An old school friend

[jwi71]

OP,

 

You have your answer: he didn't want to.

 

My sense is he realized that this communication was inappropriate and a threat to his life, his W and his family. Actually, I believe you posted he actually told you this.

 

You clearly are far more invested in your "one sided A" than he ever was - or is now.

 

Frankly, given the volume of emails you have sent (per you) and your own inability to recognize this as an A (and further that your repeated contacts were unwanted) - I don't blame him.

 

He went NC. Self-imposed.

 

Stop obsessing.

 

I strongly recommend IC to help with your current emotional state and the factors leading you down this path to begin with.

[schoolmate]

OP:

 

Several things come to mind. Some people fall madly in love over Internet affairs. I never understood that but it seems to work well with former high school classmates. It seems all of us have a person that we loved or wanted to love in high school. Reconnecting many years later makes you feel like a teenager once again and the sensation is addictive.

 

Once you enter that state of addiction you need to justify your actions and most folks re-write the marital history. The good things about the marriage become invisible and there is enormous emphasis on the negative. Sometimes a positive is turn into a negative.

 

Many years ago my ex-wife had an overseas EA Internet affair too. I discovered it and read all the emails.

 

The marriage was in good shape. As per our marriage counselor I was an extremely good husband, a 9 out of 10. In one email my wife told the OM that I had her on a pedestal. OM promptly stated that it was cruel from my part to put so much pressure on her. So my admiration to my wife was promptly turned into a negative. How could I do that to her???

 

I would have reconciled with my wife, but she made the mistake to see OM in person and it got physical. IN the end it turns out OM was unemployed, bald, short, and fat. I was still athletic and have all my hair. My wife begged to me on her knees once she realized her mistake.

 

You are lucky. You may be able to stop this before there is any harm. You are in love with a concept and not a person.

 

 

BTW, it is clear there was a d-day in the home of your OM. It is also clear you are a person that requires excessive external validation. Seek therapy.

 

Pierre, I cant deny any of what you have said - I have always been a very self assured person but this recent incident with my ex-classmate. I was so convinced that he was equally glad to be in touch with me as I was and we did get along really well even though it had been almost 20years since we lost contact.

 

Also could you please elaborate on what you mean by 'BTW, it is clear there was a d-day in the home of your OM'.

 

Do you really think I need therapy - is it because I posted here to get my answers.

[scatterd]

He is telling you that the school mate you was talking to was discovered by his wife. His wife probably told him this is not healthy for their M. there fore he is not going to continue chatting with you.

[schoolmate]

In other words OM would rather keep his wife and marriage than to continue the Internet EA.

 

 

And what happens to me,,,I still feel the need to be connected to him while he has chosen to call it quits for whatever reasons.

 

To get a man's perspective - do you think he would have in the first place started an EA because he was attracted to me. Also, when he said he didnt respond to my emails - do you think he meant he wanted to end our connection or is it still on. I am sure you can tell that I am very confused.

[carhill]

To get a man's perspective - do you think he would have in the first place started an EA because he was attracted to me.

 

Combination of attraction and ego boost, IMO. Given your history, there are old images and emotional memories fixed into his mind, in addition to the emotional/sexual response to your apparent or expressed interest in him. He liked that you were giving him attention. He probably still likes it but the consequences at home have overruled continuing. I saw this a lot with MW's. Women's psyches seem to work a bit different as to specifics, but there are general commonalities, outlined above, situational attraction and ego boost being at the top of my list.

 

IME, and I've been a MM, the longer you focus on this, the longer it will take to recover from it emotionally, presuming you intend or desire to recover your M and your focus on it. Good luck.

[schoolmate]

For some reason a lot of people in affairs want to be loved. Can you explain that to me?

 

As for why he does not talk to you:

 

1. He realized the Internet affair is madness.

2. His wife discovered the emails and he wants to stay married.

 

 

As for love:

 

Most OWs that want to be loved rationalize in this manner:

 

"He loves me but the wife has him under strict 24/7 surveillance and he cannot express his feelings to me".

