Cheating w/ husbands best friend and starting to have feelings

[Grinning Maniac]

*reads last few posts*

 

You know, Spock...you raise good points sometimes, but xxx

[supermom]

[Grinning Maniac]

*laughs at supermom's reaction*

 

What? I think she's a sharp lady and makes good points, as I said, but it just seems like she's always snapping at someone. Maybe that's just how I see it. Her post to jmargel was pretty rude, she even kinda put words in his mouth with that misquote.

 

Anyway, back on topic?

 

:eek: :eek:

[timmy o'tool]

you cheated on your husband, your marriage will not last.

[StartingAgain]

Spock, I absolutely agree with your last post. Revealing two affairs to her husband will destroy his world. It will cause him anguish and whatever will if accomplish? Some would say her husband has a right to know who he is dealing with and I can't argue with that, but he doesn't know about these affairs and so, now that she has ended them, and if she gets the help she needs to figure out why she did this, she can make the changes she needs to make in herself, and she can do it without causing her husband the pain. And you are so right in that the only answer she can give him to the "why" question (and it will be question number one) is "I don't know." He deserves more than that and has a right to demand more. But it isn't just her husband she needs to consider, it's her OM's wife. This revelation will have a cascade effect.

 

I said this eariler and I will say it again. Most marriage therapist/councelors advice a wayward spouse not to reveal their affair. As my therapist said, it puts the marriage into immediate crisis and makes it nearly impossible to focus on the issues that lead to the affair in the first place. If it becomes necessary to disclose, it must be handled very, very carefully and the therapist must be involved.

 

Timmy O'Tool, a marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes a lot of work and dedication.

[seriously confused]

I think that anyone who comes onto this site and asks for help is opening them selves up for all kinds of shots and we still post anyway. I don't however think that anyone should be attacking anyone. That is what the site is here for so people can post thier probs and see what others think. On the other side of the coin, when someone does post, some reactions are brought out that we may not expect. I guess we are all guilty of human behavior and reacting strongly to things that we are opposed to. Affairs are generally looked at as the bottom of the pile yet guys at the same time lexingtongirl came here and aired her dirty laundry in the hopes that we as responders would light her way so that she could make a decision about her shattered marriage. And that is what we are supposed to do is help others otherwise this site would not be here. I commend anyone who comes on here and shares stories and pain and all these things with us. Guys, we should not be so hard on her. SHE has made the ultimate choice by having an affair and it is not up to us to make her feel guilty, I can guaruntee you she allready does. I have also noticed that these disscusions get pretty heavy around here and I see that there is so much going on with all of our lives and we should be supportive of ALL posters no matter what. That is why they are here in the fist place. Do I agree with what she has done? No not at all I think that there are other ways to deal with our relationships but it's not my place to agree with what she did. That is her marriage, and her choice. If she chooses to hurt then that's exactly that her choice. It is also very nice to see how everyone is there to send a response to others in need. i hope that once I post here that I will recieve input. your all great people for taking the time out to give your thoughts

 

from seriously confused.....................

[jmargel]

Spock I never say it's my way or the highway. I give advice, and it can be direct to the point. But when I give advice, I give it with looking at the future of those involved. I also try to put myself in their shoes. From my own personal past experiences, I would want to know. My ex had an emotional affair with my ex best friend of 15 years. The last 6 months she was with me, she admitted she didn't love me. Though all her actions spoke otherwise. It was all a lie.

 

As for Lex's husband, you think by not telling him you are saving him pain? Wrong, he is in pain, but just wondering where it's coming from. Someone who's cheating on their mate can't give them the undivided love, trust and companionship that they could be. Over those years, it can almost be a guarantee that he's picked up on this. Probably questioning himself why.

 

Remember this is his best friend as well. This happened to me. I was devestated and felt so betrayed. To be honest, I doubt the marriage will survive her telling him. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't know what happened. He needs the opportunity to make a decision on his own marriaged, based on ALL THE FACTS. Would you want your wife sleeping with your best friend and not be told about it?

