrayed your husband (reatedly), you've betrayed your "best friend" by screwing her husband, you've betrayed your children and theirs by putting two marriages at grave risk and you've betrayed yourself by hiding behind all this ridiculous "one thing lead to another" BS (like you were possessed by sex demons or something). You need to get into therapy right now and find out why a married woman with two kids is such an easy lay. Can you say lack of impulse control? Morals? Ethics? Self-respect? Conscience?

[Moose]

Lighten up you guys.....she's asking what she should do......I don't think she's bragging about it. Sure it was wrong, but when have any of us led a perfect life?

 

It's obvious she has lost something in her relationship, or she has an issue of staying faithfull.....let's help her out, not put her down.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

PLEASE HELP ME =DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS

 

You know, I think Mr. Spock has hit the nail on the head. I'm not sure any of us can help you, because we just don't understand this kind of behavior. I can't imagine betraying my husband by sleeping with anyone else, let alone sleeping with his best friend. I just can't imagine how you can intentionally hurt someone like that. Plus, you have also betrayed your friend, the MM's wife.

 

Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? I really don't understand your motives, so it's hard to offer any kind of advice to you.

 

Where do you see this affair leading you?

 

I guess you basically have 2 choices:

 

1. Continue with this affair, and hope that your husband doesn't find out. (Or do you want him to find out?) Enjoy the excitement while it lasts, and at some point the excitement will be gone, and then what?

 

2. Stop this affair. Of course, this is going to be difficult to do since you are all friends. I would say it would be impossible to do unless you break off the friendship. And I assume that would be difficult to do, as your husband will wonder what has happened.

 

I really don't know what to tell you. I can't see any way out of this without causing major problems and hurt.

[DazednConfused]

Simple advice then:

 

Option #1: Lose the dirtbag MM. Then take a cold hard look at yourself and what you have already done.

Next go to your husband and tell him what you have done. Deal with the consequences. If he decides to allow you to stay in your marriage with your child and all, then kiss his feet and thank whatever power you believe in.

Figure out what it is that keeps sending you looking for strange and fix or remove it through counseling, or whatever.

 

Option #2: Keep doing what your doing until your husband and/or his wife find out. Promptly see your f*ckbuddy drop you like a hot rock, leaving you to deal with your heartbroken husband. Wade through endless painful conversations, accusations, and have to explain your betrayal by saying "it just happened".

You will get to suffer the rage of your husband and the comtempt of all your friends and family. Your child will someday know what you did to wreck his/her homelife. Noone who knows what you have done will quite respect you again. Compound that with your own guilt and loss of faith within your marriage and without.

 

Ah, good times, good times.

 

Now ask yourself.... is it really worth it for a couple of good lays????????

 

Go talk with your husband, and restore your marriage if you can. Good luck to you, I think you will need it.

[StartingAgain]

PLEASE HELP ME =DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS

 

I certainly understand it, which is why I told her to get some therapy. But she'll get no sympathy from me. No cheater ever will. I don't know if you've ever been cheated on Mr. Spock, but if you haven't, you can't know how painful it is. And this woman has deliberately set a whole lot of innocent people up for a lot of pain.

[supermom]

Not only did you cheat on your husband twice, your friend w/ her husband..but you are also cheating your children.

 

You are cheating them out of a normal family life. Either get some marriage counceling or civily divorce.

 

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE KIDS?!

[StartingAgain]

Sorry, spock but you're out there on this one. What this woman is doing is horrific. You don't seem to understand this. Sometimes a good confrontation rather than a huggy, warm and fuzzy coddling is just the ticket to shaking their tree a bit and get them to think differently. I suspect you are arroaching this from a different perspective than most of us. Read what supermon wrote three times: WHY DOESN'T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE KIDS?!

[supermom]

we became best friend from the beginning, and our families have became one family.

 

Hmmm....

 

I hope this dysfunctional "family" breaks up for the wellbeing of everyone involved, voluntarily and unvoluntarily.

 

Do your kids call him "uncle step-daddy"?

 

This is going to be so confusing for them WHEN this gets out, because it will.

 

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

[Mr Spock]

Confrontation doesn't mean a person needs to sit there and continuously inform the poster of their moral inferiority. Since when does sleeping with someone you care for and are attracted to make you an easy lay? I'm on topic. I'm waiting for her response. She doesn't want your sympathy. She wants EMPATHY.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have a quick question. How would you feel if your husband was screwing your best friend? You later find out he has no plans to leave you but just enjoys having sex as much as he can with your best friend behind your back. What do you think that says about his moral compass?

