An old school friend

[schoolmate]

Hello everyone,,

 

My apologies for the long post

 

I am stuck with this sense of confusion!

 

About a year back I found an old school crush on a social networking site and we started chatting. Back in school days we both knew we liked one another but never confessed so finding each other now rekindled the same old flame - at least for me - we still have not confessed. Now we are both married and have kids. we are both well established in our careers and have happy families. so the thought of seeing a MM isnt easy to sink in.

 

Anyway, we used to chat everynight for hours and then after a few months he told me that we shouldnt chat as his wife may not like it. And then we didnt chat untill after a few months later when he sent me a mail to check how I was. When I asked him why he wanted to be in touch again he just said he was sorry about how it ended last time and so he had written to me only to apologise. So after the apology he wanted us to stop chatting again.

 

I dont think it sat very well with me so I kept sending him emails to which he didnt respond untill very recently. And then we chatted again like old times. when I asked him when i would see him online again he said after a few weeks and now I have sent him endless number of mails but he wont respond or come online. I am so confused - when he chats with me he makes me feel like he really likes me and then he vanishes completely.

 

I cant decide whats going on here - can anyone please advise me. I find it impossible to get him out of my head and dont know what to do.

[carhill]

It's called an online EA. Married people with this propensity use it as salve for their own issues with themselves and/or in the M, or as a time filler/fantasy.

 

I've walked this path (as a MM) and recognize some of the signs.

 

TBH, I'd just tell him it was fun but he's married and hence inappropriate. Leave it at that. Then delete his contact information. Should he become unmarried, it will be easy enough to find you.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

Hello everyone,,

 

My apologies for the long post

 

I am stuck with this sense of confusion!

 

About a year back I found an old school crush on a social networking site and we started chatting. Back in school days we both knew we liked one another but never confessed so finding each other now rekindled the same old flame - at least for me - we still have not confessed. Now we are both married and have kids. we are both well established in our careers and have happy families. so the thought of seeing a MM isnt easy to sink in.

 

Anyway, we used to chat everynight for hours and then after a few months he told me that we shouldnt chat as his wife may not like it. And then we didnt chat untill after a few months later when he sent me a mail to check how I was. When I asked him why he wanted to be in touch again he just said he was sorry about how it ended last time and so he had written to me only to apologise. So after the apology he wanted us to stop chatting again.

 

I dont think it sat very well with me so I kept sending him emails to which he didnt respond untill very recently. And then we chatted again like old times. when I asked him when i would see him online again he said after a few weeks and now I have sent him endless number of mails but he wont respond or come online. I am so confused - when he chats with me he makes me feel like he really likes me and then he vanishes completely.

 

I cant decide whats going on here - can anyone please advise me. I find it impossible to get him out of my head and dont know what to do.

 

What I think, what LS thinks or what the man in the moon thinks is pointless.

 

Ask your H. His opinion matters more than mine.

What does he think?

 

And if he doesn't know because you are hiding it, then you have all you need to know.

[carhill]

OP, very few men I know, including myself, and I'm pretty apologetic (my exW said I apologized too much), contact a woman only to apologize for something and want nothing else. He wants something, if only to check on your relationship status. He's up to something.

[mercy]

You're all wrapped up in the sting of rejection and him playing the cat and mouse game. Remove yourself. What difference does it make why he's doing what he's doing. So unproductive.

 

He's conflicted, he's married. Why push it? Leave conflicted MM alone.

 

Have you asked yourself why you're doing this? Take the focus off him and put it on you. So much more constructive.

[woinlove]

Hello everyone,,

 

My apologies for the long post

 

I am stuck with this sense of confusion!

 

About a year back I found an old school crush on a social networking site and we started chatting. Back in school days we both knew we liked one another but never confessed so finding each other now rekindled the same old flame - at least for me - we still have not confessed. Now we are both married and have kids. we are both well established in our careers and have happy families. so the thought of seeing a MM isnt easy to sink in.