 

She hasn't learned from her mistakes, she went through the samething after the first affair. Her telling him is a risk, but also a requirement if she wants to attempt to salvadge anything left within' the marriage. She is just too scared to face the consequences.

 

I would still like to know Lex, how are you going to fix this? How did you all of a sudden obtain all this knowledge about effective communication, have a understanding and have a love so deep that you are commited to him for life? How can you say you are going to be a loving and trusting wife when you are still lying to him? How can you deal with the guilt? How are you going to address the problems between you two without this coming out? How are you going to keep all of this from your husband, knowing if you upset his best friend at any time, everything can be let out?

 

This isn't going to make you happy having all of this on your shoulders. All it is going to do is remanifest itself into a different form and cause other problems. Just like a drug or alcohol problem, or any sort of problem for that matter. The first step is to admit there is something wrong, meaning admitting it to the person you have done the most harm to.

[PFPunks]

I think that anyone who comes onto this site and asks for help is opening them selves up for all kinds of shots and we still post anyway. I don't however think that anyone should be attacking anyone

 

Well.... Supposedly she came to this site for advice, but do we really think she needed advice? I think what she had to do was pretty clear to her and everyone else, what she needed was help in dealing with it.

 

Also, I have, in the past, had some very serious jealousy issues because of people like her. I used to wonder if my girl was flirting with a guy everytime I turned my back, much like she does. Stealing kisses when her hubby's not looking. The idea that my signifcant other could do something like this crushes me.

 

So of course were going to be up in arms when someone comes to the forum and posts about being unfaithful. I dont believe for a second that lex is going to stop her cheating, I mean its a nice thought and all but she's obviously not satisfied with the way things are will continue this behavior until her husband catches her blowin his best friend in the bathroom right next to the bedroom where their child sleeps.

 

I dont know if your still reading these lex but... You've done it b......nevermind... I guess its not my place to say. I mean she quit cheating after the first time, so maybe she'll be able to do it again.

 

Good Luck Lex

 

Andrew

[StartingAgain]

This isn't going to make you happy having all of this on your shoulders.

 

It may not make her happy, but this burden should remain just where you say: on *her* shoulders. She needs to learn to deal with the guild of her behavior alone, not off-load it onto her husband and cause him so much pain. That will just compound the wrong. No, she needs to get herself some help and deal with this herself. If her husband learns of the affairs, then she has to come clean and give him as much detail as he demands. This doesn't have to manifest itself in other problems. If she deals with it, it won't.

 

Consider this, jmargel. Suppose your wife nad come to you and told you only that she didn't love you anymore and that she could not remain married to you. That was the real issue, after all. She could have told you only this and the hurt would have been bad enough. But the pain you had to bear was compounded by the revelation that she acted on this by having an emotional affair with your best friend. That last action served no useful purpose except to hurt; it didn't change anything. Therefore, it was unnecessary.

 

We keep forgetting one detail in this thread because we get caught up in our own feelings: the children. As long as Lex and her husband are not toxic and abusive to one another, their children have a right to have their parents together and raising them as partners. Lex's needs and those of her husband's are secondary concerns. That's the sacrifice you make when you bring children into the world. You state that revealing this affair will probably end the marriage. If that is correct, then Lex must not reveal the affairs. Her children are innocents and should nt be made to have to endure the chaos, the pain and the emotional fall-out of their mother's mistake.

 

This is a situation where ethics dictates that Lex choose between two moral principals. Whenever faced with such a choice, one should always go with the one that causes pain and suffering only to oneself.

[sinner]

I'm with you, startingagain. In a perfect world, lex would make a full disclosure. As we see every day on these boards, however, this is a far from perfect world. Looking at this pragmatically, as opposed to ethically, if there is the reasonable probability that lex's disclosure of the affair to her husband would end the marriage, I don't recommend it. Sometimes the collateral consequences from doing the right thing make the right thing a bad thing. This may be one of those times.

