Cheating w/ husbands best friend and starting to have feelings

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

Is anyone else finding it odd that lexingtongirl hasn't really posted at all in her own thread? I mean, this thing is getting pretty big and we're all pretty much just talking amongst ourselves.

 

 

What's with all this "moral superiority" bull****?

 

She came HERE for advice. We didn't come knocking on HER door. That advice is going to come with some judgement, like it or not. Sorry, but that's how the human mind works. You're a liar if you say you've never once judged something someone has done, flowerpot. So please. We think she's doing something stupid and needs to stop. What about that implies that we think we are "superior"?

 

What, we should tell her to keep banging the guy just so we look more humble?

 

never said i never judged anyone . i try not to be judgemental as i don't think it's helpful to anyone.

[moimeme]

It is not about being morally superior. But it seems people who feel guilty about things project that on others.

 

It is about trying to get someone to think about the consequences of their actions and maybe see that perhaps they are about to cause harm to innocent bystanders. Like it or not, it is not a good thing to cause harm to others, and people who do need to face the consequences of their actions, which may include a certain amount of disapprobation.

 

Someday, if you end up betrayed by someone you love and trust, you may see why people rush to defend the hapless spouses of adulterers. Someday read the posts from the betrayed people - or listen to someone like StartingAgain, who was betrayed, and try to justify what's been done to them. Go ahead, give it a whack and see how well you manage. I think you'll figure out why the 'how dare you disapprove' argument has no firm footing. People dare disapprove because somebody is being hurt by the actions of someone else - someone who did not willingly undertake actions which could result in painful consequences.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

It is not about being morally superior. But it seems people who feel guilty about things project that on others.

 

It is about trying to get someone to think about the consequences of their actions and maybe see that perhaps they are about to cause harm to innocent bystanders. Like it or not, it is not a good thing to cause harm to others, and people who do need to face the consequences of their actions, which may include a certain amount of disapprobation.

 

Someday, if you end up betrayed by someone you love and trust, you may see why people rush to defend the hapless spouses of adulterers. Someday read the posts from the betrayed people - or listen to someone like StartingAgain, who was betrayed, and try to justify what's been done to them. Go ahead, give it a whack and see how well you manage. I think you'll figure out why the 'how dare you disapprove' argument has no firm footing. People dare disapprove because somebody is being hurt by the actions of someone else - someone who did not willingly undertake actions which could result in painful consequences.

 

oh, that's cute trying to imply i have something to feel guilty about (no, i don't feel guilty).

 

and i've been betrayed many, many times. i've been married twice and both men were physically abusive and both men cheated on me. my first husband, also my high school sweet heart, cheated on me with about twenty different women within two years (he was in the navy and pretty much had a girl or two or three or four in every port). so please don't try now to preach to me about what it's like to be the person betrayed. been there. i didn't then and i don't now feel that judging the OW was beneficial to me at all. what was beneficial and what eventually caused me to get the therapy i needed to learn to love myself and to stop accepting being treated as i was, was to put the blame on my cheating husband and on myself for allowing it and not loving myself.

 

i'm sorry that tactic didn't work on me.

[sinner]

It is not about being morally superior. But it seems people who feel guilty about things project that on others.

 

The old "projection" canard. If someone's being an obnoxious ass#hole, which believe it or not happens with alarming frequency on the infidelity forum , and is accused of bashing (all in the name of "virtue" mind you) the victim of the obnoxious display of moral arrogance is merely "projecting" her "guilt" onto her accusers. So neat, so simple, so wrong. Sometime, an as#hole is simply an as#hole --even when he or she is acting like an as#hole in the name of morality.

 

 

Like it or not, it is not a good thing to cause harm to others, and people who do need to face the consequences of their actions, which may include a certain amount of disapprobation.

