Katlady Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 First I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences at LS. I found this site a month ago when desperately searching for answers and have learned so much and have gotten a lot of great advice for my situation. I am truly appreciative to everyone! Now, for the great news! My ex-fiance and I had our "second" date of our starting over period last night and it was one of the most phenomenal nights we have ever had together and we've had a lot of those! We went to a concert and then a couple of clubs, played some pool, talked, hugged and kissed all night long with him totally taking the lead. After all, he is the one who wanted the space. I can barely write this without getting choked up all over again. It was incredible!! He still needs time, but things can fall into place again. I told him I believe in him, and in us and I'll wait and was rewarded with a huge hug and kisses and a thank you that means more to me than I can explain. I know every relationship is different and I've broken the rules about contacting or not, but I wanted to post something positive here. Second chances can happen. It's still one day at a time for us and I'm going to keep praying and keeping positive thoughts but today I have more than hope, today I truly, truly believe we'll be back together. Patience, prayer and positive thinking are my only pieces of advice I can offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 I'm very happy for you. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world... Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbgirl Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Me too! Good for you! How long ago were you broken up? Why did you break up in the first place? Did you follow the NC rule strictly or did you contact him at all? I am still waiting for my second chance.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katlady Posted July 20, 2004 Author Share Posted July 20, 2004 Thanks Olivia! Love is indeed a wonderful thing!! DG: you can find my details in my other posts. We were engaged for two months and he broke it off 4 months before our wedding was to take place. That was 6 weeks ago. I know 6 weeks isn't very long by what a lot of people here are going through, but some days it felt like an eternity to me. His reason was that he needed space and time. I didn't follow the no contact rule at all. Never knew there there was a rule until I found this site one day! LOL This past weekend, my now BF (and former fiance) renewed our commitment to each other and, to answer your question, he told me that everything I did (the contacts, etc) was perfect. Once a week I dropped off a six pack of his favorite microbrew, or a crock of soup I made, stuff like that with a little "enjoy" note. I sent him a text message of an inspirational golf quote on his league nights. I went on with my life otherwise. I continued going to our church every week. I got caught up on the stuff I had let get behind at my house while working on the new house he's now living in. I did a couple of projects at home that I'd been meaning to finish. I agreed with his request and took my stuff out of the house we were to live in. I never begged. I never got angry. He said the stuff I did let him know I was thinking of him without any pressure while he was working through his issues. Also, he liked my calmness and my inner strength and he thanked me Sunday night for being resilient through this. We both believe we are meant to be together. When he asked for some time, he truly needed just that and we'll be stronger together because of it. Things happen for a reason and we believe that we both learned lessons we needed to learn that will help up be a better couple in the future and we'll pray that we never forget these lessons. I don't know if this will help in your situation, but maybe. I know I read of lot of these posts and took away a lot of good advice. There are some really wise people here!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Katlady, you did it perfectly. You sort of used the NC rule for what it was meant for - to focus on YOU. Too many people are using the NC to manipulate their exes into coming back to them, and that isn't the point. The point is to start having your own life again, and if it was meant to be, the ex will see that and realize that they don't want to lose you. Either way, congratulations! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Yeah except that if no contact is complete the ex doesn't see anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Who cares what the ex sees? NC should be about YOU, not the only person. What the ex sees is that you're behaving unpredictably, which makes them wonder what's up and curious to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 No, if there is no contact at all the ex sees nothing. Not unpredictability, not behavior, ot how you live your life. Nothing. They are left guessing, or making up their own answers, or not thinking anything at all. There are many advantages to NC, not just making it easier on yourself to move on. Not everyone has the same focus as you do to try to eliminate their ex from their life. For your ex to see how well you are doing there has to be some occassional casual contact or at least some indirect contact. This contact acts as a catalyst or a reminder to bring those thought to the forefront. It's preferred if this takes