Oh how the tables have turned...??

[kha00]

(Kind of long.. sorry!)

Hey guys. So I had posted on here a while ago asking for some advice.. and now I need more. Haha.

 

Back story in a nut shell..

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years, in love and planning our future. He moved in with me at the beginning of this year, and then 5 months later broke up with me and moved out. He kept telling me it was him, not me.. yada yada yada.. that he still loves me and that when he figures out why he's been so unhappy and fixes himself he hopes that I'll want him back. And I did want him back. So much. I was devastated and wanted nothing more than for him to come back to me.

 

So I asked some advice on here, and it was pretty much unanimous that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and odds were he wasn't coming back, that he wouldn't just walk out on me if he did love me as much as he kept telling me he still did. It was hard to hear, but I agreed and went as no contact as I could (slipped up and text him a couple times.)

 

Well.. almost 2 months later and surprise, surprise.. he wants me back. He texts me everyday for the last week apologizing and telling me how big of a mistake he's made. How much he loves and misses me and that he only wants me for the rest of his life. He sent me flowers at work twice in one week. Tells me he'll do everything he can to make me happy again.

Awesome, right? That's what I had been hoping for. Praying everyday that he'll come back to me and we could be together forever like we had always talked about.

 

But, here's the thing... now that the moment I've waited for since he left finally came, I don't know whether I want him back. Obviously I love him still, and care about him so much. But after walking out on me, I don't know if I can just go back like nothing ever happened. A couple weeks after he broke up with me I started spending a lot of time with my friends trying to keep occupied, and realized how much fun I was having. It seems like as soon as I was able to finally say that I accepted the break up and was finally ok, he started wanting me again. It doesn't seem fair.

 

Another thing, I met this guy last week through a mutual friend that I really like. It's been nothing serious (texting, hung out a couple times) But I do find myself having a crush on him.. and he's told me that he likes me too. We have so much in common it's scary, plus he's goofy and likes to have fun just like I do (my ex would never be silly with me.) I feel like I can actually be myself with him and it's a lot of fun.

 

Sooo...

I guess my question would be, what would you guys do if you were in my situation? Would you try to work it out with the ex, since I really do love him. It doesn't really seem fair to post pone going back with him to see what happens with the new crush.. But then again, my ex wasn't fair to me when he left..

Do I potentially ruin this second chance with the person I love to take a chance on someone I like?

[Crila16]

Hell no I wouldn't try to work it out with the ex. He broke your heart. He made you cry. He left you with a broken heart. you were in pain for 2 months, and where was he???? For all you know, he could have left you for another woman. When that didn't work out, he's now coming back to you.

 

Oh no...give the new guy a shot. He hasn't ripped your heart out of your chest and caused you pain. Besides...if you take the other one back, there will be resentment and passive agressive behavior on your part. You'll never be happy with him, cause you'll never trust him again. Move onward and upward. Don't go backwards. Let your ex feel the pain that you felt. He deserves it.

[all_hail_me]

Urg, seriously? Flowers and begging after 2 months? Hun, he left you because the grass was greener, and now he's back because he realises that it's just not true. My old flatmate's ex left him, they say it was mutual, so slightly different from your situ, but she came back begging him back because surprise surprise - it wasn't so rosey out there! He took her back and I swear to god, they're both miserable!

 

If you're enjoying being single, don't let that go for someone who just had enough then left. You know the answer in your heart.

[Hornachero]

Hmmm, the paradox of choice/buyer's remorse. The more options we have, the hardest it is to take a decision. Things would have been so much easier if Mr. Ex didn't come back in the picture, wouldn't they?

 

Now, my two cents. The choice is yours obviously, but whatever you do, don't look back. Take a decision and move on. What will make your life miserable is the thought of the un-taken path and the best way to kill a relationship is to be thinking about one guy while dating the other.

 

Personally, I would give the old one a chance (even if it's riskier) because I want to be clear with my conscience if things do not work out in the future. For me, the worst thing that could happen is to think about someone that mattered to me at some point and wonder whether I could have done more to make the relationship work. If you try again with your ex and things don't work well so be it. It'll be painful for sure, but at least you will have a clear conscience and will be able to move forward knowing that you have made whatever you could for that relationship to work!

 

Good luck with whomever guy you decide to stay with

Edited August 23, 2012 by Hornachero

[Kite]

This is a tough one. Now that you look back, do you still like the relationship you were in? Remember the good and bad times.

 

Sometimes people really do just need time to realize how much you meant to them. It's not fair, but if you love someone surely you can to some extent understand that.