 

 

"Disapprobation," what a nice sounding word. When an OW is called a "ho," a "whore" and labeled an "easy lay" on these boards I suppose that's "disapprobation." On the other hand, one person's "disapprobation" is another person's crude misogynistic insult, which many of the "morally superior" feel entitled to inflict. Of course, all in the name of virtue.

[littleflowerpot]

i forgot to say that if y'all think i don't care about the wives and husbands hurt by infidelity, than you are mistaken. i do care. i care about the children. i also care about the people involved and i do believe that they are making incredibly hurtful choices not only to themselves but every family member involved. i just don't believe telling them what ignorant sluts they are is going to help.

[moimeme]

"Disapprobation," what a nice sounding word. When an OW is called a "ho," a "whore" and labeled an "easy lay" on these boards I suppose that's "disapprobation." On the other hand, one person's "disapprobation" is another person's crude misogynistic insult, which many of the "morally superior" feel entitled to inflict. Of course, all in the name of virtue

 

i just don't believe telling them what ignorant sluts they are is going to help.

 

Well now that's interesting. People are saying they aren't projecting, yet nobody has called anybody a 'whore' or, for that matter, an 'ignorant slut'. The only people who have used those terms are you two. And I certainly don't call names or insult people - few posters do and when they do, they get banned.

 

So nice try turning the discussion into something it's not. Nobody, least of all me, is justifying characterizing people. We are supposed to be talking about their actions and why their actions are unacceptable.

 

As for moral superiority, you should fold that five ways and stick it where the sun don't shine. It's not about that, but it appears that that point will continue to pass unnoticed by the anti-morality spokeshuman.

[Mr Spock]

Wrong, moimeme. I've seen the same posters recycle the same load of bile on people coming here for help. Most include, in addition to insults, a wish for a heaping load of pain to befall the poster.

 

As for moral superiority, you should fold that five ways and stick it where the sun don't shine. It's not about that, but it appears that that point will continue to pass unnoticed by the anti-morality spokeshuman.

 

 

Oh moimeme, but it is. Maybe not with you, but there are people on this forum who rub their hands with GLEE when a person like this posts. They confuse being able to point out someone's mistakes with giving advice.

 

This is how it normally goes

 

"Help!! I'm cheating on my husband/wife with ....... and I love them but I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't know what to do!!!"

 

and the responses fly in to the tune of "You are a terrible person. I hope your husband divorces you and drives you into debt"

 

to "You're not ready to be married, get a divorce, you're not mature enough"

 

to "You EVIL WH*RE-God will STRIKE YOU DOWN for your sins. How DARE you cheat"

 

It's fairly predictable.

 

If the original poster had said "I had an affair but I love my husband and I'm sorry" the tune would be WAY different.

 

And that's all I have to say about that. If people want to continue to delude themselves into thinking they're being helpful, they can.

[StartingAgain]

i didn't then and i don't now feel that judging the OW was beneficial to me at all.

 

Yeah, it's very popular to hold such a point of view nowadays. No one calls anyone one on anything, lest someone trumps out that "what right do you have to judge" card. And we have so many people behaving so badly that we scarcely seem to know right from wrong any more.

 

This isn't about judging a worman, but judging her behavior. Everyone go to the dictionary and look up the words "moral" and "morality." Count how many times you see the word "judgement."

 

I live in a society where it has become wrong to try to live a good, moral life and demand that my fellow citizens to the same. Go fugure...

[allnitelong]

Then stop judging the poster and start judging the actions!! Enough hypocrosy........

[lexingtongirl]

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR YOUR ADVISE. NOT EVERYONE HERE WAS SO NICE TO ME AND MY POST.

 

I DO REGRET WHAT I HAVE DONE, AND I HAVE STOPED THE AFFAIR W/ THE *F* BUDDY. WE ARE GOING TO TRY TO REMAIN FRIENDS. I KNOW THIS WILL BE HARD. BUT WE CAN DO IT.

 

WE ALSO DECIDED NOT TO TELL OUR OTHERS, B/C IT WOULD AFFECT THE FAMILIES.FOR THE CHILDRENS SAKE, WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE BEST.