 

Actually I think you and this OM make a perfect couple. You claim this man is your husband's best friend and you are very good friends with his wife. Apparently it does not bother you at all that what you and he are doing are engaging in double betrayals of your spouses. Your further stick the knife of disrespect and humiliation into them by having family get togethers with them. The bottom line is how would you feel if they were doing to you what you are doing to them? Why does your husband deserve total humiliation, betrayal and disrespect from you like this? I have a hunch you don't really care if your husband finds out or not. You said you would consider a relationship with the OM in the future. What a joke. Why would you wish to be involved with a man who betrays his wife and his best friend? Why would he wish to be involved with a woman who betrays her husband and his best friend? You both sound perfect for each other.

[StartingAgain]

Oh for heaven's sake, Spock!

 

From Webster's dictionary:

 

"empathy: noun. understanding and entering into another's feelings"

 

Since I am the former spouse of an adultress, I believe I am empathetic, just not in the way she wants. Empathy does not require approval.

 

You hold the minority view here. Indeed it is singular. You speak with a 70's "do your own thing and and don't consider anyone else's feelings" mentality. You bet I will call her on her immorality. Her behavior is going to hurt too many pweople -- innocent people, some of them children, who depend on her. She didn't have a single affair, this is the second one and with her husband's "best friend." Who in their right mind is going to approve of such behavior?

 

When all it takes for a woman to screw her husband's best friend is for him to touch her between her legs while swimming, I'd say that it is reasonable to say that she's an easy lay. When I was married, I was attracted to several women. Several were attracted to me and I had plenty of offers of sex, but I never once took anyone up on their offer.

 

Obviously, you have absolutely no experience with this. Either that or you are one of those people who thinks screwing around is acceptable. And obviously, you've never been involved in a formal confrontation. I have and the phychotherapist make it very clear to the participants that everyone needed to be firm in their postions and not waver. The point is to shake the person up and let them know in certain terms that their behavior is unacceptable.

 

Spock, your posts are usually pretty on target and I believe that you really do want to help people here. I'm sorry, but your postion on this is somewhat enabling. There's too much at stake here to sugar-coat a response. This woman needs professional help and she needs it fast. If my comments shock her into doing that, and she hates my guts for the things I've written, I can live with that.

[reservoirdog1]

If I might add my views to what SA said: mere number of sexual partners does not = "easy lay". There's nothing wrong with having sexual urges and liking sex. In my view, what makes an easy lay is a willingness to indulge those urges in spite of commitments made to others. It demonstrates a simple lack of willingness to exercise self control and to deny the boundaries that you willingly accepted into your life.

 

Although it's not a lifestyle for me, there is nothing inherently wrong with polyamourous relationships. But, both partners must be aware that that's what they have. If only one partner holds that view, then they are committing the crime that is, morally, much worse than infidelity, and that's duplicity and deceit. They are emotionally and physically betraying the ONE PERSON to whom they swore a vow NOT to do that. That's what I find so incomprehensible about marital infidelity: for most people, a wedding day is one of the most significant events in their lives. They remember standing up in front of their nearest and dearest, with all the pomp, circumstance and ceremony, placing a ring on somebody's finger, and vowing on their honour (or soul, if religious) to forsake all others. How is it that, when cheaters are about to begin affairs, alarm bells aren't going off in their heads? Or, how is it that they manage to convince themselves that what they're doing is okay? Or, how do they turn off the alarm bells and ignore them? I don't think I'll ever understand that as long as I live.

 

Oh, and to flesh things out for you, SA... having looked at her previous posts, Spock is a (former?) OW herself.

[StartingAgain]

A former OW herself. OK that explains much. One thing about polyamourous relationships resevoirdog... I, like you, have no moral issue with them as long as it is mututally consentual. Hoever, the ffailure rate of polyamourous relationsips is a near perfect 100%. They just can't work in the long run.

[Grinning Maniac]

Yeah, reservoirdog...I can't believe that either. Especially seeing how much emphasis WOMEN put on marriage in the first place. They want all these big, elaborate, and EXPENSIVE ceremonies and then would dare cheat on the guy? Bah. In my opinion, if a marriage breaks up because of infidelity, the husband should get back all of the money he and his family spent on the ceremony. Is that possible to arrange in a pre-nup?