Friends then it crossed lines, guys I need insight!

[PlanetJanet]

So I am in my mid 40s. Three years ago I began working with a guy who is about 14 years younger. We quickly became friends, exchanging messages all day at work, texting after hours/weekends, and also taking walks at work. Eventually it progressed into meeting after work - cooking each other dinner, going out for dinner, watching a movie, having some wine and always talk. Hours of talk.

 

He is a ladies man with commitment issues and young for his age. Charming in public, life of the party, a hopeless flirt. However I have seen a lot of what's behind the facade - his troubled childhood, his feelings and needs, fears, insecurities, etc. He says I am one of the only people he can be real with. Says he trusts me and cares for me and that he is "permanent" in my life. For a long time he was telling me that he loved me (in a friendly way). I went through a painful breakup and he was there to listen and support me. He grew on me. I don't want to date him but I am drawn to the sensitive side he shows me. Thinking that he might be an amazing guy in about 10 years when he grows up.

 

The friendship went on like this for 2 years. Then one day he sent me sexually explicit texts. Among other things he said that he was turned on by my experience. And he wanted me to touch him, basically service him with my hand. He was drunk and I said "tell me that when you are sober." And he did. For 8 months, both at work and in private, the flirting continued. All verbal.

 

For me the flirting was a game, something new and ego-gratifying. I said no to what he asked for. Told him that I was interested but if I touched him at all it would be out of affection, and I would want ALL of him, not just to play with his junk. To which he said "you hit the nail on the head." To me this meant he understood that I wanted more than to give him a handie. Things continued platonic. Until the day he brought over a porno movie.

 

The movie was quite good, with plot and decent acting. We watched it and drank like usual. At the end of the night I was tipsy. We went for our usual parting hug, except this time I kissed his neck after the hug. I told him that I value him as a person and I want what's here (as I touched his heart/chest) and not what's here (as I touched the outside of his pants). He was aroused and I took my hand away. I admit it was stupid and I got carried away. But I was feeling affection for him and the wine made it easy to overstep my own lines. I was finishing the hug to end the night, when he took my hand and put it on his bare skin, inside his pants.

 

 

It felt nice and he was still aroused. But what I also noticed is that after he put my hand there, he froze up. He would not meet my eyes. He just said "we probably shouldn't be doing this" which is odd because he's the one who took my hand and moved it. I noticed his frozen-ness and said "I am not going to do anything to you" and took my hand away and we said our goodbyes. This all lasted less than 5 minutes from beginning to end.

 

This was in February. I left the job shortly after, but we remain friends. Later we talked about what happened. He said he "freaked out" when I touched him. He said it felt good but he does not want to cross the line of kissing me. He had been uncomfortable since that night, but had not said anything. We agreed that verbal play and flirting were OK but not to ask for things you really don't want. We agreed not to cross any more physical lines. We apologized to each other.

 

After the talk he said we should watch the SEQUEL to the porno movie; that everything was fine and would resume its prior comfort. But it didn't. If I say something complimentary/flirty now, he doesn't respond. He never tells me he loves me. No sequel has been watched. We didn't drink wine together for months. It feels like he put up a little wall or is guarding himself. Literally feels like he is holding me at arm's length. Not sure why, since we crossed no further lines, and kept everything on a friendship level.

 

When we get together it's fun but less relaxed. I feel tentative around him, afraid to even brush up against him or do anything that would scare him. We still talk for hours in person but the visits are fewer. We still email and text but he writes short answers, or no answers, and ignores half the texts. And I am not bombing him with texts - maybe 2 or 3 per week. It actually hurts to get no answer or a short answer when I write him long chatty notes. Especially when I can see on Facebook that he is out having a wild and crazy social life. Plenty of time for ladies and partying, but no time to respond to a frickin' email from his "friend." I am getting resentful and hurt. Sometimes when it hurts I back off the contact. Then when I back off, he notices and asks me where I have been, or why are my emails so short?

 

I want to explain why I reduce contact. That it hurts to be ignored. That I don't understand the change between us. Where did his emotional closeness go and can it ever return? I am tired of hiding my feelings. I want to know why he opened that sexual door. Was he just working me like some easy score? Or did he get spooked when it started to feel real? His "freaking out" was embarrassing to me, and I took it personally for a long time. Is he distant because of the sex thing, or not working together, or something else.

 

I read a lot of posts here and many of them say to take the risk and say how you feel. I don't know if it will do any good. He tends to shy away from emotional intimacy although I seem to be the one person to whom he has made himself emotionally vulnerable. What the hell is he thinking? Can the balance be restored to this friendship? Guys, is this all in my head and to him everything is fine? Thank you for any help.

Edited August 23, 2012 by PlanetJanet
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