 

"He stays married because of financial issues, but I am the love of his life."

 

"He has to sacrifice our love for his children."

 

etc, etc

 

Pick the option that makes you feel better.

 

 

However, there is also the possibility he is not into you. Maybe he feels bad about betraying his wife.

 

How come you don't feel bad about betraying your husband?

 

 

Is it really betrayal if you have a friend - I cant think of a better word to describe it --the closest it gets to is possibly a EA. Now, there must be a reason that 2 married people find a person they relate to better than how they relate to their spouses. And to be honest, its not always easy or even possible to get your spouse to build a similar emotional connection with you. So what are the options --- let go of the EA or continue with you H knowing thats the only way to keep your M.

 

And if he had a gap in his R with his Wife then how is it that he is able to agree to move on and I am not able to.

 

Irrational - I know thats all I am being!

[scatterd]

You say you are friend but your emotions go deeper then that. Did you talk anymore then friends? He is invested into marriage and doing what is best. Did he ever give you reason to think something?

[sad puppy]

He picked his wife and marriage over you, that's extremely clear. Now, you need to decide if you want to stay married or not. I think you're doing your husband a great disservice by only staying with him because your affair didn't work out. That's very unkind. I suspect you've never been on your own and are one of these women that cannot operate unless she has a man. I think IC is going to be very helpful to you so you can sort out your obsession with the old school mate and determine if you should continue in your marriage. You must take steps to let go of the affair obsession, a therapist will help you.

[nofool4u]

I cant decide whats going on here - can anyone please advise me.

 

It doesn't matter what is "going on" or what this OM is thinking, or even that you can't get him out of your head. That is your problem and shouldn't be your husband's problem.

 

YOU ARE MARRIED and with a "happy family". I say this will all sincerity, snap out of it and GROW UP. Honor your husband and children.

[woinlove]

Is it really betrayal if you have a friend - I cant think of a better word to describe it --the closest it gets to is possibly a EA. Now, there must be a reason that 2 married people find a person they relate to better than how they relate to their spouses. And to be honest, its not always easy or even possible to get your spouse to build a similar emotional connection with you. So what are the options --- let go of the EA or continue with you H knowing thats the only way to keep your M.

 

And if he had a gap in his R with his Wife then how is it that he is able to agree to move on and I am not able to.

 

Irrational - I know thats all I am being!

 

 

It is clear to me that you are checked out of your M with your obsession over MM. To be happy with your M you have to be actively engaged in it, putting emotional energy into it. If you starting putting more emotional energy into your M, likely you would enjoy it a lot more.

 

Do you understand why you don't initiate sex with your H? That fact alone is likely going to erode your M over the years. I would not stay in an M where my spouse never initiated sex.

[schoolmate]

It is clear to me that you are checked out of your M with your obsession over MM. To be happy with your M you have to be actively engaged in it, putting emotional energy into it. If you starting putting more emotional energy into your M, likely you would enjoy it a lot more.

 

Do you understand why you don't initiate sex with your H? That fact alone is likely going to erode your M over the years. I would not stay in an M where my spouse never initiated sex.

 

I do see where you are coming from but this didnt start after I came in contact with MM. He just helped me get the friend that I was missing in my H. I am not someone who would even consider ending my M - and not for some financial security or because I have never been on my own--- I can take care of all that. The only thing that worries me is that the reason I wouldnt consider ending my M is our kids and saving them the disruption that comes with a divorce. And I am not unhappy with my husband either ---- all I dont get from him is an emotional connection and I dont see it happening since he is so busy in his work.

 

The MM happened to me -- I was not actively seeking to have an EA. I do feel upset that MM will decide to walk away without feeling the need to tell me why.

 

LIFE I GUESS!!!

[scatterd]

Do you have any female friends? Also have you talked to your husband about how you feel. It sounds like you are lonely in your marriage.

