An old school friend

[Furious]

I do want to write to him again and ask him to respond so I can talk this out with him and then take it from there. Not sure how I can make him see how I feel and how being connected to him makes me feel.

 

I know some of you will think I am being silly but if anyone can understand it any better and help, I will much appreciate it:confused:.

 

 

Sorry to say, but it seems he realizes you are in deeper than the mild flirtation he thought it was. You seemed obsessed and it has probably scared him off.

I think he's been nice to you and has gently told you he can't continue this "friendship" because he doesn't want you to be a loose cannon and threaten his marriage.

 

I also don't think you're just looking for friendship, you're fooling yourself when you say this.

[woinlove]

I do want to write to him again and ask him to respond so I can talk this out with him and then take it from there. Not sure how I can make him see how I feel and how being connected to him makes me feel.

 

I know some of you will think I am being silly but if anyone can understand it any better and help, I will much appreciate it:confused:.

 

But you said you've already send endless emails that he has ignored. I don't see how adding to that pile of emails is going to help you. I get that you want to have a secret emotional (at least for now) affair and you want it not to affect what you call your happy marriage. Not possible. Your next choice seems to be to try to maintain a state of denial, convincing yourself it is possible, so that you can still have a secret emotional affair and put your M, including the family life of your children, at risk but not think about that part too much. It is always better to go into such risky ventures with the blinkers removed, so at least you can assess what you are risking, why, and keep re-evaluating.

 

If you MUST send another email to MM, I advise you to be honest with him. You are lying to your H, why lie to MM too? Just tell him that you are obsessed with him, you can't stop thinking about him, you feel emotionally dependent on him, you feel that you need him in your life, and you would like to know his reaction to that. You might get a response to that.

[carhill]

OP, it's pretty easy to use social networking sites to reconnect with old female friends if you're looking for companionship and empathy and all those wonderful things women provide. Your marital intimacy needs and wants are either fulfilled by your spouse or the marital contract needs renegotiation and agreement by both parties to the new terms.

 

In MC (we had a lot of it) I learned how to quantify and describe affairs, both the kind I was having and the inappropriate relationship my wife was having with her job and certain friends and pursuits. It was the focus away from the M which described the affair process (he called it an inappropriate relationship).

 

Everyone has choices. Your husband chooses to be immersed in work and traveling all the time, the same as you make choices regarding your contact with your old schoolmate. If his choices, or yours, are damaging to the M, then they should be addressed within the M. If such are irreconcilable, either write a new contract or end the old one through divorce.

 

The same parameters would apply to your schoolmate, whom also is married. Everything is a choice. Choices have consequences and responsibility.

[scatterd]

It sounds to me like you are infatuated with how the old flame was. Times change and so do people. If you were to pursue this, you would be disappointed in the out come. Good-bye to old pure memories and hello to the new memories of heart ache and regrets. Honestly leave him alone before you wish you had.

[schoolmate]

It sounds to me like you are infatuated with how the old flame was. Times change and so do people. If you were to pursue this, you would be disappointed in the out come. Good-bye to old pure memories and hello to the new memories of heart ache and regrets. Honestly leave him alone before you wish you had.

 

 

Are you saying that its not possible for us to be friends anymore!

[woinlove]

Are you saying that its not possible for us to be friends anymore!

 

Have you ever tried to turn the feelings you are having now into feelings of friends only? I have. It took me about 2 years, with considerable determination and effort. A couple times during the 2 years I thought it had been long enough, but it wasn't. Most people find this extremely difficult. Just read LS and you will read of lots of failed attempts. In fact, it is a fairly typically start to what becomes a full-blown A that might end two marriages.

 

What is your own track record on turning your feelings around from what you feel now to straight friendship? And how long ago was that experience, if you have done it?

[schoolmate]

Have you ever tried to turn the feelings you are having now into feelings of friends only? I have. It took me about 2 years, with considerable determination and effort. A couple times during the 2 years I thought it had been long enough, but it wasn't. Most people find this extremely difficult. Just read LS and you will read of lots of failed attempts. In fact, it is a fairly typically start to what becomes a full-blown A that might end two marriages.

 

What is your own track record on turning your feelings around from what you feel now to straight friendship? And how long ago was that experience, if you have done it?