 

Anyway, we used to chat everynight for hours and then after a few months he told me that we shouldnt chat as his wife may not like it. And then we didnt chat untill after a few months later when he sent me a mail to check how I was. When I asked him why he wanted to be in touch again he just said he was sorry about how it ended last time and so he had written to me only to apologise. So after the apology he wanted us to stop chatting again.

 

I dont think it sat very well with me so I kept sending him emails to which he didnt respond untill very recently. And then we chatted again like old times. when I asked him when i would see him online again he said after a few weeks and now I have sent him endless number of mails but he wont respond or come online. I am so confused - when he chats with me he makes me feel like he really likes me and then he vanishes completely.

 

I cant decide whats going on here - can anyone please advise me. I find it impossible to get him out of my head and dont know what to do.

 

Regarding your last line, those type of ongoing feelings for an old flame tend to erode intimacy and romantic energy in one's M, unless you and your H completely share them and are happy with that (I'd call that an open M, which can involve emotional attachments to others without necessarily any physical part). If you haven't discussed all this openly with your H, it can put your M at risk, and at more risk the longer it goes on.

 

I suspect the MM feels his M is important to him and he doesn't want to risk it. As to what to do, if your M is important to you, then you should work to refocus on that, which takes real effort and determination after you are in a state where you can't get OM out of your head. Personally, I would discuss all this, including your feelings, with your H. That will also help you refocus. You may have a less honest and/or intimate relationship with your H and not want to discuss this.

 

If your M is not so important to you, you might seriously consider whether you want to stay married. I would not recommend staying married and trying to entice MM into an A (emotional or otherwise). First, if he doesn't go for it, you'll not only feel rejected but you might feel bad about your behavior more generally, since you are both married. Second, if he goes for it, then you have two families with children being deceived. A volatile situation that could hurt your children.

[schoolmate]

OP, very few men I know, including myself, and I'm pretty apologetic (my exW said I apologized too much), contact a woman only to apologize for something and want nothing else. He wants something, if only to check on your relationship status. He's up to something.

 

Thanks for your response Carhill. I did think he wanted to reinitiate our long distance EA or whatever that one might term it. And when I asked him how things had changed now that he didnt think it was inappropriate for us to chat and what about how his wife would feel etc...I wonder if he felt cornered or anything. As far as I know both of us value our family lives...no marriage is perfect but once there are kids involved one needs to think many times before just getting out of a relationship. Not to say that there is anything wrong with his marriage or mine that would make us end it. For sure I have feelings for him and when we chat, I get a feeling that he also shares the same emotion. However, going silent like this sure leaves me confused.

 

Was he really only trying to apologise and did I read too much into it.

 

I wish I had the answers!

[woinlove]

I couldn't edit my post above, but I meant to say you shouldn't try to entice him further into an A, or you could suffer futher rejection. Clearly, both of these have happened to some extent, EA and rejection. I think he worries more about his W and M, which is why he pulls back. With luck, he will have discussed this with his W and maybe the two of them have set some boundaries. I'd advise the same for you - talk to your H.

[carhill]

OP, I dealt with this dynamic for about 24 years before being able to resolve it in a healthy way, so perhaps my advice isn't what you're looking for here....

 

Beware of regressing from those very healthy words you just expressed into a milieu of past behaviors and emotions if you choose to progress this with him. It doesn't happen in a moment, but rather over time.

 

It's OK to have 'feelings' and 'emotions'. That's being human. It's also human to process those feelings and emotions in a mature and healthy way even if something of self gets sacrificed along the way to 'do the right thing'. 'Want' is high on that list. Sometimes wants must be sacrificed for the greater good.

 

IME, and it is a generality, people in healthy marriages are generally closed to this kind of introspection about feelings for/with a past love. Perhaps that's worth a look. Something in yourself may have triggered the progression of feelings which now impel you to post on this forum....

