Heartbroken over End of the Affair

[whichwayisup]

It was actually the OM, who said HE did not want to take my children from the home they find sacred. Those were HIS words, not mine.

 

It is true, though, that I have stayed in the marriage to this point for the sake of my children. However, I have considered leaving for this OM.

 

How old are your kids?

 

If you leave, be prepared for their worlds to be turned upside down.

If you leave, allow your husband custody of the kids. Don't introduce them to your OM until your D (divorce) is final and at least a year has gone by so the kids adjust to not having you and their father in the same household.

 

Be prepared to lose some friends, some family (they will pick sides, especially your in laws) and deal with the fallout of ending a marriage and trying to start a new life with someone else so quickly.

 

If you can't stand your husband and want this OM, divorce your H now so he can grieve and heal, move on with his life without you in it.

[nofool4u]

Would someone please slap some sense into me and offer some kind guidance?

 

Yes,

 

First, divorce your husband. He doesn't deserve to have any more of his time wasted so he can go out and find a decent woman and happiness. Do this whether you have OM in your life or not. Set your husband free.

 

Second, you may not want to pursue OM even if you do divorce. Because if he is jaded due to past relationships, he isn't thinking clearly and doesn't realize that hooking up with someone that cheated on her husband more than likely will land him another lousy relationship that will jade him further.

 

Someone who has been hurt in the past doesn't need someone in their life that is more than capable of cheating.

 

And whether or not you agree, the first piece of advise is something you should definitely do. Life is too short and your husband deserves to be able to move on NOW.

[jennx]

Thank you so much for your kind advice, Pierre. I appreciate your gentle candor. These are the things my overly-sensitive heart needs to hear right now in order to make the right decision to return "home".

[nofool4u]

Married and divorced THREE times? And an affair with a married woman while he's with someone else?

 

I would track down and speak with each of his ex-wives (there may even be more than three). Something tells me the rose-colored glasses will come off should you do this.

 

If it turns out he was a faithful man and just has a history of picking the wrong women (cheaters), then it will be OM that needs to take off the rose colored glasses.

[jennx]

Nope. He has cheated, too. He is far from perfect.

[jwi71]

It was actually the OM, who said HE did not want to take my children from the home they find sacred. Those were HIS words, not mine.

 

It is true, though, that I have stayed in the marriage to this point for the sake of my children. However, I have considered leaving for this OM.

 

Perhaps I wasn't clear.

 

You have stated that you cannot leave and that you offered to leave.

 

Your rationale for not leaving was to protect their "sacred home life".

 

What rationale do you offer for offering to leave? Clearly, your kids sacred home life was not so sacred.

 

What changed?

 

I posit you do not leave not because of your kids but because your OM didn't want you to - and it had nothing to do with your kids. Had your OM said yes, your kids sacred home life would have been "tossed out like yesterday's bath water".

 

Your kids have NOTHING to do with this besides being a convenient excuse for your action - or lack thereof.

 

You do not NEED anyone to prop you up or act as a soft landing.

 

If you are NOT happy - fix it or leave.

 

You deserve happiness. We all do.

 

Now, take the kids out of YOUR decision making - you've done so in the past little reason you cannot do so now.

 

Sans kid-centric excuse making, what life do you want?

[nofool4u]

Nope. He has cheated, too. He is far from perfect.

 

So then he is jaded because of his experience and because there are people out there such as himself.

 

His fears are justified, however hypocritical.

 

So the real question is, are you going to set your H free and file for divorce sometime soon?

[jennx]

Point taken.

 

I guess, as someone said earlier, I am "in love with being in love". My irrational side thought that my being happy and in love would provide for my children's happiness if I chose to leave my husband. I selfishly reasoned that my kids would be happy as long as I was happy.

 

Perhaps I am looking to fill a void within myself (insecurity?) and projected the answer to be within this dead-end affair with a less than worthy OM. The mutual passion and desire made me feel alive again, though, and I wanted it to last forever. I am trying to remind myself that passion is a fast-burning fire, and once it fades, would (in this case) leave behind a weak foundation at best.

[Charlie Harper]

My advice you are being played, by a very experienced guy and I tell you this because before I got married it was incredibly easy to make married woman fall, just selling them freedom, promises, great sex and ATTENTION. Simple as that.

 

Now break all contact and be strong, he is not worth it believe me I KNOW. focus on your H see what made you make the mistake, focus on your motivations and get IC... I think its worth a try, and if you find you can't go on in your Marriage....the the big D is in order .

[jennx]

How old are your kids?

 

They are 9 and 11, and yes, I have considered the fallout. It isn't pretty. You are so right.