 

That said.... I'm loving the sound of the goofy new guy. He makes you feel like you can just be yourself? Hell yeah! That is really all anyone wants.

 

Also don't feel rushed into this decision, it is a big one, so take your time and be sure of decision. No pressure!

[kha00]

Thanks for your input so far guys!

 

Besides...if you take the other one back, there will be resentment and passive agressive behavior on your part. You'll never be happy with him, cause you'll never trust him again.

 

That's one of the big things I'm worried about. Even now, I find myself getting mad at the flowers, texts, "I love you's", etc.. Like where was all that 2 months ago?

[pteromom]

That said.... I'm loving the sound of the goofy new guy. He makes you feel like you can just be yourself? Hell yeah! That is really all anyone wants.

 

This! See where it goes with new guy!

 

It's ok to still love your ex. Heck, I still love many of my exes. Over time, it has faded to a feeling of gratefulness that they were in my life and taught me so much.

 

But your ex left you. And he wouldn't get silly with you. And - you've grown since then.

 

Tell him you will always love him but you aren't interested in moving backward. If he argues, tell him there's someone else. (He doesn't need to know it's not a relationship yet.) He'll someday thank you for the lesson you taught him - that if you love someone, you appreciate them and treat your love as something fragile and beautiful - you don't throw it away if you are feeling "unhappy" and don't know why.

[kha00]

This is a tough one. Now that you look back, do you still like the relationship you were in? Remember the good and bad times.

 

That's hard to answer because I feel like there were 2 parts of the relationship. The first year and a half were amazing. Then after he moved in, he changed. I don't want to say stopped caring about me, but it seemed like it. Didn't want to spend time with me, always put his wants over mine.. And even then, i still wanted to be with him because I remembered the amazing part. But then it felt like he gave up on me when he left. And now the bad part of the relationship is much more clear and the memory of the amazing part is starting to fade.

 

 

 

 

That said.... I'm loving the sound of the goofy new guy. He makes you feel like you can just be yourself? Hell yeah! That is really all anyone wants.

 

Lol, yeah.. he's pretty awesome. Which is making this even harder. I get to be the part of myself that I couldn't be with my ex. The goofy, sarcastic, dance around for no reason part of me that I missed a lot.

 

 

 

I'm torn. One side of me wants to go back with my ex and try again. I do love him a lot and had always planned on being with him forever. We already have a foundation, know everything about each other, and have a lot of love.

But then again, he's the one who gave that all up and left me.. and as soon as finally accepted it and start to move on he comes back. Jerk. Lol.

[Tree_Salmon]

That's hard to answer because I feel like there were 2 parts of the relationship. The first year and a half were amazing. Then after he moved in, he changed. I don't want to say stopped caring about me, but it seemed like it. Didn't want to spend time with me, always put his wants over mine.. And even then, i still wanted to be with him because I remembered the amazing part. But then it felt like he gave up on me when he left. And now the bad part of the relationship is much more clear and the memory of the amazing part is starting to fade.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lol, yeah.. he's pretty awesome. Which is making this even harder. I get to be the part of myself that I couldn't be with my ex. The goofy, sarcastic, dance around for no reason part of me that I missed a lot.

 

 

 

I'm torn. One side of me wants to go back with my ex and try again. I do love him a lot and had always planned on being with him forever. We already have a foundation, know everything about each other, and have a lot of love.

But then again, he's the one who gave that all up and left me.. and as soon as finally accepted it and start to move on he comes back. Jerk. Lol.

 

 

The real advice here is you cant be with either of them.

 

First, you and your ex are over with for a reason. I doubt your issues will ever be resolved.

 

Second, you found this new guy while you were still in love with your ex and then you magically like this guy more. he's a rebound and you are in that honeymoon phase of meeting someone new. You probably wont last long with this guy.

 

So if you want to have a fun year then date the new guy, but i expect you to be back here next year for that breakup.

 

If you want to go back to your man, i would say take the chance and see if he's changed or something. But i doubt it. Either way this is a mess. You needed to be alone for a while and get your head together.

 

Do whatever you feel is right but I don't see this as a win win. I think this is going to go south no matter what.

 

I would stay single. But its up to you.

[Frank13]

I just posted this in another thread this week. It is the "we want what we can't have and don't wany what we can have. If you say yes he may even say no/ Anyway here is the quoted reply I gave to another poster who rejected his ex when she came crawlingback -

 

"If you would have let her back she would have probably said no. Everyone wants what they can't have.

 

We see it over and over here. Person A is pinning for Person B and wants them back. Person B finally comes back and now Person A doesn't want them. So person B leaves which causes Person A to now want them. Person A now goes begging to Person B, but now Person B doesn't want Person A.