 

I HAVE ALSO DECIDED NOT TO GO OVER THERE AS MUCH. FRIENDS ARE FRIEND AND WE DON'T HAVE TO SPEND EVERY WEEKEND OVER THERE.

 

I TOOK THIS WEEKEND AND SPENT IT WITH MY FAMILY AND IT HIT ME THAT I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT HERE AND NO WHERE ELSE.

 

I WAS STUPID FOR WHAT I DID, AND I WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THIS STUPID THING AGAIN.

 

THE FEELINGS I THOUGHT I HAD WAS JUST LUST!!!! AND NOTHEN MORE THAN THAT.

 

NOTHEN IS WORTH ME LOSING MY FAMILY AND MY BEST FRIEND.

 

 

 

I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE MY TOPIC THOUGH, HOW CAN I DO THAT?

[jmargel]

You need to deal with the issues and tell your husband about your affairs. Quit being so damn selfish. You don't take marriage seriously and you think between your legs. If you have any respect or love for your husband you'll tell him. If he decides to stay with you, then you should both goto marriage counciling to see what other problems are between you two. Not doing anything will just have it happen again. You are looking for something that is lacking in your marriage. But by doing this, you are putting him & yourself at risk.

[lexingtongirl]

NO, I just need to leave it alone and don't hurt him anymore than I have.

 

I don't think w/ what is between my legs. Oh I guess it's okay for a man to do this and not a woman.

 

I will be seeking help w/ someone, but No, I don't need to let him know and hurt him.

 

There is only one poster on here that has made any since to me and made me think. I will not say who it is, but thank you for making me come to my sense.!!!!!

 

I MADE A MISTAKE AND I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. THIS WANT HAPPEN AGAIN.

[lexingtongirl]

THE REASON I WASN'T POSTING IS B/C I WAS WORKING ON THE PROBLEM OVER THE WEEKEND AND WAS TRYING TO FIX THE PROBLEM.

 

YES, I CAME TO YOU FOR ADVISE, AND YOU ALL CAME BACK AT ME HARD, WHEN ALL I ASKED FOR WAS SOME ADVISE, NOT TO JUDGE ME IN WHAT I HAD DONE.

 

LIKE I STATED ABOVE THE AFFAIR HAS STOPPED AND THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I WILL AND GO GET HELP! I DON'T THINK MY HUSBAND NEEDS TO KNOW, AS THIS WILL HURT HIM, I KNOW HE WANT LEAVE, BUT I DON'T WANT OTHER PROBLEMS TO COME UP AND NEVER TRUST ME AGAIN, I WILL DEAL W/ THIS.

 

[font=courier new][color=red]THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!!![/color][/font]

[jmargel]

 

What if your husband did this to you? Wouldn't you want to know? You know you did wrong, yet you don't want to pay the consequences to your actions. Love & marriage are built on a foundation of a number of things: Love, TRUST, compatibility, companionship and a few others. One of these days he will find out. I don't know how, but it usually happens that way. You going to counciling alone will only do so much good, since you said things have been lacking in your marriage. Perhaps he has picked up on alot of things from YOU, since you have been cheating.

 

How can you expect him to show you affection, etc.. when you were telling us that you have feelings for another man! How can you possibily love your husband? I think you are just comfortable in the situation you are in, and don't want to lose the security your husband provides to you. Karma is a bitch, so unless you come clean, it will come back at you.

[lexingtongirl]

It took this weekend to realize that they weren't feelings, but actually lust.

Trust me there is NO feelings there at all.

 

Yes, I agree marriage is made up of many things, but everyone has secrets. My husband knows everything about me and what I have done in the past, so this would be the only thing that I have kept from him.

 

 

We will work through this and our marriage will be okay, if I don't tell him, we will still be okay.

 

I need to go on and act like nothen has happened. It will work and I want ever ever do this stupid move again.