 

 

I might be completely wrong here in how I am expressing my situation. However, I am sure hurt that I have lost a friend who I thought I could relate to so well. Also, I am confused by mixed signals I have been given by this friend ----and now what does NC mean again ----is he going to decide to show up again and will I go through this same confusion again. I am so not sure how I should manage my feelings. I am sure its partially a feeling of rejection thats playing on my mind somewhere combined with the uncertainty about what is going on in his mind.

 

I have kids and I should be able to focus all my energy there an on my M but instead here I am missing a friend ( you might call him more than a friend --- I am not quite sure how I would qualify that in my mind).

Also, as you said in your last post - I should at least be honest with the OM -- but honestly I dont want to seem silly. I dont even know how he feels about me.

[jwi71]

Just to be clear - he is NOT your friend.

He is your affair partner - and that precludes friendship.

 

Perhaps you could ask his W(ife)why he went silent?

[schoolmate]

Just to be clear - he is NOT your friend.

He is your affair partner - and that precludes friendship.

 

Perhaps you could ask his W(ife)why he went silent?

 

Yes I think I should ask his W why he went silent?

 

Well we were friends in school ---- lost touch connected again after almost 20yrs and found the same bond again....does that qualify as being an affair?

[woinlove]

I might be completely wrong here in how I am expressing my situation. However, I am sure hurt that I have lost a friend who I thought I could relate to so well. Also, I am confused by mixed signals I have been given by this friend ----and now what does NC mean again ----is he going to decide to show up again and will I go through this same confusion again. I am so not sure how I should manage my feelings. I am sure its partially a feeling of rejection thats playing on my mind somewhere combined with the uncertainty about what is going on in his mind.

 

I have kids and I should be able to focus all my energy there an on my M but instead here I am missing a friend ( you might call him more than a friend --- I am not quite sure how I would qualify that in my mind).

Also, as you said in your last post - I should at least be honest with the OM -- but honestly I dont want to seem silly. I dont even know how he feels about me.

 

What you are feeling is normal for someone who is infatuated with someone and has held them often and long enough in their head to become obsessed with them. What you are feeling didn't suddenly land on you. Those feelings are the outcome of you having fed this infatuation through thought and action (all the chats and sent emails). You fed it and now it is seems to be controlling you, because you did not control it at an earlier stage.

 

Believe me, you are not feeling this because he is a friend. You like to think of him as a friend because you are both married to other people.

 

I think it will help you a lot to just admit to yourself you are obsessed with him as a romantic interest, an infatuation, a crush, whatever words you use to call a man who you want to spill your heart and guts out to, want to know his thoughts, you can't stop thinking about him and would be floating on cloud 9 (maybe with a bit of fear too, but the excitement would be overwhelming) if he suddenly sent you an email saying you are his soulmate and he's never felt the connection he has with you and he only stopped responding because he doesn't know what to do with all those intense, wonderful feelings. Be honest here. How much of this are you feeling?

[schoolmate]

What you are feeling is normal for someone who is infatuated with someone and has held them often and long enough in their head to become obsessed with them. What you are feeling didn't suddenly land on you. Those feelings are the outcome of you having fed this infatuation through thought and action (all the chats and sent emails). You fed it and now it is seems to be controlling you, because you did not control it at an earlier stage.

 

Believe me, you are not feeling this because he is a friend. You like to think of him as a friend because you are both married to other people.

 

I think it will help you a lot to just admit to yourself you are obsessed with him as a romantic interest, an infatuation, a crush, whatever words you use to call a man who you want to spill your heart and guts out to, want to know his thoughts, you can't stop thinking about him and would be floating on cloud 9 (maybe with a bit of fear too, but the excitement would be overwhelming) if he suddenly sent you an email saying you are his soulmate and he's never felt the connection he has with you and he only stopped responding because he doesn't know what to do with all those intense, wonderful feelings. Be honest here. How much of this are you feeling?

 

 

Quite honestly,,when we used to chat every night last year I was beginning to get scared that he would come out with something like that and how I hoped and wished he wouldnt. The reason - it would have complicated things and we would have had to end this connection.

 

We sure had a crush on one another in school and that too went unconfessed-- although all our friends could see it and some of them mention it even now. You are right in saying that I prefer to think of him as a friend since we are both married. However, it doesnt help me sort my head out or to progress this in either direction. To be honest, his silence i killing me and driving me insane!