 

Oh, lastly, welcome to LS

[schoolmate]

Regarding your last line, those type of ongoing feelings for an old flame tend to erode intimacy and romantic energy in one's M, unless you and your H completely share them and are happy with that (I'd call that an open M, which can involve emotional attachments to others without necessarily any physical part). If you haven't discussed all this openly with your H, it can put your M at risk, and at more risk the longer it goes on.

 

I suspect the MM feels his M is important to him and he doesn't want to risk it. As to what to do, if your M is important to you, then you should work to refocus on that, which takes real effort and determination after you are in a state where you can't get OM out of your head. Personally, I would discuss all this, including your feelings, with your H. That will also help you refocus. You may have a less honest and/or intimate relationship with your H and not want to discuss this.

 

If your M is not so important to you, you might seriously consider whether you want to stay married. I would not recommend staying married and trying to entice MM into an A (emotional or otherwise). First, if he doesn't go for it, you'll not only feel rejected but you might feel bad about your behavior more generally, since you are both married. Second, if he goes for it, then you have two families with children being deceived. A volatile situation that could hurt your children.

 

 

Woinlove --- I cant even begin to tell you how many times what you've written has gone through my mind ---- I just cant seem to get him out of my head. I am sure our families are very dear and important to both him and me. There are sure some gaps and thats why we still feel the flame -- cant say for sure about him but I do.

 

We dont want this to affect our relationship and you might be right in saying that this could explain his behaviour. but I feel so rejected now and not even sure if he has no feelings for me. I wish I could think rationally but something in me wont allow me

[schoolmate]

You're all wrapped up in the sting of rejection and him playing the cat and mouse game. Remove yourself. What difference does it make why he's doing what he's doing. So unproductive.

 

He's conflicted, he's married. Why push it? Leave conflicted MM alone.

 

Have you asked yourself why you're doing this? Take the focus off him and put it on you. So much more constructive.

 

Mercy, thanks for your reply ---I cant deny any of what you have said. I think I am very vulnerable right now and him not responding is not helping. I wish he would respond and we could talk this out. Only if all wishes came true............

[mercy]

Mercy, thanks for your reply ---I cant deny any of what you have said. I think I am very vulnerable right now and him not responding is not helping. I wish he would respond and we could talk this out. Only if all wishes came true............

 

You're welcome. So what's going on within you that it matters so much what he does. Focus - you.

[schoolmate]

You're welcome. So what's going on within you that it matters so much what he does. Focus - you.

 

I do want to focus on me and my family - but I cant say with the same confidence that I want to have nothing to do with him. We were the best of friends in school --its been 2 decades and now when we connected again,,,it was just like old times. How can it be that I cant keep a friend who also seems to want to keep in touch.

 

Cant life be any simpler! I do miss him,,,,,wonder how I can get him to respond and we get back to being friends again!

[jwi71]

I do want to focus on me and my family - but I cant say with the same confidence that I want to have nothing to do with him. We were the best of friends in school --its been 2 decades and now when we connected again,,,it was just like old times. How can it be that I cant keep a friend who also seems to want to keep in touch.

 

Cant life be any simpler! I do miss him,,,,,wonder how I can get him to respond and we get back to being friends again!

 

Of course it's simple - YOU'RE making it hard.

If you want to be friends then invite him and his family to dinner.

What's so hard about that?

[woinlove]

Woinlove --- I cant even begin to tell you how many times what you've written has gone through my mind ---- I just cant seem to get him out of my head. I am sure our families are very dear and important to both him and me. There are sure some gaps and thats why we still feel the flame -- cant say for sure about him but I do.

 

We dont want this to affect our relationship and you might be right in saying that this could explain his behaviour. but I feel so rejected now and not even sure if he has no feelings for me. I wish I could think rationally but something in me wont allow me

 

I've been where you are, except that I am in an open M. I didn't want to pursue things (MM was in a closed M) but I was very attracted, obsessed even, and we kept sporadic online contact for a while, which caused a lot of strong emotions, including sometimes feelings of rejection. My H was great, supportive, understanding, appropriately humorous when I acted like a infatuated teen - as I shared all my feelings about MM with my H, not with MM. To this day, I don't know if my feelings were shared by MM and that's perfectly fine with me.

