Why won't he leave me alone?

[Medgirl]

I know I just posted something here, but I'm really frustrated and it's a different situation now. Well, now that I've mustered up the courage to dump this guy he WONT leave me alone! Last night (Thrusday 15th) I told him I might move to Salt Lake. He was really pissed off and upset because he knew it was because of him. It really pissed him off because he knew I didn't want to go because of my job and things going on at school. So he agreed to not bother me. And what does he do right after he leaves? He calls me 5 min later saying he can't deal with being apart from me. Then he calls me twice when he gets home at about 1am saying he can't deal with it. I told him to get some sleep and then get some help in the morning. I told him that I need my space and that I want to move on and I want him to move on. Last night when he called me the third time it almost sounded like suicide attempt. He suggested that he didn't know how careful he could be and that he was bummed no one was home. I didn't want to go over to his place because I want to move on and it was 1am so I was tired. On top of that I had things to do in the morning. Anyway, I called to check on him this morning and he was fine, so I told him "good luck" in hope that he would stop bothering me. WELL now he starts calling me again saying he's having a hard time, that he has no one else to talk to yadda yadda. I'm SOOO frustrated! Why won't he get it? Why can't he understand that I want him out of my life? I've tried to be blunt with him, and I've tried to show him that I'll do anything to just get away but he insists on calling me all the time whining about how bad his life sucks without me. I can't not answer my phone. The messages just get worse and worse. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm so angry! He has done this before and it has gone on for weeks! One time he even wouldn't let me get any sleep and I almost went insane! Any advice? Anyone experiance this before?

[aFighter]

If it's getting *that* bad the only thing you can do where you've told him very clearly to leave you alone I think a restraining order may be your last hope.

[Blah Toolz]

I don't know the details of your break-up, or how long you two were together... but I guess you could try telling him that there is no chance of you two ever getting back together, and that you both need to move on.

 

Don't answer his calls, change your number, etc. so that you don't have to deal with answering his phone calls if you don't want to deal with them anymore.

[joseph]

haha you know what works...get another boyfriend and when he calls..get your new man to pick up the phone and tell him to f*ck off..that worked for my sister..and she is actually still with the same guy who did this..

I doubt your going to do that, but it's an idea

But seriously, you need to be firm with him, and you can't be checking up on him, he's big boy, he'll figure things out..he'll get it pretty quick when you get pissed off at him, and never call him. He'll realize that it's time to move on, eventually..

Good luck with this..

[faux]

I would say that the next thing you could try is being harsh, and not attempt to spare any of his feelings. I know you were blunt, but perhaps not blunt enough. You may have to yell at him and show him how angry and frustrated he is making you. After you very bluntly tell him again that you don't want him contacting you, start to screen your phone calls. Save any messages/voice mails that he might leave, just in case he starts to freak you out more.

 

It may be annoying to you to have to screen your phone calls, but outright ignoring him and blocking him out of your life may be the best thing for you to do. You could also change your telephone number. Verizon allowed me to do it for free, considering that I claimed someone had been bothering me and I had never had it changed before.

 

If you ever do change your number, keep one thing in mind: Make sure you specifically tell your phone company that you do not want your new number listed. Sometimes when your number is changed, if someone calls it there will be a message indicating that the number has been changed, including the new number.

[Mr Spock]

Get a restraining order. Seems harsh, but so does being harsh. This guy obviously has a problem. I just am conjuring all sorts of horrible possesive ex boyfriend murders pretty blonde ex girlfriend who only wanted to get the hell away stories.

[murphy pee]

... You dont owe him anything. I have been rejected and it is a bad feeling. I am mayure enough, however, to know that if someone you want doesnt want you, you cant force them.

 

Spell it out to him like so: 'I do not want you...deal with it!...WITHOUT ME!! '

 

If he kills himself, heez killed himself. Dont worry yoself abt it. Just do most of whats been suggested... Change number, dont check up on him, etc etc.

 

One might argue that the more you stay away from him, the more he'll press. There is some truth to that. But do you want to take the chance of spending more time with a suicidal person? .

 

keep us posted, kay babe!

[Medgirl]

Thank you for all of your posts! They contain some very good advice. I know what you all mean about just ignoring him, which is easier said than done. The hardest part is is that deep down I do still have feelings for him and I do miss him. Lately he has been calling me a lot. At least three times a day. Yesterday I did something stupid and went and saw him at work. He seemed so happy to see me. His face just lit up. It was nice to see him happy, but at the same time it was uncomfortable. Today he wanted me to go get him lunch and take it back to him at work. I told him I was on my way home with some grocerys but I could bring him a TV dinner or something. He threw a fit and said "NEVERMIND" because he didn't want a TV dinner, he wanted fast food. Nonetheless I refused to go out of my way so he could be selfish AGAIN. He later called me up and told me I wasn't a real friend because I wouldn't take 2min out of my day to help him out. I totally freaked out on him and reminded him how many times I've taken him to the doctor, and gone to the bank for him etc. Then I told him that part of it was because I didn't want to see him. He got the hint and appologized. Then he told me he didn't realize that I didn't want to see him! I asked him "What did you think I mean when I told you I needed time and space?!". Anyway, the whole deal just really sucks. A big part of the reason I want him away is so that I don't feel like I'm hurting him over and over again, but he's just so persistant! It was really stupid of me to go visit him yesterday. Actually, I think I was in a no win situation. Since I did go visit him he probably thought it was ok to ask me again, but if I wouldn't have gone and visited him we would have had this big fight anyway. OR maybe I should have told him yesterday that I didn't want to see him. But I was a chicken. His birthday is coming up this weekend. I don't know what to do. Should I give him a present? Maybe invite him somewhere so he doesn't have to spend it alone? Or am I just digging myself in a deeper hole? I feel like a hypocrite because I want away from him but at the same time I want to part on good terms. Am I a pushover? Is it one of those "You can't have your cake and eat it too" things? All I know is that it was an ugly relationship, and it's ending ugly. I HATE this!