[scatterd]

Are you saying that its not possible for us to be friends anymore!

 

Schoolmate

I think you are expecting more then friends from what I read. I have seen so many of these kind of relationships turn into full blown affairs. Most of them end up bad in the end. I am not the only one here that has seen that. If he was just a friend this would not bother you so bad.

You would not have come here for advice. This friend does not want to go there. He is writing off and on then backing out. Maybe his wife does not approve. Have you asked your husband if he does? If you want to be his friend then be a friend to him and his family. You are getting good advice here.

[woinlove]

Quite honestly,,when we used to chat every night last year I was beginning to get scared that he would come out with something like that and how I hoped and wished he wouldnt. The reason - it would have complicated things and we would have had to end this connection.

 

We sure had a crush on one another in school and that too went unconfessed-- although all our friends could see it and some of them mention it even now. You are right in saying that I prefer to think of him as a friend since we are both married. However, it doesnt help me sort my head out or to progress this in either direction. To be honest, his silence i killing me and driving me insane!

 

You keep saying you are confused and can't sort this out. First, you have to acknowledge reality. This is not a friend. This is a love-interest. Besides the fact that you chose to post on the OW/OM forum, I've gathered together some of your statements, to try to help you see reality:

 

I found an old school crush

finding each other now rekindled the same old flame - at least for me

the thought of seeing a MM isnt easy to sink in.

I find it impossible to get him out of my head

For sure I have feelings for him

I just cant seem to get him out of my head

There are sure some gaps and thats why we still feel the flame

I feel so rejected

I wish I could think rationally but something in me wont allow me

I am very vulnerable right now

Only if all wishes came true.

I do miss him

yes the flame will always be there

I can so clearly feel my emotional dependence on him

the problem is that I am not sure what I am hoping for

Not sure how I can make him see how I feel and how being connected to him makes me feel.

I am so not sure how I should manage my feelings

 

Once you acknowledge reality, you can then start dealing with reality.

 

Read the above and think of some of the girlfriends you have or have had. Do you go on like this about them too? Can we agree that MM is not a friend but an affair partner? IF so, then we can discuss strategies.

Edited August 22, 2012 by woinlove

[schoolmate]

You keep saying you are confused and can't sort this out. First, you have to acknowledge reality. This is not a friend. This is a love-interest. Besides the fact that you chose to post on the OW/OM forum, I've gathered together some of your statements, to try to help you see reality:

 

 

 

Once you acknowledge reality, you can then start dealing with reality.

 

Read the above and think of some of the girlfriends you have or have had. Do you go on like this about them too? Can we agree that MM is not a friend but an affair partner? IF so, then we can discuss strategies.

 

Woinlove -- cant argue this at all! I have to say I never would have looked at it myself so clearly. So I clearly have feelings for him and lets say my school time crush lives on. Does that help us in anyway - I dont know what the OM thinks also it makes me realise how I depend on him emotionally. Now clearly with all the good advice I have had on LS - it seems sinful for me to do that. What can I do to get over this and get back to my family and my H.

 

I am still thinking about why he wont respond ---- how do I get him out of my head!!

[woinlove]

Woinlove -- cant argue this at all! I have to say I never would have looked at it myself so clearly. So I clearly have feelings for him and lets say my school time crush lives on. Does that help us in anyway - I dont know what the OM thinks also it makes me realise how I depend on him emotionally. Now clearly with all the good advice I have had on LS - it seems sinful for me to do that. What can I do to get over this and get back to my family and my H.

 

I am still thinking about why he wont respond ---- how do I get him out of my head!!

 

Good, you recognize that you do have a crush, infatuation, obsession, or whatever words you think best fit.

 

So, now, you need to recognize that you really have two paths ahead of you and it is up to you which you choose.

 

Path 1A: continue with the A, knowing this could lead to the end of your M.

Path 1B. If you want to choose path 1A, I'd suggest separating and filing for divorce instead. This will be a more respectful end to your M than choosing 1A.

Path 2: end the A, and refocus on your H and your family.

 

It sounds like you want to pick path 2. But do you REALLY want to pick path 2? If so, you need to end the A. That means you do NOT contact MM. If he contacts you again, a simple response saying you need to focus on your M now and no contact (NC) is best. That's it. If you think it will help you, you can send him the brief NC email now and then that's it. The A will not end with continuing contact with MM.