[scatterd]

I understand a little more I found your other post. This MM is filling in a void for you that you need from your husband.This is all the more reason to not talk to MM the school mate. I would try to go to counceling by your self and then ask husband to join you. The school mate probably knew you was having issues. He put a stop to this so it gos no futher then friends. Now that he is out of the picture you need to focus on your relationship with husband.

[woinlove]

I do see where you are coming from but this didnt start after I came in contact with MM. He just helped me get the friend that I was missing in my H. I am not someone who would even consider ending my M - and not for some financial security or because I have never been on my own--- I can take care of all that. The only thing that worries me is that the reason I wouldnt consider ending my M is our kids and saving them the disruption that comes with a divorce. And I am not unhappy with my husband either ---- all I dont get from him is an emotional connection and I dont see it happening since he is so busy in his work.

 

The MM happened to me -- I was not actively seeking to have an EA. I do feel upset that MM will decide to walk away without feeling the need to tell me why.

 

LIFE I GUESS!!!

 

MM don't just happen to OW/MW. You said yourself that you found him on a old school website. You have not admitted to yourself the active decisions and choices you made along the way. Maybe counselling will help you connect better to yourself.

 

You didn't answer why you don't initiative sex with your H and you don't have to. But, I would feel rejected and undesired if my spouse never initiated sex with me. Your H might be more responsive to emotional connection with you if (1) you stop obsessing about MM and start thinking about your H and (2) you take more of an active interest in sex with him. Those are things under your control which could make your M more satisfying.

 

Personally, I'm always dubious about trying to establish an intimate, emotional connection with one's spouse while continuing to hide a betrayal. I would be open and tell the truth. Maybe others have some experience in keeping the secret while trying to establish a closer emotional connection. I can't help you there.

 

As to why MM walked away, from what you have posted about his behavior and what he has said, it seems very obvious to me. He walked away because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection to you.

Edited August 23, 2012 by woinlove

[schoolmate]

MM don't just happen to OW/MW. You said yourself that you found him on a old school website. You have not admitted to yourself the active decisions and choices you made along the way. Maybe counselling will help you connect better to yourself.

 

You didn't answer why you don't initiative sex with your H and you don't have to. But, I would feel rejected and undesired if my spouse never initiated sex with me. Your H might be more responsive to emotional connection with you if (1) you stop obsessing about MM and start thinking about your H and (2) you take more of an active interest in sex with him. Those are things under your control which could make your M more satisfying.

 

Personally, I'm always dubious about trying to establish an intimate, emotional connection with one's spouse while continuing to hide a betrayal. I would be open and tell the truth. Maybe others have some experience in keeping the secret while trying to establish a closer emotional connection. I can't help you there.

 

As to why MM walked away, from what you have posted about his behavior and what he has said, it seems very obvious to me. He walked away because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection to you.

 

You are right that I found MM on a social networking site -- I guess I was curious to find how some friends had been --- hadnt thought we would get involved in an EA. I am not even sure if it was an EA for him......we did chat every night about stuff in general - shared how we loved our kids and that we spend time with our spouses. Neither of us mentioned anything negative about our spouses or our M/R. Neither did either of us make suggestive comments etc to indicate any interest other than friendship. MM had been on a family holiday and then posted some family pictures on the same networking site. His W is also on the site - I did comment on some of the pictures -- nothing suggestive just some compliments for all of them. It was a few days of this that MM said to me that he didnt want to chat anymore since his W may not like it and then there was NC for nearly 8 months. And then he sent me an email saying he was at London airport in transit and just to check how I was doing. That night he also came online and we did chat --- when I asked how he was OK connecting with me now and why it wont bother his W he said he only wanted to get back in touch to apologise to me for how he had ended things last time. I was heart broken since I had hoped I had found the friend in him again. But didnt say anything to him and then again there was NC from him,....I would still keep sending him an odd mail from time to time. He didnt respond until recently when he came online and we again chatted like old times --- when he was signing out I asked him when I would see him online again and he said after a few weeks,,,,,,its been many weeks now but NC.