the form of a chance meeting, or a comment from mutual friends. Take my case, I live 40 minutes from the ex. There is no chance meeting, we live in different areas. The only feedback she gets from me is when she calls, I call, or when I contact a mutual acquaintance and that person passes along what they learned. If I don't call, she never hears anything. Not that she cares. But when she does hear something is when she reaches out. Unfortunately this is much less often than it could be and our mutual acquaintances all think I am crazy for going with her in the first place, so they are less than helpful. The occasional reminder is the thing that triggers further communication. Don't discount that. Now if someone is trying to forget using NC. Then removing everything that reminder them of the other person should be the first goal. Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I'm not saying that you want to exclude your ex from your life. However, if your ex was the dumper, and especially if he/she said he/she needs time and/or space, then NC is best. I'm not saying they never see you again, but NC shouldn't be about playing a game. It should be about focusing on yourself. I think you're severely missing my point. Link to post Share on other sites
KaiaMahina Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 I agree with Pained. Especially in certain situations. I do NC because I was told "Goodbye" and hung up on. Also, I live 250 miles from my ex and there's no way I'm driving 5 hours to drop off anything for him with a note! I'm glad it worked for Katlady, but I think her situation is somewhat unique. She apparently did all the right things in the right order. If I had been dumped because I had cheated on him, or lied to him, or was an alcoholic or drug abuser, or exhibited unpleasant behavior on a regular basis -- in short, if I had done anything to justify him dumping me, and it was negative behavior or attitudes that I could change -- then I could see making contact with him to let him see what is going on in my life and to show him that I'm a better person, and to remind him of the good times we had, hopefully to rekindle his affection. But I did nothing wrong. He dumped me because he's essentially unable to grow up and take a chance. It is HE who should be contacting ME to apologize to me for causing me hurt to save himself any emotional distress, and to show me that HE can change himself for the better. Why should I, as an innocent dumpee, do anything to draw attention to myself? He knows what good times we had, and he knows how he felt about me. I haven't changed and have no intention of changing. Either he will miss what we had and contact me or he won't and I'll find someone who has more courage. And you know what? The men who have dumped me and come back (always with me making absolutely no contact whatsoever), have always said, "I kept thinking about you, I saw a movie that reminded me of you, I went to Starbuck's and remembered that you like mocha cappuccino, I found one of your earrings behind the dresser..." etc. Those things can touch someone's heart far more than a phone call or a card, and can spark incredible longing in someone just to hear your voice again...and they call YOU. As they should. That's if you want to get them back. Sometimes you're better off without them. Cheers to Katlady...I wish you and he happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 kaia all those guys that you said dumped you and came back cuz they thought of you, how long did it take for them to realize that? a month? 2 mths? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 jw32802, PLEASE go out and get the book "Why Men Love Bitches" (don't be put off by the title). I've read a lot of your posts, and you're obsessed with when your ex is going to contact you, whether or not he's going to realize what a catch you are, whether he knows you're the best out there, and so on. You're way too centered on this guy, and it seems like he's all you can think about. Link to post Share on other sites
KaiaMahina Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 JW...times varied from: one week, 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months, 1 year, 2 years. This last one is the first one I think will actually NEVER make contact again. Which is sad, because he's the only one I could see being with for the rest of my life. Oh, well. Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Guest74, I just have been asking questions, thats all. Thats what this board is about and everyone on here is asking about their ex's so dont be on this board if you're just going to say to stop asking questions Link to post Share on other sites
Guest74 Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Originally posted by jw32802 Guest74, I just have been asking questions, thats all. Thats what this board is about and everyone on here is asking about their ex's so dont be on this board if you're just going to say to stop asking questions I just feel really bad for you, because you keep asking the same questions that no one answer for you. No one can tell you when or even if your ex will call you, because no one here can read his mind. You rightly left him because of his behavior, changed your number, but now expect him to change overnight and find a way to contact you. I think your energy could be better used. Link to post Share on other sites
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