 

Then you have to recognize that it hurts to not have contact because you were getting some emotional needs, perhaps some fantasies, fulfilled by MM's contact. You have to give that up. I know you don't want to, but read path 1 and 2 again. These are your two choices. If you don't give those up, you are on path 1. Try to figure out what those needs were and how you can fill them without MM. Counselling may help.

 

Say to yourself, today is the end of my one year A with MM. That's it. It's over. You will grieve, you will hurt, there is no way around that. Ending an A where you are emotionally invested hurts and it hurts for a while. Get ready for the rollercoaster. You might feel it is getting better, and then it gets worse again. It is not easy. When you think of MM you need to remind yourself that you are on path 2 and thinking about him is pulling you onto path 1. Try to shift your focus. It helps to try to fill your days with meaningful things, like activities with your children and H, your own fitness, hobbies, friends, family, etc. Even if they seem a bit bland, because you are missing MM, do things you would have otherwise enjoyed, and sometime in the future you will notice you are enjoying them again.

 

Personally, I would confide in my H. I can't imagine keeping this type of thing secret. Seems like you are going to try to go that route. That is unknown terrain to me. Maybe others can advice on that part.

 

If you are ready to step onto path 2 now, I wish you the very best of luck. If you choose to stay on path 1, please give serious consideration to 1B.

 

ETA: unless you want to leave your H, it does not matter at all what MM feels. Wondering what he feels is not part of path 2.

Edited August 22, 2012 by woinlove

[schoolmate]

Good, you recognize that you do have a crush, infatuation, obsession, or whatever words you think best fit.

 

So, now, you need to recognize that you really have two paths ahead of you and it is up to you which you choose.

 

Path 1A: continue with the A, knowing this could lead to the end of your M.

Path 1B. If you want to choose path 1A, I'd suggest separating and filing for divorce instead. This will be a more respectful end to your M than choosing 1A.

Path 2: end the A, and refocus on your H and your family.

 

It sounds like you want to pick path 2. But do you REALLY want to pick path 2? If so, you need to end the A. That means you do NOT contact MM. If he contacts you again, a simple response saying you need to focus on your M now and no contact (NC) is best. That's it. If you think it will help you, you can send him the brief NC email now and then that's it. The A will not end with continuing contact with MM.

 

Then you have to recognize that it hurts to not have contact because you were getting some emotional needs, perhaps some fantasies, fulfilled by MM's contact. You have to give that up. I know you don't want to, but read path 1 and 2 again. These are your two choices. If you don't give those up, you are on path 1. Try to figure out what those needs were and how you can fill them without MM. Counselling may help.

 

Say to yourself, today is the end of my one year A with MM. That's it. It's over. You will grieve, you will hurt, there is no way around that. Ending an A where you are emotionally invested hurts and it hurts for a while. Get ready for the rollercoaster. You might feel it is getting better, and then it gets worse again. It is not easy. When you think of MM you need to remind yourself that you are on path 2 and thinking about him is pulling you onto path 1. Try to shift your focus. It helps to try to fill your days with meaningful things, like activities with your children and H, your own fitness, hobbies, friends, family, etc. Even if they seem a bit bland, because you are missing MM, do things you would have otherwise enjoyed, and sometime in the future you will notice you are enjoying them again.

 

Personally, I would confide in my H. I can't imagine keeping this type of thing secret. Seems like you are going to try to go that route. That is unknown terrain to me. Maybe others can advice on that part.

 

If you are ready to step onto path 2 now, I wish you the very best of luck. If you choose to stay on path 1, please give serious consideration to 1B.

 

ETA: unless you want to leave your H, it does not matter at all what MM feels. Wondering what he feels is not part of path 2.

 

 

Thanks again for your very kind and thoughtful advice. I so want to go with path 2 and I cant even think of path 1 at all ---- but I dont want MM out of my life....I am feeling like a loser

[ThatJustHappened]

If he's 'just a friend', then why are you posting this in the affair section of this site? Seems to me like you already know this is an affair and not just a friendship...