 

That's why people want contact. They want the ego stroke. Once they get it they feel they can then move on. A lot of the problem with break ups is the rejection and blow to the ego. People don't really want to get back together. They just want to feel validated by the other person. Had you said "Yes" your ex probably would have then said 'No"."

[kha00]

The real advice here is you cant be with either of them.

 

First, you and your ex are over with for a reason. I doubt your issues will ever be resolved.

 

Second, you found this new guy while you were still in love with your ex and then you magically like this guy more. he's a rebound and you are in that honeymoon phase of meeting someone new. You probably wont last long with this guy.

 

So if you want to have a fun year then date the new guy, but i expect you to be back here next year for that breakup.

 

If you want to go back to your man, i would say take the chance and see if he's changed or something. But i doubt it. Either way this is a mess. You needed to be alone for a while and get your head together.

 

I do agree with that. I, in no way, intended on jumping into a relationship with new guy. Although I find myself having a crush on him, I know that there's a good chance I'm feeling it as a rebound. But I think it's also because he's the first person who has made me feel happy since the break up.

 

 

 

I cried everyday for almost 6 weeks. All the way up until about 2 weeks ago, all I wanted was my ex to come back. But then I woke up one day and realized that I couldn't stop my life for someone who didn't want me, I couldn't keep crying over someone who would leave me.. so I started going out and having fun. Keeping busy, reconnecting with old friends and having fun. It made me realize that he's not the only person in the world. And oddly enough, hanging out with new guy just the couple times we have, made me feel normal again.

 

So as I was finally starting to feel like life could go on and that I was actually ok, he wants me back. Obviously I love him and my head says to take this chance to see if he's changed and see if we could ever be how were again. But I'm still so mad at him for doing this to us and making me feel this way. I'm afraid I wont be able to let it go. Now I'm back into a lose/lose. No matter what I chose to do, I'll always look back and wonder if I made the right choice.

 

Ahhhh... Lol.

[kindest]

It's a tough choice. You really need to think this one through.

 

I guess if I were in your situation I'd go for the choice I know I wouldn't regret. Be honest with your ex (or both parties, if you are in that place with the new guy) and tell him about your apprehensions with going back together with him. Tell him about the new guy and what he's offering or could offer you. The thing is that when we are faced with choices like this, we throw logic out the window and just usually go where our heart tells us to go. Be aware though that him coming back doesn't necessarily mean he's back for good (if you choose your ex). But at least if it doesn't work out you won't have that 'what if' bugging you.

 

On the other hand, meeting a new guy can be very exciting. It's all very honeymoon-ey and colorful. A few months or years down the line, the romance an fizzle out and your thing with this new guy can be different from how it is now.

 

Oh, what do I know... I'm as messed up as you are. lol

[oracle]

(Kind of long.. sorry!)

Hey guys. So I had posted on here a while ago asking for some advice.. and now I need more. Haha.

 

Back story in a nut shell..

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years, in love and planning our future. He moved in with me at the beginning of this year, and then 5 months later broke up with me and moved out. He kept telling me it was him, not me.. yada yada yada.. that he still loves me and that when he figures out why he's been so unhappy and fixes himself he hopes that I'll want him back. And I did want him back. So much. I was devastated and wanted nothing more than for him to come back to me.

 

So I asked some advice on here, and it was pretty much unanimous that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and odds were he wasn't coming back, that he wouldn't just walk out on me if he did love me as much as he kept telling me he still did. It was hard to hear, but I agreed and went as no contact as I could (slipped up and text him a couple times.)

 

Well.. almost 2 months later and surprise, surprise.. he wants me back. He texts me everyday for the last week apologizing and telling me how big of a mistake he's made. How much he loves and misses me and that he only wants me for the rest of his life. He sent me flowers at work twice in one week. Tells me he'll do everything he can to make me happy again.

Awesome, right? That's what I had been hoping for. Praying everyday that he'll come back to me and we could be together forever like we had always talked about.

 

But, here's the thing... now that the moment I've waited for since he left finally came, I don't know whether I want him back. Obviously I love him still, and care about him so much. But after walking out on me, I don't know if I can just go back like nothing ever happened. A couple weeks after he broke up with me I started spending a lot of time with my friends trying to keep occupied, and realized how much fun I was having. It seems like as soon as I was able to finally say that I accepted the break up and was finally ok, he started wanting me again. It doesn't seem fair.