[jennx]

My advice you are being played, by a very experienced guy and I tell you this because before I got married it was incredibly easy to make married woman fall, just selling them freedom, promises, great sex and ATTENTION. Simple as that.

 

 

You are right. Those are the feelings, exactly. I do feel rather foolish when I look at it from that point of view.

[jennx]

Ugh. I am that cliche.

 

It is amazing how putting the thoughts down into words makes everything become simple and clear-cut.

[jennx]

 

You also need to lean how to be happy on your own and without the help of another person.

 

Agreed. Sounds more and more like a little IC would serve me well.

[nofool4u]

Point taken.

 

But question still unanswered, I'll ask again:

 

Are you going to set your H free and file for divorce sometime soon?

[jennx]

I am trying to make sense of everything right now as I am still reeling and quite irrational. For me to grapple with that decision this very instant would be foolish. I do believe some deep soul-searching is in order.

 

I am processing this one step at a time.

 

I do get your point, though, and it is weighing heavily on my mind.

[SBC]

I am trying to make sense of everything right now as I am still reeling and quite irrational. For me to grapple with that decision this very instant would be foolish. I do believe some deep soul-searching is in order.

 

I am processing this one step at a time.

 

I do get your point, though, and it is weighing heavily on my mind.

 

 

Then it is likely you will stay stuck in this affair until you get caught or your OM dumps you --like he is trying to do. Because you are not seeing this from anyone's perspective but yours.

 

What do I do? What will happen to me? What if I make a mistake? What if I lose everything? But I miss him! I love my husband, but I am not in love with him.

 

To me, this is the dictionary definition of "Cake Eaters Syndrome"

[jennx]

It's ... kids are versatile and adaptable and it's much better for kids to see their parents happy than it is to see them settle for what they don't really want.

 

I know several instances where this seems true, so I am inclined to agree. and to be honest, I have always wished my mother had had the "courage" to leave my father. (I actually told her so on several occasions.) I have watched her play the martyr for over 40 years in an emotionally abusive relationship and it breaks my heart to see such a wonderful woman not have lived her true potential.

 

And since we are on the subject of my parents, their relationship is the main reason I chose my husband as I did. I wanted someone who would be the polar opposite of what I grew up with - happy, supportive and emotionally stable. At that time in my life, I figured a passionless marriage would suffice, because by the time I had kids and settled into middle age, sex would be the farthest thing from my mind, anyway.

 

Boy, how I was wrong! Ahh, the myopic mindset of youth!

[goldengirl11]

I just want to say that I completely sympathise with the OP and in some way it was comforting to read another woman going through a similar type of situation.

 

I am currently myself in a very difficult situation with a married friend with whom things were platonic with initially, but it has been so up and down i.e he had been giving me mixed signals over the past month or two and over a (what I thought would be a romantic) meal on Tues eve, it ended in tears. Despite him buying condoms just before our date after he had asked me only v late the night before if we could meet up the next eve and that he would stay the night, so v confusing. I also tried to look my best e.g had my hair done diferently that day, nice outfit etc and was pleased he complimented me, but I think somewhere we didn't click over the meal maybe, when I was actually quite nervous. He also said it wasn't me and that he spoilt it.

 

He also had tried to cool things recently, but then he had changed his mind,... and has now again. He also gave me those condoms at the end of the night incase he does come round again after telling me that he can't go on with it, before we had got passionate before we went home seperately, kissed goodbye and that we'd keep in touch. I have heard from him since and some sexually suggestive, as we still plan to meet in a hotel a month from now when he goes on a course.

 

I am going to try not to contact him now and let him miss me hopefully. He does *seem* to care about me and said if we were just physical that I would think that he was using me. I think he thought that we were starting a relationship before which we were, but unfortunately he's bailed again. On Tues night he more or less said that he'd like to try and work things out with his wife, but he thinks it is v unlikely it will work out between them (they have been together over 20 years), so there may well be a chance we can give things a shot in the future.

 

Stupidly, I am hoping we will get closer though. He said on Tues night that he fears he will develop more feelings for me and at at least when we meet in a month's time (which I'm hoping he doesn't bail out of tbh) he would've had some space in the meantime, so I guess, for now, I am feeling a bit like a pastime e.g a chat at lunchtimes and texting on the way back home on the train. Although we had some meaningful chats again recenlty i.e saying he wanted to be with me and how much he wanted to make love to me properly etc only over the weekend.

 

He's messing with my mind and it is fair to say have found myself in a teary mess the last couple of days, but I'm trying not to show that I am upset after no doubt making a fool of myself already. I suppose it can't help that I'm currently out of work, but hopefully soon I will be more occupied to try and move on more from him. I think he is about 20 years older than me. He's been quite shady about that actually.