[woinlove]

Thanks again for your very kind and thoughtful advice. I so want to go with path 2 and I cant even think of path 1 at all ---- but I dont want MM out of my life....I am feeling like a loser

 

I understand the bolded, but I hope you understand it puts you on path 1. You still think you can have your AP in your life and choose your M. You can't. You can go along like that, eroding your M further. But you should at least realize the risk you are taking. You don't have to consciously think you are on path 1, it is sufficient to make decisions and give free reign to thoughts which keep you on path 1. The choice is yours. Maybe you need to feel even more insane and unhappy or see that your M is really on the rocks and might not be salvageable to decide, okay, you actually don't want MM in your life anymore because it costs too much. I'm trying to get you to see that you don't actually have to go insane or lose your marriage to get to that point. But, it's up to you.

[woinlove]

Since you have children, one thing that might help is the next time you are spending some time with your children and MM wanders into your thoughts, ask yourself if this is what your really want - keeping the fantasy, the connection to MM alive - or if you would rather be fully present with your children and feeling at peace in the life you and your H share with them. You sound sufficiently obsessed** that I imagine it is difficult to keep MM out of your thoughts even during kid-time. That's not a fun place to be and I suspect you will look back on it one day and regret it.

 

**as to being so obsessed, don't worry, lots of people get that way if they allow themselves to, it doesn't have to be a permanent state. But it does take a determined decision and commitment to get out of it.

[schoolmate]

Since you have children, one thing that might help is the next time you are spending some time with your children and MM wanders into your thoughts, ask yourself if this is what your really want - keeping the fantasy, the connection to MM alive - or if you would rather be fully present with your children and feeling at peace in the life you and your H share with them. You sound sufficiently obsessed** that I imagine it is difficult to keep MM out of your thoughts even during kid-time. That's not a fun place to be and I suspect you will look back on it one day and regret it.

 

**as to being so obsessed, don't worry, lots of people get that way if they allow themselves to, it doesn't have to be a permanent state. But it does take a determined decision and commitment to get out of it.

 

I am able to see what you are suggesting --- my problem is being able to follow it. I have sent MM a couple of mails already asking him to come online so we can chat and if we were to end it then end it properly. I dont know where this puts me --- I cant have both I know but I dont know how to get myself to accept that.

[woinlove]

I am able to see what you are suggesting --- my problem is being able to follow it. I have sent MM a couple of mails already asking him to come online so we can chat and if we were to end it then end it properly. I dont know where this puts me --- I cant have both I know but I dont know how to get myself to accept that.

 

There is nothing the two of you can say that will make this easy. The proper ending resides inside you. You have to give yourself the ending by deciding you want it to end and then following through with your thoughts and actions to make it end. Why do you want it to end? Well, are you happy? Do you feel like you are really there and enjoying your children? Enjoying your H? Doesn't sound like you are happy. And if you continue on path 1, I'd say there is a about a 98% chance you will get a lot unhappier.

[schoolmate]

There is nothing the two of you can say that will make this easy. The proper ending resides inside you. You have to give yourself the ending by deciding you want it to end and then following through with your thoughts and actions to make it end. Why do you want it to end? Well, are you happy? Do you feel like you are really there and enjoying your children? Enjoying your H? Doesn't sound like you are happy. And if you continue on path 1, I'd say there is a about a 98% chance you will get a lot unhappier.

 

I am with you on that and I am sure I will get the energy and the motivation to deal with this in due course of time. My kids and my H are sure a big motivation.

 

I do want to thank you again for your time and good advice.

 

Cheers

[woinlove]

I am with you on that and I am sure I will get the energy and the motivation to deal with this in due course of time. My kids and my H are sure a big motivation.

 

I do want to thank you again for your time and good advice.

 

Cheers

 

You're welcome and good luck.

[schoolmate]

Me being me did end up calling the guy to ask why he wont respond to my mails and all he had to say was that he didnt want to. And we left it at that....I dont have words to describe how that made me feel....I must have cried all night. And quite honestly still struggling to accept it and come to terms with it.

 

Will really appreciate feedback from someone who's been in my situation and how they dealt with letting go of MM and went back to focusing on their kids and H.

 

Also wanted to thank all of you for some really good advice - that is what I really needed!

[scatterd]

I am not the Ow but as you know time heals all.I am also not surprised you called, it sounds like he didn't want what you did. Now that you know that you can move on.

Stay busy do things,you enjoy even if you do not feel like it and focus on things like your family. You will have ups and downs but after a while it will get easier. Keep posting here for support people here are kind and knowledgeable.