 

I didnt really know what to make of it so I sent him a few mails - many really and he wont respond. Last night I was an emotional wreck and so I called him to hear from him what he was upto. I only asked him why he didnt respond he only said he didnt want to and that was it....I was too emotional to speak any further so I left it at that.

 

So where am I now......

[sad puppy]

I honestly think its not simple by any stretch of the imagination!

 

 

Can anyone please advise on how I can get him to respond so we can both move on --- either together or on our own separate paths:confused:

 

Wow, the above, "so we can both move on ,,, either together or on our own separate paths." What? I just read your first post, and your most recent post, and now this. Based on your writings - what in the world ever made you think you'd be moving on "together"? I see nothing to even indicate he cares about you really in any way. You reconnected on Facebook, you commented on some photos, and he ended it. Then, he reconnected to apologize for being abrupt. And now you're pelting him with emails? You are STALKING him like some creep that comes out of the woodwork, threatening his marriage, and dreaming that you'll be moving on together. You have extremely serious issues. You need to get yourself to a counselor. Trust me, you will never see this guy, he probably thinks you're some psycho. You seriously need help.

[mercy]

I do want to focus on me and my family - but I cant say with the same confidence that I want to have nothing to do with him. We were the best of friends in school --its been 2 decades and now when we connected again,,,it was just like old times. How can it be that I cant keep a friend who also seems to want to keep in touch.

 

Cant life be any simpler! I do miss him,,,,,wonder how I can get him to respond and we get back to being friends again!

 

Well, your actions have made 'life' difficult. If you want it simple keep it simple.

 

Then I see you posted this -

 

The MM happened to me -- I was not actively seeking to have an EA. I do feel upset that MM will decide to walk away without feeling the need to tell me why.

 

LIFE I GUESS!!!

 

No he didn't just happen. It took time, energy, thought, and action to get where you are now. You are lacking something in your marriage and you have gone outside of your marriage in search of it and now lament, if only life could be simpler. Well except for your actions it could be.

 

If something isn't right in the marriage, fix the marriage. Yes, it is that simple.

[mercy]

MM don't just happen to OW/MW. You said yourself that you found him on a old school website. You have not admitted to yourself the active decisions and choices you made along the way. Maybe counselling will help you connect better to yourself.

 

You didn't answer why you don't initiative sex with your H and you don't have to. But, I would feel rejected and undesired if my spouse never initiated sex with me. Your H might be more responsive to emotional connection with you if (1) you stop obsessing about MM and start thinking about your H and (2) you take more of an active interest in sex with him. Those are things under your control which could make your M more satisfying.

 

Personally, I'm always dubious about trying to establish an intimate, emotional connection with one's spouse while continuing to hide a betrayal. I would be open and tell the truth. Maybe others have some experience in keeping the secret while trying to establish a closer emotional connection. I can't help you there.

 

As to why MM walked away, from what you have posted about his behavior and what he has said, it seems very obvious to me. He walked away because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection to you.

 

Such an excellent post! You rock with wisdom!

[schoolmate]

As much as I appreciate all of the very good advice here I do feel a bit concerned that most of you think that I need therapy. I always thought I was very self assured all thats gone wrong is that I found an old friend and connected very well with him emotionally and like I have repeatedly said - I am not sure how he felt about it. And the first time he wanted NC since his wife may not like it we both stuck to it and then he decides to pop up out of the blue to apologise....that sure was the beginning of my confusion.

 

Am I or was I looking to have a R with him - NO - or having an A with him - No. The way I connected with him has best been described here as an EA but I would prefer to call it Econnect. We werent planning to leave our families or anything!

 

The only thing that bothers me is that I have lost a very good friend in MM and dont even know the reason.

 

Does this make me require a therapy or C. Dont we all have gaps in our M that we not be able to fix for some reasons....so what are the options then - step out of the M. No I dont agree.