 

I recommend individual therapy, a marital re-focusing and discretion. Sometimes honesty can kill...

[moimeme]

It took this weekend to realize that they weren't feelings, but actually lust.

Trust me there is NO feelings there at all.

 

I, too, am impressed that you questioned yourself thoroughly and discovered the reality of your situation.

 

I'm of two minds about telling him. It depends on what kind of person he is. Some people prefer not to know things. The person to whom I was married never asked if he was the 'first' for me and I only ever told him what he wanted to know. I, on the other hand, would far prefer to know the truth, no matter what that truth is. It is someone's honesty that I appreciate and I have quite a bit of tolerance and a lot of forgiveness. If my spouse had a brief affair but regretted it thoroughly and promised to never do such a thing again, I'd forgive him.

 

What is troublesome, however is having two affairs. It sounds as though there was not enough regret to stop you from doing it again. In that case, if another opportunity comes up will you take it again or are you positive that you will never follow this path any more?

 

I would definitely seek counselling to figure out what it is you're looking for in these affairs and how to stop doing it.

[reservoirdog1]

I could go on at length about the fact that her husband has a right to know who he's married to so he can make his own decisions about his future, but I won't. As with you, Sinner, I'll look at it pragmatically.

 

Lex's OM and his wife are close friends of her and her husband. OM is her husband's best friend (although with friends like him, who needs enemies?). It's not as though Lex can just stop seeing him, or even reduce that frequency to a great degree, without her husband picking up on it. Don't you think he'll notice something's weird?

 

Also, whether or not Lex ever decides to make full disclosure, there's a wild card in all of this: the best friend. He may crack to his wife. Or to Lex's husband. Or his wife may found out on her own because, contrary to what he told Lex, he actually HAS screwed around in the past and it's not as well-kept a secret as he thinks, and when she finds out, the whole mess unravels. And, it'll be a hell of a lot worse, both for Lex and her marriage, if her husband finds out from somebody other than her.

 

What can't be denied here is that Lex may very well have already dug the grave for her marriage. And whether or not it dies may very well be beyond her control. But if she comes clean (not necessarily immediately, I'll allow), then at least she retains some control.

 

I'm not going to moralize in this post. I hope she gets the help she needs and successfully changes her ways. But it may not matter at all, if the deception continues indefinitely.

[jmargel]

Consider this, jmargel. Suppose your wife nad come to you and told you only that she didn't love you anymore and that she could not remain married to you. That was the real issue, after all. She could have told you only this and the hurt would have been bad enough. But the pain you had to bear was compounded by the revelation that she acted on this by having an emotional affair with your best friend. That last action served no useful purpose except to hurt; it didn't change anything. Therefore, it was unnecessary

 

Wrong.. If she just told him she didn't love him & doesn't want to be with him then HE is going to be taking all of the guilt. Wondering what happened, wondering what he did was so wrong for this to happen? At least her telling ALL, that he won't put this all on HIS shoulders.

 

As for the kids, it's more important for the kids to know what true honesty and love is. Not to be living in a fake world. Otherwise when will it stop? For two people to be together and be miserable for the sake of the children? Children aren't dumb, and they pick up on miscontentment between their mom & dad. They then take it out on themselves. She needs to be honest with her husband and depending on what he decides, they need to talk to their children. To reassure them that nothing they did caused this. Children often take the guilt that they did something wrong for all of this to happen.

 

A marriage is about trust, a vow for better or worse. She continues to not follow her vows by keeping this a secret. What if he were to ask? Should she tell then? To me she is still lying to him, even if he doesnt ask. It's called 'Truth Untold'.

[StartingAgain]

If she just told him she didn't love him & doesn't want to be with him then HE is going to be taking all of the guilt. Wondering what happened, wondering what he did was so wrong for this to happen?