 

Another thing, I met this guy last week through a mutual friend that I really like. It's been nothing serious (texting, hung out a couple times) But I do find myself having a crush on him.. and he's told me that he likes me too. We have so much in common it's scary, plus he's goofy and likes to have fun just like I do (my ex would never be silly with me.) I feel like I can actually be myself with him and it's a lot of fun.

 

Sooo...

I guess my question would be, what would you guys do if you were in my situation? Would you try to work it out with the ex, since I really do love him. It doesn't really seem fair to post pone going back with him to see what happens with the new crush.. But then again, my ex wasn't fair to me when he left..

Do I potentially ruin this second chance with the person I love to take a chance on someone I like?

 

 

Don't go back..

 

What starts in blood ends in blood. If you had problems then you will have problems 5 weeks or 5 years from now.

 

Chances are he had a bad dating experience, bad hookup or whatever and it spooked him and it sent him running back to whats is known and comfortable.

 

If you haven't already, read my thread at the top of the sections. Apply the 3 rules to your situation.

 

Best of luck with your new crush, don't expect much.. just have fun and let it go wherever it will.

[Kite]

Think of it like this.... if the new guy wasn't around, would you want your ex back? Remember what he put you through. Do you truly think he regrets what he put you through and does he have a valid excuse that you feel is fair. Put yourself in his shoes.

 

Honesty with the new guy at this stage of your friendship is important. Tell him you are not over your ex and let him decide if that is okay for him.

 

I'm so glad i'm not in your shoes right now. But honestly I would go for a new, fresh and clean relationship with a new person. You seem to like him, I know I do!

[kha00]

Think of it like this.... if the new guy wasn't around, would you want your ex back? Remember what he put you through. Do you truly think he regrets what he put you through and does he have a valid excuse that you feel is fair. Put yourself in his shoes.

 

See, that's what I'm not sure about. I want to say that even if new guy wasn't around I would still be questioning whether or not to go back to him. I do believe that he truly regrets it, but on the other hand I don't feel it was fair. It seems selfish to me.. He wanted to be on his own and so he left, not considering how I felt or the possibility that we could work together on whatever problems he was having and try to save us.. And now he decided he wanted me back, and expects me to just forgive and act like nothing ever happened. If I didn't know in my heart that I do still love and care about him this would be a no brainer. But I do love him, and I do forgive him... I just don't know if I can trust him, or if I can ever truly forget the way he just left.

 

 

 

 

Honesty with the new guy at this stage of your friendship is important. Tell him you are not over your ex and let him decide if that is okay for him.

 

Yeah, I told him like the first time we hung out what my situation was (at that point my ex didn't want me back though), about how I was recently out of a long relationship, etc. And then when my ex first asked me back I told him that I wanted to be honest with him, that I didn't know what to do and was considering whether or not to take him back. He told me, "I don't think you should take him back, but I'm biased." Lol. But he also told me that him and I are friends now, no matter what I decide.

 

 

 

ughhhhh. Lol.

[The_Face]

Don't give in to your ex. It's over. He wants someone around, until he gets bored of you again, then history will just repeat itself. You'll find it even harder to get by without him, after it happens again.

 

Either give this new guy a shot, and forget about your ex completely, or the other option (probably the better one) is stay single. Say things don't work out with this new guy, chances are it will then make you suddenly want your ex back again, you'll put him up on even more of a pedestal then. And like option 1, history will only repeat itself.

 

Good luck to you. Whatever you do, don't go back to your ex. He sounds like a total prick, playing the good guy role with all the stock break-up lines. Those lines are usually said by somebody who wants to leave the option open, only if it suits them down the road. If he loved you, he would have made it work the first time and not ran for the hills.

[Kite]

Take your time. The new guy is in no rush. And your ex has no right to rush you, if he truly wants you back he can wait a bit longer.

 

This is not an easy decision and there is no right or wrong decision here. Take your time, make the choice and accept it entirely whatever the outcome.

 

Keep us updated. So curious!

[kha00]

Thanks everyone for your advice / opinions!

Although this situation sucks and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, you all helped bring up some important things I need to consider.

 

And thanks Kite! I'll definitely keep you updated.

[Clarice]

Don't go back! My ex broke up with me 9 months into our relationship and I was distraught. He came back 5 weeks later and we stayed together another 1 1/2 years before I dumped him but..... I caught him on dating sites 1 month after we got back together, watching porn, flirting around etc etc. I SO wish I had never gone back! I would have dumped him a LOT sooner had my mum not been dying, (I obviously had more important things on my mind) So again I am distraught, I could have been with someone worthwhile while going through the toughest time in my life. He will do it again trust me