 

I'm sure the dynamic and the fun/angst ratio changes a lot if you don't share everything with your H. More importantly, I think the impact on your M is very different if you keep this a secret.

[schoolmate]

I honestly think its not simple by any stretch of the imagination!

Forgot to mention that I am in UK and he is in the US so the time difference doesnt help either.

 

I do want to get back to being friends with him again......yes the flame will always be there....I cant say for sure about how he feels but I can so clearly feel my emotional dependence on him.

 

Can anyone please advise on how I can get him to respond so we can both move on --- either together or on our own separate paths:confused:

[schoolmate]

I've been where you are, except that I am in an open M. I didn't want to pursue things (MM was in a closed M) but I was very attracted, obsessed even, and we kept sporadic online contact for a while, which caused a lot of strong emotions, including sometimes feelings of rejection. My H was great, supportive, understanding, appropriately humorous when I acted like a infatuated teen - as I shared all my feelings about MM with my H, not with MM. To this day, I don't know if my feelings were shared by MM and that's perfectly fine with me.

 

I'm sure the dynamic and the fun/angst ratio changes a lot if you don't share everything with your H. More importantly, I think the impact on your M is very different if you keep this a secret.

 

 

I dont think I could ever share this with my H - I dont think he will look at it in a mature way and it could really backfire and hurt our M. Past few months or a couple of years really the relationship between my H and me has only been sexual and also always initiated by him --- I dont feel any emotional connection with him and he doesnt seem to care about my emotions at all either. Which could partially be reponsible for why I was so glad to have found this old friend who I connected with right away - and now he has left me all clueless and confused:(

[mercy]

I honestly think its not simple by any stretch of the imagination!

Forgot to mention that I am in UK and he is in the US so the time difference doesnt help either.

 

I do want to get back to being friends with him again......yes the flame will always be there....I cant say for sure about how he feels but I can so clearly feel my emotional dependence on him.

 

Can anyone please advise on how I can get him to respond so we can both move on --- either together or on our own separate paths:confused:

 

It seems from the tone you're a little obsessive about him. Doesn't sound like you're after just friendship and I think he knows this.

 

Don't persist. We can't possibly know what will get him to respond to you.

 

Emotional dependence on him. Really?

[jwi71]

I dont think I could ever share this with my H - I dont think he will look at it in a mature way and it could really backfire and hurt our M. Past few months or a couple of years really the relationship between my H and me has only been sexual and also always initiated by him --- I dont feel any emotional connection with him and he doesnt seem to care about my emotions at all either. Which could partially be reponsible for why I was so glad to have found this old friend who I connected with right away - and now he has left me all clueless and confused:(

 

Sigh.

 

Prior to this, you had posted of happy family and a good M.

 

Now it's emotionless and devoid of real intimacy.

 

Which is it?

[schoolmate]

Sigh.

 

Prior to this, you had posted of happy family and a good M.

 

Now it's emotionless and devoid of real intimacy.

 

Which is it?

 

Well for everyone there couldnt be a happier family than ours....but the gaps do exist. Its possible that there are no solutions to this and I must let life go on,,,,,I was hoping for more....the problem is that I am not sure what I am hoping for. Perhaps, my friend has found an answer to that and has decided to carry on with his life. Only if he wouldnt have confused me by giving me mixed signals.

[woinlove]

Of course it's simple - YOU'RE making it hard.

If you want to be friends then invite him and his family to dinner.

What's so hard about that?

 

I think this might be okay AFTER you discuss your feelings with your H. I would not invite someone over that I had such strong emotional feelings about (can't get him out of your head, feel rejected, etc) while keeping all that secret from my H and pretending to my H it was just a friend coming over. If you really just want to be friends, you first have to get over the non-friend-type feelings you are having now, which can take a long time.