[Good heart]

you are playing games to get the attention he gives you that nobody will ever give you. good luck breaking him up again with false hopes and making him miserable.............

[jw32802]

i agree/ thats not fair and you wouldnt like it if he did that to you

[Blah Toolz]

In my opinion... if you keep seeing him, and keep in contact with him like this -- he's going to see this as a chance for reconciliation right now... and he's going to keep trying to "win you" back. Or whatever he has been doing to you... contacting you non-stop, etc.

 

Give him a call on his birthday, that's it. I think you're going to have to cut him off completely, I suppose that's the best way to show him that you want to move on without him.

[joseph]

you need to seriously re-read the previous replies to your thread and take them seriously...there's alot of quality help in there, none of which you have taken action on...

I know you want to spare feelings here..but it's time to take care of yourself, nevermind him.

[Medgirl]

WHOA. I didn't ask for the putdowns! Maybe you didn't understand? I'm not enjoying the attention, I just don't know what to do!

[Blah Toolz]

Originally posted by Medgirl

WHOA. I didn't ask for the putdowns! Maybe you didn't understand? I'm not enjoying the attention, I just don't know what to do!

 

I think some of the people see what you're doing to him as leading him on.

 

If you really don't want to be with him... then you have to stop bringing him tv dinners, talking to him everyday, etc. It makes him happy when he sees you because he doesn't want you to leave, and he thinks you will be getting back together by all the nice things you are doing for him... but he will be even more miserable if you keep stringing him along. I know you want it to end on "good terms," but it's going to end up worse the way you're doing it.

[Medgirl]

Thanks for being understanding Blah Toolz. I really appreciate it and I understand that I need to just cut him off. It's the best for him. I'm really NOT trying to lead him on. I'm just not very good at this breaking up stuff. I'll just have to buck up and cut him off. Again, I appreciate the understanding.

[Blah Toolz]

Originally posted by Medgirl

Thanks for being understanding Blah Toolz. I really appreciate it and I understand that I need to just cut him off. It's the best for him. I'm really NOT trying to lead him on. I'm just not very good at this breaking up stuff. I'll just have to buck up and cut him off. Again, I appreciate the understanding.

 

No prob... yeah, unless you really do want him back -- then you should just cut him off. It will save him a lot more pain in the long run. The pain of being dumped is harsh... but if he gets his hopes up and then they come crashing down, he will be ten times worse.

[NoButter]

You either like him, or you don't. You're obviously addicted to his drama-if this guy repulses you and is such a pain in the butt why the heck are you bringing him things and nattering about such stupidity as taking someone to the doctor and going to the bank? You can't tell someone to "leave you alone" then continue to allow them access to you. No wonder he's going crazy!! Stop being such a wishy washy person and take a stand. If you don't want anything to do with him, then DON'T CALL HIM. Not on his birthday, nothing.

 

Not intended to be insulting-just leave the poor confused guy alone.

[VOLSFOOTBALL]

maybe he is truly in love with you.amybe he is not a stalker, i mean when you lead a person on so much and they start to feel a bond and the whole time your still living in the moment day to day,you have to expect that. i mean its really hard total devotion to a person think they feel the same way get use to a certain routine and then you shoot them down ya know!!

[Medgirl]

OK I think some people have totally MISUNDERSTOOD everything! I HAVE told him how I feel, I HAVE set the boundaries, I HAVE taken a stand and have said "no". I am NOT addicted to his drama, I am NOT leading him on, and I understand that if I give him any indication that I want to get back together with him that it will bring him down! The reason I got on here was not to complain and whine about how he won't leave me alone. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation where you've said "No" and set your boundaries yet the person continues to call, make suicide threats, and basically tell you that they hurt more than you do etc. I understand when you all say "just cut him off". You're not the only ones who have told me that, and I understand that it's probably the best thing to do. Well guess what? I don't call him, I don't go see him (except for that one time which was a bad idea) and I have NO INTENTION OF MAKING HIM SAD SO I CAN FEEL BETTER. Got it? Can you people see that I am NOT out to string him along for my enjoyment? Or are you all so jaded and bitter that you can't see that? It's easier said than done when you say "cut him off" and then he calls up, you don't answer, and he leaves desperate messages threatening to kill himself, and practically begging you to call him. What would you do? Sit there and be a machine? I may not want to be with him, but I do still feel for him and I do get scared when he threatens to kill himself. It's just me. I don't just shut my feelings off. Anyway, thank you for all your thoughtful posts, but I think that I'll just figure this one out on my own.

[CaterpillarGirl]

MedGirl,

 

I know this is hard for you. This is what I would do in this situation--

 

1) Change your phone number. Call your phone company and make the switch. DO NOT allow him to manipulate you with suicide threats and constant messages. Don't let him contact you at all.

2) Block his email address.

3) Stop calling him. Email him a message saying you do not wish to hear from him further, that your relationship is over, and that you will not be contacting him again. Harsh, but effective. This is not a time to be nice. This is a time to move forward.

4) See a counselor. You are starting school again soon, if I remember. Most colleges offer inexpensive counseling. This will help you sort out your feelings and to cope with living without him.

 

You can do it. You are not being cold-hearted; you are not responsible for his emotional comfort. You don't owe him anything. Yes, of course, you care for him, but in this case you need to walk away. DO the things I've said, and make plans with friends. If they love you, they'll help you be strong to do this.

[Bubbles]

Medgirl,

 

I had the SAME situation just over a year ago. Know what I used to do? I would let the ex's calls go to voice mail and I would let my g/friend check the message. If she thought that there was something on one of the messages that I really needed to know then she would give me the information but......if it was my ex.......she would listen to the message and delete it (if he was just blatting off about not being able to live without me) she saved me from #1 hearing his voice #2 having to listen to him knowing that he was in pain and I was the cause of it.

 

All of those guilty feelings would surge up in me if I heard his voice. I made out much better after I chose to do the girlfriend listening to my messages thingie. He got the message loud and clear after a while. Honestly, I took him at least 6-7 months but...........a year and a half later.....he is still alive, he's coping and carrying on in life without me.......his world did not end because I am not in it.

 

Know what I mean? You need to stop feeling guilty, you HAVE to stop answering the phone and for goodness sakes DO NOT VISIT HIM.

That is his leverage against you. He knows that if he can make you look at him that you may have feelings left for him and he's hoping to guilt; you into going back to him. I am sure that you have been hurt enough and you are ready to end this relationship. As women we naturally take for the "under-dog" so to speak.....we can't help it.......we are women, that's the way we are built.

 

If you truly beleive that you should not be with this fellow then you will follow my advice to the "T". It works!

 

 

Bubbles

[t866]

I think you like the drama, which is wrong. This guy obivously cares a lot about you. I think he knows that you don't want him. But like you said you don't know what to do. Did you ever think of him maybe he does't know how to deal with this either. It sucks when you love someone and they don't feel the same way back. As for all the crap he's talking, I don't know him. But maybe he's just saying that stuff to make you feel sorry for him and get a reaction out of you. If he really is suggesting on hurting himself, talk to his family so they can deal with him not you.

[Bubbles]

#1 She does not like the attention.

 

#2 Maybe he does'nt know how to deal with his emotions but can you see exactly how much he DEPENDS on her?

 

#3 He says MANY things to her that he SHOULD NOT be saying......."I'll kill myself?" WTF?

 

#4 The last thing she should do is contact his family! You leave them out of this. He is a "big boy" he can look after himself.

 

 

Medgirl needs to ignore this fellow, she does not need to understand "how he feels" she knows all too well how he feels! That's why she keeps answering the phone and making his problems her problems. He will never learn how to deal with his own "healing" until she stops talking to him.

 

What is she?........his Mother?

You know something I just thought of? She has enough evidence on her cell phone alone to have him charged with harrassment.

 

 

Bubbles

[honey2005]

If he kills himself, heez killed himself...'I do not want you...deal with it!...WITHOUT ME!!

 

Wow, pretty heartless murphy pee. I'd hate to break up with you.

 

You know, some people really hurt when they get dumped, and it just takes them awhile to understand what's going on. But I agree, she should tell him plain out (not as plain as above) that it's over. That way he can realize what's going on, and move on to someone who will love him and appreciate the attention he shows them. I didn't mean that offensively Medgirl. No one likes to be stalked. Maybe when he finds someone who loves him back, he can put the attention he's focusing on you to good use.

[havNfun]

Medgirl,

 

have you ever gotten dumped? If so you know how incredibly painfull and hopeless it feels - to have someone basically telling you that they would rather spend their entire lives w/out you than with you. It feels like a good friend died.

 

When one is in the midst of being dumped, they are full of hurt and emotion and thus are not going to make the most rational decisions necessarily.

 

I think since you have the upper hand, and are leaving him, that it is your reponsiblity to make rational decisions and to be consistant. It is wrong for you to think of yourself in the way of trying to ever see him or talk to him - even if your purpose is just to make sure he is alright.

 

you are not helping his situation AT ALL by ever seeing him or talking to him or giving his heart the slightest bit of hope. Could you be relishing this a bit - perhaps as a form of payback for times he angered you in the past?

 

I think you should move out of the state like you mentioned you might do.