 

He is ALL that I need.

[reservoirdog1]

Two points:

 

1) You need to tell your husband. Yes, it will hurt him. But right now, he is already hurt -- he just doesn't know it. The damage to the marriage has been done, even though he's unaware of it. There were problems in the marriage that led you to cheat -- they don't justify your straying but they explain it. You were disatisfied about something and you sought that satisfaction with somebody else. Your husband needs to know so that he can work with you to fix the problems. It's true, you could go to him and say, "listen, there are problems in the marriage, I'm not happy in this area, let's try to fix it." But without all the info, he's unlikely to know just how serious the problem is, and it risks him trivializing it as a result, or working with you on the problem for awhile before you two lapse back into the situation that led you to stray in the first place.

 

2) I am genuinely impressed that you recognized that what you were doing was part of the problem, not the solution, and took steps to end it. That couldn't have been easy, but you've done the right thing, and it's the right first step.

 

Well done.

 

RD

[HokeyReligions]

Sorry that everyone has been so hard on you ---myself included.

 

It's takes balls to come back here and admit your mistake. I really respect that a lot. I know you are hurting and the only thing I can think of to say to you is that this pain will hopfully be a cleansing pain for you and won't last forever. The pain you felt before you made this decision was a nasty hurt that would have festered and infected your life like gangrene, until you had to lose part of yourself. Now, you will heal.

[StartingAgain]

Good for you! I am really glad to hear that you have decided to turn from this path. I will not, however, recommend that you tell your husband about this -- at least not until you have consulted a marital therapist. I believe that this is a secret you take to your grave and I know that mamy people would not agree with me on that. In any even, I have no desire to open an new debate on that point. If you do tell your husband, you will require professional assistance, since it is almost always needed to recover from infidelity. So you will need a game plan and the revelation must be accomplished in a controlled way, usually in the therapists offic during a session. I can tell you that a therapist is probably going to advise against revealing this unless absolutely necessary (if at all) until other issues in your marriage are addressed.

[jmargel]

This is the only thing? WRONG! You cheated on him before and he doesn't know about it. You make this seem so trival. Like you accidently got drunk one night and flirted with a guy.

 

Things WON'T be ok. That's what you don't understand. You need to get this all out. How do you think you are going to fix this by yourself? You are living a lie, and he is with you under false pretense. How can you live with the guilt? You are in a fantasy world.

 

You have done this twice. After the first time you did it, you said it was stupid. Now you say it again. I don't believe you.

 

As for you sinner. You name fits. I don't think i'm above everyone else. She has come here for advice, and if she wants someone to pat her on the head & say don't worry about it, well then maybe you two can PM each other. She wants to fix what is wrong in their marriage. The only way to do that is to be honest and admit her wrongdoing.

 

Originally posted by lexingtongirl

It took this weekend to realize that they weren't feelings, but actually lust.

Trust me there is NO feelings there at all.

 

Yes, I agree marriage is made up of many things, but everyone has secrets. My husband knows everything about me and what I have done in the past, so this would be the only thing that I have kept from him.

 

 

We will work through this and our marriage will be okay, if I don't tell him, we will still be okay.

 

I need to go on and act like nothen has happened. It will work and I want ever ever do this stupid move again.

 

He is ALL that I need.

[Grinning Maniac]

Lexington,

 

Why do you think by not telling your husband and acting like the affair never happened everything will be fine? Don't you realize that you did the same thing when you had the affair with your boss and all it did was lead to THIS affair? It didn't help solve anything in the marriage. Obviously, hiding your head in the sand is not a good strategy. I know it's natural to not want to hurt your husband and I commend you for that, but realize that the course of action you are planning on taking has NOT worked in the past and more than likely WILL NOT work in the future. It's time for fresh tactics.

