Author schoolmate Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yes I do have a lot of time on my hands since I quit a full time job and I get that enough from my H---- didnt share my concern at LS to be mocked! I do thank all of you who have given me very useful advice - may I request anyone who cant give any constructive advice to please not make any damaging contributions.... I need help not mockery Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yes I do have a lot of time on my hands since I quit a full time job and I get that enough from my H---- didnt share my concern at LS to be mocked! I do thank all of you who have given me very useful advice - may I request anyone who cant give any constructive advice to please not make any damaging contributions.... I need help not mockery So I touched a nerve because your h criticizes you. I'm sorry. I wasn't criticizing you nor was I mocking you. I wondered why you took it so personal. I read your replies and I posted my opinion. What help do you need? You've gotten six pages of wonderful advice from some really great women. What more do you need? Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 So I touched a nerve because your h criticizes you. I'm sorry. I wasn't criticizing you nor was I mocking you. I wondered why you took it so personal. I read your replies and I posted my opinion. What help do you need? You've gotten six pages of wonderful advice from some really great women. What more do you need? I do appreciate everyone's advice here including yours --- I do realise this is for me to work on. MM is not here, H doesnt know and I may never get my answers. Is it the result of rejection thats making me feel all stressed out - perhaps and is there any advice anyone can give me to manage that aspect!!!! I dont think IC/ MC is really an option for me -- but I am happy to use any other resources - books/ websites etc. Thanks again all of you - you sure are a bunch of very helpful and wise people! Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I do appreciate everyone's advice here including yours --- I do realise this is for me to work on. MM is not here, H doesnt know and I may never get my answers. Is it the result of rejection thats making me feel all stressed out - perhaps and is there any advice anyone can give me to manage that aspect!!!! I dont think IC/ MC is really an option for me -- but I am happy to use any other resources - books/ websites etc. Thanks again all of you - you sure are a bunch of very helpful and wise people! Get answers to what? MM already told you he wanted to end the contact because his wife wouldn't like it. You already asked him about not wanting to speak to you and he said "because I don't want to". How many in-your-face comments/behaviors do you need to understand that he DOESN'T WANT TO RISK HIS MARRIAGE with some old friend from school, from 20 years ago. You may be bored, and you were the one looking up old friends online, he being one of them. You reconnected, chatted for awhile, and this guy decided he didn't want any more to do with you as he didn't want to cause trouble in his marriage. What "answers" are you looking for? THAT is the answer. He doesn't want to upset his wife, he's not leaving his wife for you, all you did was reconnect like millions of other people on facebook - there is no long lost romance happening here, you are living in some disconnected fantasy world. This guy has given you the answers. Now, you need to go find a hobby that doesn't involve making up relationships in your head and going off and intruding on other peoples' lives with constant texting, calling, and emailing. You have acquired a deep, unhealthy obsession here - quite frankly, I don't know why this guy hasn't blocked & deleted you from his life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) You have made me think and think like I have never thought before --- and to my surprise - I do think I thought of him as more than a friend and that explains why I am so bothered by his indifference. I have also been able to recognise that the problem may not be with my M or my having an EA with the MM. I think it is the rejection and an unexplained one that is bothering me so much and I just cant handle it and its making me go insane so I am forced to keep writing to him, calling him and texting him. I am not sure if its natural or I am over-reacting. If I was the one who had called it off I dont think I will be going through this phase. Also, there are things about this MM that I like but there are some that I dont so you are right I am having an EA with a fantasy ---imagining him to have only look at the positives and imagining his to only have what I would look for in a perfect man! I am so away from reality!!! THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^ This is your problem right here - you are "forced" to keep writing, .... You are induging in very unhealthy behavior. Edited August 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I do appreciate everyone's advice here including yours --- I do realise this is for me to work on. MM is not here, H doesnt know and I may never get my answers. Is it the result of rejection thats making me feel all stressed out - perhaps and is there any advice anyone can give me to manage that aspect!!!! You are disrespecting your husband, and we are to give you advice on how to manage