 

Not so. This is about her feelings, not his. Whyever should he feel guilty because someone else tell him she doesn't love him anymore? My ex told me shortly before the divorce that she had stopped loving me long ago and it was possible that she had never loved me. Is that my fault? No, it most assuredly is not, and I have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

You proceed on a common but flawed presumption that the only way to have a healthy marriage is for their to be 100% disclosure of all your thoughts, feelings and actions. This is a popular romantic notion, but any good marital therapist will tell you is is false. There are just somethings you never share with anyone, even your mate. THey remain between you and your God. If you are a religious man, pose this question to your minister or rabbi.

 

I never suggested that Lex can pull this off. She has a hard road ahead and she may fail. But she must take full and complete responsibility for her actions and consider the ethics of her situation. It won't be easy to juggle dealing with her own guilt, keeping her relationship with her husband healthy, and protecting her children from this knowledge, but that's what she bought when she committed adultry.

 

Reservoirdog raises the point of the wildcard of the OM. This must be anticipated. If Lex decides not to disclose this, but it appears that her husband is going to learn of it from a thirt party, then she must disclose it hyerself and face the consequences. This is because learning of this from someone other than her will increase his pain by humiliation.

 

You speak of the vow. There is nothing in our traditional vow about telling your spouse everything. There is somethig about for better or worse, but people conveniently forget the "for worse" part. As soon as things get a little tough, they forsake their vow. That vow states that if Lex's husband learns of the affairs, we will stand by her. Think he'll do it? He might. Given thes stakes, I don't think it is worth the risk.

 

One other thought. I read here and hear so many people say that if mom and dad aren't getting along or are having problems, they should divorce so that the children won't be subjected to their problems. This could not be farther from the truth. Except in the case of real abuse, it is really little more than a rationalization for selfish behavior. What mom and dad have to do is put their differences aside and learn how to be good spouses. It's the job they took on when they decided to bring children into the world and they have no right to shirk it.

 

See how complicated and confused it all gets? See how many hard choices have to be considered? These are things that in the lust of the moment, people never think about before they unzip. Morality aside, having an affair is sheer stupidity.

[jmargel]

never suggested that Lex can pull this off. She has a hard road ahead and she may fail. But she must take full and complete responsibility for her actions and consider the ethics of her situation. It won't be easy to juggle dealing with her own guilt, keeping her relationship with her husband healthy, and protecting her children from this knowledge, but that's what she bought when she committed adultry.

 

You are contradicting yourself. How can she take full & complete responsibility when she doesn't tell him?

 

Here is what the traditional wedding vow is:

 

 

I, (Bride/Groom), take (you/thee) (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband),

 

to have and to hold you from this day forward,

 

for better or for worse,

 

for richer, or for poorer,

 

in sickness and in health.

 

I further promise to love you and cherish you,

 

and be faithful to you for as long as we both shall live.

 

 

 

Faithful meaning not only in not having relations with others, but also being honest with your mate. This is different then telling 'all your thoughts', etc.. to your spouse. I agree that some things that pop in your head shouldnt be said to your spouse. However this is different. When it affects the marriage, and when it affects him having the ability to make an important decision in his life then that's when it is wrong.

 

As for the children, they probably know their mom & dad aren't getting along. I don't know the entire situation with that. But to stay in a relationship just for the kids is wrong. Everyone ends up being unhappy.

[DazednConfused]

Hi all,

 

This thread seems to changed to a discourse regarding whether Lex is correct in keeping the secrets from her husband. I already had my say in this thread about her options, and so have stayed out of it from there, but wanted to give a viewpoint from one recently in the position of Lex's husband.

 

Both schools of thought have their good and bad points. I think disclosure will have different effects depending upon the current overall atmosphere of the marriage and the disposition of Lex's husband.