 

As another poster suggested, tell your husband about the problems you feel exist in the marriage(just informing, not blaming, this is important for communication) and then tell him what you did and have done in the past. This will make him realize the seriousness of the situation. It will hurt him, yes. But more than likely he will find out anyway, at least about the latest affair. This guy isn't some boss who has no connection to you or your friends. This is your husband's best friend. These sort of things always come out one way or another. It's better for him to hear it from you.

 

The ball's in your court, Lex. Don't drop it again.

 

 

PS: You have my respect as well for admitting you screwed up after three pages of us busting your balls, so to speak. That takes some guts. Sorry I was so hard on you before.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by jmargel

This is the only thing? WRONG! You cheated on him before and he doesn't know about it. You make this seem so trival. Like you accidently got drunk one night and flirted with a guy.

 

Things WON'T be ok. That's what you don't understand. You need to get this all out. How do you think you are going to fix this by yourself? You are living a lie, and he is with you under false pretense. How can you live with the guilt? You are in a fantasy world.

 

You have done this twice. After the first time you did it, you said it was stupid. Now you say it again. I don't believe you.

 

As for you sinner. You name fits. I don't think i'm above everyone else. She has come here for advice, and if she wants someone to pat her on the head & say don't worry about it, well then maybe you two can PM each other. She wants to fix what is wrong in their marriage. The only way to do that is to be honest and admit her wrongdoing.

 

"The only way to fix her marriage is to do what you say?"

WRONG. Listen to yourself. Such arrogance.

 

You must really have a high opinion of yourself. Is it always your way or the highway with you?

 

The truth of the matter is, eventually, she is going to get caught if she keeps up this behaviour. Karma has a way of returning on you.

[StartingAgain]

What is your deal, Spock. I see nothing of value in anything you've posted on this thread. You have completely missed the points others have raised in this discussion. All you have done is come in here and deride others for not holding your singular point of view. You talk critcize others for being jundgemental, when you are the most judgemental person here.

 

While I don't necessarily agree with everything that jmargel wrote to lexingtongirl, he does make some valid points that she'd be wise to consider.

 

And, most importantly, jmargel wasn't talking to you, he was talking to lexingtongirl. Rather than offering a reasoned, alterative opinion, you just attacked him. Those who have nothing of value to offer attack the messenger rather than the message. And don't talk to others about arrogance, since your own arrogance would fill a sizeable room.

[Mr Spock]

Oddly enough, startingagain, one could say the same about you. In terms of missing the point and singular POV.

 

What Lexington needs to do is work on herself as a person. Discover what it is that causes her to have sex with men other than the one she claims to love. Devote herself to her family, stop seeing this man and his wife as friends. No more "temptation". I feel that when she really learns what it is that is causing all of this in her marriage (ie what she feels is lacking) then she'll be so overcome with guilt she will spill the beans. And she'll be in a position to fight like she's never had to to save her marriage.

 

So back the hell off.

[sinner]

Good to hear, lex. I hope that this chapter is indeed closed, and you will reconnect with your husband.

 

If you relapse, or are in need of additional advice, you can brave the the public boards (and the "disapprobation") or you could pm those folks, like Spock, who'd rather help you than condemn you. Your choice.

 

Good luck.

[Mr Spock]

I'd also like to add that everyone who states that she needs to tell the truth to her husband before things can be fixed-how do you expect her to tell HIM the truth when she doesn't even know it herself? It's more than expressing the fact that she had sex with a nother man-this information will tear her husband to peices. Trust me. It causes a whole truckload of self doubt. And she'll need to be prepared to answer questions like "Why?" and lust and attraction aren't going to cut it. The fact remains is that when you are in love with someone, you don't have eyes like that for anyone else. Oh, she may LOVE her husband. But it's not the mad attraction of being in love. Otherwise she wouldn't have had two affairs. So I think it's important for her to ask questions of herself-obtain some counselling, and get some professional ideas on what she can do to improve her marriage. Then, she can tell him. And face the fall out. Because when he asks "Why!?!?!" and she is sobbing "I don't KNOW" it's not going to be enough for him.