 

Also as one of you pointed out - I could be lonely in my M - thats partially true since I dont have female friends here -- -have just moved to this area and making friends at this age who you connect with doesnt come naturally to me. Old friends are there and I do talk/ chat with them when I see them online.

 

Am I sounding like an extremist??

[schoolmate]

MM don't just happen to OW/MW. You said yourself that you found him on a old school website. You have not admitted to yourself the active decisions and choices you made along the way. Maybe counselling will help you connect better to yourself.

 

You didn't answer why you don't initiative sex with your H and you don't have to. But, I would feel rejected and undesired if my spouse never initiated sex with me. Your H might be more responsive to emotional connection with you if (1) you stop obsessing about MM and start thinking about your H and (2) you take more of an active interest in sex with him. Those are things under your control which could make your M more satisfying.

 

Personally, I'm always dubious about trying to establish an intimate, emotional connection with one's spouse while continuing to hide a betrayal. I would be open and tell the truth. Maybe others have some experience in keeping the secret while trying to establish a closer emotional connection. I can't help you there.

 

As to why MM walked away, from what you have posted about his behavior and what he has said, it seems very obvious to me. He walked away because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection to you.

 

 

Thanks to being on the forum - I am beginning to accept that MM was obviously more focused on his M and saw his connection with me to be affecting his R with his W. Granted!!!! I would have much appreciated if he had kept NC once he told me that he wanted NC - why come back to apologise - doesnt make sense to me....Does it mean he cared enough about how I feel. And if he did where is all of that care now! I wish he would answer those for me ---- it will for sure make me a happier person and that will also help me refocus on more important things in my life.

 

Also to answer your question about why I dont initiate sex with my H --- multiple reasons really ---sometimes I am not in the mood; or tired from a long day; and I think the fact that I have noticed a pattern of him being nice to me only around the days when he wants it also puts me off. I dont want to be a W only good for sex. I miss him respecting me for who I am --- he only points out when something goes wrong but never appreciates anything good I do---well he does when he wants to have sex. That realisation doesnt leave me much motivated. I want to make love to the man I love and I want that person to be my H ---I cant see myself having sex with any other man. Sometimes I wonder if I have stopped loving him and is he just a Dad to my kids and not so much my H.

 

You will suggest that I talk to him....I am not very good at doing it....I end up crying and thats where it ends.

 

So I am missing my H and ofcourse my school friend!

[woinlove]

As much as I appreciate all of the very good advice here I do feel a bit concerned that most of you think that I need therapy. I always thought I was very self assured all thats gone wrong is that I found an old friend and connected very well with him emotionally and like I have repeatedly said - I am not sure how he felt about it. And the first time he wanted NC since his wife may not like it we both stuck to it and then he decides to pop up out of the blue to apologise....that sure was the beginning of my confusion.

 

Am I or was I looking to have a R with him - NO - or having an A with him - No. The way I connected with him has best been described here as an EA but I would prefer to call it Econnect. We werent planning to leave our families or anything!

 

The only thing that bothers me is that I have lost a very good friend in MM and dont even know the reason.

 

Does this make me require a therapy or C. Dont we all have gaps in our M that we not be able to fix for some reasons....so what are the options then - step out of the M. No I dont agree.

 

Also as one of you pointed out - I could be lonely in my M - thats partially true since I dont have female friends here -- -have just moved to this area and making friends at this age who you connect with doesnt come naturally to me. Old friends are there and I do talk/ chat with them when I see them online.

 

Am I sounding like an extremist??

 

You are sounding like someone very deep in denial. You keep going back to saying you have lost a friend. Read your posts or my excerpts again, you have been completely obsessed with this man, couldn't stop yourself from sending him multiple messages despite getting no answers. This is not a friend. You had an affair even if it was largely fantasy and with your fantasy image of this man. It has had the same effect of occupying your head and making you feel out of control as if it was much more than a fantasy. That's because you fueled this affair with your thoughts and you are still doing this.

