My boyfriend's driving makes worried and uncomfortable

[Breezy67]

I'm not sure how the conversation came up, but my boyfriend recently told me that he runs red lights occasionally. Obviously, I was concerned when he told me. It makes me worry about his safety and how he could be risking other peoples lives. His excuse... He's in a rush to get to work sometimes. He says he can see that there are no cars coming in any direction, so he goes through the red light. I told him that it's dangerous and reckless, but he disagrees.

 

He also tailgates people and messes around on his phone when he's driving. It makes me really worried. I don't ever want to get a phone call, saying he's been in an accident. He insists nothing will happen, but it really doesn't make me feel better. Everyone in my family has been in car accidents, including myself. One of my brothers died in a car accident. My boyfriend knows this but it doesn't seem like he respects how I feel about this.

 

I told my boyfriend that I'm not going to ride in the car with him anymore if he tailgates other cars, because it makes me very uncomfortable. I gave him two choices. Either don't tailgate other cars or I'll drive myself from now on. He said I was acting ridiculous an I should just trust him.

 

He is not being empathetic at all and he refuses to respect how I feel about this. He just doesn't understand at all. I told him not to contact me until he is willing and ready to accept this. Is there anything I can do to resolve this issue?

 

Let me also add... Our relationship is pretty good besides this recent issue. The fact that he is unable to see my point of view, is actually making me more upset, then his not so good driving. I don't really want to break up with him, so please don't suggest that. Thank you.

[carhill]

This is known, IMO, as air bag, crumple zone syndrome. Young people were socialized in an era where they were protected by technology, or perceive themselves to be protected, so believe they are invincible. In my generation, I saw people die in auto accidents personally at a pretty young age due to racing at the track and on the street so knew the dangers and didn't take them lightly. I remember the way my mom would put her arm in front of me when she had to stop quickly, simply because there was no such thing as seat belts or shoulder harnesses in the car.

 

It boils down to simply feeling invincible. I see it with kids all the time, even people in their 20's and 30's. I guess they haven't seen enough death yet. I hope they don't for a long, long time.

 

So, you have two choices; either accept his behavior, since he's aware of your concerns, or break up with him. You can refuse to ride with him. That'll probably fly like a lead balloon but it's your choice. Usually, the only way people change intrinsic behavior sets is through consequences which are sufficiently painful to impel them to change. That could be fines from the law or your absence. I doubt he'll magically wake up one day and change on his own, but anything is possible. Good luck.

[dexterfan]

Sounds immature and disrespectful to you for sure. I think you are being reasonable.

[mortensorchid]

How old is your bf? It is a proven fact that women are better drivers than men, especially young men. Women are less likely to speed, drive recklessly, drive drunk or participate in road rage than men are, and we have fewer accidents as well. That's why our car insurance rates are lower. Ha ha ha ...

 

As for your bf, chances are if he is under age 26 he will tend to be reckless anyway in all aspects including his driving. With age we mellow out a bit in all aspects. Unfortunately, there is no answer to get him to change these behaviors, not by you or anyone else. And he just might get into a terrible accident or get tickets for driving recklessly or something. My Dad is nearly 70 and he is a horrible driver - speeds like he's a drunk 21 year old, screams at those in traffic, is completely oblivious to other drivers flipping him off and what not. So he's not going to change, and neither will your bf. You just have to get past it.

[Breezy67]

How old is your bf? It is a proven fact that women are better drivers than men, especially young men. Women are less likely to speed, drive recklessly, drive drunk or participate in road rage than men are, and we have fewer accidents as well. That's why our car insurance rates are lower. Ha ha ha ...

 

As for your bf, chances are if he is under age 26 he will tend to be reckless anyway in all aspects including his driving. With age we mellow out a bit in all aspects. Unfortunately, there is no answer to get him to change these behaviors, not by you or anyone else. And he just might get into a terrible accident or get tickets for driving recklessly or something. My Dad is nearly 70 and he is a horrible driver - speeds like he's a drunk 21 year old, screams at those in traffic, is completely oblivious to other drivers flipping him off and what not. So he's not going to change, and neither will your bf. You just have to get past it.

 

 

You're right, we're both young. He's 20 and I'm 21. I know I can't change the way he drives. I'm just suprised, because he's usually not this stubborn. He feels like I'm attacking him and I guess that's why he's in defense mode. It has nothing to do with him personally... If my mother drove the way he did, I wouldn't feel comfortable in the car either. It's my own fear, but no matter what I say, he still takes it personal.

 

I'll just have to follow through with my word and not drive with him anymore, no matter how inconvenient he thinks it is. I appreciate everyone's opinion. Thank you.

[Radu]

Maybe he's addicted to the andrenaline of doing something forbidden/dangerous.

It might explain the way he reacted to your ... suggestions.

 

I've seen quite a few like this.

[FitChick]

Simple fix. Tell him that you will do all of the driving. If he objects, don't make it into an argument. "Okay, I'll meet you there."

 

When I was growing up, it was common to see a crumpled mass of metal that used to be a car displayed prominently at an intersection as a warning not to speed. Every year there was at least one person featured in the high school yearbook's "In Memoriam" who had been killed in a car accident.