 

If Lex has been able to truly keep the love in her marriage and her husband somehow does not suspect a thing, then disclosure would be a bomb of epic proportion. I don't see how anyone can be in the position of her husband and be totally unaware, but as devil's advocate here, I suppose it could happen. In this case, I think counseling just for Lex to seek and destroy the factors leading to her infidelities are a must. She need not tell him what she has done, but she must disclose the fact that she feels something is missing in her marriage. Further, that she is seeking help because she believes that the missing link resides within herself and not him. He must at the very least be aware that all is not right in the world, and that he stands a chance of his marriage failing. It will also somewhat prepare him if there is inadvertant disclosure down the road.

 

If distrust and suspicion exist in the household, and her husband is aware but in denial, then she must tell him all, and sincerely ask for his help and forgiveness. If he suspects and she begins counseling without him, then the distrust will probably fester and make things far worse instead of better. Right now, he probably believes he is being crazy, suspicious and overly protective. He is finding flaws within himself that do not exist, and battling the inner voice that is telling him his wife is doing his best friend. He needs to know he is not crazy, and be given the information that he needs to make a decision about working on the marriage or ending it.

 

There will be suspicion if she begins cutting contact with the other couple because it is out of the established norm. Lex has shown time and again that she unable or unwilling to resist temptation and if she believes that she can single-handedly control herself and this situation, there will be alot more anguish before all is done. IMHO. Without outside help, she will probably do this again, and continue to do so until something truly shakes her behavior.

 

I do not advocate keeping anything secret in marriage if it could affect the well-being of the union. I stand with J on that point. Every little thought and action need not be discussed, but anything that could have an effect should be shared. At the same time, I think some damage control is not always a bad thing.

 

At the end of the day, Lex will do as she will, right or wrong. We offer our opinions and advice, but the fact is, we don't know the players involved. I wish both couples all the luck.

[StartingAgain]

Well, jmargel, I cannot say that you are incorrect in your point of view. Im not contradicting myself since my approach has a single goal: not causing unnecessary pain to others, but dealing with it yourself. I know that the late Dr. Shirly Glass, who spent her life helping couples with infidelity an researching the psychology of it, would say we both have good points. I certainly don't approach this with the certitute thar I have in regard to not commiting infodelity in the first place. As I recommended to Lex, she needs to work with a therapist before taking any action, since if disclosure is necessary, it must be handled very delicately and with the assistance of someone who knows how it should be handled.

 

My marriage vow was similar to yours, except that mine included "love, honor and cherish" and "foresaking all other cleve only unto you." There is so much more to this than promising not to mess around. It means that whenever you are faced with a choice, you choose your spouse. He/she must come before all others and that includes your mother, father, siters and brothers, boss, everyone.

 

One other thing about the children. We often say that parents shouldn't discuss seriour matters or have disagreements in front of the children. Certainly there are some things that should not be discussed in front of them and parents should never have those bitter, know down, drag out fights in their presence. But, beyond that, it is actually a good thing for parents to have disagreements and discussions in the children's presence, since it shows them that moms and das have disagreements and that they can be resolved postitively. But in order to do this, you have to know how to agrue in a positive way.

[reservoirdog1]

Reservoirdog raises the point of the wildcard of the OM. This must be anticipated. If Lex decides not to disclose this, but it appears that her husband is going to learn of it from a thirt party, then she must disclose it hyerself and face the consequences. This is because learning of this from someone other than her will increase his pain by humiliation.

 

Speaking from Lex's perspective for just a moment, that sounds very risky. It's possible she might get some advance warning that her husband is on the cusp of finding out. But it's just as likely, and even more so IMHO, that she won't get that kind of warning. She won't be party to every discussion between OM and his wife, and she will have no control over what his wife does the moment after OM has come clean. Sounds like a lot to hope for that Lex will somehow get a heads-up that her husband is about to get wise.