 

And again the reason you lost your fantasy man is because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection with you. No matter what he feels, he must have a sense of what you feel since it drips off the page here. That secret is not compatible with being married to someone else. Anyone not in denial would see this.

 

I'm going to drop out, because we keep going over the same ground. Last time I am going to tell you this is not a friend. Keep posting you lost a friend if you wish, but that is just delaying you ever moving on and living a real life with your H and children instead of living with the fantasy in your head.

Edited August 24, 2012 by woinlove

[schoolmate]

You are sounding like someone very deep in denial. You keep going back to saying you have lost a friend. Read your posts or my excerpts again, you have been completely obsessed with this man, couldn't stop yourself from sending him multiple messages despite getting no answers. This is not a friend. You had an affair even if it was largely fantasy and with your fantasy image of this man. It has had the same effect of occupying your head and making you feel out of control as if it was much more than a fantasy. That's because you fueled this affair with your thoughts and you are still doing this.

 

And again the reason you lost your fantasy man is because he is married and that is more important to him than the connection with you. No matter what he feels, he must have a sense of what you feel since it drips off the page here. That secret is not compatible with being married to someone else. Anyone not in denial would see this.

 

I'm going to drop out, because we keep going over the same ground. Last time I am going to tell you this is not a friend. Keep posting you lost a friend if you wish, but that is just delaying you ever moving on and living a real life with your H and children instead of living with the fantasy in your head.

 

 

You have made me think and think like I have never thought before --- and to my surprise - I do think I thought of him as more than a friend and that explains why I am so bothered by his indifference.

 

I have also been able to recognise that the problem may not be with my M or my having an EA with the MM. I think it is the rejection and an unexplained one that is bothering me so much and I just cant handle it and its making me go insane so I am forced to keep writing to him, calling him and texting him. I am not sure if its natural or I am over-reacting. If I was the one who had called it off I dont think I will be going through this phase.

 

Also, there are things about this MM that I like but there are some that I dont so you are right I am having an EA with a fantasy ---imagining him to have only look at the positives and imagining his to only have what I would look for in a perfect man! I am so away from reality!!!

[mercy]

You have made me think and think like I have never thought before --- and to my surprise - I do think I thought of him as more than a friend and that explains why I am so bothered by his indifference.

 

I have also been able to recognise that the problem may not be with my M or my having an EA with the MM. I think it is the rejection and an unexplained one that is bothering me so much and I just cant handle it and its making me go insane so I am forced to keep writing to him, calling him and texting him. I am not sure if its natural or I am over-reacting. If I was the one who had called it off I dont think I will be going through this phase.

 

Also, there are things about this MM that I like but there are some that I dont so you are right I am having an EA with a fantasy ---imagining him to have only look at the positives and imagining his to only have what I would look for in a perfect man! I am so away from reality!!!

 

Oh the drama of it all. Leave the poor guy alone and get on with your life.

 

The wife is going to find out and all hell will break loose.

 

You've got too much time on your hands. You're wrapping your mind around a relationship that isn't even a relationship.

 

Now he's a perfect man? Please.

 

What's your pay off in all of this? Drama?

[schoolmate]

Oh the drama of it all. Leave the poor guy alone and get on with your life.

 

The wife is going to find out and all hell will break loose.

 

You've got too much time on your hands. You're wrapping your mind around a relationship that isn't even a relationship.

 

Now he's a perfect man? Please.

 

What's your pay off in all of this? Drama?

 

 

I bet you cant relate to it --- dont label it as drama just because you may never have been there or if it seems like alien to you. No offence intended but your comments like " you have too much time on your hands" are damaging!

 

Thanks!

[mercy]

I bet you cant relate to it --- dont label it as drama just because you may never have been there or if it seems like alien to you. No offence intended but your comments like " you have too much time on your hands" are damaging!

 

Thanks!

 

It is what is it. Good luck.