 

In my case, I purposely shifted my feelings by stopping contact and focussing on other things. I did this because after a while I found them too distracting and I wanted to be able to be fully in the moments of all the other good things I was doing. If these feelings aren't working for you (and it sounds like you don't like the fact that you can't get him out of your head) I suggest you do something similar. End all contact and refocus. It really helps.

 

Personally I've never had any success in trying to shift directly from romantic/obsessive feelings to friend-only feelings. But I've found after a long time of NC and refocus, so my obsessive romantic feelings were completely gone (emphasis on completely), eventually I had no problems with friend-only feelings. By that time, though, it didn't really matter much to me whether we were friends or not. That is the irony. When you feel you *have* to have this man as a friend, you still have all these romantic/obsessive feelings that prevent you from being just friends. When they are gone, you no long *have* to be friends.

[woinlove]

I dont think I could ever share this with my H - I dont think he will look at it in a mature way and it could really backfire and hurt our M. Past few months or a couple of years really the relationship between my H and me has only been sexual and also always initiated by him --- I dont feel any emotional connection with him and he doesnt seem to care about my emotions at all either. Which could partially be reponsible for why I was so glad to have found this old friend who I connected with right away - and now he has left me all clueless and confused:(

 

Have you considered MC? If you never initiate sex, your H is probably feeling rejected and undesired which makes it less likely he will be emotionally open with you. Why don't you initiate sex? Seems to me there is lots you could do to improve your M, but instead you have OM on your brain and are obsessing about what he is feeling. Which one is more important to you? If you decide that, you can start focusing on your priority because at the moment, it sounds like you could be in danger of losing both your H and OM.

[schoolmate]

Have you considered MC? If you never initiate sex, your H is probably feeling rejected and undesired which makes it less likely he will be emotionally open with you. Why don't you initiate sex? Seems to me there is lots you could do to improve your M, but instead you have OM on your brain and are obsessing about what he is feeling. Which one is more important to you? If you decide that, you can start focusing on your priority because at the moment, it sounds like you could be in danger of losing both your H and OM.

 

I have sometimes thought about MC but my H seems to believe that we have a perfectly norrmal relationship. And honestly,,I would much rather carry on the way we are now. My H is in a very high profile job that keeps him rather busy and he needs to travel very frequently too.

 

I do need a friend I can relate to and thats what I find in the OM - having known him from school sure gives me an extra layer of comfort.

 

God bless us!

[schoolmate]

I do want to write to him again and ask him to respond so I can talk this out with him and then take it from there. Not sure how I can make him see how I feel and how being connected to him makes me feel.

 

I know some of you will think I am being silly but if anyone can understand it any better and help, I will much appreciate it:confused:.

[jwi71]

Well for everyone there couldnt be a happier family than ours....but the gaps do exist. Its possible that there are no solutions to this and I must let life go on,,,,,I was hoping for more....the problem is that I am not sure what I am hoping for. Perhaps, my friend has found an answer to that and has decided to carry on with his life. Only if he wouldnt have confused me by giving me mixed signals.

 

I can tell you, without doubt, that having an A is NOT going to solve these issues. It will not only not solve them but create new ones as well.

 

Furthermore, you are BOTH responsible and not just him. Stop laying the blame for your emotions on him. He didn't do this to you alone. However, since we cannot address him (he isn't posting here) we can only address YOU. As has been previously stated.

 

Your OM left. Period. Why? Who knows. Who cares. The absence of the OM ISN'T the issue here. The issue is the presence of an OM to begin with.

 

Are you feeling good now?

Is your M any better?

 

So your reliance on the OM (your affair) hasn't really helped.

 

You want an deserve to be in a healthy R. Typically, this is where I ask which man/life do you want. Except that isn't an issue here as the OM went NC - and we can't make him reply.

 

So the decision is: do you want to stay M or get D?