 

Dazed... I was TOTALLY unaware that TBXW had had three affairs. Yes, finding out she wanted out of the marriage hurt like a SOB. Finding out she'd cheated hurt even more. But I do not for a moment regret that she told me. Firstly, I would have found out very quickly anyway (a couple of my friends knew -- long story -- and would have told me), and secondly, it guided me in making my own decisions as to whether or not she was the kind of person I would want to stay married to. After all, I didn't cheat (in spite of a few opportunities) -- she did. That suggests that we had a different makeup in some regard. And it was vitally important for me to know that she was capable of cheating and would readily choose to do so when the chips were down.

[DazednConfused]

Hey Res....

 

Again, I was just playing devil's advocate. I personally still very much resent that I got confirmation of my wife's affair elsewhere instead of from my wife. It pisses me off that she would have let me go on thinking I was nuts. But I think that is because i was already suspicious and denying what my head was telling me because I did not want to believe it. And so was having vicious little circles and battles within myself.

 

I try to imagine myself in the totally unaware state and how much more the revelation would hurt, and whether it would have been truly necessary for me to know if my wife was seeking help. My wife did end it on her own, and had recommitted herself to me, it was only after her former lover came clean to his wife that my own suspicions were confirmed.

 

I am standing by my vows and working on things with my wife. One thing this has made me do; I take our respective behaviors and tendencies very seriously now. Everything we do and don't do now are considered in the context of the health of our marriage. If I remained blissfully unaware, I would not be able to help things from my end.

 

I am glad I know what happened.

[lexingtongirl]

Alright guys, This is LEX and lst night. I caught my husband on line talking to a couple about "SWINGING". He wants to try this. I'm still not going to tell him what I have done. I told him I would not swing w/ people I don't know. He told me that you don't want to swing w/ your friends. YOU DON"T DO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!

 

What do you think of this. I'm trying to fix what I did wrong and now he wants to try this new thing b/c he's curious. He reads alot of Penthouse MAgs and got the ideal from that.

 

HELP ME NOW

[sinner]

So much for the innocent "spousal" victim. Life is complicated--much more so than these message boards allow.

 

I'm with you lex--swinging with strangers is yucky. Friends are much better. If you and your husband do join the swingers set, this might satisfy your wanderlust with your husband's approval and knowledge--much like regulated adultery. Interesting developments.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

It's a mistake to swing with friends because you can more easily develop feelings. The idea of swinging, as I understand it, is to have the sex without the involvement. Therefore, you don't pick people you already like a lot. Lex, do some reading at swinger websites and read all the cautions they have. People into that lifestyle have posted here and say it can be done if you stick to all the rules.

 

You didn't say how you'd feel about your husband having sex with other women, BTW.

[lexingtongirl]

We talked about it lastnight, and I'm not sure if I could do this? I don't know how I feel about it. Really after what I have done, I shouldn't have any feelings. If this is something he wants to do, I should respect him and do this for him.

 

I would be gealous but at the sametime I would be getting on w/ her husband. He says the same thing as I do. But, he could do it.

[sinner]

Lex, don't force yourself to swing to atone for your affairs. Bad move. If you do not want to swing, don't. If you don't want your husband to swing, tell him that.

 

Swinging is the last thing one wants to be ambivalent about.

 

As for feeling that you're a hypocrite, perhaps. But you're doing the right thing.

 

Do not swing, or falsely ok your husband's swinging, because of guilt over your affairs.

 

You'll regret it, and resent your husband. Who knows, you may have yet another affair to retaliate against him for the swinging.

 

What a mess.

[jmargel]

This is all messed up.

 

Don't you see by not telling him, what you are going into? Your husband has no clue what is going on, neither does this other guy's wife.

 

What you did was NOT swinging. You cheated, and for you to have sex with this guy again is just.. well.. disgusting.

 

You aren't listening to us, so I am not going to repeat myself anymore. If you want to know more about swinging, goto http://www.swingersboard.com But you have SO many issues you need to fix in your life, swinging should be the last thing you are thinking about.