 

Thanks for listening/advice!

Edited August 23, 2012 by goldengirl11

[Furious]

I know several instances where this seems true, so I am inclined to agree. and to be honest, I have always wished my mother had had the "courage" to leave my father. (I actually told her so on several occasions.) I have watched her play the martyr for over 40 years in an emotionally abusive relationship and it breaks my heart to see such a wonderful woman not have lived her true potential.

 

And since we are on the subject of my parents, their relationship is the main reason I chose my husband as I did. I wanted someone who would be the polar opposite of what I grew up with - happy, supportive and emotionally stable. At that time in my life, I figured a passionless marriage would suffice, because by the time I had kids and settled into middle age, sex would be the farthest thing from my mind, anyway.

 

Boy, how I was wrong! Ahh, the myopic mindset of youth!

 

 

 

Ok...but....you go from a steady, reliable and stable husband and go 180 to a known serial cheater who's been married three times, and is both emotionally and financially broken.

 

Yes.,.divorce your husband, some marriage aren't meant to last but to give your heart to someone I guarantee will break it will be a huge mistake.

 

Get divorced, be single, enjoy those latent hormones your experiencing.

 

I can say that if you bring that man into your children's lives, they will be shocked who mommy traded daddy in for.

[jennx]

I do seem to fit into every cliche there is in this type of situation, don't I?

 

I guess it wouldn't surprise you in the least for me to pull this one out of my pocket: "I do love my husband. I am just not IN love with him."

 

*sheepish grin*

[veryhappy]

Do you know what you want? You come across as ambivalent. Were you hoping for a R or were you hoping to continue the A long term?

[jennx]

Ok...but....you go from a steady, reliable and stable husband and go 180 to a known serial cheater who's been married three times, and is both emotionally and financially broken.

...

I can say that if you bring that man into your children's lives, they will be shocked who mommy traded daddy in for.

 

Agreed. Good point.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not the sharpest knife in the kitchen.

 

I can't quite reconcile how in one post your children's home life is "sacred" and then in another you offered (to your OM) that you would leave.

 

How is it you "cannot leave" then, as it happens, you actually offer to leave.

 

This story really needs to be edited for continuity.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What do I do? What will happen to me? What if I make a mistake? What if I lose everything? But I miss him! I love my husband, but I am not in love with him.

 

To me, this is the dictionary definition of "Cake Eaters Syndrome"

 

To me, it's the dictionary definition of "Avalanche of Cliches."

[Minnie09]

I think your OM has some serious emotional issues.

 

1) 3x divorced

2) trying to push you away with his words, but pulling you back in with his actions

 

My conclusion is this: he doesn't really want a relationship with you, but is quite happy with the A situation. His words don't say that, but his actions show it clearly. He is emotionally immature, not willing to commit, which is why he "warns" you how bad of a person and inadequate he is. All these statements seem to be designed to get a reaction out of you: He wants you to show him your devotion despite all his flaws, which boosts his ego and convinces HIMSELF that he IS in fact desirable. He might not believe that about himself. He's got lack of self-esteem. His history shows that he's got problems with long-term commitment and closeness. This is because he probably doesn't like and love himself enough. Not a good trait in a possible mate. People who don't know how to accept themselves cannot maintain a long-term R.*

 

He says he is afraid of being with you because he might make you unhappy? Believe him. He knows what he's talking about. Look at his history with women. He hasn't changed and even admits it. Sure, he'll take what he can get from you as long as its free. But he is definitely not interested in a serious R. Just because he says that he does not want to mess up your life and he is concerned about your well-being and the consequences a D may have for the kids, doesn't mean that this is really his concern. His concern is about his own desires. He doesn't want to be responsible for you and the kids. As long as he can get you with no strings attached, it's fine with him. If you D and he's stuck with you, your kids and some responsibilities on top of that, not so much.*

 

Sure, he tells you otherwise. He tells you he loves you and wants you, but if you say you want him, too, as a real life partner, he pulls back. What does that tell you?*

 

Look at his history with women, and listen to what he says about a possible relationship with you if you get divorced. He does not want the responsibility. That's all I hear when I read your OP.

 

If he were interested in some serious exclusivity, he wouldn't care that he is "inadequate". He would let love rule and willingly let you love him. He would be secure in his love for you and try to be a better person for you and your kids.*

 

I only wanted to give a short feedback on your OP and the impression I got about your OM.*I'll leave it up to you to figure out what it says about yourself that you fall so easily for somebody who gives you attention. I feel bad for your H. He should not be deceived any further. It's not fair at all. He's being manipulated and controlled, and he doesn't even know.*