A few bumps in the road

[blond258]

Okay. I have been dating my boyfriend since June of last year (we dated several years ago for a couple months - wrong timing then!). We became official boyfriend/girlfriend in November and in April he moved in with me and my puppy. (Thought a time frame would be nice!) While this may seem fast for the move in, we took things really slow those first six months (including not even having sex) and the only problem we were having was the drive time to see each other (45 min-1 hour - one way). We talk about the future all the time, i.e., marriage and children, but am I just kidding myself!

 

So, we should be in bliss, right? Not sure. He has a nine year old daughter which I have yet to meet. At Christmas she asked when she was going to meet me, he said soon. At Easter when nothing had happened I caused a scene prior to him leaving to go see her because I felt he always wants to know everything in my life; however, this is a huge part of him that I don't know. Plus, it does not help that just about whatever he does with her (lunch, dinner, etc.) her mother goes along. Then she brought it up again, it was all set, then she got sick, then didn't want to. So he suggested a phone conversation first and that has still not happened! Every time I bring it up he gets mad because "he is trying to do the right thing and is caught in the middle". However, is it really fair that I constantly feel left out of his life and then blamed when I get upset?

 

Secondly, we both have a lot of the opposite sex friends. I tell him every time I talk to them because a few of them I have dated. He tells me about all but one, his only ex that he talks to (not including the mother of his child). Is it really fair that he expects me to tell him about my conversations, but not give me the same respect?

 

Lastly, I promise, it was not until he moved in that I found out he belongs to several yahoo sex groups. When I first found out I explained to him that I have no problem with porn because I actually enjoy it. I did not know what these groups were and asked that if wanted to continue to use them that maybe we set up another name and join a few together so that I could understand what they are. He said fine and that he would get out of his groups (against my strong disapproval for this). I, of course, found out that he was still on these. It is not so much that he is on them, but that he looks at profiles of "real" people on these. He constantly says he only does this because he is "bored" - guys is this legitimate? I actually wouldn't even mind it if he was looking for things for us to do. I.e., he is MUCH more sexually experienced than me (20 partners to 3) and the few things that he has mentioned he has not done, I have researched and we have begun to try. However, he has brought nothing new to the table and now our sex life revolves around me (almost always) initiating the sex and he is ALWAYS pleased, but sometimes I am left without the big O. So, is being "bored" a good reason to search groups, should I just get over the fact that I will always be the initiator, etc.

 

Sorry to lay all this on you - maybe I should have broke this up.

 

Thanks for any and all thoughts. It is all GREATLY appreciated!!!!

 

P.S. He is 31 and I am 25 - don't know if that is needed or not.

[Olivia_19742004]

However, he has brought nothing new to the table and now our sex life revolves around me (almost always) initiating the sex and he is ALWAYS pleased, but sometimes I am left without the big O. So, is being "bored" a good reason to search groups, should I just get over the fact that I will always be the initiator, etc.

 

Once you accept a behavior it is very hard to change it. It causes so much confusion in the relationship because the other person is looking back and thinking to themselves that this has always been how things were so why is it a problem now?

 

I have always been the initiator in my marriage and it has affected my outlook on sex with my husband (along with other things). It makes it hard to not internalize this and feel as though he's not really interested in having sex with you and is just doing so out of obligation or because you nagged him so much for it. Sometimes it's nice to have someone come onto you. Sometimes it's nice to feel so sexy that your loved one can't keep their hands off you. It's a hard situation to be in. If you want to change it you have to do it now. If you're going to accept it, know that you're accepting it for the rest of your life. It will be so hard to change it at a later date.