rejection from another man? Really? You want a good way to manage being turned away from someone other than your husband? I say this with all seriousness, then tell your husband. Once you are faced with him holding your feet to the fire and risk losing your "happy family", then maybe you will snap out of this schoolgirl giddy crush phase you are in. Until you have to face the music, you are going to sit there and fantasize about this buy and get all depressed wondering why he is pushing you away, blah blah blah. Talk to your husband about what you've been doing. That will give you the smack upside the head you need, metaphorically speaking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted August 29, 2012 Author Share Posted August 29, 2012 Coming back to thank all of you who gave some kind and some not so 'kind' advice - it was what I needed to hear even though some of it seemed in the face. Anyway,,,the update is that I think sharing all of my emotional burden here has helped me a lot.....I do seem to be mostly over the MM -- good for me and I guess good for our families. I am surely feeling quite low,,,am trying to engage in a lot of activities with my kids, spending quality time with H - enjoyed sex after a loooooooooooong time! I have to say the thought of MM keep coming back and I do feel mad at myself for not seeing what he was trying to say/ do. But all in all I think I am moving forward.....not easy by any stretch of the imagination,,,neither am I expecting it to be. If any of you have been here and can share some of the things that helped you move on and more importantly get over the MM completely - please do share! Thanks again people --- all of you mean well! Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Good for you! No sarcasm, I mean it. You should be proud of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 29, 2012 Share Posted August 29, 2012 Coming back to thank all of you who gave some kind and some not so 'kind' advice - it was what I needed to hear even though some of it seemed in the face. Anyway,,,the update is that I think sharing all of my emotional burden here has helped me a lot.....I do seem to be mostly over the MM -- good for me and I guess good for our families. I am surely feeling quite low,,,am trying to engage in a lot of activities with my kids, spending quality time with H - enjoyed sex after a loooooooooooong time! I have to say the thought of MM keep coming back and I do feel mad at myself for not seeing what he was trying to say/ do. But all in all I think I am moving forward.....not easy by any stretch of the imagination,,,neither am I expecting it to be. If any of you have been here and can share some of the things that helped you move on and more importantly get over the MM completely - please do share! Thanks again people --- all of you mean well! Good for you, sounds like you are trying to do what you can to hold your family closer in your thoughts. There really is no special formula, but a determination to focus on your family and to leave thoughts of MM behind, is most important. If that determination wavers, acknowledge it as a setback, and recommit again. Expect up and downs but know that every thought and action taken to focusing on your family and on your life without MM is a positive whose benefits will accumulate, even it is not always in a linear fashion. Also, good for you for being able to take in all the feedback and know that others mean well here. That shows an unusually open mind for someone still caught up in the emotions/chemicals of an A. Often it is only later than one gets to to that stage. The fact that you don't need people only saying what you want to hear right now tells me you are ready to start moving on, making better decisions in your life. Good for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted September 5, 2012 Author Share Posted September 5, 2012 Its been almost 2 weeks and I have NC the MM - I ended it with a rude text saying he cant treat a friend like this and some other rude stuff. I thought I was over MM - I was mad at him, then at myself and I have started refocusing on whats really important - my H & kids. But since yesterday I am missing MM loads and hurting so much again....so wanted to write to him but somehow managed not to.....I have to say I miss him and it hurts:o:( Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 It takes time to get over someone. You're not over it. It's okay to miss him and what you two shared..Just don't ever reach out and email, text or call him. It's over and as painful as that was to end it, you did the right thing! As time goes on the pain will be less and you'll feel better. As some say, no new hurts if you stay in NC mode! Stay strong and keep busy. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Its been almost 2 weeks and I have NC the MM - I ended it with a rude text saying he cant treat a friend like this and some other rude stuff. He can't treat a "friend" like that? This coming from someone who doesn't know how to treat and respect her husband? I'm sorry, but you have no basis to complain about how some other guy is treating you since you are cheating/have cheated on your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 He can't treat a "friend" like that? This coming from someone who doesn't know how to treat and respect her husband? I'm sorry, but you have no basis to complain about how some other guy is treating you since you are cheating/have cheated on your husband. Hi there, I can understand what you are saying - and possibly being a man you want to see things as a man would see it.....can I blame you ---possibly not!! My post that you responded to wasnt around or inviting a discussion on who is or was in the wrong....so may be you missed the point....dont we always only see what we want to see!! ;) Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Hi there, I can understand what you are saying - and possibly being a man you want to see things as a man would see it.....can I blame you ---possibly not!! My post that you responded to wasnt around or inviting a discussion on who is or was in the wrong....so may be you missed the point....dont we always only see what we want to see!! ;) So what was your point of posting that you think he treated you badly in light of your horrible treatment of your H? My point was, its blatant hypocrisy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 So what was your point of posting that you think he treated you badly in light of your horrible treatment of your H? My point was, its blatant hypocrisy. Dont mean to offend you but I was not posting to get responses telling me who was in the wrong and what I have done wrong. I was sharing that the end of EA is hurting me and I was looking for support to get through it.... Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 Dont mean to offend you but I was not posting to get responses telling me who was in the wrong and what I have done wrong. I was sharing that the end of EA is hurting me and I was looking for support to get through it.... I'm sorry you are hurting, but that isn't your husband's problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted December 6, 2012 Author Share Posted December 6, 2012 People, I have treid to follow your advice except counselling since iI dont think I can do it outside of my H knowledge and I dont thin khe will ever approve of it. I have to say I had some success getting the OMM out my head...but no its not gone yet. As soon as I am on my own, and by that I mean when I am done doing the chores and things that I must do, I cant stop thinking about him. I have even written to him to ask if Sandy affected them, he replied saying no and a formal thank you. Wished him on his b'day and he replied - again formal. I did send him another mail recently asking him to let bygones be bygones and we be friends again -- obviously - he hasnt responded. I do think he might have feelings for him but wont do anything to hurt his M. And here I am in a very similar situation -- dont want to do anything to hurt my M - but I cant get this MM out of my head and it is just consuming me completely. Even though I have always maintained and honestly believed that we just want to be friends, I had a rather intimate dream about him and since then it is impossible for me to focus on anything else. Is there anything I can do please to get him out of my head. I dont feel interested in anything else ---- cant imagine what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 I just read this whole thread and I really do think you need counselling. The MM likely thinks you are nuts by this point. He will probably think twice about ever getting involved with a female "friend" like you ever again. He doesn't have feelings for you. Nothing in the way he has behaved or responded to you speaks to any hidden feelings for you. When you two were chatting it up online he may have developed friendship feelings for you but you destroyed even that when you wouldn't back off and respect his wishes. Get it into your head that this fantasy is OVER and get back to real life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author schoolmate Posted December 12, 2012 Author Share Posted December 12, 2012 I had never ever in my dreams thought this would be me and it has taken me quite long to be able to see what all of you seems to have understood very very quickly. I do realise this is not right and the MM is probably not even interested in keeping the communication going on leave alone the relationship. Why on earth does he respond to my mails sometimes then? If I could ask him I would but I dont have te luxury. And I am going to take the bitter pill and end the EA in my heart. I have to learn to accept that its over ---- it probably wasnt there in the first place. Ever since I have decided to do this I am consciously trying to keep myself happy, enjoying my kids more - I look forward to having sex with my H now. But I have to admit as soon as I am alone I hurt so much. And with my H traveling 2-3days a week I find myself all lonely esp when I have put kids to bed. There's absolutely nothing to do then and thats when being lonely hurts the most and yes I do still miss the MM - but I guess its something thats beyond me at least for now so hurt I will. As I have said many times earlier - counselling or therapy is not an option for me really so if there's anything else that can help me through the pain - please do let me know. As a result of the EA I have obviously found myself cutting out most of my men friends esp the ones from school. Thanks again to all of you for the kind and not so kind advice --all of it has made me realise what I was clearly missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts