jennx Posted August 22, 2012 Share Posted August 22, 2012 I have been having an affair for about a year and half with a wonderful man, who is sadly, pushing me away. What started out as a platonic relationship became passionately sexual one night. Since then, we have become best of friends, talking three times a day and seeing each other at least once a week. Since he broke things off with his significant other we have come to realize we are deeply in love. Recently, he has pushed me away, admitting the pain of not having me full-time is more than he can bear. I realize he is jaded about love, having been divorced three times. He is terribly insecure and acknowledges that I am "out of his league", since we are from "different sides of the track", so to speak. He has admitted I am his dream girl and that he is deeply in love with me, however he can't give me what I am "worthy of" and wouldn't be able to live with himself if I took my children away from the home they find sacred. My heart is broken. I am truly inconsolable and have nobody to talk to. I realize we always want what we can't have, but I was hoping this relationship could weather the next few years until my kids are old enough for me to leave. After a week without speaking, I contacted him out of weakness. He came running. That last time I saw him, he made true love to me for the first time. He admitted his feelings for me and I saw the love pour from him as he laced his fingers with mine and tears welled up in his eyes. Afterwards, however, he pushed me away yet again. I know you can't change someone and we always want what we can't have, but my heart is breaking and I could use some friendly advice. Would someone please slap some sense into me and offer some kind guidance? Sincerely, Heartbroken Lady PS - I am married to a loving man, who would do anything for me. Unfortunately, I married out of convenience and have never been truly "in love" with my husband. I am a decent girl, who feels badly about the choices I've made. I realize I am horrible for cheating on him, but have stayed for the sake of my children. I have craved the passion I've been missing the entire time. Now that I have found it, I am terrified and heartbroken that it is slipping away. Please advise. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Does that mean that he wanted a R with you, you wouldn't leave your M until the kids will be out of the house, so he couldn't take it and ended the A? Link to post Share on other sites
losingmyground Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Would someone please slap some sense into me and offer some kind guidance? Sincerely, Heartbroken Lady PS - I am married to a loving man, who would do anything for me. Unfortunately, I married out of convenience and have never been truly "in love" with my husband. I am a decent girl, who feels badly about the choices I've made. I realize I am horrible for cheating on him, but have stayed for the sake of my children. I have craved the passion I've been missing the entire time. Now that I have found it, I am terrified and heartbroken that it is slipping away. Please advise. So here is the 2x4 you have requested. STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP. You are a piece of meat right now, a convience. If the well being of your children really means that much, you have to let him go. A decent girl does not cheat!!!! It amazes me how the "PASSION" is so important after you have married. Go out and buy yourself a vibrator, read erotic novels and take care of yourself. If when the kids are up and out you still feel the need to divorce then do it. Only then should you be on the hunt for another "LOVE". You might want to look into IC before you move on to another relationship. You have to fix you, before you can truly love someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 You all are so right. These are exactly the things I need to hear. I keep trying to convince myself the fates are sparing me from making a mistake from which there is no return. And the funny thing is he sees it all, too. He admitted he is pushing me away to "save me" from himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 Does that mean that he wanted a R with you, you wouldn't leave your M until the kids will be out of the house, so he couldn't take it and ended the A? No. He is afraid of his feelings. He worries he isnt good enough for me. He says there is no happy ending for us, which I take just might mean he doesnt want the baggage if I left for him. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 He doesn't want the A because he can't have you full time, but he doesn't want you full time because he's afraid of his feelings? Another man who forgot to grow up and just got old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 You know, you are so right. He said he is so jaded, he expects every relationship to fail, but goes ahead and dates because it is nice to have someone to spend time with while it lasts. Um, okay. Push away a girl who you really care about and who really cares about you to go spend time with some bimbo you can kick to the curb when it is convenient. Then complain you are a victim in the game of love. Yep. That is fourth-grade mentality if I ever heard it. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 No. He is afraid of his feelings. He worries he isnt good enough for me. He says there is no happy ending for us, which I take just might mean he doesnt want the baggage if I left for him. *sigh* I don't mean to be harsh...but... Imagine yourself moving from your lovely home and moving into a not so great apartment, eating Mac and Cheese, clipping coupons and wearing the same clothes for the last two years. You're in love with being in love and I believe once you take the affair into reality it will disintegrate. Also..he's been married 3 times, not a very good track record in my opinion. This is infatuation, nothing more. You are missing something, hopefully you will get into IC, and figure out how to fix what is broken in you and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 So here is the 2x4 you have requested. STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP. You are a piece of meat right now, a convience. If the well being of your children really means that much, you have to let him go. A decent girl does not cheat!!!! It amazes me how the "PASSION" is so important after you have married. Go out and buy yourself a vibrator, read erotic novels and take care of yourself. If when the kids are up and out you still feel the need to divorce then do it. Only then should you be on the hunt for another "LOVE". You might want to look into IC before you move on to another relationship. You have to fix you, before you can truly love someone else. Trust me - I have gone through my share of vibes and fiction and it only goes so far. When someone is in front of you, making your wildest desires come true, it doesnt matter how decent you are. It can happen to the best of us. You are right, though, about being a convenience. Yep - I do feel like a piece of meat. The minute his feelings went from physical to emotional, he bailed!! What a coward!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I thought about the reality of it, too. Life would be different, for sure. I do think ( in his defense) he is "sparing me" the reality of what life with him is like. I believe him on that front. He may be immature and cowardly, but he does seem to mean well. Pardon my ignorance, but what is IC? Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I thought about the reality of it, too. Life would be different, for sure. I do think ( in his defense) he is "sparing me" the reality of what life with him is like. I believe him on that front. He may be immature and cowardly, but he does seem to mean well. Pardon my ignorance, but what is IC? Individual counseling/ IC He's a player, please don't be played. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) My heart is broken. I am truly inconsolable and have nobody to talk to. I realize we always want what we can't have, but I was hoping this relationship could weather the next few years until my kids are old enough for me to leave. Would someone please slap some sense into me and offer some kind guidance? PS - I am married to a loving man, who would do anything for me. Unfortunately, I married out of convenience and have never been truly "in love" with my husband. Please advise. The only thing that I can tell you is that you need to gain your Independence. Anything you have ever wanted materialistically you have to get for yourself. Sometimes when you marry a man for finance you can't complain about the card you're dealt. You chose this man to be your husband. If you do not want him let him go. That is my advice to you. If you do get a divorce walk away with a new life. You are not living if you have never truly been in love your husband. Make a decision. I want you to know MM being married 3 times doesn't help you. I think what you need is alone time. Figure out who you are because you've had this facade of a marriage going for so long you might not know who you are. Be alone for a while. Edited August 23, 2012 by Emme 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I thought about the reality of it, too. Life would be different, for sure. I do think ( in his defense) he is "sparing me" the reality of what life with him is like. I believe him on that front. He may be immature and cowardly, but he does seem to mean well. Pardon my ignorance, but what is IC? He is not sparing you, he is sparing himself. He doesn't want the baggage of your marital break up and he isn't interested in playing stepdaddy to your children. He wants you at his beck and call for his fun. Married, you can't be availble to him as much as he wants, but if you seperated, you would want more from him than he's willing to give. I think he is making a sensible choice in ending the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 Please don't misunderstand. I did not marry for money. In fact, my husband and I struggled for years, only to have become financially successful in the recent past. That, however, doesn't equal happiness. I married him for different reasons entirely, but that is a whole other thread. (sigh) I can't thank you all enough for your advice. It seems what I need now is the tough love you all are offering here. I appreciate your wisdom and insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 He is not sparing you, he is sparing himself. He doesn't want the baggage of your marital break up and he isn't interested in playing stepdaddy to your children. He wants you at his beck and call for his fun. Married, you can't be availble to him as much as he wants, but if you seperated, you would want more from him than he's willing to give. I think he is making a sensible choice in ending the affair. I think you are very right. His reasoning seems to be contradictory to itself. He did a very good job at reeling me in, however now that he has me, hook line and sinker, he has decided to throw me back into the sea. Player, indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 My guess at this point is that he wants variety, and you want a committed affair (no other others). If you want to stay where you are, and he doesn't want a R, this arrangement could go on for 20 years happily for both sides. Yet he plays the victim and pushes you aside; I don't think he wanted you - I'm sorry to say that. I think he wants the freedom to get the bimbos. If his three marriages failed because of infidelity, that's definitely a sign of nothing good to come. After enough times of good though the same problems, if people don't end up changing, they simply don't change. Link to post Share on other sites
stillwater Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) I think you are very right. His reasoning seems to be contradictory to itself. He did a very good job at reeling me in, however now that he has me, hook line and sinker, he has decided to throw me back into the sea. Player, indeed. Did I read something wrong? He's single and you're telling him to hang on for a few more years while you remain married to someone else, correct? With no guarantee that you will ever actually leave? So how is he the player? How does he have you at all, let alone hook line and sinker? Edited August 23, 2012 by stillwater 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 stillwater, that's what I thought at first read too. She doesn't want a R with him, he doesn't want a R with her (his pain of not having her full time doesn't seem to be more than words), andhe's ending the affair. So no real hopes of being together, she's just rejected by the end of an affair that could have easily continued and worked for her. If he persued her, it's normal that she feels heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I think I have misrepresented my intentions. When he said he cant go in not having me, I offered to leave in order to be with him. I have been the one trying to convince him we can work out. However, that is when he started pushing back, saying he cant give me the life I "deserve" and there is no happy ending for us. (That is where the contradiction comes into play.) This is also the reason I offered to stay where I am and continue the affair, since he claims he really doesnt believe in love any more. (His failed marriages ended due to infidelity on two of the wives' part, not his. But that could be telling in itself, I suppose.) Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 (edited) I have been having an affair for about a year and half with a wonderful man, who is sadly, pushing me away. What started out as a platonic relationship became passionately sexual one night. Since then, we have become best of friends, talking three times a day and seeing each other at least once a week. Since he broke things off with his significant other we have come to realize we are deeply in love. Recently, he has pushed me away, admitting the pain of not having me full-time is more than he can bear. I realize he is jaded about love, having been divorced three times. He is terribly insecure and acknowledges that I am "out of his league", since we are from "different sides of the track", so to speak. He has admitted I am his dream girl and that he is deeply in love with me, however he can't give me what I am "worthy of" and wouldn't be able to live with himself if I took my children away from the home they find sacred. My heart is broken. I am truly inconsolable and have nobody to talk to. I realize we always want what we can't have, but I was hoping this relationship could weather the next few years until my kids are old enough for me to leave. After a week without speaking, I contacted him out of weakness. He came running. That last time I saw him, he made true love to me for the first time. He admitted his feelings for me and I saw the love pour from him as he laced his fingers with mine and tears welled up in his eyes. Afterwards, however, he pushed me away yet again. I know you can't change someone and we always want what we can't have, but my heart is breaking and I could use some friendly advice. Would someone please slap some sense into me and offer some kind guidance? Sincerely, Heartbroken Lady PS - I am married to a loving man, who would do anything for me. Unfortunately, I married out of convenience and have never been truly "in love" with my husband. I am a decent girl, who feels badly about the choices I've made. I realize I am horrible for cheating on him, but have stayed for the sake of my children. I have craved the passion I've been missing the entire time. Now that I have found it, I am terrified and heartbroken that it is slipping away. Please advise. Pardon me for saying so, but you seem like a princess/drama queen. *sigh* I know I have made bad choices, but please, please, save me from making them again! And your kids consider their home "sacred" ?? what does that mean? To me it sounds like you are using that as an excuse to stay married and continue your affair, you know, "until my kids are old enough for me to leave." Riiiiight. You are a cowardly cheating woman two timing your loving husband while using your children as a shield all the while messing with this poor other guy's head and heart. Out of your league indeed. You say you feel terrible for the choices you have made? Prove it. Accept responsibility for what you have done all the way around, ask for forgiveness, and be accepting of the choices your husband and other man make including should they walk away from you without trying to yank them back in "out to weakness" on your part. Edited August 23, 2012 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I'm not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. I can't quite reconcile how in one post your children's home life is "sacred" and then in another you offered (to your OM) that you would leave. How is it you "cannot leave" then, as it happens, you actually offer to leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I appreciate the brutal honesty. I need it. I promise, though, that I am the farthest thing from a princess/drama queen. If you knew me in reality, you'd find my character to be quite the opposite. I guess you could say I am being more irrational than anything, as it seems love and pain are the least rational human emotions. (That is why I felt compelled to post on this forum. I needed a stripped-down, objective perspective on the situation.) Perhaps it is my insecurity that drew me to someone who is a self-proclaimed "loser", as someone above said. It is the "bad boy" appeal that drew me in and I got in over my head. (I think I ended up wanting to "rescue" him in the end, which is the oldest mistake in the book. and a product of reading too many fairy tales.) Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I appreciate the brutal honesty. I need it. I promise, though, that I am the farthest thing from a princess/drama queen. If you knew me in reality, you'd find my character to be quite the opposite. I guess you could say I am being more irrational than anything, as it seems love and pain are the least rational human emotions. (That is why I felt compelled to post on this forum. I needed a stripped-down, objective perspective on the situation.) Perhaps it is my insecurity that drew me to someone who is a self-proclaimed "loser", as someone above said. It is the "bad boy" appeal that drew me in and I got in over my head. (I think I ended up wanting to "rescue" him in the end, which is the oldest mistake in the book. and a product of reading too many fairy tales.) Ok, so now what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 So now what I need to do is to have some self-respect to let go for both his sake and mine. It is becoming clear that he is trying to nudge me out the door before I fall any harder in this dead-end relationship. He has tried to push me away for a while and I've stubbornly refused to heed the warning signs. Yes, we love each other and our relationship is special, but he looks at it from a pragmatic point of view, realizing there would be lots of resentment down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennx Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I'm not the sharpest knife in the kitchen. I can't quite reconcile how in one post your children's home life is "sacred" and then in another you offered (to your OM) that you would leave. How is it you "cannot leave" then, as it happens, you actually offer to leave. It was actually the OM, who said HE did not want to take my children from the home they find sacred. Those were HIS words, not mine. It is true, though, that I have stayed in the marriage to this point for the sake of my children. However, I have considered leaving for this OM. Link to post Share on other sites
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